Friends

[yogurtexpress]

Maybe it's because I'm too high on the introverted scale, but I generally have a really hard time keeping friends compared to the average person my age. I've met a lot of people in my life, and I've had good times with them, but I rarely stop to think about saving their numbers or asking to hang out another time. Of all the people I ever met, I only consider about three or four of them to be true friends.

I realize that it's worth socializing a little more, because having contacts always helps with things like dates and jobs, but I just don't see the point. I hate depending on people; I'd rather do things myself. In college, I never went to a professor once for help, and I only asked my classmates for something once or twice. And very few people have interested me to the point where I'd want to hang out with them. Maybe I'm being too judgmental, but most people I see in everyday life just seem so fucking boring. Like there's nothing thoughtful or unique about them.

I know some of you INTPs are rather social, so how do you go about doing it (or forcing yourself to do it). 'Cause I can't even comprehend why someone would want to be around other people for more than three hours a week.

 

[downsowf]

I've found that someone who knows a lot of people doesn't necessarily have "true friends." I've come to the conclusion that quality is more important than quantity. I have a few close friends like you and we love each other's company. They appreciate me for who I am and there's no putting on heirs. I'm also bad at keeping contacts, staying in touch, etc... So sometimes I could be a very disengaged friend. It's important to find people who can handle that. Most of my friends, incredibly, are rational fuckers like me. So they don't take things too personally. It's amazing how I've found like-minded friends who are a bunch of insensitive pricks. We argue and debate and talk about dumb shit. I've come to believe I'm lucky in this regard.

Like you, I hate depending on people. That's not a bad thing. I don't mind being there for a friend if they need me though. Chances are, as life seems to fuck you sometimes, you will get in a bind and need someone for help too.

It's always proper to be cordial to people. You don't have to want to hang out with everyone you know. These people are acquaintances, not friends, but I find it's nice to have a reputation as someone who is friendly instead of standoffish. I don't go out of my way to meet people, but I also consider myself a very approachable person. If someone takes the time to want to talk to me, or goes out of their way to want to talk to me, I appreciate the effort that person put in and will treat them with respect. This is because I am usually never the first one who wants to start a conversation with someone I don't know.

Right now I am perfectly content with the amount of friends I have. I've had the same friends since I was in middle school. I never look to make new friends anymore either. I like my social bubble.

I rather like going out on the weekends, too, and being social. I always go to a bar with someone I feel comfortable with so we could talk, post up by the bar, and not feel obligated to wander around like an idiot trying to meet people the whole time. And honestly, the only reason I go out on the weekends these days, is to meet women. That's the only reason to go out and sometimes it's worth it. So that's the motivation.

 

[SpaceYeti]

I'm the kind of guy who has a few good friends. In my case, I was always confused by people who wanted to do things with their family on the basis that they were their family. I get along with my family, I'm thankful for everything they did for me, and I visit them when I get back to Michigan, but I'm closer to my friends than I am my family (not counting the wife and son). Yet, I only really had a few friends. I can make friends basically wherever I go, but I only make a handful per location. I have four or five friends who have been my friends since middle school and high school, and I have several good friends in my current unit, but that's about it. It's a quality over quantity thing with me as well.

 

[EyeSeeCold]

I've found that someone who knows a lot of people doesn't necessarily have "true friends."

This is definitely true. I know many extroverted Extraverts who claim all the time that they "have no friends", and that the people they hang around are just acquaintances. It's shocking to hear it. Still other extroverted Extraverts are so caught up in their social insincerity that they don't stop and realize that at the end of the day, they really don't have any close friends.



Develop a few/several close friendships and maybe join a club of some sort, that'll do it.

 

[Susannah]

I have but a few people who I consider to be close friends, though I am not one who goes out of their way to hang out with them outside of class. I enjoy and embrace time alone. I believe that if someone does not care to be around others, then by all means. It is, however, useful to keep in touch with a couple. One day or another, you'll find need for one. I know some might consider it unhealthy to live as a 'hermit', but some prefer it and can handle it.

