Issues Regarding a lifetime of Contentment of Suppression.

[Nebulantis]

Me, ISTJ: Logician INTP-T / Analyst. Mach 4 87%.

My identity still mystifies me to this very day, i am about to turn 37 and my head is jumping through hoops while my mind and body sit perfectly still and observes it back flipping like Bruce Lee.

When i was 17 i decided to suppress something that i should have embraced. I was a stupid teenager and clueless about how to even go about what i wanted to do. For 17 years now i have suppressed all of my transgender issues down to nothing but a whisper. I am pretty turbulent when it comes to external stimulus, when i have a job to do that equates progress i procrastinate like no other, and i just barely get it done in time. but i get it done, and sometimes surprise myself on how well i can get things done.

For the most part, i just cannot bring myself to admit to myself that i need help with anything, and that everything is fine. Any time i see a vulnerability in myself i run from it and distract myself with anything i can find, this however is mostly something unproductive and equates to nothing tangible, If Only.

I have always been INTP, and very turbulent. I one day decided to take a Mach 4 test and the result of it just simmered there in my head, all i did was observe and nothing happened. at first i thought i was special in the sense that "That's kinda high, hum that's cool." however now i know that an 87% is just numbers. Hopefully. Being ISTJ, my logical mind is always there at every waking moment. When i turned 35 i think something somewhere in my brain decided to turn off, after looking through the draws up in there i found that one labelled Suppressed, and i honestly cant say that it scared me in any way.

I managed to run and hide from my gender issues for almost two decades, now i have this itch that feels like its crawling in my head. I never thought in all that time to reflect on anything relating to these issues. It was a complete block that my traits helped me block, i think it was that way at least. The result of suppressing these gender issues was typical, most of my emotions just remain blanketed even now. whether that is the control i have over them or the after effect, i don't know. I have nothing to be proud of, i feel useless now more than ever. The depression that comes with this has reduced my energy so much i have accomplished nothing for at least a year and a half now. Even my daily habits seam pointless.

I also feel pretty much lifeless, but its more than that, or do i word it as less than that. I feel numb, which is pretty common i know that. But now i have this extra bit of gnawing that i did not have before during that period of suppression.

Its not like my INTP traits give me anything to cling onto. I flutter around hobbies like a snapping turtle.

If i could choose what to do now, i would want my control back before i end up losing my logical mind and coming out to my family. Which is where the Duality is right now being fought in my mind. My dreams have shifted from pretty tame adventure dreams to being female and doing stupid things like being in castles and getting ready in a white dress. it pisses me off even writing that, and reads like something a child would write.

What i need and what i want is shifting over time, and the more time passes, as usual, the more i find it acceptable, ney irrefutable is that i must transition. And the very thought of it excites and scared the hell out of me, because i dont want to transition. I was content with how i was, i want the contentment back. I always predict what people will say in response, and to them it makes sense, that i need to deal with it and live my life the way i want, which is exactly what i was doing before.

They would say that i need therapy, I tried that, and the therapist told me that the only thing that could progress me would be a transition. Stating that any further attempts at suppression would further progress the depression. Damaging or not i find the thought going back to that control very appealing.

This dilemma of past control and my future uncertainty is driving me to what i call subtle delusions. Of myself trying to rationalize why i should just start feminizing. I feel like my logical brain is in contrast to my developing mania. A mania that has invaded my meditation, my personality and my productivity. I really need input from other people about the issue surrounding my sittuation. I seek a discussion on the matter and welcome any suggestions that anyone may have.

 

[Black Rose]

It is important to feel female deep down first. If you start with being ok with yourself on the inside it will make you confident in your own feminity. The phrase "I am female" will feel right. Repeat it several times in your head. Being numb to your core female being must be dealt with before any transition. The reason it is important is that you want to be happy. Yo need to generate this happiness inside. Your identity as a female is about how you feel first off. If you feel it on the inside this will amplify a healthy transition.

I do not really identify with male nor female. But the most online I have been seen as is female INTJ. I think of this when I write and think of Anime characters I would like to be that represent this. I am more feminine than male in my emotions so that is how I identify by thinking what is felt on the inside.

It is hard to tell what is male and female accept for inside and outside. To me, it is all emotional because some biological females naturally look mal and some biological males naturally look female. I would not mind having a female body but I just do not feel that strongly about it. I'd rather be just be accepted as female and I can do that in virtual reality with a female avatar. I need money to do that but it is cheaper and faster than transitioning. And I would look better like Anime characters I like.

