How do we attract ENFJs?

[Bryson]

Seems to be a very popular match, and I'm inclined to believe there's a good reason for that.

So teach me your ways, wise ones.

 

[deadpixel]

Seems to be a very popular match, and I'm inclined to believe there's a good reason for that.

So teach me your ways, wise ones.

I dont think I really know any ENFJ's, personally though I dont really have a preference for extroverts. From my experience they require too much social interaction not just from you but other people as well, I think INFJ would be a better match for me but thats just me.

 

[scorpiomover]

My best friend is an ENFJ. He's seeing me today. He treats emotions like I treat logic. When no-one is expressing their feelings around him, and just talking purely logically or purely practically, he acts like he is starved of air. When I then talk about my feelings, he acts like he can breathe air again. He especially likes it when I get passionate, enthused and/or excited about something.

Simply just talking about something that you get really passionate, enthused and/or excited about. They'll flock to you like bees to honey.

 

[Bryson]

I dont think I really know any ENFJ's, personally though I dont really have a preference for extroverts. From my experience they require too much social interaction not just from you but other people as well, I think INFJ would be a better match for me but thats just me.

With an INFJ you'll usually have to play extrovert for things to work out. I also find them unnecessarily complicated, and it's hard to make them open up. ENTPs seem to have an easier time with them.

My best friend is an ENFJ. He's seeing me today. He treats emotions like I treat logic. When no-one is expressing their feelings around him, and just talking purely logically or purely practically, he acts like he is starved of air. When I then talk about my feelings, he acts like he can breathe air again. He especially likes it when I get passionate, enthused and/or excited about something.

Simply just talking about something that you get really passionate, enthused and/or excited about. They'll flock to you like bees to honey.

That's pretty good! Ty.

 

[redbaron]

You know those people that hold onto the hug for just a little bit too long and squeeze just a little bit too tight?

ENFJ.

Wear a T-shirt that says, 'FREE HUGS'. Hug everyone you see until you find the too-long and too-tight huggers.

 

[Bryson]

You know those people that hold onto the hug for just a little bit too long and squeeze just a little bit too tight?

ENFJ.

Whoa, I knew an ENFJ female that did this a lot. Such a pleasant woman... Like, zero bitchiness.

Wear a T-shirt that says, 'FREE HUGS'. Hug everyone you see until you find the too-long and too-tight huggers.

good strategy.

 

[EvilBlitz]

I was married to an ENFJ for years. I think you may wish to reconsider your actions.

Scorpiomover is absolutely bang on. I would also add I think they are attracted to INTPs principled nature.

However if you are going to date/marry one, I hope you like romance and getting out and doing actitivities, because ENFJs need both in abundance.
Do not use the same things when being romantic on another day, the romance must be consistently original.
They are just as stubborn as ESTJs. At least with an ESTJ they will just ignore you if they dont agree with you and carry on. ENFJ will throw a fucking tantrum and will refuse to agree. Typically the case if whatever you are discussing has negative or less beautiful connotations about things. At this point it is best to let whatever it is fail, and after it has blown up in their face then they will agree they were being irrational and are wrong, but only then.
I find them to be quite strong conformists(second only to SJs), you will be made to conform in a relationship setting. But in friendship mode they dont press to conform much if at all it seems.

The big bonus being if you can get past all of that, is they do seem to like to fuck a lot. I am guessing that is the Fe, Se. Oh and they can be good at encouraging you and helping you do what you want to do, they increase follow through.

 

[scorpiomover]

I was married to an ENFJ for years. I think you may wish to reconsider your actions.

Scorpiomover is absolutely bang on.

Nice to get some external validation from someone with lots of empirical evidence, that I was on the right track.

I would also add I think they are attracted to INTPs principled nature.

I agree. They also highly value our logical analysis of their situations. Often, they don't realise how their schemes would fail due to factors of direct cause-and-effect. INTPs who explain to them when their plans are likely to fail due to such cause-and-effect phenomena, and who suggest how small tweaks to their plans that ensure that such obstacles would not be a problem, make the ENFJ's plans much more likely to work, and so they see much greater effect. This results in the ENFJ valuing their advice in ways that other types clearly do not, and in return, are highly supportive of the INTP, and are keen to help them in any ways they can.

