I am committing academic suicide..

[Wish]

Disclaimer: I'm pretty sure this does not belong on the forum but I just don't know what else to do right now and maybe writing this down will help me deal with things better..

Fucking shit. I have no clue what's wrong with me. I just received awful marks this past semester, juts terrible - the worst I've ever done in school. My major gpa just dropped to a 2.43 which is below the required 2.75 to transfer (oh right, I'm transferring from chemical engineering to biochemistry). HA!

If I can't manage to pull it up to at least a 2.75 after next semester I just don't know what is gonna happen to me. I don't have any major right now and after next semester I have to declare a major or I can't attend the university anymore. Am I not cut out for higher education? My whole life I did well in school and people would tell me how smart I was. Now I'm on the brink of getting kicked out of a school that's not even THAT great. How did this happen? Am I really just not as smart as I thought I was? Here I thought I had become smarter since I entered my higher education.

Maybe I'm just not cut out for the work. It's so extremely difficult for me to do something without believing I should be doing it. Scratch that. It's so extremely difficult for me to do anything. In grades k-12 I just didn't do anything and got by with A's and B's throughout. Am I just too stupid to realize that I need to put more effort into school now?

And I can't even begin to think about the 'embarrassment' my mom will have to deal with if I drop out which will translate into resentment for all the sacrifices she's made for me.

Ugh..why can I not just do my work and study like everyone else is seemingly able to? For a 'smart' kid I am really fucking stupid.

And yet, I feel as if there is a small, desperate part of me that's behind all of this. Like some part of my conscious has been drowned out for years and is finally trying to surface. I've been going along with the way society wants its members to be educated for 14 years and it's getting too hard to just sit back and trust that I'm not going to end up hating myself in the future.

That's so naive though. What can possibly be the downfall of going through with this undergraduate degree (other than a mountain of debt).

There's also the possibility of course that this is me just making an excuse for performing so poorly. I figured at some point in my life I would finally stop being such a lazy s.o.b. and start doing things, making and reaching goals. I've just drifted along doing what I was told. Now that I've been questioning more and more what I've been told I am not as eager to jump in and please others, leaving my grades suffering.

/deep breath

Anyway. I don't know why I felt compelled to post this and I'm sure my terrible explanation of my situation isn't really going to give anyone anything to suggest. I'm just in a really low place right now and to make matters worse this is the only place I feel comfortable expressing my fear that I will fuck up, really badly. I'm going to disappoint everyone that had faith in me. I've wasted my mother's time and money.

It's times like these I wish I could go away to a place where no one knew me, where being someone who worked a blue collar was alright, where I could think for myself, where there is no one watching, judging and giving me goals for MY life.

I apologize for the immaturity this post reeks of.

Thanks for listening..

EDIT: Frankly, I don't know what I expected in posting this as far as responses. I hope my little outburst of emotion doesn't turn anyone off..

 

[asdfasdfasdfsdf]

POTENTIALLY VERY USEFUL ADVICE (sorry if i am self promoting, i just wanted to make sure you read this):

did you take any foreign language in highschool?
if so.. take the 101 version of that language next quarter.
in fact.. take a bunch of extremely easy gened classes.. even if you dont need them.
did you take psychology or sociology in highschool? take them.
if you can.. take a very basic math class.

DO ALL YOUR WORK.
im not saying this in a condescending way. i slack off all the time (and somehow i am busting my balls all the time too.)
AIM for a 4.0. view this as you testing yourself. "I am not a failure" and prove it to yourself. i think every intp has a fear of incompetancy.. but also has a feeling like he is able, but just has bad strokes of luck.. or so of the like. this is your chance to prove to yourself that you arent a failure. turning a 2.4 into a 2.7 is no small feat.

"expressing my fear that I will fuck up, really badly"
us intps are characterized as having irrational fears. yours may not be so irrational... but dont think you cant pull it off..

(sorry, im not that great at giving motivational speeches.. im not much of a people person :/ )

 

[Wish]

Thanks for the advice, but my problem is that my 'major' gpa is low, which is the gpa from courses required by the major, and this is the gpa I need to get to 2.75+. For example, I am taking three major courses next semester and they are quantum physics, organic chemistry II, and cell/life biology (and these are the lowest level major courses I can take if I want to graduate in 4 years)

I'm pretty much fucked.

