What is your name?
Nathan Darker
Where are you from?
Superior, WI. (USA) Moved to Bovey, MN
How old are you?
24
What's your gender?
Gender is decided by society (LGBTQ+ society decides to assign their identity as the gender) not me, so depends who's asking and what their culture is. If asking me, genderless, screw gender roles AND gender expression. Im a heckin robot.
How did you find out that you were INTP, or other type?
I was working on a project to create a device to allow bitcoin payment in vending machines, those I was working with were debating my personality type and I looked up what it was and what that meant.
How did you find out about this forum?
Internet search (trying to not say google as a verb, cuz i hate google)
Do you have a partner/lover?
Yes, she's an INTJ!
Do you have any kids?
No
Do you have any pets?
Gf is a dog breeder, sooooooooo lots. Cleaning up poop and puke is a full time job, and it sucks because that's the only stuff that I can gag from just by looking at.
What hobbies absorb you the most?
I don't really consider it a hobby at all because I'm not really doing it for fun, do kinda enjoy learning about it and getting stuff done, but I do it to get stuff done. Electronics Engineering & computer science (still new to programming). I have some clear goals on what I want to build, multi year projects I'm working on learning the skills to complete, then hopefully it means early retirement, of course, I'm not gonna retire because instead to me it'd be financially enabling of bigger projects. I just wanna fix issues with the stuff I make.
How do you generate income?
Whatever job I can manage. I have Severe Social Anxiety Disorder, so, that is a really tough thing for me, simply finding a job when you are so severely crippled in something so basic as verbal communication. Somehow managed to barely survive 6 years in the national guard (ironically, only really went in due to an inability to say no to the recruiter after showing slight interest lol), and now I'm going for a job as a security guard at a juvenile corrections center after about a year of painful unemployment. The job I find possibly doable since I got night shifts, AND its mainly in an enclosed room without much contact with youth, and contact you do have, doesn't have to be courteous and all that (but can't be rude), as a major factor in my anxiety thing seems to be a fear of coming off as rude/uninterested/ungrateful/etc. It's weird how the disorder works, like I gotta reverse engineer it to learn what my subliminal thoughts are, I just feel the effects, usually don't ever have anxious thoughts in my concious mind. It sucks. Even the military gave up on trying to make me talk lol, they got one victory, a full day to say a 15 word sentence of my own creation (i can easily say something that shows zero character, has no opinion, is not created by me, such as the soldiers' creed or random job related stuff). Almost couldn't do it, ability to think and talk gets impaired, the entire day stressing over it, finally do it, people rush down from a few buildings down hearing the news that Darker talked, only to be disappointed im not magically talkative now. Army used to be my nice guaranteed income, now I'm like I gotta find a job and work as much as they'll let me in case i'm jobless soon. Leads you to work crazy stupid jobs/hours, where someone takes over driving for once and you pass out in the passenger seat, wake up a little later and freak out start searching the dashboard for the steering wheel thinking you fell asleep at the wheel more than just a microsleep and its a miracle you're still on the road. At that point I realized wtf is wrong with my job/hours lol.
Hardest thing about being INTP?
Idk about being intp, but for me I'd say being stuck with my anxiety disorder, unable to do something so simple yet so detrimental to nearly every aspect of life, while also being stuck with being super competent and perceptive, having little power to do much but have an extreme front row seat to the slow burning of your own life. Wondering if you ought to cut it short since early middle school, plus any time you disclose depression, nobody really is competent to see it as anything other than stupidity or attention seeking. Makes the world just sorta feel lonely, like i've gotten used to being alone many years ago, eventually got used to being alone while surrounded by people too (REAL loneliness, there's a rejection factor), but, as I've made progress on being able to talk a bit more, I've noticed that it's not really as i've hyped it up to be mentally, like... people suck and there really is no reward. Thankfully I got my girlfriend though, only person i've ever met that I've found fully competent & basically the only other real person in the world to me. Without her I'd be struggling to find reasons to wanna keep existing
Life just gets tiring more and more. Only 24, and I know I've thought about suicide regularly for at least 12 years straight. Emo music was thriving when I was about 13 (the age music is scientifically proven to be best and meaninful for life), so, that's my favorite genre. In terms of depression sorta music, Bring Me the Horizon, I like a lot because the lyrics are spot on, not whiny (except one song i hate), and it's a good song too usually if you can get into it. The very title of the band I find poetic, describing an impossible task (beating depression), always gonna be chasing that light but never get to it. Also he's in the past been extremely passionate in his voice, screaming his little lungs out lol, which just sounds terrible to a lot of people, but that's one of my favorite things in music when it sounds like the passion behind the voice is exceeding the physical capabilities of the voice and the voice is starting to give out a little. Same reason I like 'Chandelier' by sia, which is less screamy lol. Well aware a ton of emo music is cringey 13 year old music (all music is really), but, it's more about memories and how it makes me feel anyways, the fact that it does make me feel is great, especially when you play along with a guitar, boi crei a lot when he does that lol, and it's great. Guess that's a hobby
haven't had time in a long time though to play, too busy trying to financially survive n find a plan for the future. Don't go to college because what if I put in all that work and get a programming degree (one most suited for my disability), but, still am just as unable to perform even in those jobs and am stuck with all that debt AND no job too lol (trying to exhaust all possible non risky methods first). Planning on finding a psychiatrist once I get paid and financially stable again, it's pretty needed I'd say. Anyways, being an INTP you're really just kinda forced to REALLY watch it all go wrong, eyeballs clamped open, unable to or usually unsuccessful in preventing things from going wrong in all aspects of life. Then you're a thinker too, so it's on your mind all day every day. Like a superpower, paired with a curse, that turns the superpower into a super curse lol. BUT, you still get perks too.
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![the.ace.of.spades[intp-a]](/data/avatars/l/16/16377.jpg?1573147183){kind=avatar}
