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The Tyranny of Eros

Esurient Fere

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In my invariably short existence I, like I suspect many of you, have had major problems navigating emotional landscapes. I've always found that it's clearly better to simply go after what you want but people can be so confusing. I've also spent an absorbent amount of time trying to figure out the relationship dynamics around me and have come to the conclusion that "Feels" run on an entirely different system than logic. The rules are difficult to follow.

I've found that the difficulty usually grows from unequal investment. I may be falling into the trap of magnetic attraction because I tend to get bored with people. No one really approaches life with my voracity. So to start with there's, roughly, three months of intense immersion followed by a slow and steady decline in connection until everything burns out. I realize this corresponds to the infatuation period but haven't a clue on how to mitigate the issue :confused:

So what are your experiences in the mire of romantic encounters and what can be passed on as practical information/advice/understanding of personal development?
 
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In my invariably short existence I, like I suspect many of you, have had major problems navigating emotional landscapes. I've always found that it's clearly better to simply go after what you want but people can be so confusing. I've also spent an absorbent amount of time trying to figure out the relationship dynamics around me and have come to the conclusion that "Feels" run on an entirely different system than logic. The rules are difficult to follow.

I've found that the difficulty usually grows from unequal investment. I may be falling into the trap of magnetic attraction because I tend to get bored with people. No one really approaches life with my voracity. So to start with there's, roughly, three months of intense immersion followed by a slow and steady decline in connection until everything burns out. I realize this corresponds to the infatuation period but haven't a clue on how to mitigate the issue :confused:

So what are your experiences in the mire of romantic encounters and what can be passed on as practical information/advice/understanding of personal development?

Quagmire? Yes.

As far as romantic encounters, and now having arrived at a place where I can explain my unique interior world as INTP through and through (took about 5 years of deep self exploration, therapists, psychiatrists, etc), I wish I had been able to just wait until I had developed myself to the point where I knew what I was looking for. That is, just wait to even bother looking, if at all, for a romantic interest. In my case it would have been mid 30s at the earliest when I might have known myself well enough to bother.

Advice to younger twenty-ish self:
Don't be in a hurry. Find someone who compliments your personal, specific self. Screw the rest of the E and S world and most of the Js in the world. They all suck. As in suck the life right out of the INTJ. If not, your midlife crisis awaits.
 

Lot

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At first I thought the thread title was the tranny of eros.

The thing is. Feelings are often rooted in thoughts. They are the result of an idea or judgement. There is nothing illogical about it. Illogical emotions come from illogical worldviews, thoughts, and perspectives. Many of us are not in tune with ourselves 100%. I actually don't think any of us are.

That all being said, I have been a complete retard when it come to romance. Going after people that aren't right for me, being too passive, and judging people on their looks too much. It hasn't been until recently that I've been able to make correction. Mostly because I spent my early 20's scared of women, and sex. I was very religious, and thought that my sexual thoughts were sinful. So I didn't date, which lead to my lack of self knowledge. Which is why I went for the wrong people.

Your parent's romance/s also play a big role on who and what you are looking for. Look at them interact. Think back to your childhood. This can be a bigger picture of yourself than you might even realize.

Just my 2 cents.
 

redbaron

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As far as I've experienced, that burnout occurs when you're with someone who you're fundamentally incompatible with. You can prolong the decline but ultimately if your interest declines that fast, it's not anyone's fault and it's not worth forcing a continued relationship.

The only way I've found to prevent this is to be unapologetically honest and open from the beginning of relations. That way you'll filter out anyone incompatible pretty fast and anything that does progress further, is likely something more substantial than a passing infatuation.

Many relationships are built on thinly woven threads of (often unintentional) deceit and cognitive dissonance that are doomed to fail somewhere along the way. Be honest with yourself and your partner, make an effort to communicate. You'll scare a few people off but anyone scared off by honesty wasn't worth the time anyway.
 