However if you are going to date/marry one, I hope you like romance and getting out and doing actitivities, because ENFJs need both in abundance.
Do not use the same things when being romantic on another day, the romance must be consistently original.

True. But they can be extremely rigid when it comes to the concepts that they value. So as long as an INTP takes note of the concepts behind what they value, and plans things out based on the concepts they value, they become very easy to please.

They are also extremely keen to express when they get something they like, which is really important to me. I don't crave the achievement. But I do seem to need someone telling me when I got it right, so I know when to stop. They do that for me, which saves me from the frequent problems of overkill and trying too hard.

They are just as stubborn as ESTJs. At least with an ESTJ they will just ignore you if they dont agree with you and carry on. ENFJ will throw a fucking tantrum and will refuse to agree. Typically the case if whatever you are discussing has negative or less beautiful connotations about things. At this point it is best to let whatever it is fail, and after it has blown up in their face then they will agree they were being irrational and are wrong, but only then.

Most of all, the ENFJ wants to feel emotionally supported. They want to know their "peeps" have their back. So long as one says "I'd support you to the hilt if you were right. I just think that you're not right on this one.", then they seem to deflate and calm down almost immediately.

They still need to get their emotions out, though. So when they are upset, they need someone to listen and be supportive without any advice, until they have vented. Then they are open to advice. But not before.

However, I have noticed with my ENFJ friend, that as he has progressed to develop better schemes to accomplish his goals thanks to my logical advice, he's become more and more successful, his tantrums have become more and more calm, and needed to vent less and less. So this seems to be less and less of an issue, the more they develop.

The big bonus being if you can get past all of that, is they do seem to like to fuck a lot. I am guessing that is the Fe, Se.

Good for us, because I gather that we express our love through sex.

Oh and they can be good at encouraging you and helping you do what you want to do, they increase follow through.

Yes, and really excellent for us, because we usually need to do things our way, and that's usually not the normal way, and that results in most people being discouraging of what we want to achieve. It was thanks to my ENFJ friend (and our ISTP friend) repeatedly urging me to accept that I could drive successfully, and to take the test, that I got up enough confidence to take the test and drive.

I'd also like to add that they are extremely capable when it comes to getting over people-based obstacles. They seem to have a natural sense of what needs to be done to overcome the problems that are due to people or due to my inability to act due to fears and anxiety, which I tend to be very weak on. So if I've got a problem, and I can't solve it myself, and I turn to my ENFJ friend for help, he often gets me through it a lot easier than I thought things would be.

 

[Architect]

Seems to be a very popular match, and I'm inclined to believe there's a good reason for that.

I wouldn't say ENFJ-INTP is a popular pair. Combing an extravert with an introvert is problematic as the energy levels differ significantly, especially with these two as the ENFJ is highly extraverted with the INTP highly introverted. One will always feel they're not getting enough stimulation, and the other too much.

It does happen, but ideally couples are the same on the first two letters and differ on the last two. That puts the INFJ and the INTP together, and indeed this has been called the "Golden Couple".

 

[WALKYRIA]

We've been here so many times and we have arrived o the conclusoon that ENFJs are not " viscerally" good for us... thus they might look good on paper but in real times, it's not that great seriously.
I have tested this hypothese so many times and I've arrived to the conclusion that the best match for me( sensitive INTP 5w4 ) must certainly be some kind of balanced IN*J.
II'll guess that 80% of my girls have been ENFJ, with 4 out of them officially tested.

1. How do we attract ENFJ?
Seriously, you don't even have to try, ENFJ are too easy for us no need to even try... I have found that ENFJ love us whatever the fuck that we do. I think INTPs are the natural attractors of ENFJ women... even the top notch high quality ENFJ women go for us. I my university, med school(idealistic choice).. there are SJ boys and plenty of E*FJ women.. and I attract basically all the women there just by being there and coming off as so different from other males in school. I mean, how many times have I heard : " You are so different.". " You'r so cool". " You'r mysterious. ". " You'r not trying to pick up all the women, it's sexy".

Thus, best advice for meeting ENFJ.... go in a place where there are plenty of SMART( N) and Caring women( F) in position of power(J).... caring/ health professions comes in mind first( med school, psychology majors, social workers,.;etc)... Go there and just stay there. Women will sense that you'r an INTP and will approach you automatically..

