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Learning Disability

Animekitty

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I took an IQ test and got

Perceptual reasoning 127
Verble reasoning 120
Working memory 95
Processing speed 89

Highest to lowest is a discrepancy of 38 points. 38 points constitute a severe learning disability.

The reason for such discrepancies is my vision. I have what is called "visual field neglect". A pathway is damaged so I have trouble in my upper right field of view. I cannot control my eyes properly so look down a lot never to the upper right.

I suspect the ventral side of my brain is damaged as perceptual reasoning is based on the Doral channel yet is fine.

I can feel the activity around the damaged pathway. It actively blocks my thinking process. I cannot manipulate my thoughts internally. I can manipulate external data but can't generate from within. This mostly comes from what the ventral stream does which is objects. I cannot manipulate objects in my head coming from inside it. I cannot makeup or draw objects.

My brain feels stuck and I am not sure what to do about it.
 

ZenRaiden

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You sure you do not want to see an actual doctor and ask him something or talk to him.
Its the brain and there are like million things that could be wrong with it.
You do not want some internet stranger to tell you to smoke pot or something.
 

Animekitty

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A theory of schizophrenic hallucinations is that dopamine concentrations are too high. Hallucinations are liquid plastic consistency. That means there is no friction to them. It is a hyper-real experience. It is the flow state for visualization. I experienced this last night in a dream. I was in a dream bed listening to my inner music. The music was crystal clear and loader than any music I have heard before echoing between my ears. It was very crisp. Another time in a dream my orange chakra opened up. The colors and crystal structure were so real. No fuzziness at all. Shere complexity.

What I have in thinking is the opposite of a flow state. There are two reasons I think. First is that because I can't introspect that I have trouble manipulating thought objects. I cannot see my thought objects, therefore, manipulating them is a problem. Second is getting thought objects in and out of long term memory to connect them. this would be the flow state for thought. The bandwidth between longterm and short term memories.

When I was in my manic state I was connecting ideas left and right. Flow state was so high I drew so many papers on all sorts of structures and subjects. Currently, I look at my notebook and pen and nothing happens. It would happen automatically but that was in mania. I also had an overactive imagination at the time. Movies freaked me out several times because they correlated with the theories I was having. Everything happened so fast, I was doing so much creative work. Now it's all a thud.
 

sushi

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It Is best not to focus and dwell on your weakness if there is not much you can do to change it. just keep moving forward.
 

ZenRaiden

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A theory of schizophrenic hallucinations is that dopamine concentrations are too high. Hallucinations are liquid plastic consistency. That means there is no friction to them. It is a hyper-real experience. It is the flow state for visualization. I experienced this last night in a dream. I was in a dream bed listening to my inner music. The music was crystal clear and loader than any music I have heard before echoing between my ears. It was very crisp. Another time in a dream my orange chakra opened up. The colors and crystal structure were so real. No fuzziness at all. Shere complexity.

What I have in thinking is the opposite of a flow state. There are two reasons I think. First is that because I can't introspect that I have trouble manipulating thought objects. I cannot see my thought objects, therefore, manipulating them is a problem. Second is getting thought objects in and out of long term memory to connect them. this would be the flow state for thought. The bandwidth between longterm and short term memories.

When I was in my manic state I was connecting ideas left and right. Flow state was so high I drew so many papers on all sorts of structures and subjects. Currently, I look at my notebook and pen and nothing happens. It would happen automatically but that was in mania. I also had an overactive imagination at the time. Movies freaked me out several times because they correlated with the theories I was having. Everything happened so fast, I was doing so much creative work. Now it's all a thud.

I agree with Sushi. All the post you make are about how you feel inadequate or inferior or somehow damaged. I get that it is no fun to have these kinds of problems, but focusing on the problems and talking about them round and round does not make them go away. Maybe seek help from someone who can give you actual functional advice. Someone who understands your condition.
On factual note you are wasting time and effort to resolve something while completely ignoring your own real potential which would at least get you somewhere. You are robbing yourself if you keep dwelling on this day by day.
 

EndogenousRebel

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I've only ever have had inner music while on pot. Made me want to write music.

I agree with others in the thread. Though, as you are American, you're shit out of luck unless you can shell out cash or can convince insurance companies to cover treatment (good luck.) Maybe if you tell them this could reduce your coverage? At least a couple consultations with people that aren't interested in pumping you full of drugs indefinitely should be helpful.

I also have been diagnosed with your condition. Youre older than me, so I don't like assuming I can help you, but if trying to help you makes me look like an ass instead of helping you, sue me. Certain antipsychotics over a long periods of time is weight-fully associated with early death and further dependence on antispychotics. They should be considered stabilizers, not a daily calibration. I feel like my circumstance is somewhat unique and fortuitous considering how low my dosage has always been and my quality of life recovery, I almost forget that my life basically stopped for 2 years now. But this is probably not the case as the previously referenced article cites, most people that do get better went through cognitive behavior therapy. I did not know this till a little bit over a year ago, since which is when I really began to feel like myself again; basically anytime I 'felt a symptom' I would 'apply' the concept of exposure/behavior therapy; which is basically just the expectation that exposure to certain stimuli will cause a positive change over time. It was a grueling task at first, i had to consciously think about it, and I was practicing it by myself at all hours of the day. I refuse to give the monthly 3 minute appointments with my psychiatrist any credit. Today, I just feel the faintest symptom and it's almost an involuntary tick where I'll tell my self "behavior therapy" almost like I'm scolding my neurons and they're actually listening. It requires a certain level of sharpness, and consistency, but it's just a shitty part of life that use to be shittier, so I won't complain.

