Whafrodamus
Psychonautical Diver
Okay, you all can stay.
I've been a "on and off" lurker for a bit now, thought I'd say hi. I took the MBTI for a university course, and the results kind of blew my mind. How could a silly personality test accurately predict my thought patterns, actions, and mannerisms with such detail? Needless to say, my mind had been thoroughly blown. I did a little bit if INTP research and stumbled upon here. Reading through all these threads and replies has led me to the inevitable conclusion that you are all a figment of my imagination, and so is the internet. Back to reality.
I was hoping someone would have some insight or perhaps a different point of view to enlighten me. I think i'm going batshit crazy. I am sure most of you INTP'ers are at home in your noggin, as am I. Before I go into this, here's a little background of me:
I graduated college in May, started working full time at the company I had been wit for 3 years. My job consists of driving long long long distances and evaluating asphalt damage. It's fairly simple, but I enjoy it (and it pays well). I have always found it difficult to connect with others during both my university career and the beginning of my professional career. It seems like I'm from another planet. I can act like a "normal" person and have gotten really good at it. In the end, it is still just a porcelain facade. I find myself constantly analyzing how I "should" act in order to best fit in with my surroundings. Rarely is this beneficial as I end up standing out by failing at my camouflage attempt.
Here's my problem. I think I'm going crazy. I feel the disconnect between my mind and body is growing. My body performs its duties, but it is merely a robotic arm in the assembly line of daily routine. Meanwhile, my mind plunders deeply into a world of its own. The world in my head has people, places, experiences, events, conversations, knowledge, etc. but sometimes the two worlds intertwine. My impressions of acquaintances are often formed by who they are in my head. Communicating thoughts, ideas, and/or emotions (or lack of) to others is usually difficult. My thoughts and speech are jumbled, expressing fragments of grand ideas floating around my head. Occasionally, I get out what I want to say... but usually it takes a lot of jumbled explaining, stuttering, and subject changes. I deal with a lot of customers whom I give all very similar jibba-jabba, and that all comes without an issue. I just go on autopilot, blab, listen to key words, and blab some more. But when it comes to bridging the mind-body gap, the bridge just isn't built to handle the traffic.
I am a very heavy pot smoker, and I've done my fair share of psychadelics (LSD and Mushrooms) too. I smoke about a half ounce a week or more. Pretty much for the past 3 years I have been ripping ridiculous amounts of bong during my travels to pass the time, then I venture off into my own little world. Time travel, you know? Alas, I have always just enjoyed the scenery of my mind but now I am beginning to ask "Where am I?". it's kind of like that Talking Heads song. It's almost gotten to the point where I feel my mind has no more use for the physical world. My body performs its tasks, receives its rewards, and keeps on moving while my mind feels like it's been left in another room full of empty books. I can open the book, read the magnificent stories, experience its wonders, and retain its knowledge... but when it comes to bringing that into reality, most is lost in translation. I find I often see myself as an outside observer; an old man sitting on a bench in front of a pond. I need not disturb the water, only enjoy its stillness. I hold my breath indefinitely for the smallest movement will ruin what an eternity of stillness has weaved.
I find a lot of my mental insecurity can be generated from these questions: "is this normal? Is this how I should be?" Not in the hypochondriac but the moralistic sense. All this introversion, pot use, and antisocial behavior should be a downward spiral, right? I got a big promotion at work, bought a new BMW, soon moving into a nice new apartment. All this good shit is happening to me, yet I'm still an introverted borderline self-destructive asshole. I find myself diving deeper and deeper into my head, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to keep coming back. Every time I wake up, I feel like something is off, something is missing. I just end up getting out of bed, putting on the mask, and pretending to be human. Still, something's off. When I talk to people in person or on the phone, for business or for pleasure, things are strange. Something is missing.
Am I nuts?
I've been a "on and off" lurker for a bit now, thought I'd say hi. I took the MBTI for a university course, and the results kind of blew my mind. How could a silly personality test accurately predict my thought patterns, actions, and mannerisms with such detail? Needless to say, my mind had been thoroughly blown. I did a little bit if INTP research and stumbled upon here. Reading through all these threads and replies has led me to the inevitable conclusion that you are all a figment of my imagination, and so is the internet. Back to reality.
I was hoping someone would have some insight or perhaps a different point of view to enlighten me. I think i'm going batshit crazy. I am sure most of you INTP'ers are at home in your noggin, as am I. Before I go into this, here's a little background of me:
I graduated college in May, started working full time at the company I had been wit for 3 years. My job consists of driving long long long distances and evaluating asphalt damage. It's fairly simple, but I enjoy it (and it pays well). I have always found it difficult to connect with others during both my university career and the beginning of my professional career. It seems like I'm from another planet. I can act like a "normal" person and have gotten really good at it. In the end, it is still just a porcelain facade. I find myself constantly analyzing how I "should" act in order to best fit in with my surroundings. Rarely is this beneficial as I end up standing out by failing at my camouflage attempt.
Here's my problem. I think I'm going crazy. I feel the disconnect between my mind and body is growing. My body performs its duties, but it is merely a robotic arm in the assembly line of daily routine. Meanwhile, my mind plunders deeply into a world of its own. The world in my head has people, places, experiences, events, conversations, knowledge, etc. but sometimes the two worlds intertwine. My impressions of acquaintances are often formed by who they are in my head. Communicating thoughts, ideas, and/or emotions (or lack of) to others is usually difficult. My thoughts and speech are jumbled, expressing fragments of grand ideas floating around my head. Occasionally, I get out what I want to say... but usually it takes a lot of jumbled explaining, stuttering, and subject changes. I deal with a lot of customers whom I give all very similar jibba-jabba, and that all comes without an issue. I just go on autopilot, blab, listen to key words, and blab some more. But when it comes to bridging the mind-body gap, the bridge just isn't built to handle the traffic.
I am a very heavy pot smoker, and I've done my fair share of psychadelics (LSD and Mushrooms) too. I smoke about a half ounce a week or more. Pretty much for the past 3 years I have been ripping ridiculous amounts of bong during my travels to pass the time, then I venture off into my own little world. Time travel, you know? Alas, I have always just enjoyed the scenery of my mind but now I am beginning to ask "Where am I?". it's kind of like that Talking Heads song. It's almost gotten to the point where I feel my mind has no more use for the physical world. My body performs its tasks, receives its rewards, and keeps on moving while my mind feels like it's been left in another room full of empty books. I can open the book, read the magnificent stories, experience its wonders, and retain its knowledge... but when it comes to bringing that into reality, most is lost in translation. I find I often see myself as an outside observer; an old man sitting on a bench in front of a pond. I need not disturb the water, only enjoy its stillness. I hold my breath indefinitely for the smallest movement will ruin what an eternity of stillness has weaved.
I find a lot of my mental insecurity can be generated from these questions: "is this normal? Is this how I should be?" Not in the hypochondriac but the moralistic sense. All this introversion, pot use, and antisocial behavior should be a downward spiral, right? I got a big promotion at work, bought a new BMW, soon moving into a nice new apartment. All this good shit is happening to me, yet I'm still an introverted borderline self-destructive asshole. I find myself diving deeper and deeper into my head, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to keep coming back. Every time I wake up, I feel like something is off, something is missing. I just end up getting out of bed, putting on the mask, and pretending to be human. Still, something's off. When I talk to people in person or on the phone, for business or for pleasure, things are strange. Something is missing.
Am I nuts?
It could in many cases lead to more interesting topics or realisations that could not have been forseen.