2° INFJ > ENFJ : Seriously, in terms of natural attraction we prefer INFJ... I mean we share so many things in common. Whenever I sense I*FJ energy , I almost feel guilty for being attracted so wildly to them. It's just natural. Sad thing, because love is sad is that INFJ are harder for us to get than ENFJ.... Since we are passive motherfuckers. Thus while ENFJ don't hesitate- - even in public they don't shame their attraction towards us - - to tell us how great we are, INFJ do hesitate, they have that shame(synonymous in our male brains with virginity/ chastity and feminity) that we like so much in a woman. They are aware of their womanhood and want the man to seduce them and not the other way around... The sad thing thus is that they get approached by more courageous men(sensors or extroverts) and end up many times with your typical ESTP/ ENTP jock( good but not best choice for them, in same way that we go with ENFJs). Which drives us INTPs seriously mad...

3° ENFJ characteristics from my humble point of view:
- very supportive, sometimes it's too much supporting and I get sometimes nauseous of it.
( Being too good can be sometimes perceived like fakeness or can be suspicious to INTP)
- They know how to easily navigate social situations and feel at ease.
- They love to take charge with their friends and business; they work very hard for the best results. They follow trough. They can be bossy in a professional setting, but they are submissive towards their lovers... that's kinda weird. A bit like mini ENTJs lol.
( Again this beahviour can be perceived as weird and condescending towards us; I mean if you'r a boss, why don't you act like one with me then.. Seriously INTP get easily suspicious of ENFJs)
- They want evrything from life and don't get stopped by any logical barriers( like INTPs.. We envy them for that logical naivety).
- They are highly motivated.
- The value relationships+++++( We get suspicious of that also... For instance, I know one ENFJ who hugs me or gets very close with me all the time, right in front of his Introverted friend; crazy thing is she don't get ashamed at all.. it's friendship and human contact that's all. )
- They love sex too much. ( I seriously didn't enjoyed it with them, they are just too keen/ ambitious/ enthousiasts)... I seriously prefer sex and love with an introvert. It's slower and sweter.
- I ended up dumping them, systematically... But hey although they didnt want it; they seemed to get over it fast. Which is proof- for us INTPs atleast- that it wasnt that serious a relationship.
- Everything seems to be good with ENFJ. ( Problem with overt optimism is that you don't talk very much about what's not functioning !)

4° INFJ :
- I seriously wonder if there are specific professions where one can find a great abundance of INFJ( like many ENFJ in med school !)... I'll guess psychology majors and para-medical/ psychological professions but don't know. U guys shoudl elighten us.
- INFJ are more in touch with their deeper feminine side seriously. Thus more attractive to us.
- INFJ are comlpex and don't seem to agree very much with us.
- All my INFJ ex girlfriends( 3-4) ended up dumping me or not caring for me or we ended up arguing and passive aggressiveing each other... weird.( While it was the other way aruond wth ENFJ and I neevr argued with ENFJ. )
- INFJ elicit my protective alpha tendencies. I get easily jealous with an INFJ girlfriend( "Noone touches her, okay? " , "get out of her way everybody". "she's fucking with me ! " )
- I love INFJ secrecy.
- INFJ are our natural mate and INFJ are actually also attracted by INTPs but none of them is dairing approaching.
- INFJ have the same loving potential as ENFJ, difference is that INFJ reserve it for lesser people. In one way they are more conservative women.( and thus in our manly brains= good, protective mothers ).




Conclusion:
- E*FJ are the easy pick. I*FJ are the harder but more qualitative pick.

 

[scorpiomover]

Combing an extravert with an introvert is problematic as the energy levels differ significantly, especially with these two as the ENFJ is highly extraverted with the INTP highly introverted. One will always feel they're not getting enough stimulation, and the other too much.

Odd that, because I recently watched Jung explicitly say that introverts usually marry extroverts.

 

[Cherry Cola]

I think extroverts and introverts can marry so long as the distance between the two isn't that big on the spectrum. INTPs tend to be relatively heavily introverted as far as I've seen though. So I don't think they are the right type to pair with an extrovert.

 

[Architect]

Odd that, because I recently watched Jung explicitly say that introverts usually marry extroverts.

