Do you despize feelings?

[Dada00007]

Hello, do you think that you can be typed as INTP because from some reason you started to despize feelings? Maybe its something which INTJs and INTPs have in common, preffering reason over feelings. But what is the cause?

Is it some trauma? Is it some conditionning, for example from early development in childhood? Or just some native lack of emotional understanding (genetically given)? Is it fear? If so, why?

I find myself to be cynic to people who lack intuitive or theoretical skills. There is just nothing to catch onto (I generalize but those people are mostly SFs). So boring.

 

[somebodiesfool]

I'd say its a defense mechanism. At one point to close off feeling a certain way you've instead decided you could intellectualize and rationalize your way out of them. It's basic Freud really. If you come up with a reason that makes sense in your mind you don't have to focus on uncomfortable feelings.

As to an early childhood trauma it's likely but it takes true introspection. You aren't going to suddenly point to a time and say there but instead it would take conscious work to notice when you are doing it in the here and now. Your reality may be focused on false realities. So really your belief structure may be so out of whack you won't be able to properly evaluate until you shed the fat.

 

[Bijection]

Me and my father are both INTPs and we both did in fact have a rough VERY EARLY childhood (from 0 to 3 years old) due to family issues.

All INTPs I know from real life had some kind of weird shit in their early childhood, but I'm not clear on whether or not every INTP in the world could claim the same thing.


And hell yeah, when I was little, I used to despise feelings A LOT, dismissing them as useless shit that got in the way of the true living (thinking and doing what is right or whatever). I couldn't really understand why "other" people where so much about what they were feeling and so little about what was right/smart/useful.



As somebodiesfool says, I defenetely think it's a defense mechanism. I would actually go as far as to say that it's a deeply flawed one (as in: I'm getting shit from the outer world, every feeling I get is bad, thus I'll just create my own inner world and live here and fuck you and the emotions you give me, as if you could actually separate your inner and outer "worlds"), and it's not very useful in general. It does help in some really interesting ways though. (We're so proud of our "smartness" )

I am a very anxious person (everybody makes fun of me because if you give me a pat on the shoulder when I'm not expecting it, I'll have a giant "jump". I heard stuff like "dude, are you getting flashbacks from Vietnam?" ) and I totally avoid conflict and fear confrontation.


That being said, feelings ARE a very important part of life, almost all of it, and even if we try to bury them, we have very strong ones (at least I do) that are even more childish because of the very fact that we try to bury them. So I am trying to work on being more open, exposing my feelings to others and all that bs. Which is actually good.



I generally don't believe that anything that is personality-related has much to do with genetics. This, because adopted kids really "work out" just like all the others in relation to their parents' personality, regardless of race/genes/whatever the fuck.


So I'm as interested as you are in understanding if this is a recurring pattern... Cause I'd expect it to be just so.

 

[Grayman]

I respect feeling but I am wary of emotions. We all feel what is right and wrong and it is good to get in touch with that and know what you believe deep down is important. Emotions are the reflections of our feelings but they are still seperate from them.

Emotions are more complicated in defining the good and bad because they have influence on those around you and can be a strong part of manipulation. Anyone who grows up around negative manipulation without much in the form of positive emotional influences gains a skewed view that all emotions are bad, destructive, unpleasant, or invalid.

In truth one should always reason before expressing emotions and be wary of how their emotions affect others. To not consider how your emotions might affect those around you is both ignorant and self centered in view.

I can only hope that most grow up around positive emotional influences so that they can learn how valuable they might be. I myself have seen more of the other but enough of the positives to accept value in them as a whole.

I mistrust emotions and it may have something to do with me being INTP as I do not value emotions to the degree as others do but also I question what is an INTP but an INFP who values truth, utility and logic?

For this reason I question if I am INTP or INFP. I feel values, right wrong, and importance just like a feeler but then I prioritize the value of questioning those values also.

 

[StevenM]

I 'despize' when people try to manipulate me with emotion.

Because it can happen all too easily.

 

[nearfantastica]

I don't despise feelings. I'm just very ineffective at using them for productive purposes--or expressing them at all, really. Not only do I see it as some sort of display of weakness (which reeks of psyche problems haha) but they make me very uncomfortable. All of which is a side effect of inferior/auxiliary feeling.

What you seem to be curious about is whether or not type is inherent from birth or created by environment. And I'd say it's probably a little bit of column A and a little bit of column B.