Shieru

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I think DrGregoryHouse has a very good point: it's crucial to truly know yourself and be honest about what you desire in a partner before attempting to get into a relationship. The most loving gift you can give to someone who desires to connect with you is this kind of knowledge of yourself.. I think, one of the basic reasons why two people will want to stay together for a long time is that they find one another continuously interesting. What often makes someone interesting is that they have a well developed personality, are dynamic and always have something new to share. Self development and independence are (perhaps ironically) probably some of the most direct actions toward cultivating relationships.

Relationships are such a complex phenomenon, one that teaches itself to us throughout our lives/experiences. The heart is, indeed, a different thing from pure intellect - often its logic is a mystery and seems counter intuitive. I don't know if there is a way to understand the dynamics of the heart fully, especially considering how the particular causality of each heart is personal and unique. But, from what I've experienced so far, there is a way to learn how to navigate the heart - one's own as well as that of another.

I think the best way of learning any topic is through direct experience/practice. However.. concerning relationship dynamics - if you prefer a priori knowledge - there is one book I'd recommend; Soulmates by Thomas Moore. I'm in the middle of it right now, pursuing a similar type of education as yourself, and have found everything in it quite valuable.
 

Brontosaurie

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why must you have a longer relationship? if shorter flings is what comes naturally to you, nothing wrong about that.
 

Esurient Fere

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I appreciate all the input :)
DrGregoryHouse said:
Quagmire? Yes.

As far as romantic encounters, and now having arrived at a place where I can explain my unique interior world as INTP through and through (took about 5 years of deep self exploration, therapists, psychiatrists, etc), I wish I had been able to just wait until I had developed myself to the point where I knew what I was looking for. That is, just wait to even bother looking, if at all, for a romantic interest. In my case it would have been mid 30s at the earliest when I might have known myself well enough to bother.

I have been on a pretty long journey deep into the inner world. It still feels like I'm just scratching the surface. I've been through two and a half years of therapy and three relevant relationships. I've learned a lot from all of this. Each relationship redefining what I look for and how I approach them. I don't tend to go looking for relationships but I'm interested in gathering exceptional people to my circle. It just happens and it happened to happen with an INFJ. It's a little spooky and refreshing how well they understand my emotions I don't have a firm grasp on. They're so sincere in just the right way...

Lot said:
At first I thought the thread title was the tranny of eros.
I think I could write that story ;)

Lot said:
The thing is. Feelings are often rooted in thoughts. They are the result of an idea or judgement. There is nothing illogical about it. Illogical emotions come from illogical worldviews, thoughts, and perspectives. Many of us are not in tune with ourselves 100%. I actually don't think any of us are.
This has not been my experience. Even on a logical path two minds can come to different valid answers based on the same facts. I have found that emotions seem to work sideways. A lot of how it works for an individual can be sussed out logically but there is a component that resists logical analysis. Maybe it's a difference in starting points, priorities, or even just willingness. There are logical explanations for some of the emotional areas (easy example) that carry a good logical line but don't really do the concept justice.

Lot said:
Your parent's romance/s also play a big role on who and what you are looking for. Look at them interact. Think back to your childhood. This can be a bigger picture of yourself than you might even realize.
I'm okay with that I guess. They've been together for decades and seem content to continue on.

redbaron said:
The only way I've found to prevent this is to be unapologetically honest and open from the beginning of relations. That way you'll filter out anyone incompatible pretty fast and anything that does progress further, is likely something more substantial than a passing infatuation.
This has been my approach but I find it incredibly difficult to actually express myself correctly. Honestly I'm very unsure of just about everything. There are a few things I have clearly defined. What I want is not one of them. But I'm usually candid and I'm working on being forth coming with information.

shieu said:
However.. concerning relationship dynamics - if you prefer a priori knowledge - there is one book I'd recommend; Soulmates by Thomas Moore. I'm in the middle of it right now, pursuing a similar type of education as yourself, and have found everything in it quite valuable.
That sounds interesting, I'll check it out. Be warned that this will affect the validity of all your future book recommendations ;)
 

Jennywocky

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I'm not really sure what I can contribute that hasn't been said.

