you can grow past conflict by transcending relationship but it takes decades so your life is over by the time you are free from the conflict you have with society and people.
otherwise you have to modify the relationship while you are trapped inside of it, wich is impossible to do inside of your head. it requires interaction of sorts, like therapy or confrontation.
because, since you have not transcended the relationship yet, you can't possible understand it and without understanding you would not know which change is truely desirable.
neurotics always try to make their neurosis more perfect, when they try to self-improve, which is the opposite of what is liberating.
i can't tell you what to do, but i strongly advise against isolation. you grow through understanding and you can in deed grow to understand life while watching it pass by from a distance, but you can not figure out how to participate without practicing it. it doesn't just come to you, from your higher self. the healed version of yourself isn't buried in your subconsciousness, it does not exist. it must be created. the common myth of the untouched original self is extremely misleading. there was a time before neurosis, but you can't find your way back to it, because at that time you were three years old and to go back would imply to reduce your intelligence to that of a three year old, which is of course impossible. you grew the mess that is your relationship with the world. neurosis is who you are, next to the most abstract bare-bone principles of consciousness, like creativity or adaptability. don't stand outside of your neurosis and hate it, as if it wasn't your true self.
for instance, if you have social phobia, admit that there is a part in you that WANTS to avoid people and develop complete empathy for this part so you become aware of it's true reasoning, without completely denying the part in you, that does want to join people and that does reason differently. you have to allow for contradictory reasoning. pretend that you are a multiple personality if that is what it takes.
the only path to liberation is self-acceptance, but self-acceptance doesn't mean the acceptance of silly ideas you have collected about yourself, self-acceptance has to happen while you live your life, in the presence and while experiencing those painfull neurotic relationships.
don't try to self-improve by having an idea of what you want to change into, it's a sure sign you are trying to perfect your neurosis.
the enneagram one hopes they attain perfection so they never have to feel self hate again. the enneagram seven hopes to attain freedom, so they never have to feel stuck again. the enneagram five hopes to attain control, so they never have to feel exposed again. similarly the enneagram six hopes to be mentally or practically prepared for everything, so they will never be surprised again. the nine wants to become accepting of everything, so they can overcome their anger and they wish everyone was that accepting. the four want's to become omni-desirable so that everyone experiences them as complementary. and so on. people only make it worse, obviously. the one has to learn that imperfection does not justify self hate. the five has to learn that exposure can be endured. the six has to learn, that life works out even when outcomes are not anticipated and controlled. the nine has to learn to use their anger to make their own decisions, to depart from circumstances, instead of demanding more agreeableness for their environment and from themselves. the four has to learn, that a sense of completion must be self-directed, you must find what completes you and stay with it, instead of hoping to complete other random people. and so on. i feel that i have ALL of these neurotic tendencies, to different degrees. liberation always appears to be the opposite of what feels good to the neurotic mind
it appears that most people can't fix their neurosis, because they try to perfect it instead. more people overcome neurosis by transcending this level of relationship in their late midlife. most people never even grow enough to transcend it.