 

[asdfasdfasdfsdf]

Thanks for the advice, but my problem is that my 'major' gpa is low, which is the gpa from courses required by the major, and this is the gpa I need to get to 2.75+. For example, I am taking three major courses next semester and they are quantum physics, organic chemistry II, and cell/life biology (and these are the lowest level major courses I can take if I want to graduate in 4 years)

I'm pretty much fucked.

oh shit.. didnt catch the "major" part.
and.. brutal course choice.. damn.

and hey.. engineers normally take 5 years to graduate.
and a prolonged degree is better than dropping out alltogether.

for me.. as i learned form experience.. i do much better.. with less effort in a class.. if a friend of mine takes it with me.
if you have any friends in your major.. try to convince them to take the same courses?

also.. hey

 

[asdfasdfasdfsdf]

also. when signing up for which sections of the class to take..
check ratemyprofessor for each teachers rating.. and decide which teacher from there.. this could make your grade.

 

[transformers]

it'll be ok. just do your best, use your common sense and apply yourself as reasonably as you can, and if it works out, great, if not, don't take it personally. there's no reason why you can't make it career wise without a university degree; many do. there's also no reason why you can't stop now and go back later in your life, when you're more mentally prepared for it. if school isn't working out for you now, maybe it's a sign you should be doing something else, and that you should come back to this later. don't feel bad about not being "smart" either, this has nothing to do with being smart, this is about your lack of work ethic. that takes time to develop. good luck, whatever happens.

 

[Schema]

My first thoughts were ...
It seems you are doing this course not for yourself, but to somehow please someone else. If your heart is not in the course, it will always be an uphill battle.


I don't really know about your education system (I'm assuming that you are in the USA), but over here in Australia, we have the ability to "defer" a course for a certain length of time (i.e. take time off but still be enrolled and return at a later date) ... if you have such a thing over there I would suggest that you take your ticket of leave, have some time out.

Have you spoken to your mum about your concern? If you haven't then I suggest you do. Yes, she may be initially disappointed, ranting and raving "are you crazy?! I've worked my hands to the bone for you" - you know the drill how mums like to give you a good tongue lashing, but this initial ranting and raving will pass ... as essentially your welfare is your mum's priority (being a mum myself, I know that is the priority). Have a back up plan in place though, ensuring her that you have no intention of sitting around all day doing nothing and you intend to get some sort of paying work, and that you will return to Uni. This will give you some breathing space and some time to check whether you want to continue with that particular course or even change courses. So my suggestion is to defer your course if you can and talk to your mum regardless!

 

[cuterebra]

I started college at a highly ranked private university with a full tuition merit scholarship. I flunked out in my first semester. Why? To make a long story short, I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life and college did not live up to my naive expectations. Stupid reason to blow it like that--I should have sucked it up, gotten the grades so I could leave on good terms before taking some time off. Kids are dumb.

That was over a decade ago. I wasted several years just fucking around before I went back to school, but once I figured out it got a lot easier. I'll have my doctorate in a little over a year.

There's nothing wrong with you--tons of students drop out or flunk out and then get their shit together and go back. I have a vague recollection of reading something that said INTPs were particularly likely to do this (can't remember where). Focus on damage control, talk with your people at school and explain your situation. If your school has a learning center/center for academic success/etc. go talk to them. They may be able to help you develop good study and organizational skills.

Arrange to take some time off so you can take a deep breath and sort stuff out.

 

[amorfati]

I'll be starting college for the first time in my life this coming January and I'm 24 years old.

After a life time of having no idea of what I want to do with my life, I came to the conclusion that whatever it is I do, three things have to happen.

1. I need to love what I am doing
2. I need to excell at what I'm doing
3. I need a good deal of autonomy in what I am doing

I may never find a career where I can obtain all three of those things, which means that I may never find a career that is suitable to my life's path.

I also am overcome with dread on a regular basis at the very real possibility that my career may not be my vocation/calling in life, which out of necessity must absolutely take precedent over everything else in life.

I guess the moral of the story is that if you're personally mucking things up for yourself because you subconsious mind is unwilling to yield to the demands that society places on you, you're not alone.

 

[Wish]

Thanks for the advice everyone. The more I think about it, the more I believe my actions were a desperate attempt for me to reaffirm that I have control over my own life. When everyone has been telling me to succeed at this or that for so long and I just follow without seeing a future that I've made for myself it really makes me worry about what I'm doing and how much I'm going to 'owe' to others once all is said and done. Hopefully I'll be able to pull it together next semester..I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

 

[EditorOne]

If you are at a university with no close friends, that's affecting you, especially if you went through the rest of school with at least a few people who were known to you all through. Rule of thumb for INTP is few friends, but good ones, or in the absence of that, known quantities. I went to school with a small group of 30 for 9 years, then that group plus another 70 or so in high school. They weren't all my friends, in fact some of them were downright unfriendly, but I knew what to expect from just about every single one. Then university, me and 10,000 strangers, far from home. One might call what I went through for four years "homesick," but that is not comprehensive enough.