 

[Nebulantis]

My interests with transitioning are at odds with my need to return to the suppression mindset. The sooner i can create distance between the duality of "transition" and "suppress" both fighting for dominance, the sooner i can start working on moving past it.

My focus right now is to start a discussion on both sides of the argument, and to hear a dialogue that contradicts my ideas of self control in regards to trying to trigger either a new dynamic in my head or a return to something i can balance through a return to meditation and self regulation.

In regards to seeing myself as certain characters with female physical traits, i dont do that but rather see myself when i visualize as more psychologically stable and independent just while being female. the only thing i change in regards to things i cannot change is my age. Because i am 37 soon i often feel as if i have missed my chance to do any transition of any type. This is one of the reasons i wish to forget about the transitioning and regain my control over the duality in my head.

Right now, i can see i am having issues related to it and i acknowledge i have a deep issue, by all means a problem of my own making.

The options on my table as i see it myself before talking to anyone about it are.
1 - Start somewhat of a transition.
2 - Try and return to a control state.
3 - Let a third option emerge from internalized retrospect and help.

Thank you for your post, i still would like to hear from others regarding the issue.

 

[Deleted member 1424]

The Wachowski sisters were in their 40s iirc when they transitioned. It's reasonably common for transitions to occur later in life. Many nonstandard people take a long time to figure out who they are and to reach a place where they can fully realize themselves. I highly recommend you follow some individuals who have/are transitioned/ing. Learn about what to expect from the process. There is a lot of documentation for such things out there. You might find inspiration.

You could get involved in a community that might have more down to earth human resources to help clarify things for you. You don't have to make a decision right away either. You can do this all at your own pace. There's no rush and there's no sense not exploring your options. You get to choose. You may not be in your 'ideal' place right now, that doesn't mean you can't choose to move toward a new reality for yourself. Fear is the enemy here. Do not presume failure because you feel it.

For now at least, just let yourself think about it to the fullest extent you can muster.

 

[Nebulantis]

This disconnect i have with my family has been intentionally designed by me to separate me from any emotional recognition or personal intention when it comes to their perspective of me. I hide myself from them both mentally and physically, and shrink away from them with something that seams like intense shame and low self image. The shame of my gender has been there from a long while back, since i was in school. the low self hatred started after 35.

I was in a state of constant inward observation and maintain a still and controlled manner that used to be unwavering, but because of the recent shift, i find that stillness has devolved into two apposing tides. each side having there own self traits and me in the middle, just wanting to get on my ship i built when i was 17 and set course for calm seas.

However as i said, and as usual the more time passes the more i find myself just getting more and more panicky. I lie in bed and feel like i am a thought away from a nervous breakdown. Which is not even close as to what i was like just two years ago. I was active physically and mentally energised with work and hobbies. Now its all just getting through the day.

I have become less of a coherant thinker and more of a delusional idiot. I used to be calculated and observant, all i needed to succeed was patience and time. now i just waste days on end trying to figure out what middle ground i can come out of this on. If there is a middle ground.

Which is in the end what i wish to discuss.

 

[Cognisant]

So what do you feel is wrong or missing or <insert word here>?

Sorry if I come across as insensitive, I have very little in the way of a frame of reference for gender dysphoria. I've had dreams in which I was female, not much was different rather it was like reading a book from the perspective of a female protagonist only that at the time I didn't realize I was playing a role in a story. I've also had dreams in which I was much like my avatar, having motors instead of muscles which was interesting and even a bit reassuring but I didn't wake up feeling that my body wasn't mine, just inferior to what I envisioned.

Speaking of which it would be interesting to hear you contrast/compare your experiences with say having a VR chat avatar, I mean if you have a female avatar would that reassure you or make you feel worse or not make much difference?

I have a vested interest in this, for some time now I've been working on a semi-humanoid telepresence robot that finances allowing I'll be selling soon and it seems to me a real world avatar that can be customized to the owner's preference would be appealing to people with gender dysphoria, but again I don't know this.

I like to think that a world like in the movie "Ghost in the Shell" where people could change bodies as easily as changing clothes would be the ideal solution for gender dysphoria, of course we're still far from that. Unfortunately undergoing any current day surgery or hormonal treatment will be detrimental to your health, maybe a worthwhile risk if the alternative is depression and self destructive behavior, but still it's worth exploring all less drastic options first.

e.g.
Writing fiction from a female perspective
Roleplaying female characters
Wearing effeminate clothes
Having a VR avatar

Are you gay, have you reached out to the gay community?
It's easy to get confused between what you want and what you think you need, perhaps finding someone who accepts you as you are will help you accept yourself as you are?
Pure speculation, I really don't know what you're dealing with.

