Introduction of total uncertainty.

[brajenful]

Hi everyone!
I would like to introduce myself, hoping that I found the right place. I also want to tell you a little bit of my story, because I have a feeling of uncertainty about my whole personality, and its changes. So let's get started.
I'm currently 16 years old. I grew up in a rural area, far from the city. Since I was living in a small village in the outskirts of the city, I had much more obligations than I would have had if I lived in the city. I had to do basic chores, and since my mom thought it would be a good idea to have all kinds of animals, I had to look out for them, and that was pretty time consuming. It hasn't changed since then, but now I find myself in kind of a tough spot, because of the changes in my lifestyle and my personality overall. It started about a month ago. You know, I like anime, it's one of the things that help me ignore the outside world and all of its difficulties. Since - as I said - I grew up in a rural area, my personality was shaped by my surroundings. But one day, I found an anime named Hyouka. I don't wanna talk about it too much, because that's not the point. The point is that the protagonist of this anime helped me realize that I'm not satisfied with my current personality. I wanted to be more like him (I know, this is kind of stupid), the way he thought about the whole world and basically everything around him, seemed to apply for me. Basically I wanted to be him, I thought his life was the most perfect life I could ever imagine. I realized that I always wanted to be more like him, I just didn't have the chance. I knew that this personality is not the one I truly wanted. I became kind of depressed, because it seemed that I couldn't do anything in this matter. Then I started to search the internet for some kind of help. I found out a lot about different personalities, and I found the MBTI system. I was curious about my personality type, because it seemed that I couldn't really fit into society, and I wasn't the average type of person. So I wanted to know my true personality, and I wanted to know if I can do anything to be more like the people I really want to be. After a lot of research, I found out I'm kind of an INTP. In fact, I became more and more certain that I myself am and INTP, and at the same time, I started to change my personality the way I really wanted. Sadly, that wasn't so easy, because as I'm still living at the same place, basically no one can understand me, and no one can understand my goal in life. In fact, I don't even think they know who I really am. The thing is, even I don't know what I'm getting at, because I can't possibly expect you to solve my problems, or even help me, I think I just want to be understood.
So that's my story, it's a lot longer than I intended it to be, and I really hope it doesn't sound like I want you to feel sorry for me. Also, I'm sorry if I made some mistakes, English is not my first language.
Anyways, I hope I will find my answers here, and have a great time.

 

[The Void]

Do 'you' know 'you' really 'are'?

 

[brajenful]

I can't seem to comprehend your question, but I can say that I somewhat know who I am or who I want to be, the problem is in my surroundings.

 

[Latte]

preved medved.

 

[brajenful]

Now that I think about it, this is not the way I should have phrased the whole thing. Oh well, sometimes I don't even think about things before acting, I guess that can lead to a lot of problems.

 

[Base groove]

Nah, honesty is usually the best policy. Everybody knows what it's like to try and improve yourself through imitation and mimicry of role models. Once you have achieved your purpose, you can drop him like rotten steak because he is fictional.

 

[Latte]

and then you became a sith lord

hmmmm

Many go through or have gone through something similar to this at some point in their lives. Probably quite a lot on this forum has. Hopefully when you come in a situation where you depend on them less, you will feel less subjected to their wills and may more easily restructure the emotional reaction component (and possibly other components) of your perception of them to something less suffering inducing.

edit: answer to things edited out in the post above by brajenful

 

[brajenful]

I actually tried to convince myself that I'm better than him, because I had to accept that I can't fully achieve my goal. It worked for some time, in fact, now I have much less inner problems. The only issue is - as I said - with my surroundings. But! I kind of feel guilty, because I'm very strict with myself, I don't like to say even one good word about myself, because I'm afraid that I sound arrogant, and when I say something bad about my life, I think it sounds like I want people to pity me. Sure, it feels good to tell these things to people who can possibly understand me, but I feel guilty because I don't have the right to expect anything from these people.

 

[Latte]

laugh at yourself

it helps

 

[brajenful]

Well, laughing at myself (or at least regretting something I did) has become an everyday routine.