In my case, I keep myself occupied with my imagination. I find it more exhilarating than spending time with other people. I think it is difficult for most to understand. I'm not particularly social, but I'm letting you know that others like you exist.

 

[digital angel]

Quality is better than quantity, in my humble opinion. I have a few very good friends. I like to hang out with them. I too, am probably not the best in keeping in touch; keeping in touch probably comes and goes in spurts. It's just the way it is.

Social butterflies are out there. To each his or her own.

 

[Dapper Dan]

Making friends isn't that hard for me, really. It just takes some time because I suck at going out of my way to do it. Basically, I'm good at becoming friends with the people I'm with all day anyway.

Case in point: In college, I became good friends with a bunch of my Computer Science classmates. Group projects were a big help here.

 

[RaBind]

I can relate to downsowf a lot. My behaviour towards friends is very similar.

I have made like 12, quite close, and one close friend in the last 3 years, amazing huh? All of these friends aren't acquaintances, they are friends who I have no problem criticising or complaining to, about them, at their face. I think this is what it means to be a close friend, to be very, if not completely, free to speak your mind and be yourself around them/to be able to live in a world of your own where nobody/nothing else matters.

I have about 5 really close friends from high school, only studied with them for the first year but they are about the closest anyone has come to me as friends, any closer and I would think they are my brothers

I sometimes think I am a bit too lonely but that’s only because of my situation at the moment. I just graduated from high school this summer and I am enrolling in three courses in which I knew nobody. I have had quite a lot of experience in moving to a place without any friends so it’s quite alright for me. I like to think I can make friends easily if I want to, most of the time I really don't care to; people would have to at least have to make the effort to talk to me if they want me to acknowledge them.

I don't like the idea of acquaintances; these people to me are listed in the temporary internet files and will be erased if not reminded of.

 

[Polaris]

I have never actively pursued friendships until recently. I have gone through life pretty much drifting in and out of friendships/relationships, never really putting too much effort into either. Being alone really never bothered me. I would mostly feel relief after spending some time with people. As if I had performed some duty that would render me more socially capable.

Then I realised I was completely out of touch with my emotions, or I simply did not experience emotion towards people.

Somehow this has changed as I have grown older. Perhaps it has also helped that I am now in an environment where I have been more likely to meet people that I "click" with.

I have realised the invaluable importance of friendship.

It has prompted me to approach people (very uncharacteristic) that I find interesting. I have thus found a few very close friends that are more like family to me than any "real" family.

I now make an effort to nurture these friendships.

These people are very important to me, and I sense that they also appreciate my company.

Which is nice.

 

[conflict]

Um, let's see. I don't really know how to start this post. sorry. The school that I am going to has cliques, which is a problem because I can't seem to find any like-minded people in it. I mean, the people in this clique are nice and they know me more than the people in other cliques. But they are mostly Fs and not, as downsowf puts it, "insensitive pricks". So I don't know how to talk to them without hurting their feelings unintentionally. This also means that I can't leave this clique because then I'd hurt them.

Stupid cliques!!! Who came up with an idea like that anyway? So, now I'm stuck with people who are better than acquaintances, but not really my true friends. Which brings me to my next point.

While it is easy enough to spot introverts and rational people like us, how would you approach them? The conventional way of doing this (saying hi, making small talk, etc) is tailored towards extraverts and the like.

 

[ransomNote]

i m pretty much the same. usually i make up excuses to people that want to hang out with me, that i have a very strict parents for instance.
i just dont value socializing with people with no common interest, small talks, all of that stuff. but i do develop a way to work in circumstances wh
it is harder for me because im a female, finding the perfect friend of the same gender is practically impossible. but i cant really play with the males, i dont want to make them uncomfortable by my ambivalence and insights.
but i do develop some close friendships with people who understands my need for privacy, and have some common interests

you should search for a true friend,it is very important for the development of the psyche not to mention our intelligence. social skills are a skill as well, even though i do regret the need also. im not gonna lie, i almost never go out with friends. if i was in a situation that force me to tell people about when i hang out with my friends, i will just recall my past experience. given it specific details as if it just happen. i know its pretty pathetic, but im not risking my self to be pity upon

bu isolating your self entirely is not that fun. at least you should find one friend, that will really understand your odd behaviors

 

[Dr. Freeman]

My life up to this point has been a cycle of spending several years (up to four) in a place, making friends in the last year or two, and then moving, causing the cycle to repeat.

