Help high school drop-out find a life purpose

[nightstreaking]

I'll try to make this short. When I was fourteen, I experienced an existential crisis. I also met a guy and fell obsessively in love--and got my heart broken. I always brought home straight A's, but on the last quarter of freshman year, my GPA was 1.75. I was depressed and defiant, and my parents sent me overseas for a year.

Enrolled in school but was too depressed to continue. Dropped out and messed around traveling (climbed a mountain, explored a cave, etc.). I was alone and had tons of money, so I started drinking (among other things). Depression got worse. Lost interest even in reading. Went from city to city trying to dispel numbness. Couldn't get out of bed sometimes. Oh, I also got raped. Multiple times. (This is Indonesia, not the most modern/safest place.)

Came home to U.S. in July. Was told to go back to high school by practically everyone I met. Refused. Bought Genealogy of Morals, Being and Nothingness, an anthology of Kierkegaard's works, etc. Read, tried to maintain hold over depression. I think I'm fine, but I'm so unaware of my own feelings that I don't even know anymore. I need something to do now. There's a college in Annapolis that I really want to go to but tuition's $53k/yr, and I'm kind of too ashamed to even attempt the admission essay. I've done nothing for months but sit here. Thinking, thinking, trying to distract myself. Am I over the things that happened recently? What the hell am I supposed to feel/do now? I have a couple of years before I have to move out but I'm really starting to lose hope. I feel utterly incompetent, and though I'm periodically assured that I'm intelligent, it only embarrasses me.

Help?

 

[Tony3d]

I know exactly what I want, but that has never made me feel complete.

The only thing that really brings me peace is working hard and searching for knowledge.


If you really want to go to that college you mentioned, then do anything and everything you can to make that a reality. That will give you purpose, and then the work that it takes to get you there will bring peace to your mind.

Or find some other goal that you are willing to put everything you have into.


I don't know if it is the right way, but it is the only way I know.

 

[pjoa09]

wtf got raped? the hell, I can't say I'd believe that. Adding 'multiple' to the disbelief. I hope there is some watering down in your future posts.

As for 53k a year, if you had enough money to travel the world drunk while you were supposed to be studying then I think you must be pretty damn well off.

If you want to go then you can go. If you aren't sure then that bitch of a thought is going to haunt you and you won't go to college despite having the cash.

I am not in college and although I don't want to put the strain on my parents because we aren't terribly rich, it's mostly because I don't like college and I just don't think I will do well in it. I proved myself how I function in school already.

Seriously, you should go if you want to go because otherwise you will be haunted of the otherwise.

 

[nightstreaking]

wtf got raped? the hell, I can't say I'd believe that. Adding 'multiple' to the disbelief. I hope there is some watering down in your future posts.

As for 53k a year, if you had enough money to travel the world drunk while you were supposed to be studying then I think you must be pretty damn well off.

If you want to go then you can go. If you aren't sure then that bitch of a thought is going to haunt you and you won't go to college despite having the cash.

I am not in college and although I don't want to put the strain on my parents because we aren't terribly rich, it's mostly because I don't like college and I just don't think I will do well in it. I proved myself how I function in school already.

Seriously, you should go if you want to go because otherwise you will be haunted of the otherwise.

I was drunk. Maybe it doesn't qualify to some people. Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned that. It's actually the first time I've even thought about it in months.

The ticket to Indonesia is $1,000. The value of a dollar is high there, so I received about $100/month. My parents aren't rich. They have no savings.

I shouldn't have put "really want to go." I'm moderate in sentiments. I could do anything else as long as it's safe (not have to worry about supporting myself), and it probably wouldn't matter much. Also, I'm afraid I won't be able to adjust and only end up in debt, if I do receive some kind of financial assistance. If you don't mind, may I ask what you are doing in place of going to college?

This whole thing sounds pretty melodramatic. I barely even believe it has been my life. I am scared of being alone though I do want to be self-reliant and not succumb to rather inconvenient emotional states. I think that's why I'm asking for input.

If you really want to go to that college you mentioned, then do anything and everything you can to make that a reality. That will give you purpose, and then the work that it takes to get you there will bring peace to your mind.

I have considered this. It may be the only thing to do (orient myself around a definite goal). Thank you.

