People Pleasing

[Goku]

I'm curious about "people pleasing" personalities and too lazy to start this one off with research. Instead I'll quote one of my favorite scenes from one of my favorite movies.

Cisco: “Why don’t you just dump the bitch ?”
Melvin: “The truth ?”
Cisco: “Yeah, I want the truth.” […]
Melvin: “The truth is, I can’t handle the idea of her not liking me. I can’t handle the idea of ANYBODY not liking me. I can’t stand the thought of ANYONE not liking me, okay ! There, I said it ! The thought of either [my fiancée or my girlfriend] not liking me is more than I can stand, okay !”

 

[Words]

I think I'm one of those, and its probably related to being Aux Fe. My social instincts would much prefer people not generating any attitude towards me over them disliking me. Well, I guess it depends on the situation but this is the instinct. One reason why I shy away from interaction is the thought of saying the wrong things.

 

[Goku]

I think I'm one of those, and its probably related to being Aux Fe. My social instincts would much prefer people not generating any attitude towards me over them disliking me. Well, I guess it depends on the situation but this is the instinct. One reason why I shy away from interaction is the thought of saying the wrong things.

Is this social "instinct" or is it something that culture reinforces (environmental) or both?

Is it related to insecurity, empathy, or both?

Is this trait valuable? A good one to have?

Maybe sociopaths are indeed more evolved, because they don't care about anyone's feelings, only their own well being and survival.

My position is that people pleasing is good for the whole (society), but it is not necessarily good for the individual-- the individual can do "better" if he did not have the "people pleasing" behavior. I reduce "people pleasing" to: subjugating one's own feelings in favor another's. One refrains from what he wants to do because he values someone else's feelings over himself.

It is like an extension of generosity. Giving away your resources is not logical from a self-survival perspective, however, it is good for the survival of the human species as a whole.

 

[Steven Gerrard]

Giving away your resources is a logical form of self survival in that it promotes a sense of community which is how humans have always live I think for the most part.

It's also how humans thrive.

 

[Words]

Is this social "instinct" or is it something that culture reinforces (environmental) or both?

Both perhaps. But the reason why I label it as "instinct" is because it is automatic, like feeling sleepy. It reminds me of instincts.

Is it related to insecurity, empathy, or both?

Maybe. I'm not sure. I think its on its own. An instinct.

Is this trait valuable? A good one to have?

I definitely think so. Its helpful in terms of social performance. Its useful in politics. You don't have to remind yourself to cater to people's interests, your gut tells you to.

Maybe sociopaths are indeed more evolved, because they don't care about anyone's feelings, only their own well being and survival.

My position is that people pleasing is good for the whole (society), but it is not necessarily good for the individual-- the individual can do "better" if he did not have the "people pleasing" behavior. I reduce "people pleasing" to: subjugating one's own feelings in favor another's. One refrains from what he wants to do because he values someone else's feelings over himself.

It is like an extension of generosity. Giving away your resources is not logical from a self-survival perspective, however, it is good for the survival of the human species as a whole.

You also have to look at this in terms of power relations though. People pleasing relates to ones ability to work with other people. The well-regarded you are, the higher your status is in society.

Sociopaths can be people pleasers. People pleasing is not empathy. Think Light from Death Note for example.

 

[Helvete]

People pleaser's are more likely to be trusted and respected, thus gaining what they want far more easily. This is why sociopaths are so good at it because it is essentially another form of manipulation.

 

[TimeAsylums]

Fe

 

[Minuend]

I was initially raised to be one as whenever I said no to anything or showed a different preference, my dad would go insane mad. So I learned that standing up for myself got extreme negative feedback. This lead to some episodes in my teens where I was taken advantage of.

Fortunately, I got to indulge in my more rational and logical tendencies when I met Internet and eventually decided it was irrational for me to let others be bitches to me.

My sister is still a people pleaser, though. She feels guilty easily.

 

[Ex-User (9086)]

I haven't had the enviroment to develop this. Besides a few friends/kicks I was trying to be as neutral as possible. I was often targeted and many times it involved peer pressure or agressive individuals that wanted to get off.
Downright rejecting/defending every attempt or disguising my opinion was the key. I got a lot of hatred because I rarely agreed with people or did what I was expected to and now I like it, I feel good that I can be friends with mutually tolerant and valuable people.
I wouldn't care for randoms that have shown they care as much for me.

 

[Base groove]

People pleasing is useful as long as it is kept in a tightly sealed jar to maintain freshness/potency.