 

[Minuend]

I know some of you INTPs are rather social, so how do you go about doing it (or forcing yourself to do it). 'Cause I can't even comprehend why someone would want to be around other people for more than three hours a week.

Why bother then?

 

[downsowf]

Um, let's see. I don't really know how to start this post. sorry. The school that I am going to has cliques, which is a problem because I can't seem to find any like-minded people in it. I mean, the people in this clique are nice and they know me more than the people in other cliques. But they are mostly Fs and not, as downsowf puts it, "insensitive pricks". So I don't know how to talk to them without hurting their feelings unintentionally. This also means that I can't leave this clique because then I'd hurt them.

Stupid cliques!!! Who came up with an idea like that anyway? So, now I'm stuck with people who are better than acquaintances, but not really my true friends. Which brings me to my next point.

While it is easy enough to spot introverts and rational people like us, how would you approach them? The conventional way of doing this (saying hi, making small talk, etc) is tailored towards extraverts and the like.

Your first problem is thinking in terms of "cliques." Make friends with the individual, not with cliques, and that way you avoid all the pressure you might feel on how you should act in a group dynamic. An individual's behavior changes in a group dynamic. Generally, we are non- confrontational people (at least I am), but if you have trouble expressing any opinions around these people, then perhaps it's time to find someone else to hang out with. It's seems like too much work otherwise. A friend is someone you could be yourself around. Like I said before, focus your energy on becoming friends with certain individuals (in whatever "clique" they happen to be in), and get out of the whole group mentality thing.

When I think of the people who are my best friends in high school and college, there was usually a common interest we all shared. For me, music was the bond a lot of the times which helped me establish friendships. In high school, all of my friends , as well as myself, were music fanatics, and we would go to live shows or share different artists or types of music. When I went off to college, it was sort of the same thing. Never really had a problem forming friendships because I never tried too hard to become someone's friend. Sometimes the chemistry is there or it isn't, but usually certain people just gravitate towards you or vice versa.

How to approach rationals: We are usually the people on the side smoking cigarettes pretending we are cooler than everyone else. You'll figure out what to say. Just don't try so hard.

 

[Zionoxis]

I have a few close friends myself. One thing mentioned really did get me thinking, however. How does one converse with an IxTx? I am INTP and I have no idea how I would walk up to someone like me. I tried reverse engineering the scenario, and I draw a blank. I figure i would want someone more extroverted, but I have no idea what kind of topic I would want them to start the conversation with.

I am interested in lots of things, but my first thought would be to question why they randomly started talking about it and I would mentally back off. If that person did small talk, it would bug the heck out of me. And now I realize the folly in my actions. No wonder I seem unapproachable at times.

 

[EyeSeeCold]

I have a few close friends myself. One thing mentioned really did get me thinking, however. How does one converse with an IxTx? I am INTP and I have no idea how I would walk up to someone like me. I tried reverse engineering the scenario, and I draw a blank. I figure i would want someone more extroverted, but I have no idea what kind of topic I would want them to start the conversation with.

I am interested in lots of things, but my first thought would be to question why they randomly started talking about it and I would mentally back off. If that person did small talk, it would bug the heck out of me. And now I realize the folly in my actions. No wonder I seem unapproachable at times.

This is something to think about.

I realize I wouldn't know how to approach myself nor sustain a conversation.

I don't do well with familiarity, probing, excessive emotionality, or superficiality; and it seems my personality demands sincerity and authentic interest(or at least someone with enough skill to fake it).