 

[Yellow]

I think INTPs, INTJs and perhaps other Ts will go to great lengths to suppress emotions when suffering from distress intolerance. This would be most prominent in youth, when we are ill equipped to deal with unfortunate circumstances, though I suppose it is a tool available to us throughout life. However, as we mature, we find that we need to reintroduce emotion into our lives. I think it comes with the realization that denial of emotion is not, in fact, control. It is a mediocre coping mechanism at best. We have to face our feelings in order to deal with them appropriately and to ensure that they are not impairing our judgment, memories, or decisions.

 

[MellifluousSky]

I think INTPs, INTJs and perhaps other Ts will go to great lengths to suppress emotions when suffering from distress intolerance. This would be most prominent in youth, when we are ill equipped to deal with unfortunate circumstances, though I suppose it is a tool available to us throughout life. However, as we mature, we find that we need to reintroduce emotion into our lives. I think it comes with the realization that denial of emotion is not, in fact, control. It is a mediocre coping mechanism at best. We have to face our feelings in order to deal with them appropriately and to ensure that they are not impairing our judgment, memories, or decisions.

As an INFJ, slightly over 40, the weirdest thing is how Ti has become more pronounced. I just feel smarter than I remember in my younger years, especially as I end my Bachelor's in IT next week. I can spend the whole day immersed in something but then I will have episodes where I just want to feel things...I want to be affected by something beautiful, usually phantasmagoric, sad or lachrymose in some way. It's a particular quirk of 4w5...wanting to be immersed in something that inspires intense feeling...like Fe wanting something to commune with in the absence of human contact. In that absence, it simply plumbs the depths of the mind for something to chew on. I have times when I feel like the shadow of my type...ESTP...love to dance and spout dialogue from all the movies I've seen. I don't really want too much for company since my divorce, and I am probably what could be considered a hermit. But I've got a derma-pen and I love the hell out of blazers, peacoats and slim-boot cut jeans.

 

[manishboy]

I find myself to be cynic to people who lack intuitive or theoretical skills. There is just nothing to catch onto (I generalize but those people are mostly SFs). So boring.

A question: How does it feel when you encounter someone who has greater intuitive and theoretical skills than you do and so finds you incredibly boring?

A suggestion: If there is nothing "to catch onto" then perhaps the problem is that your model of human nature is too coarse. Live and learn about people and you might find that there is something to catch onto wherever you look.

 

[Bijection]

A question: How does it feel when you encounter someone who has greater intuitive and theoretical skills than you do and so finds you incredibly boring?

A suggestion: If there is nothing "to catch onto" then perhaps the problem is that your model of human nature is too coarse. Live and learn about people and you might find that there is something to catch onto wherever you look.

Spot on.


Guys, nobody wants to catch onto the "i had/had not a harsh early childhood"? Still don't know any INTPs who had not. Yet I don't think the two things are equivalent (as in necessary and sufficient).

 

[Zeta]

Oh haha,
It seemed that it's not only me who had that harsh childhood

Well, it's not like we hate feelings. It's just that most of the times, feelings are very dangerous. It could drive us to do reckless things with no clear reasons and clouded our judgement. And with feelings, the pain you've got taste as twice as bad.

I regard feelings and emotions as a serious things and do not wish to get involved with anyone who use it for manipulating others. And those kind of people existed everywhere. By exposing my feelings, i feel vulnerable to those kind of attacks. But sometimes, it really is just me who don't know how to express feelings properly and actually feel comfortable by expressing it.

And i guess, that childhood trauma did that effect too. the experience might resulted in a kind of automatic defense system that had me rejected feelings completely in earlier times. But, as Yellow said, as i grew up, i came to a realization that feelings are important and not really a weakness (sometimes). And well, i am currently learning how to deal with them properly.

Sometimes i get jealous at people who can express their feelings freely without worrying the later effects that they might get (like, betrayed, disappointed, etc). I wonder how they did it..

 

[Polaris]

I don't despise them because they are emergent properties of a whole and therefore essential to my being. I am frightened by them because I don't understand them. What frightens me more is the control I seem to exercise over them to the point where it has become a default state of being, and my invalidation of them renders me incomprehensible to people around me.