Otherwise it goes stale fast.

 

[BigApplePi]

Try this:

Please people and doors will open for you. Now you may have so many doors open you don't know what to do.

Don't please people and doors will be slammed in your face. At least now you have some guidance.

 

[tvrgvryen]

I'm a people pleaser. I find that it helps me survive in society by almost masking my awkwardness and abnormalities with superficial kindness. I also have social anxiety.

 

[Grayman]

I don't know how the term here is being used but as I understand it people pleasing is a horrible habbit I mostly kicked some time ago. It is good to respect people as they are due and to be honest. Give what people need regardless of what they want.

People pleasers are often unware of how superficial they are externally and run into trouble when people want different things. People pleasing prevents one from building genuine relationships where people respect you for who you are because people pleasing makes you be someone else you think people expect you to be. The end result is no one knows who you are and if done too much you just might forget too. People will feel hurt if you act differently than you portrayed and this is impossible to hide in front of groups. Since you act differently with everyone the only option in a group setting is to avoid interaction. Etc...

IMO

 

[Brontosaurie]

best thing is getting disliked for being true and merciful

 

[Latte]

It's not the same, but related in a kind of inverseesque manner. Since early in my youth, I have been afraid of people thinking I dislike them. It was a major thing in the back of my head when I was a child, especially with friends and such.

It was a big worry. Might have been related to my lack of ability to express how I felt about people and fearing that they would abandon me thinking I was arrogantly judging them behind a mask or taking them for granted. I would very rarely initiate social activities and often decline requests for such merely to be alone and this contributed to this worry in my mind.

 

[BigApplePi]

It's not the same, but related in a kind of inverseesque manner. Since early in my youth, I have been afraid of people thinking I dislike them. It was a major thing in the back of my head when I was a child, especially with friends and such.

I'm confused. Did you mean you were afraid people would dislike you for disliking them? At that age I was quite conscious other kids could dislike me ... superior kids I mean. Kids whom I wasn't afraid of I wouldn't have this fear.

It was a big worry. Might have been related to my lack of ability to express how I felt about people and fearing that they would abandon me thinking I was arrogantly judging them behind a mask or taking them for granted. I would very rarely initiate social activities and often decline requests for such merely to be alone and this contributed to this worry in my mind.

I must be on an "action" thing. As a kid no one went around saying "I like you", "I don't like you." It was more would I be accepted or not in their company. There was a point though when I was terrified of meeting any new unknown group. I do mean terror and had to be dragged by friends to meet them. To this day I'm not sure why.

 

[Steven Gerrard]

Latte I have that pretty bad at 19.

 

[Steven Gerrard]

I'm a people pleaser. I find that it helps me survive in society by almost masking my awkwardness and abnormalities with superficial kindness. I also have social anxiety.

Like your avatar!

What is it from?

 

[Void]

I won't go out of my way to please people. If I have something to do, I'll do it. It just so happens to be that I haven't got anything to do most of the time. So when people ask me to do something, I just think 'might as well, could be interesting'. Though when I do have something to do, I'll probably try and do both things.

People pleaser, not so much. More like people helper.

 

[Goku]

Try this:

Please people and doors will open for you. Now you may have so many doors open you don't know what to do.

Don't please people and doors will be slammed in your face. At least now you have some guidance.

I do understand that people pleasing can open many doors. It does make me think twice about my behavior (anti people pleasing). I do try to avoid being too blunt. I have also learned to have some tact. However, the "anti people pleaser" is also the honest person, the extreme form of the honest person. Though extreme honesty shuts many doors, there are other (more valuable?) doors that open. If I'm known for saying exactly what I think and feel, with no bullshit, with little regard for who it offends, at least people know they can trust me and don't have to question my intentions. Sometimes this kind of honesty can greatly strengthen the few bonds that I do have with the few people who decide to stay close to me. So it's often a question of quality versus quantity.

Also, I care very little about a door slammed in my face if I never intended on walking through that door in the first place. So, was it worth my energy to keep that door open if I never intend on walking through it?

 

[Vrecknidj]

I would imagine that a great many people who would be described as "people pleasers" are people who have had their emotional and physical boundaries manipulated, especially by their parents when they were young.

Consider the alcoholic who, through negligence and irresponsibility, ends up having kids who "grow up" too fast. Sometimes, unfortunately, these kids don't develop resilience and skills, they end up being doormats. They discover that pleasing the abusers in their lives is a relatively successful way of preventing those abusers from hurting them worse than otherwise.