 

[Duxwing]

First off, you'll need one of these.

Let your imagination run for a bit. Imagine a guy that you like giving you a hug: his soft, cream wool sweater-covered arms gently about your waist, your cheek resting in the soft, warm side of his neck, like a cloud on a balmy summer day. Close your eyes and breathe deeply, and feel your heart beat at peace.

There, you should feel better.

Now, onto the philosophy. Consider the meaninglessness of existence, the utter lack of inherent rules by which one can judge and justify action. It's a gaping, empty void, infinite in its utter blackness. Yet if we cannot be objectively judged for good or for ill, then consider our freedom to act as we please: there is no God to tell us what to do, we are the masters of our own lives. And as masters, as the Gods of our own existences, we get to set the rules and they're right because, as Gods, we say so.

Now imagine that blackness like a canvas, one utterly at your disposal for anything that you desire. You are completely unfettered as to what you can choose: in fact, you can even choose to leave it blank, just because you can. What was once a nightmare, is now your greatest childhood dream come true! You can do whatever you want! Now, it certainly doesn't feel like that right now, I know, and that's why you need emotional therapy to heal the wounds that you've accumulated through your rough teenage years.

So while those thoughts simmer, let's go back to your dreamy hug. You turn your head up to look into his eyes and you see two shining blue crystals gazing back down at you. The hug draws a little closer, and a bit of warmth finds its way through the cracks in your soul to the bottom of your heart. The melty gooey goodness runs down to your toes and they curl, up to your nose and it twitches cute as a bunny. Now, finish the story, tell me what you'd do. Anything and everything that you do there is perfectly OK, so go ahead, make that boy's day.

-Duxwing

 

[nightstreaking]

@Duxwing I am very grateful for this. It made me laugh.

I would ask him to run away with me, help me build a world, and then leave me alone to contemplate the stars and the result.

Sounds weird, but it's the first thing that came to mind. Is the first thing the one you really want? Or am I not free?

 

[Duxwing]

@Duxwing I am very grateful for this. It made me laugh.

I would ask him to run away with me, help me build a world, and then leave me alone to contemplate the stars and the result.

Sounds weird, but it's the first thing that came to mind. Is the first thing the one you really want? Or am I not free?

That's an amazing dream, nightstreaking, and I'd do it, too, if I were in that position. And yes, you are absolutely free. Free to run away and build a beautiful world with that loving, sweater-wearing, blue-eyed dreamboat, and free to contemplate the stars forever more. And judging by your wording, the dream that you described is what you really want (unless something Freudian lurks underneath, which I doubt).

Moreover, you're welcome to our anytime that you need it. We're all here for each other at the INTP forum; it exists to act as a place where we can scratch each other's backs, heal each other's wounds, and debate each other's ideas. In other words, it's a paradise on the internet for those who think. And don't worry, there are plenty more hugs if you need them.

-Duxwing

 

[redbaron]

If you don't want to go to college, may as well get a job.

At least that way you'll have an income and you'll get an idea for whether or not it's worth going to college. I decided to work full time before trying university, I've never looked back.

 

[nightstreaking]

If you don't want to go to college, may as well get a job.

At least that way you'll have an income and you'll get an idea for whether or not it's worth going to college. I decided to work full time before trying university, I've never looked back.

Where did you work? I'm not sure I'd be qualified for anything as I don't have any particular skills, nor references.

 

[Affinity]

I would agree with redbaron on the getting a job part. It seems you need some stability at this particular time and a part time or full time job would be a good start. Hell, you may even want to consider finishing up HS beforehand. Without skills you'll need to start at the bottom of course which would most likely be something in the food industry or customer service. The turnover in these fields are high so they are always looking for people.

 

[Tony3d]

Get a crappy job somewhere, and then just be the best at it. This will help you clear your mind and move foward.

If you get a job bagging peoples groceries, then make sure that you are the best damn grocerie bagger anyone has ever seen. Bag those groceries to perfection. That is what I was doing when I was your age.

No need to make any big decisions on what you want to do with your life and what your future longterm goals are, just work really hard and save up some money.

 

[redbaron]

Where did you work? I'm not sure I'd be qualified for anything as I don't have any particular skills, nor references.