Interesting, my sample is the opposite. E's and I's might want to pair to bolster their deficiencies, but it's certainly not too common.

I know an ENFP and a ISTP who are happy so variations occur.

 

[scorpiomover]

I think extroverts and introverts can marry so long as the distance between the two isn't that big on the spectrum.

According to Jung, the idea of the subconscious being opposite in function-type and attitude to the conscious, is because the subconscious acts in a complementary way to to the conscious, because the conscious requires balance to function properly. Extroverts balance introverts. Introverts balance extroverts.

INTPs tend to be relatively heavily introverted as far as I've seen though. So I don't think they are the right type to pair with an extrovert.

INTPs live in our own heads. So we can be almost anywhere, and pretty much carry on as normal. We also have Ne, and so need others to bounce ideas off. Without others, we can revert into a Ti-Si loop, and get stuck. We also have inferior Fe, which makes our subconscious complement our Ti, by making others happy. If we don't, then the subconscious self-sabotages our lives, until we do. We really have to do a lot to arrange our lives to be completely un-exposed to anything that might require us to interact with others, to keep from having to engage with others.

 

[scorpiomover]

Interesting, my sample is the opposite. E's and I's might want to pair to bolster their deficiencies, but it's certainly not too common.

Most people's views of typology is not objective, but designed to interpret things in terms of whatever supports what they want to believe.

I see couples who are both heavily introverted. They both usually say that they are very uncomfortable with dealing with people, and are happy to find one person that understands them, so that they don't need to talk to anyone else. It works for them to an extent. But only so long as their little cave-like environment remains undisturbed. They tend to have difficulties when one of them has a friend come over, or they have to go to a party and be around people.

Conversely, I see couples who are both very extroverted. Usually, they like each other because they both like to be social. This too is a problem when they are left alone with each other, and only have each other to be with.

 

[Bryson]

Conclusion:
- E*FJ are the easy pick. I*FJ are the harder but more qualitative pick.

Spoiler

In any case, it was really interesting to read your perspective.

 

[Anktark]

You'r

Please don't use this abomination again.

 

[Oddity]

ideally couples are the same on the first two letters and differ on the last two.

Just give me Ti and Fe (in any combination). Some IFPs can be cool, but we don't have a lot in common, and their values are quite different from mine. I don't have anything common with xxTJs (or want them in any aspect of my life).

We also have Ne, and so need others to bounce ideas off.

I keep hearing of this strange phenomenon (from other INTPs, no less), but I'm quite able to use Ne all by my self. It might be most noticeable when I'm actively receiving new external "stimuli", but I can use it to expand on ideas I've already considered (with the help of Si, I guess).

It's true that I will go into the Ti-Si loop without enough external stimulation, though.

They tend to have difficulties when one of them has a friend come over, or they have to go to a party and be around people.

Hard to imagine such introverted people "having" to go to a party :P

 

[Spiritknight]

I can't speak for ENFJs, but I happen to be an ENFP female that is really happy with an INTP. What first attracted me to him was our ability to have long and intellectual conversations. He was quiet and calm and I was hyper and happy and that is what he claims made him intrigued by me. He said I was like a puzzle. We were best friends for over a year before things went to the next level. Both of us took our time getting to know one another.

I would say me being an ENFP, I was most attracted to the INTPs quietness, intelligence and ways of reasoning. I support him and help him make decisions but never tell him what to do. He helps me develop my Te and I help him with his Fe.

 

[Oddity]

He helps me develop my Te and I help him with his Fe.

How? Neither of you has the other, and the complementary function you do have is, well, the opposite of that one.

 

[Spiritknight]

How? Neither of you has the other, and the complementary function you do have is, well, the opposite of that one.

Te is my tertiary function and Fe is his inferior. I know the complementary functions we have are opposite to one another but in order to communicate in a way that my INTP understands me and I understand him, I have had to develop more T and him more F. I don't know if what I am saying makes sense, it's just been a matter of adjusting. Also when I took the mbti test, my results as an ENFP were a lot different from everyone else I have met. That may have something to do with it. My feeling function was at 15%where most ENFPs I've seen, scored higher than 40%.

 

[viche]

Seems to be a very popular match, and I'm inclined to believe there's a good reason for that.

So teach me your ways, wise ones.

