Do I have a enneagram type?

[SteppeWanderer]

I didn’t think what I ended up writing would be so long .

I was reading the enneagram websites type descriptions and they all seem sort of generalized enough that they could be applied to almost anybody.

I was caught thinking that because I ignore my own feelings a lot maybe looking at the enneagram again would help, but I am wondering if it really applies to me.

I was really troubled when I was younger so I naturally thought I was a type 4, in fact what is recommended for self improvement really helped and I changed a lot as a result but it recommends to not identify with your feelings as much and to be more objective. But I also see how being troubled can make someone look like a type 4, so I’m not really sure. I have pursued the arts my whole life and it has been a major interest, I have been interested in visual art, music and acting. It’s hard to imagine me having a normal job that doesn’t relate to art in some way it just doesn’t really appeal to me. I don’t care about being unique that much though, I find it strange that wanting to be unique takes that much precedent in someone’s life but I do like to try and be unique when I can, though I don’t know if it’s that important to me.

I was told before that I am a type 3, but I am not sure if that really fits either. I have never been popular I have been told my whole life that I have an “edge” and that I go “against the grain” I follow my own values, I don’t conform to what anyone else really expects or thinks that much. I’m very modest, I don’t like dressing up very much, I feel like I’ll always be sort of a punk for the rest of my life sort of, depending on my mood.

But the thing is I was orphaned as a child and felt I wasn’t loved enough as a child and it left with me this desire to be famous my whole life, so I have won parts out of auditions for plays I did some theater, but when I moved to the city when I was still a teenager, I got more into music and would play the guitar all day for like 8 hours a day and listen to nothing but music and I didn’t even have a television I would read books for entertainment. I was only able to really fit 8 hours a day into my schedule. I walked faster then everybody else and I talked faster then everybody else.

But yeah, I wanted to be one of the greatest musicians of all time, so I just did that for years and I did master the guitar and could play virtually anything on it. I took singing lessons too and I learned how to sing a bit. And I wrote all the time. But I faced a lot of antagonism for this lifestyle choice and I was almost homeless many times. I lived in over 20 different houses all and all, it really left marks on me.

Now because something happened to me I cannot play music anymore so I decided to become a comic book artist and writer, I am going to start spending like 15 hours a day practicing how to draw, and I’m going to learn how to paint too, I want to be like a combination of Frank Frazetta and Alex Ross and then use comic book art as leverage to get into writing which I also really want to do, and then publish my own comic book characters, and then start a multimedia company and try to rival Studio Ghibli. I don’t just want to do superheroes. Earlier I was thinking how I would like to make my own comic book to rival Akira.

But anyway, being successful is like this all encompassing void in my life I can’t escape from it this all encompassing pull as well it’s almost a source of anxiety, it has the most power in my life, it’s like their is something pushing me forward to attempt and go as far as I can go.

And then there’s enneagram one.

I fit the enneagram one type very well too. Except, I’m not the most ethical but I would say I am very moral. Ever since I was young I was concerned with being good and doing the right thing, it was really important to me to be good. I would like to make the world a better place, but I haven’t really bothered because I don’t think I can have that much of an effect, mostly when I was younger I was just victimized and I remember, I tried to show that I cared for others when I was young but I was told that I was or that it was gay. Things like that. My quest to do what is right and find peace and love has taken me down many different paths and detours and lead me to personal conclusions that might seem the opposite of what is right ethical or goodness and peace in some way.

 

[Puffy]

I can relate to some of that but probably for different reasons than you.

In my 20s all I wanted was to be a famous author, in particular of graphic novels. I dedicated all my time to reading and writing.

I gradually started to realise that I was compensating to fill a void in my life. I was very lonely and didn't have friends, family or partners around me. So it was something to fill the lonely void with. A part of me also wonders if I felt I needed to demonstrate I could do something exceptional to prove that I'm loveable.

With that realisation it obviously felt more meaningful to focus my time on cultivating relationships and it became less meaningful to write. I still write occasionally but it's not a big focus in my life anymore. If I do creative things I prefer to do it in groups where there's a chance for bonding.

Vocationally I've found I'm enjoying moving into massage where I get to an observe a before/after benefit in people I'm working with.

 

[SteppeWanderer]

I can relate to some of that but probably for different reasons than you.

In my 20s all I wanted was to be a famous author, in particular of graphic novels. I dedicated all my time to reading and writing.

I gradually started to realise that I was compensating to fill a void in my life. I was very lonely and didn't have friends, family or partners around me. So it was something to fill the lonely void with. A part of me also wonders if I felt I needed to demonstrate I could do something exceptional to prove that I'm loveable.

With that realisation it obviously felt more meaningful to focus my time on cultivating relationships and it became less meaningful to write. I still write occasionally but it's not a big focus in my life anymore. If I do creative things I prefer to do it in groups where there's a chance for bonding.

Vocationally I've found I'm enjoying moving into massage where I get to an observe a before/after benefit in people I'm working with.

Okay but what does that have to do with enneagram

With enneagram generally it’s supposed to be your conditioning and it’s difficult to deny it’s influence or affect and could possibly be a part of who you are that is difficult if not impossible to change.

For me when I talk about enneagram I am speaking about conditions that is difficult to dissuade in anyway.

Nothing really can alter or change it’s effect too drastically,

 

[Puffy]

I can relate to some of that but probably for different reasons than you.