I had the same experience when I first started getting involved with people (Feelers too, I needed them to "draw me out" of myself, T's were more standoff-ish so nothing ever happened), and especially in my marriage. It felt like I got stranded on another planet where I didn't know the language or the rules, and my best intentions were sometimes read as antagonism or lack of commitment or some other negative, versus just being my natural detachment. It was a frustrating painful time, but I did learn. I was in the 'religious' environment too, so there were lots of other rules surrounding roles and who people were supposed to be, that I was always butting up against either in regards to my own sense of self and its validity, or what others were expecting and demanding.

The learning process of something alien is a mixed bag to me. There's the benefit of understanding and growth, but it comes with a hell of a lot of frustration and pain sometimes. How much is too much, before you legitimately can say that you've learned enough of "that" per se? I don't know. I encourage learning how other [different kinds of] people think, but at the same time at some point where it erodes who you are so that you're no longer yourself / compromising your own preferences, I think now a line needs to be drawn.

One of the lessons was being more open about who I was, versus flexing so much, and letting others decide if I was someone they were interested in. Too much flex = relationships built on false perceptions = frustration if you keep flexing, and potential disillusionment/rejection if you don't. Best to be more "you" from the start.

I understand the "drifting" thing. I'm a fast burn -- I click with someone, learn all I can with intensity, then the fuel burns out and while I'm still always open and available to that person, the intensity of my interest subsides. But I think some variation of that might exist in any relationship; it's like doing a startup company, the best leader to get the company up and rolling isn't the best leader to maintain it over the long haul of maturation; so you can expect the intensity to change, and then you rely on other practices and interactions and feelings to maintain you over the long haul, I think. You just have to decide if someone is worth that long haul even if you no longer feel a sharp burn all the time.
 

Esurient Fere

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Jennywocky said:
You just have to decide if someone is worth that long haul even if you no longer feel a sharp burn all the time.
This sentence is very unassuming for how big it really is. I have run up against this before in both having my partner offer to "make" things work and carrying the mentality myself. I'm wary because when I gave it I ended up getting abused (Sob story I know, but it was years ago. I got out and adapted.) and When it was offered to me I just couldn't accept how much work it would be for someone who really couldn't keep up with me.

I'm just not sure where the distinction lies.

Love seems to be such a temporary and situational thing. So what does it mean when you fall out of love? I can't really wrap my head around the idea of loving someone for the rest of my life. People change and everything is ephemeral. Why would love be different? Yet that's what I want. Something that will at least outlast my lifetime.

I figure the problem really boils down to me. As mentioned earlier there's a lot of self understanding and openness involved and I don't really see myself as being very developed. I'm still stuck in the "easier to define what I don't believe" stage.

It is an alien system but it's fascinating to me. I've spent a lot of time trying to understand people. I suppose I'm just a slow learner dealing with a complex subject.
 

Jennywocky

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This sentence is very unassuming for how big it really is.

I understand.

I felt that way with my ex-spouse for years (we both did), and primarily we stayed together at first because (1) the faith we belonged to didn't really offer the possiblity of legitimate divorce for that reason and (2) we had kids. So we both resolved to make it work. Otherwise it would have likely ended. I remember being trapped, miserable, and... bored. Very very bored.

We broke up for other reasons years and years later, but I'm glad at that point it wasn't over just "losing interest." I found at somewhere around the 7-10 year mark, I began to value familiarity more than I had (even if i still value intensity) -- I knew my partner very very well, despite the disappointments, and we had weathered a lot of storms together.

It's interesting how there are different kinds of glue that can cement people together, even if I prefer one over the other.

But ... who wants to wait THAT long to feel attached to one's partner, especially if you're not even sure they should be your partner?