Have you looked into Soconics intertype relationships? They've devised a kind of predictive scheme on how relationships will evolve between types depending on their functional interactions + feedback from volunteers about their relationships. Very interesting stuff.

Anyhow, Socionics explains that people are attracted to those who have their tertirary (called mobilizing or hidden agenda in S.) and inferior (called suggestive or dual-seeking in S.) functions are their own strong ones. ENFJs have inerior Ti, they flock to it like moths to a lamp. This happens to be a strong function of INTP, and that's how you're attracting them.

INTP-ENFJ match is not ideal because your sensing and intuition functions don't coincide. In soconics it's called semi-duality, while duality is the ideal match.

This is the intertype relationship chart (TiNe type is called LII or INTj).

 

[OmoInisa]

Anyhow, Socionics explains that people are attracted to those who have their tertirary (called mobilizing or hidden agenda in S.) and inferior (called suggestive or dual-seeking in S.) functions are their own strong ones. ENFJs have inerior Ti, they flock to it like moths to a lamp. This happens to be a strong function of INTP, and that's how you're attracting them.

INTP-ENFJ match is not ideal because your sensing and intuition functions don't coincide. In soconics it's called semi-duality, while duality is the ideal match.

The inter-type relations model in Socionics is indeed very impressive - more sophisticated than anything in MBTI. And then you also have the extensive bank of clubs, dichotomies, attitudes, etc, such that one can combine however many elements as are relevant and appropriate to arrive at a far superior picture of temperament than is possible with MBTI.

However, This is not to say that Socionics is categorically better than MBTI. The two systems are definitely complementary. Understanding of both can only enhance general understanding of type. I think one thing that MBTI has over Socionics is that Socionics fails to give due regard to the S/N gap when it comes to inter-type relations. If it did, then Semi-duality (ENFJ + INTP) or (EIE + LII) would be the ideal match for INTPs. The ideal becomes Semi-duality for dominant judgers and Mirage for dominant perceivers.

This view probably also finds support from the mental/vital concept. As someone already stated, there's not that much value from a compatibility perspective in having another person who uses the same mode and attitude of perception. The opposite attitude would however offer support and fuel, while not causing the perceptual disconnect that opposite mode would.

 

[del]

I don't know about you guys, but in my experience if even a passably attractive FJ girl takes interest in me, I'm screwed. It's not even a fair contest. It's odd too, because I'm pretty aloof and resistant to most other people.

In both friendships and intimate relationships, the N is the big factor for me, so I imagine that I'd be absolute putty to an NFJ who took minor initiative.

I'd also be really curious to hear about this from an NFJ's perspective.

 

[Oddity]

II'll guess that 80% of my girls have been ENFJ, with 4 out of them officially tested.

- All my INFJ ex girlfriends( 3-4) ended up dumping me or not caring for me or we ended up arguing and passive aggressiveing each other... weird.( While it was the other way aruond wth ENFJ and I neevr argued with ENFJ.

Since you've had quite a few, how did you meet all these girls?

As a reclusive INTP nerd, I don't know how to meet such types that might actually connect with me.

 

[StevenM]

ENFJ's find that a person with their own, unique way of thinking rather soothing; a thinker that goes against the generally common knowledge. An INTP may find the ENFJ's skill for creating a positive mood, and maintaining a harmonious 'feel' between the two people relaxing and releiving. For an INTP, you wouldn't have to worry about how you 'come off' to them in regards to how you make them feel, you can just be comfortable knowing that you are viewed as unique and interesting to them.

However, I wouldn't say it to be the perfect match. Over-time, you may somewhat feel unmotivated because of the complete lack of value that they put into your works. Your successes are just fleeting trends, they are cool one day, but forgotten tomorrow. You will soon find that they don't put much sentimental value on stuff.

<- (I'm going off a formula, and it's how I reasoned with it, but I may be incorrect. Basically they avoid and feel vulnerable to Si, which is the cognitive function that motivates and activates INTP's).

They get a good amount of their motivation and activation from high-activity environments, with the thrill of having new and different things to see and hear, and new people to meet. (Se) They could rather get somewhat bored if you prefer to just stay home all day and not venture out anywhere. (Se is uncomfortable for INTP's)

It's how I reason it :/