You need some kind of touchstone to set yourself right. Not sure what it might be, in your case, perhaps simply revisiting places with good memories as a default position. But if you head in that direction, of needing spiritual renewal from wherever you get it, you'll figure it out. What used to make you feel good? Go find it. It will help put this academic stuff in perspective.

As a side note, why did you pick the major you picked?

 

[Ashenstar]

Don't beat yourself up WishingWell! Stop it right now. *gives you a stern look with a slight smile*

Flunking a class or 8 has NO relation to intelligence.
Why can't you just be like everyone else and do your work etc etc etc? Because you simply aren't everyone else. 'Nuff said.

I agree with taking a breather. For my winter term this year in my community college <----- because I slacked off in high school, I'm taking drawing, Japanese, and si-kology. I needed some easy classes because I have to work as much as possible to financially support myself. I physically don't have the time for chem and biology and the classes I really want because of labs.
I'm 23 right now and will be 24 before I'm able to get really serious with my schooling.

 

[eudemonia]

Fogive me; I don't know you and have just sneaked onto the forum amidst all the chaos of a family Christmas. I too am a mum and also I have just begun to lecture at a small university.

What I notice is that you have lots of questions and it seems to me that you are scared of the answers they might generate. Maybe, if you think too deeply you will realise that you don't want to go to university or that you don't want to study biochemistry or whatever - and then you will have to face the consequences of making your own decisions. The worst case scenario is disappointing those who have supported you throughout your life. It sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it - to delight your parents and society, gain approval but not jump through all their hoops - to make your own choices. Maybe its time to grow up. You either go deep into yourself and face some difficult truths - that maybe your path is one that is not going to bring approval - but, on the other hand, you live your own authentic life. Or you decide to live the conventional life, gain the approval of your peers and parents but live a life that is not your own. The scariest part of course is actually exploring what your authentic life might look like - it might be a terrifying path you have to tread - but of course, it might not.

Your post is full of uncertainty and it is probably that uncertainty that is most unnerving. Whatever you decide to do - follow your own path or follow that which is set out for you - there will be disadvantages. It feels like you don't want to face the disadvantages of whatever decision you make. You want the best of both worlds.

The worst thing you can do is let events decide your fate for you. Take control - what do you really want? What do you enjoy doing? What do you most fear? Only once you have addressed those questions willl you be able to make a positive decision about what to do going forward. And be prepared to face the consequences of your own decision. Take ownership and stand up for your choices. Whatever happens, don't become a 'victim'.

Oh, and I don't mean this to sound like a stark either/or choice. You may decide that staying at university is a good thing - for your own reasons, rather than those you have inherited. That is a good choice too. You should find that if you stay for your own reasons rather thanfor your parents, you will rediscover your motivation and intellectual abilities.

 

[warryer]

I just barely made it into the College of Engineering at my school. And now that I'm in I have a ~2.5 for my major. I'd be lieing if I said that it didn't bother me. I don't dwell on it because like you I don't study or do homework, its too damn painful. Feels like I'm spending waaay too much energy doing those things for what I get out of it. Anyhow my professors have said several times that if you can get through engineering with a 2.0 you are right on track, anything higher is just bonus points.

I know that if I had the desire that I would be up around 3.8 or so. I say desire because when I work on my personal projects, I spend countless hours reasearching and studying so I can get it to work perfectly.

Also from talking to older people, your college degree is really only a measure that you can handle a certain level of knowledge. After a few years experience in the field become more important than some silly piece of paper, thankfully. One more thing. I think the most important function of college is in teaching you how to think- not the actual material. I already think in a different mode than when I started school 4.5 yrs ago.

 

[snowqueen]

Fucking shit. I have no clue what's wrong with me. I just received awful marks this past semester, juts terrible - the worst I've ever done in school. My major gpa just dropped to a 2.43 which is below the required 2.75 to transfer (oh right, I'm transferring from chemical engineering to biochemistry). HA!