I have run up against this before in both having my partner offer to "make" things work and carrying the mentality myself. I'm wary because when I gave it I ended up getting abused (Sob story I know, but it was years ago. I got out and adapted.) and When it was offered to me I just couldn't accept how much work it would be for someone who really couldn't keep up with me.

Yeah. And yes, something might be a "sob story," but it doesn't make it less real. You sound like you have some healthy awareness of it. I guess I'm saying it's okay to acknowledge it, it doesn't mean you're wallowing.

Love seems to be such a temporary and situational thing. So what does it mean when you fall out of love? I can't really wrap my head around the idea of loving someone for the rest of my life. People change and everything is ephemeral. Why would love be different? Yet that's what I want. Something that will at least outlast my lifetime.

haha... yes. That was a hard lesson for me to learn. I grew up surrounded by absolutes (religious, mainly), even if I'm not an absolute-type person, and I bought into it because I felt I had been convinced it was correct and so I just neeed to adapt to it. But I couldn't in the long haul. Things are more ephemeral, that became obvious once I had a number of friendships and a few relationships.

My ex thought that everything permanent and you just fight to stay the same; I think now at this point of my life, life is change and you only stay together if you both change in similar ways (and thus like going along the same currents, otherwise you are swept in different directions... and that's not good or bad, it just IS).

But I wish there was a foundational love that endured. I still think it could be possible, but it involves being willing to change along with each other. (That's why my marriage ended; there was a lot of change, and one of us could embrace change and the other one hated it.) I still sometimes have desires for "God' like I was able to believe when young before I gained more experience and knowledge, even though I see it now as not likely; I just still have that crazy desire for something solid and dependable and transcendent. Doesn't make sense; but it doesn't make it go away either.

I figure the problem really boils down to me. As mentioned earlier there's a lot of self understanding and openness involved and I don't really see myself as being very developed. I'm still stuck in the "easier to define what I don't believe" stage.

That definitely is easier. I really only came to realize "what I believed" in the positive sense (versus "what I rejected) over the last five years or so, I think. When I look back, it's clear to me NOW that I believed those things a long time, I just couldn't put them into words.

Where do you see yourself in five years? Or where do you hope to be?

It is an alien system but it's fascinating to me. I've spent a lot of time trying to understand people. I suppose I'm just a slow learner dealing with a complex subject.

An a fellow "intensifier," where I've come to is that some types of complex subjects aren't nearly as intuitive or quick, and you learn more over the long haul. There's head knowledge, there's intuition, and then there's life experience, and it takes a long time to accumulate the latter. I still feel naive about many things. Patience, meh, no fun... but it sounds like you're aware of it, wanting to learn, and grappling with this head-on. So that's a good thing.
 

Sinny91

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I don't know OP; but if you figure it out, please be sure to enlighten me.
I've never been able to make a relationship last more than 5 months, for the last 5 years - like somebody has cursed me :rip:

JennyWocky
You just have to decide if someone is worth that long haul even if you no longer feel a sharp burn all the time.
That's the question I always end up asking about 5 months in, and the answer is always no. Relationships are a fun ride up until that point, but I find it's about 5 months in when the other half starts falling.. The sort of falling that could be disastrous to that person if I were allow it to continue, and were unable to return.

And with that mentality I know most attempted relationships are probably accursed.

I can manage long term relationships with people who are willing to not make commitments set in stone. For example, I was effectively in a relationship for one year two years back, and this was accomplished by not even mentioning the fact. I think I've ascertained I can't cope well with heavy Feelers. I like Thinkers who are in tune with their feelings, and can appreciate what it means to be two separate beings who can occasionally become one.
 

Lapis Lazuli

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Ride the dragon till it drops dead! Guidelines: be decent and look for consent! You will never find a good dragon until you kill a few evil one’s.
 