This means that while I don't mind talking about something interesting with a random person, I don't react well to people who deliberately try to befriend me or get to know me. I prefer a gradual process of just casually doing things together that build up a rapport.

This makes it pretty hard for me to really befriend anyone, because it's a process, my greatest chances were during gradeschool. Unless I get a stable job somewhere that lasts for a long time I don't see any prospects.

 

[Lydia]

I was held back to stay in touch with friends. Rather, avoidant of their company and keeping in touch with my own thoughts were enough for me. Thus I was comfortable for my own liberty.

I prefer not to be known by so many friends/aqquintances. Therefore I relish to keep a close 2-3 friends, who I could meet thoroughly. Though everybody were very uninteresting, so I have not got a proper friend. These days I have obtained my shallow side and just utilize somebody from my past high-school, to go out with.

Friends are a baggage at times, it is emotionally a hard-work to be there at their company. Knowing there will be face-to-face contact, time & time again. I stand by my own hands. Cannot rely on another pair of hands.

 

[Hadoblado]

I use my close friends to widen my social horizons. Through these friends I meet new friends, and so I never really feel the need to introduce myself to strangers. When I do end up cold canvassing, it's usually because I find them to have a mutual interest and I find them interesting.

Though I am somewhat more extroverted than a lot of the people on here, I am also a pretty invested hermit who rarely leaves the house if he can help it.

I am lax in my duties as a friend, and will often not even speak to some of them for months at a time. My justification for still counting such people as close friends is not that I need them in my life, but that even after not speaking to them for years, I would still be able to pick up the phone and pick up where we were last without any hard feelings.

 

[knight in battle]

When I do end up cold canvassing, it's usually because I find them to have a mutual interest and I find them interesting.

My INTP friend is just as you describe. He'll sometimes ask me to "hang out" but oftentimes it's because he wants me to accompany him to hang out with his more "interesting" close friends. But oftentimes, we do find something to do together, usually routine things like movies. Sometimes, he'll want me to show up to play games with him and his friends, assuming that I have similar interests. Even though we'd been friends for a while, I can see that I'm not really that interesting to him, but it's taken me some time to figure out that he doesn't want friendship with me as much as he wants familiarity PLUS interesting friends/mutual interests.

 

[Hadoblado]

I'm surprised he doesn't find you more interesting, INFP's are generally good value.

The described trend above only applies to meeting new people, I am fiercely loyal to any friend that makes it to a certain milestone (I'm not sure exactly when this is), if they are not particularly interesting or unpredictable people I often internalize them as more basic conceptual entities which are still extremely useful food for thought.

You may undervalue yourself, or misinterpret signals?

 

[knight in battle]

I'm surprised he doesn't find you more interesting, INFP's are generally good value.

...
I am fiercely loyal to any friend that makes it to a certain milestone (I'm not sure exactly when this is), if they are not particularly interesting or unpredictable people I often internalize them as more basic conceptual entities which are still extremely useful food for thought.

You may undervalue yourself, or misinterpret signals?

I think that Thinkers often read Feelers as undervaluing themselves or that they are weak or having low self-esteem, when all we are doing is using a respectful tone that we are used to. They are often correct about this assessment and we (INFs) would do better to relate to INTPs with an assertive tone rather than an unassuming stance.

When I am playful or childish, he can sometimes take this as a signal to oppress, but sometimes he is delighted by it - particularly when I show my playful side in group situations. He is also at times uncomfortable with sarcasm.

My INTP friend and I have become quite the close friends, and I do believe he values me at a great level. However, I think we are incompatible when it comes to discussion or conversation. Our topics of interest rarely intersect, although I am very capable of discussing the topics he raises. Though he is respectful when listening to my responses/explanations, he seems to seek the explanations of others and doesn't listen for very long to mine. So I find it more fulfilling to discuss those topics with others whom I find more willing to engage in dialogue on those issues.

However, I have made a new INTP friend, and we seem to be more natural in our exchange of humor, conversation, and general rapport.