McDonald's (boo hiss *erects umbrella to guard against incoming saliva and hand-grenades*). Still work there, as a restaurant manager. There's a lot of long-range business planning, working with systems and also teaching/coaching involved in the job.

I initially just worked really hard to get good results. Moved up into management after about 6 months, and a few years later I'm in charge of running an $6M/year business.

I don't know if the U.S. company is as generous as the Australian one, but I've so far had a paid trip interstate staying in a 5 star hotel, and next year I'll be going to Japan for a week. 2 days of convention, 4 days of leisure overseas. Flights and accommodation paid for, extra expenses are mine to pay - but I'm not complaining.

Even before I had my position I'd been to a couple other conferences aimed at more junior managers. They were just in the city, but still a cool experience. Getting paid to go to a 6 hour conference, then go to a party and chill out in a hotel for a day or two is fine by me.

Anyway there's been a lot of ups and downs along the way. Some bad bosses, bad days and worse customers, but overall at the end of each day I'm content going home. I can't say there's anything else I would ask for from my job.

 

[Architect]

INTP's seem to be afflicted with existential angst, particularly during the vulnerable teenage years. This is due to our natural atheist Ti core, with Ne (what possibilities ultimately exist?) and Si (melancholic look to the past) rounding out the piss pot of misery. This is unfortunate because the teenage years are especially important in a persons growth and development as it lays the foundation for the rest of their life.

Even in later years we can be afflicted with it. I recently went through one of these periods, as in the last two weeks. There are always reasons to find to get down about your life. The good news is that there is a typologically relevant way to get out of the trap: engage Ne.

I see two main traps for INTP's, one is the inferior trap (giving Fe too much attention), and the opposite, the dominant trap (Ti not getting enough support from Ne/Si/Fe). Its a seeming paradox, we engage and balance Ti & Fe by giving Ti the most psychic energy, in this way Fe falls into place in its shadow. But I believe the opposite can happen too - giving Ti so much energy to the detriment of Ne. Ne should supplant Ti by providing possibilities - it is NOT a given that existence is meaningless. We have no proof of that, there are other possibilities too which Ne should be aware of and feed to the Ti core.

It doesn't take much, but I recommend giving Ne more room, by looking to future possibilities for you personally. Read some Ray Kurzweil and consider how much the world is changing, in YOUR (an INTP's) favor as we become a human-machine civilization. Think about how you can benefit going forward, if you do some of the right things now. Realize alternate possibilities to every scenario.

 

[Affinity]

Excellent insight architect!

 

[own8ge]

Show me a picture of yourself? I would like to see that what got raped multiple times, It got me curious.

 

[nightstreaking]

It doesn't take much, but I recommend giving Ne some time, by looking to future possibilities for you personally. Read some Ray Kurzweil and consider how much the world is changing, in YOUR (an INTP's) favor as we become a human-machine civilization. Think about how you can benefit going forward, if you do some of the right things now.

You've given me something to think about. I seem to have been fluctuating between grips of Ti and Fe lately, none of which were helpful. Thank you.

Show me a picture of yourself? I would like to see that what got raped multiple times, It got me curious.

Hah, alright, I regret mentioning that. I am not exceptionally beautiful or anything near that. Drunk girls are easy targets.

 

[Duxwing]

INTP's seem to be afflicted with existential angst, particularly during the vulnerable teenage years. This is due to are natural atheist Ti core, with Ne (what possibilities ultimately exist?) and Si (melancholic look to the past) rounding out the piss pot of misery. This is unfortunate because the teenage years are especially important in a persons growth and development as it lays the foundation for the rest of their life.

Even in later years we can be afflicted with it. I recently went through one of these periods, as in the last two weeks. There are always reasons to find to get down about your life. The good news is that there is a typologically relevant way to get out of the trap: engage Ne.

I see two main traps for INTP's, one is the inferior trap (giving Fe too much attention), and the opposite, the dominant trap (giving Ti too much time). Its a seeming paradox, we engage and balance Ti & Fe by giving Ti the most psychic energy, in this way Fe falls into place in its shadow. But I believe the opposite can happen too - giving Ti so much energy to the detriment of Ne. Ne should supplant Ti by providing possibilities - it is NOT a given that existence is meaningless. We have no proof of that, there are other possibilities too which Ne should be aware of and feed to the Ti core.