Jennywocky

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That's the question I always end up asking about 5 months in, and the answer is always no. Relationships are a fun ride up until that point, but I find it's about 5 months in when the other half starts falling.. The sort of falling that could be disastrous to that person if I were allow it to continue, and were unable to return.

Yeah. It really bites, you know. I mean, I've felt the same way -- I know my weaknesses and sometimes just don't even want to subject others to dealing with me, yet if I don't, I'm pretty much just choosing to be alone forever. I like my space, but I don't like living in a relational vacuum either with no exchange of ideas, nothing new [from outside "me"] interjecting into my world, etc. I think the SP variants can handle that, but not the SOs or SXs nearly as much.

I can manage long term relationships with people who are willing to not make commitments set in stone. For example, I was effectively in a relationship for one year two years back, and this was accomplished by not even mentioning the fact.

Of course unless you find someone like you, most people arent' willing to take that kind of risk... or they are only marginally committed and just move on when they feel the urge. It's good to acknowledge change, but some basic level of stability is nice so you're motivated to invest.

But maybe that's the problem. If there could just be a happy medium. I am very committed in regards to promises I make, even when I don't want to be. But if there could be commitment with a regularly opportunity to review direction and make sure everyone's still on the same page / course adjustments. It always seems to be having to choose between no stability versus people who hold on and are scared of change.

I think I've ascertained I can't cope well with heavy Feelers. I like Thinkers who are in tune with their feelings, and can appreciate what it means to be two separate beings who can occasionally become one.

For me, the heavy Feelers are too overwhelming, the heavy Thinkers can be too impersonal/cold as far as a connection goes. Looking for more of a middle group, and yes, people who retain their individuality but aren't scared of coming together. Damn SX/sp thing... it's the typical orbit of "too far away, come closer; but no, now it's too close, step back a bit".
 

Esurient Fere

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Brontosaurie said:
why must you have a longer relationship? if shorter flings is what comes naturally to you, nothing wrong about that.

Sorry, I missed your post during my last wall of text :) (I really need a shrug emoticon)
I recognize that I have emotional needs. Due to my life experiences I need someone I can trust implicitly (without trust we have nothing. This holds true across everything.) and can understand my emotions better than I do. As for being a longer relationship? It seems to be the best option to find what I'm looking for. There are other systems that may work but are impractical due to social constraints and just the way I am. I have been told by a few people that It would take a life time to understand me. So far I agree.

sinny91 said:
I don't know OP; but if you figure it out, please be sure to enlighten me.
If i figure something out I'll be sure to share. It seems unlikely that it would be soon or universally relevant.
My last two relationships lasted about a year, but to be honest they really ended three to five months in. My first relationship was basically physical (clearly defined as such.) and lasted longer but ultimately did much more harm than good. I don't recommend it.

Jennywocky said:
Where do you see yourself in five years? Or where do you hope to be?
Whew. You're just throwing around heavy sentences!
realistically I can only portend about two years into my future and, I suspect this is common, have an array of plans to take as things unfold. Primarily, I'm looking to get into petroleum engineering. I understand this will put almost everything else on the back burner. But the job should be challenging, a small tight knit social group, plenty of solitude and little pockets of time to work on writing. I'm planning to work three years to save up so I can take a year or two off to focus on writing. Maybe I'll actually get good at it.
This puts my love life into a place of stasis. If I can find someone who can handle that it would be ideal. Because if I do take off in writing it will be crazy hours and a lot of solitude. This seems unlikely though. I always have my education to fall back on when I start a family. (Which is something I'd like to do down the road. Actually the reason I got a degree. So I could support a family if I needed to.)
Ideally in five years I'll be living modestly and spending most of my time writing. whether I get there sitting on my gold from oil or working crappy part time jobs to eek by is mostly irrelevant.