 

[Latte]

DD: D:: + + =

 

[Anktark]

Hello. I think a lot of INTPs are misunderstood by society, because while we like living (most of the time), warmth and love, most of our other values and goals differ quite a bit from social predisposition. And so others think we are weird and/or borderline retarded, while we think they are rather mundane and/or shallow. Different standards, that's all.

Keeping livestock is very fun and nice, until you have to maintain them. Especially if you need to make enough hay to last through winter. On the other hand, fresh milk, eggs and meat, eh?

 

[brajenful]

Well, it's kind of nice, but I would easily give it up if I had the chance. This lifestyle is just not for me. I like to put my energy in thinking, and make something useful out of it.

 

[Anktark]

Well, it's kind of nice, but I would easily give it up if I had the chance. This lifestyle is just not for me. I like to put my energy in thinking, and make something useful out of it.

Oh I agree, it get's old fast, I was just trying to say that it does have some positive sides to it

 

[Marcel]

I really hope it doesn't sound like I want you to feel sorry for me.

I feel sorry for you. It is not your fault that you are unhappy.

I find myself in kind of a tough spot, because of the changes in my lifestyle and my personality overall. It started about a month ago.

I became kind of depressed

The thing is, even I don't know what I'm getting at, because I can't possibly expect you to solve my problems, or even help me, I think I just want to be understood.

Sure, it feels good to tell these things to people who can possibly understand me, but I feel guilty because I don't have the right to expect anything from these people.

• You want to understand yourself
• You long for empathy (“the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another)
• You long for affection
• You long for help, with yourself, your surroundings, your work and with your ideal life

I'm kind of an INTP

Now you know that you are introverted, and your post demonstrates the secretiveness that is typical for introverts, which makes it extremely difficult to help you because you write about your problems in a very foggy way.

You want to change your life, so try ‘fantasy analysis’:

• What elements of your ideal day are absolutely indispensable to your happiness?
• What elements of your ideal day are optional, but still very desirable?
• What elements of your ideal day are pure frills – they’d be nice, but you could do without them and never really be unhappy?

INDISPENSIBLE/OPTIONAL BUT DESIRABLE/FRILLS

• What: (Activities)
• Where: (Locations)
• Who: (Persons)

A goal is a basic unit in life design. It’s easy to dream; with just a little encouragement you can close your eyes and conjure up a whole new life for yourself.

But if you want to make that life come true, you will have to start by choosing one piece of it and deciding that that’s the one you’re going to go for first.

Barbara Sher, Wishcraft: How to Get What You Really Want

So I wanted to know my true personality

But! I kind of feel guilty, because I'm very strict with myself, I don't like to say even one good word about myself, because I'm afraid that I sound arrogant

I am not sure whether INTP is the correct type indicator for you, but if you want to learn more about yourself you should try the Enneagram:

http://personalitycafe.com/enneagram-personality-theory-forum/

the protagonist of this anime helped me realize that I'm not satisfied with my current personality.

Can you imagine a cat that is not ‘satisfied’ with its ‘current’ personality? Do you believe that you can create a new personality and install it on your hardware?

I wanted to know if I can do anything to be more like the people I really want to be.

You didn’t talk at all about your intellectual life; all we know is that country life is not for you. Perhaps you want to say more about that pleasant part of your life?

 

[brajenful]

Well, thanks a lot for the response. I didn't write about my intellectual life, because it's like all of the INTPs'. At least I think so. I have to admit, I didn't take a personality test, I just found about this type, and I immediately thought that I am an INTP too, because there are so many similarities. I don't even care if I'm not INTP, I guess I'm never going to find out. What I know is, I feel happy and understood among INTPs, because we are similar.

And yeah, my pleasant part of life. I would say I'm much more intelligent than my age (again, not to sound arrogant), and I like to think about basically anything. I like to think about theories as well, but I like to solve problems much more. I have kind of a weak concentration, and I lose focus quite easily (that's one thing I would like to improve). However, it seems that I am much more likely to understand complicated systems than basically anyone I've ever met. I prefer to spend my time alone, thinking, but I'm not that creative, because I can't seem to come up with an idea on my own.

That's basically all that comes to my mind. I hope this is what you asked for, I tried to stay on topic.