It's not unknown that NFs and NTs get along. I get along very well with INTs in general, no doubt about it.

 

[knight in battle]

While it is easy enough to spot introverts and rational people like us, how would you approach them? The conventional way of doing this (saying hi, making small talk, etc) is tailored towards extraverts and the like.

You are absolutely right that it's easy to spot introverts. I automatically find rapport with INT's in the process of seeking out introverts to hang out with. Thus far, I have two INTP friends.

But save yourself some trouble. My INTP friend is a great person to hang out with, but we often rub each other the wrong way... he offends me, I irritate him, etc. Recently he befriended an INTJ friend of mine, and they get along fine when they get a chance to play games. He respects him because of his competence and maturity. (I enjoy the INTJ friend for different reasons.) The point is that they can get along fine with similar agendas - common activity interests... common Rational minds. They speak the same language.

I'd say, find yourself a couple of good NT friends. ESFJs might also be good, if they're not too busy socializing with all their extrovert friends.

 

[ransomNote]

Me too, I also feel that people are boring in general.

But it will be nice to balance with a fair amount of socializing.

I read Leonardo Da Vinci's autobiography, and it said he was friendly and accessible....

 

[snafupants]

Maybe it's because I'm too high on the introverted scale, but I generally have a really hard time keeping friends compared to the average person my age. I've met a lot of people in my life, and I've had good times with them, but I rarely stop to think about saving their numbers or asking to hang out another time. Of all the people I ever met, I only consider about three or four of them to be true friends.

I realize that it's worth socializing a little more, because having contacts always helps with things like dates and jobs, but I just don't see the point. I hate depending on people; I'd rather do things myself. In college, I never went to a professor once for help, and I only asked my classmates for something once or twice. And very few people have interested me to the point where I'd want to hang out with them. Maybe I'm being too judgmental, but most people I see in everyday life just seem so fucking boring. Like there's nothing thoughtful or unique about them.

I know some of you INTPs are rather social, so how do you go about doing it (or forcing yourself to do it). 'Cause I can't even comprehend why someone would want to be around other people for more than three hours a week.

This is going to sound superficial and maybe controlling, but having pals for different occasions and activities is typically appealing to introverted folk, like myself. I have a golf friend, one for poker, one for lazily hanging out, etc. If they try to overstep their designated role I will (reluctantly) go along; however, I only call them up for that one thing, so the message usually gets sent home. It's mutually beneficial and low maintenance and not that antisocial. Especially if the person is into drinking and bar hopping and that shit, this situation is aces.

 

[Enne]

Um, let's see. I don't really know how to start this post. sorry. The school that I am going to has cliques, which is a problem because I can't seem to find any like-minded people in it. I mean, the people in this clique are nice and they know me more than the people in other cliques. But they are mostly Fs and not, as downsowf puts it, "insensitive pricks". So I don't know how to talk to them without hurting their feelings unintentionally. This also means that I can't leave this clique because then I'd hurt them.

Stupid cliques!!! Who came up with an idea like that anyway? So, now I'm stuck with people who are better than acquaintances, but not really my true friends. Which brings me to my next point.

While it is easy enough to spot introverts and rational people like us, how would you approach them? The conventional way of doing this (saying hi, making small talk, etc) is tailored towards extraverts and the like.

You don't really approach them. All of the Rationals that I know irl I know from a mutual observation and understanding of our viewpoints, working and learning styles. This usually comes up in the form of group projects, over the course of classroom discussions etc. It was much easier to meet / get to know these types of people in a university setting, because you will be grouped around one another when it comes to the courses you take and the level of interest / rigor involved with said courses.

Outside of that I'd say to just go out and find things that interest you. Nowadays if you live in / around a city there will be things like Hacker/makerspaces (http://hackerspaces.org/wiki/Hackerspaces), online gaming, and meetups that will tend to attract certain personality types over others, or at least create an opportunity for people of similar temperaments to identify one another and connect.