Jennywocky said:
I still feel naive about many things. Patience, meh, no fun... but it sounds like you're aware of it, wanting to learn, and grappling with this head-on. So that's a good thing.
I know this will be a perpetual state for me. There is always something interesting to learn. So many things to discover and experience but only a few years. *sigh*

Lapis Lazuli, Suddenly the whole deltora series is running in my head :D
 

Sinny91

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Yeah. It really bites, you know. I mean, I've felt the same way -- I know my weaknesses and sometimes just don't even want to subject others to dealing with me

Haha, same here.

yet if I don't, I'm pretty much just choosing to be alone forever.

Then there's that..

I like my space, but I don't like living in a relational vacuum either with no exchange of ideas, nothing new [from outside "me"] interjecting into my world, etc. I think the SP variants can handle that, but not the SOs or SXs nearly as much.


Of course unless you find someone like you, most people arent' willing to take that kind of risk...

As I'm coming to learn.. :confused:

It's good to acknowledge change, but some basic level of stability is nice so you're motivated to invest.

they are only marginally committed and just move on when they feel the urge
.

And this is how that 1 year 'relationship' ended .. Apparently I missed the que for 'change'.

If there could just be a happy medium. I am very committed in regards to promises I make, even when I don't want to be. But if there could be commitment with a regularly opportunity to review direction and make sure everyone's still on the same page / course adjustments.

If only I could get all blokes to agree to that..

For me, the heavy Feelers are too overwhelming, the heavy Thinkers can be too impersonal/cold as far as a connection goes. Looking for more of a middle group, and yes, people who retain their individuality but aren't scared of coming together. Damn SX/sp thing... it's the typical orbit of "too far away, come closer; but no, now it's too close, step back a bit".

Damn right.
 

Sinny91

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I recognize that I have emotional needs. Due to my life experiences I need someone I can trust implicitly (without trust we have nothing. This holds true across everything.) and can understand my emotions better than I do.

Ditto.

I have been told by a few people that It would take a life time to understand me. So far I agree.

I realised a while back that from an outsiders point of view, (and none MBTI view), that that was true for me to. So these days I just tell people what makes me tick in the hopes of minimising misunderstanding. Some people just never listen tho.

My first relationship was basically physical (clearly defined as such.) and lasted longer but ultimately did much more harm than good. I don't recommend it.

That's the synopsis of the most recent relationship I left. I agree, it did cause more harm than good.

Whew. You're just throwing around heavy sentences!

lol

I know this will be a perpetual state for me.

So you've sealed your fate?

There is always something interesting to learn. So many things to discover and experience but only a few years. *sigh*

*Nods*
 

Lapis Lazuli

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[BIMG]http://orig06.deviantart.net/a78c/f/2014/110/8/1/dragon_3_by_vargasni-d7f8j8s.jpg[/BIMG]

I think I hear Berry White.:eek:
 
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Esurient Fere

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I realised a while back that from an outsiders point of view, (and none MBTI view), that that was true for me to. So these days I just tell people what makes me tick in the hopes of minimising misunderstanding. Some people just never listen tho.

This strikes a nerve. People who are unwilling to try immediately get "Da boot" as the locals say. Life is too short to be screwing around trying to convince someone that they should try.


So you've sealed your fate?
Let me clarify.
I recognize that the idea of finding a final resting place is absurd. It's "the Journey" (bleh). The contentment I find in the general state of my life is through growth. This means that the goal is to keep moving. In a sense I have sealed my fate but that is what striving for something is. In this case the goal is the striving which makes things convoluted.
This sentiment is not really applied to relationships in the sense of always moving on from people. It's applied with the idea that people are dynamic and changing. Everything is either growing or dying. I try to find people interested in growing so that they will fit into the idea leading to my contentment. Stagnation breeds malcontent and a lot of relationships move into that category. It can be tiring to always push forward so it takes a special kind of person.

http://katmichels.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/02/do-all-the-things1.jpg
 

Yellow

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Late teens to mid 20's is the age-range for experimenting and figuring out what you want, romantically. Eventually, you narrow down the partner(s) traits that matter most, and you become more targeted in your search. Unfortunately, if you have a high drive for sexual intimacy, you may not be as patient or choosy as you would prefer. Perhaps you could find people who are willing to be casual sexual partners while you look for a good long-term fit?
 