In my 20s all I wanted was to be a famous author, in particular of graphic novels. I dedicated all my time to reading and writing.

I gradually started to realise that I was compensating to fill a void in my life. I was very lonely and didn't have friends, family or partners around me. So it was something to fill the lonely void with. A part of me also wonders if I felt I needed to demonstrate I could do something exceptional to prove that I'm loveable.

With that realisation it obviously felt more meaningful to focus my time on cultivating relationships and it became less meaningful to write. I still write occasionally but it's not a big focus in my life anymore. If I do creative things I prefer to do it in groups where there's a chance for bonding.

Vocationally I've found I'm enjoying moving into massage where I get to an observe a before/after benefit in people I'm working with.

Okay but what does that have to do with enneagram

Seemed on topic with some of the themes you were exploring in your OP.

 

[SteppeWanderer]

I can relate to some of that but probably for different reasons than you.

In my 20s all I wanted was to be a famous author, in particular of graphic novels. I dedicated all my time to reading and writing.

I gradually started to realise that I was compensating to fill a void in my life. I was very lonely and didn't have friends, family or partners around me. So it was something to fill the lonely void with. A part of me also wonders if I felt I needed to demonstrate I could do something exceptional to prove that I'm loveable.

With that realisation it obviously felt more meaningful to focus my time on cultivating relationships and it became less meaningful to write. I still write occasionally but it's not a big focus in my life anymore. If I do creative things I prefer to do it in groups where there's a chance for bonding.

Vocationally I've found I'm enjoying moving into massage where I get to an observe a before/after benefit in people I'm working with.

Okay but what does that have to do with enneagram

Seemed on topic with some of the themes you were exploring in your OP.

Nothing really changes your fundamental conditioning generally the enneagram says that in the most healthiest levels you can can achieve some form of equanimity but those basic tendencies will still most likely be there.

For me relationships haven’t really helped
Except for this one person I met, I truly love them more then anyone I have ever met before and prior to that I thought I had experienced love and maybe it was but it was a lot more fleeting then this they’re the only person that made me feel like I could settle and change my ways and I would be happy just to have them in my life but still my workaholic tendencies still show it’s very difficult for me to live with goals to pursue and I want something to succeed or excel at but I am a strange 3 if I am because I don’t value status conscious pursuits or showings of wealth too much, like wearing designer jeans where I came from was really lavish where as now it’s just like how can you not wear “designer jeans” isn’t that just what everybody wears to dress themselves?

I guess the richest people around me were like rich farmers and shit for the most part or country folk

But I don’t know, I honestly have problems with my identity knowing what is true for me or not because I ignore my feelings

It’s hard knowing who I am because I went from being extremely troubled in my youth to facing much uncertainty in general I think coming from my background it took a lot of effort and tireless hard work just to become healthy balanced and capable, so I learned how to be capable and how to achieve things where as before when I was younger it was difficult for me to accomplish anything at all

I forgot to mention I am very much an individual due to my experiences but I don’t know if that’s a four thing or not

 

[SteppeWanderer]

I don’t mean to write so much it doesn’t seem like a lot when I am in the process of writing le sigh

 

[SteppeWanderer]

I can relate to some of that but probably for different reasons than you.

In my 20s all I wanted was to be a famous author, in particular of graphic novels. I dedicated all my time to reading and writing.

I gradually started to realise that I was compensating to fill a void in my life. I was very lonely and didn't have friends, family or partners around me. So it was something to fill the lonely void with. A part of me also wonders if I felt I needed to demonstrate I could do something exceptional to prove that I'm loveable.

With that realisation it obviously felt more meaningful to focus my time on cultivating relationships and it became less meaningful to write. I still write occasionally but it's not a big focus in my life anymore. If I do creative things I prefer to do it in groups where there's a chance for bonding.

Vocationally I've found I'm enjoying moving into massage where I get to an observe a before/after benefit in people I'm working with.

Okay but what does that have to do with enneagram

Seemed on topic with some of the themes you were exploring in your OP.

It’s kind of like Naruto for me I guess everyone types Naruto as a type 3 who if really surprised me despite being fiction I really relate to Naruto more then most fictional characters or otherwise it’s like his whole being is defined by this desire or need to succeed and become a grandmaster hokage it’s like devoting yourself entirely to some kind of ideal or pursuit with your entire being I am drawn to that Naruto otherwise comes from very meager means supposedly he is an ENFP

Remembering Naruto makes me feel more certain of my enneagram though I wonder if it’s a fault with the enneagram itself

It says fours are self renewing and I am kind of self renewing so it makes me wonder if really aggravates me not being sure but oh well

 

[SteppeWanderer]

Threes want success not so much for the things that success will buy (like Sevens), or for the power and feeling of independence that it will bring (like Eights). They want success because they are afraid of disappearing into a chasm of emptiness and worthlessness
This is true though I am not sure about the worthlessness part I don’t know if that’s a major fear of mine.
Threes can become so alienated from themselves that they no longer know what they truly want, or what their real feelings or interests are. In this state, they are easy prey to self–deception, deceit, and falseness of all kinds.
I struggle with this a lot, my feelings are kind of foreign to me even though I think I am a feeler

 

[SteppeWanderer]

Fuck
I don’t think the enneagram works for me