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- Today 4:27 AM
- Sep 25, 2008
Can somebody shed some light on this:
It's very normal for me to share my thoughts & feelings with my INTP husband and him have no response. It usually happens via text or email. It used to really upset me when I open my heart and become vulnerable to only feel totally disregarded. In latter years, I've mostly come to accept it and I usually don't expect a response when I'm sharing anything emotional or relationship related. I'd still like a response of course, but it's just the way things are.
Can anyone tell me what might be going on in his INTP head? As an ESFJ, if I ignored somebody, it would likely be because A) what they were saying was annoying the crap out of me, or B) I was already upset with them.
Just a few ideas:
1. We're informatives, so a lot of the time it's easy to view exchanges as "information sharing". You are sharing what you are feeling, he is storing the information. It doesn't mean he is not listening necessarily or doesn't care, it's just our normal instinctive mode is to "gather information" rather than to look to take an action of some kind on it. Typically one does pick up the concept of "acknowledging a comment" at least, by mid-life, even if one has no other input, though, and that seems a fair expectation -- to at least expect an "I hear you" handshake of some kind just so you know he consciously heard/read you.
2. Emotions can be confusing and/or uncomfortable, especially if expressed in a strong/dramatic way. Everyone's emotions are different, so it's hard to discern the "rules" on how to engage them. Hence, silence.
3. Not wanting to step on your toes by saying the wrong thing / hurting you further. Or viewing it maybe as you wanting to vent, versus wanting acknowledgement or advice from him. Have you ever had incidents early in the marriage (or has he been a witness to incidents between his parents or other couples) where one person just wanted to vent and the other tried to tell them what to do or was cutting them off?
Those are some of the more positive reasons for him to abstain. There are negative reasons but you can probably figure those kinds of things out. I'm just noting it's not uncommon for INTPs to be put off by strong displays of emotion and/or not know how to respond to them -- it's not instinctive in knowing how to deal, it's something we have to learn through lots of experience to a point where we feel comfortable engaging.
Does he ever express any frustrations to you in return? Probably not from what I can gather, it's not a mode he operates naturally in.
There could also be a generational gender role difference in play too, depending on age.
I don't think it's unreasonable to expect at least an acknowledgement, though -- just to say, "I heard you, and I'm sorry this situation has been upsetting you." That's an easy to utter boilerplate even if he doesn't know how to engage, for someone he is married to... if he is trying to keep things going.
I'm going to have to go back and read your original post about the marriage issues, though, to have a better grasp. I am just picking up at the end of the thread here. Skimming it, it looks like he has felt hurt by you as well from the past, so... it becomes necessary to tease out where the friction points are and the failed expectations.