Concerning the IQ test, assuming it's legit. You're not a dumbass no matter what you tell yourself. 1. You score above average in 2 parts, which are most important YOUR ABILITY TO REASON, UNDERSTAND! 2. The other two are only slightly below, balancing in your favor, and are easily remedied with extra time, something modern humans are plentiful with 3. IQ, though not completely arbitrary: is not a replacement for what really matters to succeed, KNOWLEDGE and WORK. Can't get food if you don't know where it is, and can't go where it is if you don't work towards it, that simple. If working memory and speed really do bother you, whether your insecure or in a competitive environment, the solution is simple: practice. I also stuggle with these things two things, because neuronal destruction and rewiring is a bitch. I also don't know what to practice, but I've been research and found a generalist list cognitive tasks that have broken down very neatly.

1596980239760.png

It was designed for information processing and manipulation... And kids, but thats another plus if you ask me. I plan on using it as a guideline and to treat my deficits. I don't know I kinda just shat shit post out and it took me an hour to finish. But if it helped you it would've been worth it. lmao.
 

Animekitty

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I am not sad or anything that I have my conditions. I am just trying to figure things out. They have a real affect on me daily. Like chronic pain but less severe. If I was complaining I'd be clear in what is wrong and depressed for those reasons. But if you have ever had a headache before you would know that you don't care about the pain, you care about the persistent problem of not being able to go through daily life normally. All mental issues are about being unable to live normally. That is why I am trying to figure out what is wrong. To be normal. But first, I must identify the problems.

So far I got this:

hallucinatory moments
mania
depression, tiredness
agitation nervousness anxiety
problems thinking

That is as clear as I have ever been on what is wrong.
Each problem may have its own solution so must be broken down further.

Depression and mania is a bipolar issue.
Hallucinations come with mania.
Mania increases my thinking abilities.
Depression decreases it and I am severely bored and tired.
The inability to think reinforces my depression.
Things feel better without anxiety and tiredness, I am stable then and can function.

I can function when I am stable, I am stable when I am not anxious or tired.
The inability to think makes me anxious, tiredness is a result of too much energy being spent on anxiety.

These are just descriptions, not complaints. I am just trying to understand the connections, the causal links. That is why I put things out there like the connection between long and short term memory might be broken and how mania could affect this. Everything is interlinked and I am just trying to understand why?
 

Animekitty

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Processing Speed Index (89)

To do with my ability to utilize vision.
Scan and target/recognize.

I notice that in the grocery store I just stare at the shelf. It takes me ten times longer to find anything than my sister. I am just visually slow.
 

EndogenousRebel

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Do you know your processing speed before the onset of your illness?

I believe that in my delirious experience my "RAM" was shot to hell consciously and unconsciously. Being disconnected from reality and assuming one full of deepest fantasies and nightmares with limitless imagination I think has that effect. Though your ego might not be aware of it you could still be filtering through the noise until you suddenly click what your supposed to be doing.

I recently looked into Jungian complexes ('Jung to live by' on YouTube is really rich with this though has incredibly long videos) and over the course of a vacation I think working though them lowered my resting heartrate. I feel so much more clearer and less stressed. I'm waiting to see if this will sustain itself, but yeah it's something that's brought great relief.
 

Animekitty

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I remember being stressed in high school but less constrained. Now I just feel collapsed. Unable to hold thought. I do not see/hear thought it is abstract. I have this idea to use feedback to modulate the collapse of the wave function in an a.i. model. But I do not know how to show the details. Write/flesh them out. I know it is an unfoldment but I do not know the math and I did not know what it is I wanted to do until now. Putting it together makes too many ideas and I get stuck.

I know a person online with an IQ of 135 is able to code in java as fast as 120 wpm. They think so fast that they can think what they want and produce it in code at the same time. So if they were doing a videogame they would not need to plan the game they would just code.

It takes me effort to think. Because I cannot put it all together at the same time. Everything just seems random/too complex in my head. Its overload.
 

EndogenousRebel

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Isn't WPM in coding a marketing/sales tactic for coders to use? I know it is for copywriters. Sure it matters, but aside from stenographers, transcribers and people of the like not to much. Stephen Hawking wrote 15 words a minute but made large contributions to science. People that are proficiently capable do exist, but it's because they have gone through hundreds, if not hundreds of thousands of repetitions and have honed in on what works for them.

I feel as though media and culture in general misrepresents a lot of things about life. That is just common sense, but I think we fail to realize the extent of it, particularly with things that we are enchanted about. Don't take my words at face value, but there is some sort of idea that we are entitled to uphold and live out what the media shows us. People usually only think about it in terms of unattainable body's that men and women compare themselves too but it applies to so many other things. Like intelligence. What games are they coding? Snake? Tetris? Surely not a commercially viable product. Time does not = quality. In fact in business time and quality are often a direct trade off with price.

The hero's journey, or really any time someone tells a story for an audience, is so widely known to be designed to be engaging, that they have a certain rhythm to them that makes us engage with them. But maybe we aren't in a "story circle" We aren't going to heal our deep wounds in 20 minutes to 2 and a half hours, and our campaign won't be so coherently structured and you won't succeed simply due to force of will. We have to be honest with ourselves and practice awareness, and remember that change is possible.
 

Animekitty

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I experienced slight emotional trauma 2 days ago followed by physical pain akes. I am a little slower but clear-headed. It was all on the right side of my brain. Now it is not as concentrated as before. It was where I had the burning sensations.

I had a mental block. still do. emotionally it's better.
 

Animekitty

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I think that if you have been inhibiting yourself intensely it is like a weight on one side. So when you have a temptation and you fear it but you freeze. Then to go into it the fear burns. Not running away the inhibition of freeze, burns. Resisting fear burns. Until fear goes away or inhibition stops. Serotonin deep drain. But after the fear is gone. It lets up. It can flow again. The block/weight is gone. water on fire. unstuck.
 
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