It doesn't take much, but I recommend giving Ne more room, by looking to future possibilities for you personally. Read some Ray Kurzweil and consider how much the world is changing, in YOUR (an INTP's) favor as we become a human-machine civilization. Think about how you can benefit going forward, if you do some of the right things now. Realize alternate possibilities to every scenario.

+1 Excellent Insight. Old(er) people, smarter than you'd think.

-Duxwing

 

[Architect]

+1 Excellent Insight. Old(er) people, smarter than you'd think.

-Duxwing

Old(er) INTP's at least.

 

[Tony3d]

Hah, alright, I regret mentioning that. I am not exceptionally beautiful or anything near that. Drunk girls are easy targets.

From what I have read so far in this and your other topic, it seems you are developing a pattern of accepting abuse because you somehow diserved it.

That is not a healthy attitude.

No one has the right to harm you. I understand that there is nothing you can do about it now, just be careful not to get in the mindset of accepting this if you have guys try to verbally or physically abuse you in the future.


You don't have to accept it, you diserve better, and there are people out there that will help you.

 

[sammael]

Hah, alright, I regret mentioning that. I am not exceptionally beautiful or anything near that. Drunk girls are easy targets.

It's relevant to the topic, obviously and understandably such experiences can have big impacts and often lasting effects on people. Happened to one of my best friends and the resulting fallout came pretty close to killing her. I'm not sure why it's being picked out like it is, that's rather insensitive and rude.

As Architect said, we INTP's have a penchant for existential issues. It seems we pick up pretty early that there's no inherent point in life, no purpose, no meaning. And it can be pretty hard to create that for ourselves; it's laborious, it takes time, effort, courage. I am constantly plagued with the thought 'why try so hard?', because I know that ultimately it's pointless. But trying hard is the only means I have to achieve anything, and this life, it's all I have. I don't want to look back on my deathbed and regret.

I don't recommend rushing anything, if you're going to make a commitment be sure that's what you want to do. It takes time, to work that out. If you're unsure, find a way to get by until that happens. There's a lot more to education than that which you receive at schools or universities. You have the blessing of our age, the internet, there are worlds here at your fingertips

Find ways to keep busy, to capture your mind, to achieve and give yourself something higher to strive for. Learn a new language, or a musical instrument, write a book, start running or something and compete in a sport. Find a intellectual topic that interests you, and pursue that. Read some stuff on how to better interact with people, then go out and do it, develop your capacity. Take apart an engine, learn to cook, fly an aeroplane, shoot a gun, the possibilities are endless. Just get involved in life, distract yourself. It really helps, believe me I think we often have a tendency to be too much in our own little worlds, to (dare I say it) sometimes think to much, to retreat, and I think sometimes that can be the worst thing for us. How guilty I've been of that.

Also, as a couple of people have pointed out, the teenage years really suck, they are hard on us. It gets so much better, sooo much better, I wish I could go back and tell myself that, it would have helped.

 

[Words]

What Architect said. Something about the duality of Ti and Fe. Withdrawal and concern or something of that nature. I don't have the right to advice on this because I still experience it on certain periods, but what I do, and you're free to to think that I'm making this up, is that I "flick" this "switch in my head." The default switch is exactly that eroding Ti-Fe thought-pattern. The other switch is Ne. I don't know if it is about immersing myself in a new perspective or something else, but everything changes. Everything is interesting. And this interests overwhelms whatever restraints that I might have. It's as if I were released from my rusty chains. This interest...this natural and yet imprisoned interest I think is the right sort of meaning to have.

 

[Vrecknidj]

Help?

1. Don't be in a hurry to figure it all out.
2. Be devoted to figuring it all out anyway.
3. Do whatever has to be done to get a great counselor.

 

[fissionesque]

Go get treatment. You're probably going to be dealing with some heavy issues since you were raped (on top of what you're already dealing with. Find a good therapist, get your GED and go to a community college. I know it sounds shitty, but you'll probably find much more support there than a big college, then once you do go to a 4 year school, it will be much easier for you to deal with. Contrary to what others have said, you may want to be a bit cautious for now about the job part. It's good to find a job, but that can also add a lot of unnecessary stress. The first thing you really need to do if find a good therapist who can help you work through your issues and put you on the right track.