Letting Go of the pain

[fluffy]

I was listening to a video on meditation.

It seems that I don't have enough willpower.

My mind wonders allot.

I am not grounded in the body and self awareness.

So I tried to grab onto something inside myself.

That is to inhibit my actions and gain some self control.

Yet it is painful to do nothing and be aware.

I have to make sure my energy doesn't move me.

I also have to move in a relaxed way and breathe.

I am trying to learn how to cry or at least feel the pain to release the pain. Not sure if I am doing it right.

I just need to stop being so stiff.

I feel like going into a little ball.

What I need to do is squeeze really tightly my emotions. Grasp them and not let go until the pain is gone.

In the body pain is stored and it needs to be squeezed out. You can only do this by having a firm belief in yourself. That you have the power to be strong. Feeling weak you cannot move. You must force it out and do what you need to do to be stronger than what caused the pain. Nothing was wrong with you. You just had less power back then and now you can make yourself be bigger than your were before. Anything you want to do, just hold it in you and get it out.

 

[fluffy]

I don't think there is anyone I can reliability get help from.

There is just no one.

It might be that way so I might need to as I've been told, regulate my emotions better.

It's not just about getting what I need. I cannot make people understand me that I have only so much patience. It's best to say nothing at all. Walking on egg shells.

 

[fluffy]

I think things have turned around for me.

I stopped fighting people in my head.

I was wrong about thinking people can change, some people just dislike me.

But it is hard to let go of the reasons.

Most things I disagree on is just them disagreeing because they hate me. I cannot do anything about that. They are not going to change there minds.

Since I can't do anything about it I feel that maybe I shouldn't care but behind this is a feeling of rejection and this past pain.

People want to be accepted on the most part. Yet when they look for it, it is hard to find and they accumulate bad behaviors and habits.

My ability to stay calm and patient and rational has limits. But it's I avoid pain just like anyone else. My way of doing it so happen to be ignoring others dislike of me and allowing it to happen because I don't have any way of stopping it. I get blamed for standing up for myself. I feel defeated.

I don't mind much that this has happened, I really just don't want to feel bad. I feel bad when I share things that people blame me for sharing anyway. I guess I need to be more careful.

A few hours ago I had a bad headache. I remembered that maybe I didn't need aspirin and just watching it it went away. The body can naturally generate pain relief on mild pain as long as you can relax and not judge. I haven't thought about this but I distract myself allot. If I allow myself to feel sad I get better. Yet this happens when I am not feeling extremely helpless.

I need to be safe so being vulnerable is forced out of consciousness. It's really hard to not be busy all the time. So when energy happens like the headache this time was different. Somehow it went away without medicine. I need to pay more attention to control of my energy. Because the body is stuck in different places it needs to move or not move in different ways. Inhibitory control to stop myself from cramping up inside. To help with self awareness.

 

[fluffy]

I feel safer.

Without safety you can't feel things.

The nervous system restriction is embedded in you.

If you feel something might hurt you then this restriction is paralyzing.

I stopped being afraid and crouched.

I breathed a long time.

I listened to soft sounds.

I paid attention to my body.

People treated me well today and I had no major problems.

I held back and was non reactive.

Things are fine right now.

Sleep feels good.

Not worried.

I still have feelings that I must express but it's ok now that I am allowed to. There is nothing wrong with expressing them.