WW is this the first time you've got marks less than you expected? Were you surprised by these marks? I'm just wondering whether you have, to date, managed to get good marks without having to study too hard and now you've reached a point where you can't do that any more? If so, then the sad truth is that if you want to get good grades you are going to have to start working harder. Which is really hard if you've never really had to and therefore not developed those habits.

so - to echo nia - do you really want to be doing what you are doing? If yes, then bite the bullet and learn how to apply yourself to hard work which will be incredibly hard at first because you're not used to it. If no, then take schema's advice.

My whole life I did well in school and people would tell me how smart I was.

You might want to check out my post here and btw this topic is a common one on this forum so you're not weird.

Maybe I'm just not cut out for the work. It's so extremely difficult for me to do something without believing I should be doing it. Scratch that. It's so extremely difficult for me to do anything. In grades k-12 I just didn't do anything and got by with A's and B's throughout. Am I just too stupid to realize that I need to put more effort into school now?

see the link above - you have probably been conditioned into thinking that being 'smart' equals doing things effortlessly. To go forward you will need to develop the ability to apply yourself to hard work. But if you can learn that now while you are still young, then it will help you forever. Basically it's like going to the gym. It's hard at first to stick with the boredom and pain but once you break through that, it becomes much easier.

Do you want to be a lazy person with 'potential' for the rest of your life - the kind of person who has to make up excuses 'Oh I could have done ... but I chose not to because I'm too cool/alternative/artistic' or whatever crap makes you feel better about yourself, or do you want to have some control in your life, some control over your abilities and therefore REAL choices? If it's the latter then make a pact with yourself for January that you are going to spend at least one hour a day in the uni library studying even though it feels like your brain is going to explode. Just keep looking at the stuff that seems too hard and eventually it will start to make sense. Find someone else to study with who can explain the hard stuff to you. Explain the hard stuff to others because teaching is one of the best ways of learning.

And I can't even begin to think about the 'embarrassment' my mom will have to deal with if I drop out which will translate into resentment for all the sacrifices she's made for me.

This should not be your motivation - BUT, actually you are talking about yourself here - you don't want to let yourself down - so don't.

Ugh..why can I not just do my work and study like everyone else is seemingly able to? For a 'smart' kid I am really fucking stupid.

See the link above - you have been conditioned to think 'smart' equals 'effortless'. You need to break that conditioning. You have natural ability but not yet hard work - natural ability plus hard work is what makes you really really smart.

And yet, I feel as if there is a small, desperate part of me that's behind all of this. Like some part of my conscious has been drowned out for years and is finally trying to surface. I've been going along with the way society wants its members to be educated for 14 years and it's getting too hard to just sit back and trust that I'm not going to end up hating myself in the future.

You need to be very careful here. How could spending a couple more years of study, learning how to work hard and graduating with a degree possibly hurt you? After that you can do anything you like. Change career, drop out and write poetry, join Greenpeace, volunteer in Africa, become a banker - whatever.

Your problem right now, from what you've said, is not some desperate feeling that there is something else your should be doing and if you don't do it you'll hate yourself!!! Your problem is that for the first time in your life you think you might fail and that terrifies the life out of you and you'll make up any shit to avoid having to face that possibility. Do yourself a favour - work hard and prove to yourself that you don't need to run when you think you might fail. Nothing will be more useful to your future life than that.

[and you thought you had a monopoly on ranting?]

 

[Agent Intellect]

What Snowqueen said.

(I might save that post for when I'm feeling down on myself during school).

 

[Wish]

Thanks snowqueen. What you said made a lot of sense and as much as I would like not to admit having a fear of failure, this is most likely the case. I can definitely relate to the 'praised for being clever' aspect of the post you linked as well. Anyway, I don't really know what else needs to be said. It seems like my problem here is not wanting to work hard for the reasons you suggested and my options are to either overcome and learn a new way to apply myself now, or to shutdown and try to rebuild for a later time. Hopefully I'll be able to heed your words and make some positive changes next semester..

 

[anyaa]

I think you should just get up and don't give upto such situations...stand up...face it ..use your abilities...and get through it..(even if you feel its unnecessary..actualy the one last reason would be what you yourself said -"Your MOM"...I bet you'll do anything for her)

secondly ...looking from long term view...one bad grade isn't that accountable...Future grades are in your hands...

Just understand this quotenot just read,and process it as a universally true statement...or atleast remember it....u'll properly get a feel of it when you experience such a situation...)
"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending"
...go ahead..take what you want....
Concluding with another of my favorite quotes :
"Many of the great achievements of the world were accomplished by tired and discouraged men who kept on working"

Bye..Good Luck...for the new start...