I am an extremely isolated being. I avoid people because of feelings. Feelings are important in communication and because I am so detached from my own feelings I communicate poorly and thus avoid potential conflict at all cost. My only free space is with my partner and when I can talk about a specific topic. I avoid interpersonal chit chat because it makes me extremely anxious as I am worried about 'putting my foot in it' all the time. Particularly in this country I live in where extroversion seems to be idealised. The place is crawling with ES types and sometimes I want to run and hide. After spending time with people like that I become more depressed because I feel too different as I cannot sit for hours and talk about myself or other people without having a meltdown in the public toilet afterwards. I am dreading tomorrow because I have to go to a Christmas celebration with people I barely know. My heart is racing, my mind is going berserk because I have to prepare myself for the public persona I have to display. I wish I could take a drug for it, so I could relax and enjoy it like everyone else....

Spoiler

Btw, I do not ask or wish for any advice. Sometimes I just wish to purge. Perhaps someone can relate.

Hmm, with respect to the questions in the OP. I think partially conditioning, partially hard-wired. I think hard-wiring is true because I was like this as a very young child. Not interested in other children because of the loudness, aggression and the nature of their games. I was naturally drawn to grown up conversation and books. I later made some very few friends who are still my friends today. I have realised they are all NT types. My mother is a German ESTJ who believed in the tradtional German school of tough child rearing. No emotions or weaknesses allowed. Work hard, take the punishment, no time for self-indulgence. Get a career, work harder for your retirement. Depression and anxiety were for weak people.

Result: constant worry about future, constant guilt, constant feeling of inadequacy. I am thinking of changing these obsessive thoughts through some kind of therapy.

 

[StevenM]

^ So true.

 

[Ex-User (8886)]

Feelings are very important tool, so it is stiupid to despize them.

 

[Architect]

Hello, do you think that you can be typed as INTP because from some reason you started to despize feelings?

No, but it certainly could be an indication.

I'm put off (disgusted might be better) at overly sentimental or exaggerated displays of emotion. I told a story here once about a dinner I went to where two ISFJ's and an ESFP started crying over, well I'm not sure what. Anyhow I found that display distasteful and ridiculous, but I'm sure it felt good to them and meant something.

But refined or channeled emotions have great meaning for me. I express my emotions mainly through Cinema and classical music. I'll tear up at some sentimental part of a movie, and feel sublimity while listening to music.

So in the right context (introverted, personal and channeled) emotional expression and experience is very important to me, but in another context (uncontrolled, extroverted and exaggerated) I despise it, to use your word.

 

[Architect]

Result: constant worry about future, constant guilt, constant feeling of inadequacy. I am thinking of changing these obsessive thoughts through some kind of therapy.

I use my INFJ as my sounding board in this regards. Having the outside perspective to work through these kinds of things is very helpful. If you don't have somebody close you can talk to then a therapist can help.

Working through inculcation and childhood training takes a long time, so it's worth starting early. The process is that you have some idea or theme for the day that you think about. Then when you sleep, your brain "unwires' the habits, and it will take many days usually to really unwind.

For example, take "feelings of inadequacy". Spend a day thinking about this for yourself. Think about how this feeling was impressed on you as a childhood, from whatever source. See yourself outside your feelings, as an outside observer. Think about it in a different context, how would you be if raised differently. If you have anger at the source (grandparent or whatever) then accept that and feel it. You don't need focused time, but just in your idle time during the day consider these thoughts. Then sleep on it.

The next day you'll be a little different. You might not easily see this however because it's gradual, but you will be different in this regards. It can be useful to write, or make a recording (video or audio) of your thoughts the previous day. Then in a month, or a year review that and see how things have changed. If you work at it every day you'll change quite a bit, unwinding the bad habits you have. Comparing the before and after will make it obvious.

The key is the active thinking during the day, which gives your brain a chance to rewire during the night. This is why it takes time.

Spoiler

It is also helpful if the person (presuming its an individual) happens to still be around for you to confront, in a small way. I know people who have fights with their parents or whatnot over these kinds of things, but I don't think that's appropriate. For me, while my mother was alive I'm glad I worked up to the point where I was able to tell her that I'm not religious simply because I can't be, I'm not that kind of person. She had nothing to say to that, but I was glad I did say it. There is a similar kind of thing with my dad.

Don't worry if the people aren't around, their ghosts are in your head and you can just as easily confront them, as they are the more important ones anyhow.