KevIntp

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All I can say is that if I had things to do over again, I would do them differently. I didn't have many relationships in my youth, partly because I found women terrifying and when I did get up the courage to approach them I was horribly awkward. So my number one recommendation would be to do as others have suggested and sample what's out there before committing.

Then there's the realization I came to later in life, which is that if I can't keep myself interested in any one subject, how am I supposed to maintain interest in a partner? The OP is experiencing this already, and to me it seems like a natural INTP behavior. I, unfortunately, made the mistake of staying in a long-term relationship long after I was bored, probably out of fear of not finding another one. Don't do this! For me, it resulted in having a family I wasn't prepared for (can anyone really be?) which then takes away the option of moving on when your relationship peters out.

Because of my INTPness, I now think I would have been better off if I had approached my life with the idea that there wouldn't be one lifelong partner for me. I would have been a happier person and a better partner in a handful of shorter relationships than I have been in one long one.

P.S. To clarify, by "shorter relationship" I don't mean months long. I mean several years as compared to decades, which is "long".
 

Esurient Fere

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Yellow said:
Late teens to mid 20's is the age-range for experimenting and figuring out what you want, romantically. Eventually, you narrow down the partner(s) traits that matter most, and you become more targeted in your search. Unfortunately, if you have a high drive for sexual intimacy, you may not be as patient or choosy as you would prefer. Perhaps you could find people who are willing to be casual sexual partners while you look for a good long-term fit?

I have thought of and attempted this. In my current rural area it doesn't really work out. I basically live in the middle of nowhere. However, I will be moving in July and the thought has crossed my mind.

KevIntp said:
Because of my INTPness, I now think I would have been better off if I had approached my life with the idea that there wouldn't be one lifelong partner for me. I would have been a happier person and a better partner in a handful of shorter relationships than I have been in one long one.

This sounds exhausting. It takes me some time to get to know someone to the level where I'm actually comfortable with. There's the initial investment where I'm excited about someone new (probably 2-4 months) and then there is a slow patch of sharing life together that let's me really get comfortable with someone (1 - 1.5 years.)


The thought has crossed my mind for both of these ideas. Maybe I should give them more thought. The idea of rebuilding over and over again isn't very appealing to me. As for going casual: I find the people that want to engage casually on a physical level can't really provide intellectually and end up being mostly boring. The people that are intellectually stimulating usually don't want to engage casually on a physical level. But this may be due to the small pool I'm currently stuck in.

My situation is changing from abstract to concrete. The problem is how to do right by both parties. Because I want to go ahead with it but can't really see if that's a good idea or not. This is where the tyranny comes from: the fact that I now what something from the other party usually corrupts the relationship. Friendships are easy and I think I can do them well. Once I want something then it's an issue.
 

JimJambones

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I've been married for over ten years and we have our little routine and its nice. I'm married to an ISTJ and anything I talk about seems to cause her eyes to glaze over. I spend a lot of time reading and researching and we do things together and with the kids and I love her. I guess I don't expect much except fairness and reciprocity in a relationship....and vagina....vagina must be included. She also must let me play with her boobies too. Boobies are fun.

Talking about emotion is difficult to do and dealing with an emotional situation is likely to make me a deer in the headlights, but I always try to solve the problem at hand. We rarely fight, mostly because I tend to be non-confrontational. There are problems that I have difficulty bringing up because they are tied to an emotional part of my brain and I would rather not go there. Once in a while, I have some pent up emotions that burst out. This never happens in public or at work, just at home with people I know really well and feel comfortable around.

Sometimes I wish we could talk abstractions together, but I guess that is what online is for.

Emotions suck, but they're part of being human.
 
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