Then, they enter the adult world with an emotional tool-box full of tools they've learned how to use, but which aren't terribly useful in their new environments (and, sadly, with no ability to use the tools that would be helpful in their current circumstances).

 

[tvrgvryen]

Like your avatar!

What is it from?

I don't remember. It's a random picture I found on Google sometime ago. Sorry!

 

[BigApplePi]

I do understand that people pleasing can open many doors. It does make me think twice about my behavior (anti people pleasing). I do try to avoid being too blunt. I have also learned to have some tact.

Tact counts. I was reprimanded for seemingly using truths which left out certain people's feelings. You may say that is okay, but is it okay, self-interest-wise, if one is banned for tactlessness*?

However, the "anti people pleaser" is also the honest person, the extreme form of the honest person. Though extreme honesty shuts many doors, there are other (more valuable?) doors that open. If I'm known for saying exactly what I think and feel, with no bullshit, with little regard for who it offends, at least people know they can trust me and don't have to question my intentions. Sometimes this kind of honesty can greatly strengthen the few bonds that I do have with the few people who decide to stay close to me. So it's often a question of quality versus quantity.

That is an interesting statement. Integrity and honesty is a good quality. However quantity DOES matter. If enough people hate you, you can be destroyed. I don't have to give illustrations of this.

Also, I care very little about a door slammed in my face if I never intended on walking through that door in the first place. So, was it worth my energy to keep that door open if I never intend on walking through it?

If you know what's on the other side of that door, okay. It depends on how open one wants to be. Sometimes the unpleasant doorway can have rewarding surprises on the other side.

I'm reminded of that Robin Hood encounter where Robin Hood meets Little John on the bridge for the first time. The wisest thing would have been for Robin Hood to have avoided a confrontation, but he took him on. The surprise was Little John turned out to be a good fellow and became his best friend.

*Use enough tactlessness and it will be renamed "harassment."

 

[Goku]

Tact counts. I was reprimanded for seemingly using truths which left out certain people's feelings. You may say that is okay, but is it okay, self-interest-wise, if one is banned for tactlessness*?


That is an interesting statement. Integrity and honesty is a good quality. However quantity DOES matter. If enough people hate you, you can be destroyed. I don't have to give illustrations of this.

If you know what's on the other side of that door, okay. It depends on how open one wants to be. Sometimes the unpleasant doorway can have rewarding surprises on the other side.

I'm reminded of that Robin Hood encounter where Robin Hood meets Little John on the bridge for the first time. The wisest thing would have been for Robin Hood to have avoided a confrontation, but he took him on. The surprise was Little John turned out to be a good fellow and became his best friend.

*Use enough tactlessness and it will be renamed "harassment."

also keep in mind that an anti people pleasing behavior is silence; by merely refusing to stroke someone else's ego, one can avoid people pleasing behavior. It does not necessarily have to be offensive behavior; neutral behavior qualifies as anti people pleasing.

 

[BigApplePi]

Cisco: “Why don’t you just dump the bitch ?”
Melvin: “The truth ?”
Cisco: “Yeah, I want the truth.” […]
Melvin: “The truth is, I can’t handle the idea of her not liking me. I can’t handle the idea of ANYBODY not liking me. I can’t stand the thought of ANYONE not liking me, okay ! There, I said it ! The thought of either [my fiancée or my girlfriend] not liking me is more than I can stand, okay !”

I don't see anything wrong with wanting people to like you. When an actor/actress gets on the stage, they might want everyone to like them. The problem comes when this want is indiscriminate. That leaves one open to bullies. Getting bullied makes one appear weak.

In the case above, if the girlfriend is making unreasonable demands, trying to please her will cause suffering. Which reminds me. My wife just ordered me to get out there to the kitchen and do the dishes. I'd better get crackin' else she in not going to be pleased.

 

[doncarlzone]

People will feel hurt if you act differently than you portrayed and this is impossible to hide in front of groups. Since you act differently with everyone the only option in a group setting is to avoid interaction. Etc...

IMO

Agree. If they don't feel hurt, they will simply dislike you because you're not authentic. We all want to be loved and acknowledged, but once people obsess about it, start altering their personality because they think other people will approve, they value the acknowledgement itself over authenticity. People may get the love they want for a while, but the moment they don't get it, they immediately become desperate which makes them pathetic and even more inauthentic and disliked as a result. Perhaps the only way to learn this, is the hard way.

 

[yaleha]

People pleasing as quoted in the OP is a definite weakness. People like that usually end up being walked all over.