 

[Nebulantis]

In reference of the dreams, my subconscious seams to make me want to suffer when i dream. when i dream of being female, while dreaming i remember euphoria of a sort and actually feeling content and more than just happy. When this happens the dream becomes more vivid and lucid, because if i try to steer lucidity the dream ends i let the dream drive itself and let the moment go on. they are not frequent but they happen from time to time, and it creates a great chasm of difference between my dream self and my day to day self. I am not offended by anything you had to say.

I have a HTC Vive original, and i am intrigued by your business experiment and find it very, intriguing. the thought has occurred to me in the past of a visual link up with another persons perspective to your own senses via VR, the other person being female.

the idea of yours for a telepresence robot has peeked my interest. would the emi humanoid be a 1/1 scale, i can see it being scaled down, but still be adequate as a valid experiment.

In regards to transitioning and health. I cant count the times i have researched how many side effects that hormones has on the body. i can tell you first hand that even damaging, that transitioning would still be on my mind. I have read many times that it does not cure Dysphoria but eases it. Even then there are good and bad days.

However even i can say without a doubt, if there was any other way i would pursue it, i would without hesitation. one of the reasons i chose to not transition at 17 was because of the health concerns.i knew then that my inherited conditions would geti n the way.

These health issues are yet another reason i do not think i can fully transition even if i wanted to. The hormonal, Thyroidal and blood pressure and flow issues, not to mention fibromyalgia my siblings have are all present and worsening as i age.

 

[Black Rose]

I think that emotionally you rejecting yourself is a symptom of family rejection. You are hiding from them and the uncertainty of what they think. I could be wrong but you should look into all the reasons for your current suppression and work on them.

 

[Nebulantis]

Specifically my mothers judgemental attitude on all things LGBT. Her and my brothers language when talking about it is, "None of this stuff was around back in my day." and "Its all the new chemicals in the water."

Its this attitude that was one of the reasons i chose to suppress at 17. My mothers very sharp looks that pierced into my soul at a young age when i dropped my practiced mask would bring me back to reality with a thud. It is the very look that i think made the shame start, and it started to to compile a complex, that i think still exists.

I have been Bi for a long while, and that has never been an issue. But i have not even mentioned that to my family either.

 

[Black Rose]

The lingering effect of suppression is the feeling of a nervous breakdown at night coming on. What is the source of this? You want to have a better meditation again so what could that be?

 

[Nebulantis]

I have for a while been meditating every morning, as i do not get refreshing sleep anymore. This meditation serves me tto regain energy and also to lower my nerves. It works some times these days, to a lesser degree.

The source of it, i am pretty sure from my perspective is the very mental energy i am spending trying to maintain my method of control. I would welcome any other perspectives, that you may have.

Please do not be afraid to use any language that you may want to. i know what i did was very detrimental, stupid and the very opposite of brave.

 

[Black Rose]

Maintaining control might be the problem. You may have issues you need to just let go off. Your afraid something will happen. That once you lose composure you will remain in a chaotic perhaps manic state. Your afraid you may do something stupid like tell your parents. That is why you can't get rest. You want to be who you are but are afraid to go all the way or at least you are afraid of the loss of Total control. Somehow you need to tell yourself you will not lose control totally. You need to be yourself to find relief. One step at a time. You may want to discuss this with a therapist. What exactly do you like/enjoy about being a girl?

 

[Nebulantis]

The idea of not being able to regain control after a burst of expression makes me nervous. However the thought of what would come after this somewhat makes me feel that progress would be made. The hurdle of getting over it would somewhat be off of my shoulders and my initial reveal would be over.

I have always predicted a mass of shame would follow, judging and hatred from my mother. The chaos of living with eyes on me, something i have never liked is people staring at me, looking at me.

Internal chaos is, something i do not know how to avoid eventually. I am now more than ever, willing to let a new personality emerge from the remains of my messed up head.

Inadvertently i have fantasized about something similar happening, and developing MPD and just letting the new personality take over.

I know i am stating things that contradict each other, Wanting o move on to a new personality, wanting to return to the old control. In my head they go together hand in hand with theoptions i think i would have. Moving on with a new personality with coming out and being happy with a middle ground. to regaining control either with a psychotic break and MPD and going completely Numb and returning to the old me. Both are attractive to me at this point.