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Moving on v. Acceptance

BurnedOut

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Here, by moving on, I mean that simply moving on without the requisite emotional acceptance required. Accepting on the other hand is beyond moving on and, here it implies a legitimate process wherein the person peruses her actions and emotionally process the entire thing.

However, I am not going to delve any further into that because it will simply stating the obvious knowledge.



There are two things that are considered in the mainstream to bog a person down by binding her to a particular object or a person or an incident: Love and hatred and all the variants of its kind.

However, it is unusual to also note that the solution touted is to simply 'stop' loving or hating and I find that implausible in reality because one cannot solve a problem by eliminating it. It is a logical fallacy.

I believe that we should take a look at the object relations theory and try to understand that attachments form out of perceived causality and the subsequent heuristic of familiarity it entrenches in the mind. In other words, disliking something also requires a relationship, albeit an unhealthy and opposing one but as long as it warrants some kind of uni or bidirectional perception, it will always cause her to hold the object as 'familiar' no matter what.

This ends up reinforcing the memory over and over again and despite the old adage of memory being fickle to the march of time keeps failing because she remembers the exact details for years and years.

Therefore, in relation to this, moving on is simply maintaining cognitive distance that does not quite have a relationship with emotional distancing. In other words, you can outrun time if you don't voluntarily decay memories. Therefore, time does not necessarily lead to maturity or acceptance.



Some of my personal experiences have caused to discover that even grief is a form of potent attachment. I say grief and not guilt or sadness because grief involves a feeling of unilateral loss that is felt in the absence of an object. It does not necessarily include guilt or shame and it is not sadness either because it is a feeling of longing. Thankfully grief is a good thing because it can help in facilitating change.

I have not seen much consensus anywhere about the importance of grief and how frequently it is felt by people. Many of us are baffled when sadness continues without guilt or shame after 'moving on'.

We try to always work on personalized emotions such as anxiety, sadness, anger but we don't usually work on holistic emotions such as grief and that lends a poor situational awareness.

Grief is special because it can be quite objective by nature by its virtue of being firmly dependent on extant circumstances than ones that exist in memory. In simple words, you cannot repeatedly grieve over an incident that is already resolved. But we should not forget that any unresolved matter also calls for grief. After the resolution, grief goes away and there is a feeling of liberation from the object but also residual sadness caused by the emotional acknowledgement of its perduring departure
 

Cognisant

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Sounds like someone died, someone you had a complicated relationship with.

I find it helps to remember that everyone has their own problems, their own circumstances, which is not to say I'm unconditionally forgiving rather that shit happens and it's to be expected.

There can be no anger without expectations, you may never forgive someone for what they've done to you but if you can adjust your expectations you can stop hating them for it.

You don't need to forgive or forget to accept.
 

Animekitty

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Grief is special because it can be quite objective by nature by its virtue of being firmly dependent on extant circumstances than ones that exist in memory. In simple words, you cannot repeatedly grieve over an incident that is already resolved. But we should not forget that any unresolved matter also calls for grief. After the resolution, grief goes away and there is a feeling of liberation from the object but also residual sadness caused by the emotional acknowledgement of its perduring departure

That sounds like a method to also resolve trauma?
 

BurnedOut

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@Animekitty It forms the essence of healing because it helps you consider other perspectives and in many cases empathize without many biases. It is one of the rare emotions that respects time in its perception. However, I make it clear that grief happens only once and if it keeps happening, it is guilt or anger or some other emotion which is intrapersonal
 

onesteptwostep

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Is this about a girl? It doesn't seem like it's about death. I could be wrong.

If it's about a death, I think time would wash anyway any type of grief. Life provides life, but it also inevitably provides death as well. If there is grief, there is the well known 5 stages of grief. One cannot grief over something which has passed on forever.

However, if it's about a girl, most cases both you and the girl have issues that needs to be worked out before a relationship can bloom. Girls are fickle and so are guys. From personal experience, I'm being vulnerable here, girls tend to try and be headstrong. It's the same with guys really.

I blame pop culture, but whatever, lol.

Personally I don't think one can rationalize your way into healing. The mind doesn't work like that. It takes time.. the thing that breaks the spell usually comes from outside your mental periphery, and comes to you as an epiphany.
 

BurnedOut

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@onesteptwostep Hahahahahaha, I am loving how this thread is being taken as more of a rant than a genuine psychological concept that I an trying to bring up.

But since you all are smartasses, I would not deny that I did suffer a loss before I wrote this. But don't forget, it is justpsychology
 

onesteptwostep

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Well, trying to rationalize the process when you're under emotional duress is usually not a good coping mechanism, but more of an emotional defense mechanism to rationalize why you went through that event. It would be emotionally wiser to let the healing process happen rather than circumvent the issue with conceptualizing, and compartmentalization.

Reflection is usually best then when sober. Moreover, when sober, such reflections usually don't happen because they don't become the immediate issue at hand.

Take an edge off, have a beer. People who write about sorrow or the hardships of life usually have overcome them and see them from a birds eye view, after they have overcome them and are in a better place.

C.S. Lewis's writing on the subject, A Greif Observed, is a good example.
 

Animekitty

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How does one become aware of one's attachment to properly grieve them?
 

Cognisant

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That's right BurnedOut have a beer and tell us all about the girl that broke your heart, what did she look like? What did you like about her?

:D
 

BurnedOut

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@Cognisant Just like how Xanthippe made Socrates a better philosopher

You assholes.
 
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