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Old 1st-November-2016, 04:03 PM   #1
bmstew
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Default My story and venting

Most of my life has been spent thinking about the big picture of every aspect of society. I never believe anything until I see it for myself or it has supporting details, and even then I try to argue it subconsciously.

My freshman year of college, I became overwhelmed by life. I constantly thought about why I was alive and what it meant to be alive. I'd skip classes in order to be alone just to think for myself about issues that concern me. After a point, no classes interested me and I began to lose interest in almost everything and I became very depressed.

I've battled with depression my whole life and have never told anyone how bad it is until recently. When I became depressed at college, I stopped caring for anything, including my own life. I skipped most of the semester, all the finals, and failed out and still I felt like I didn't care. I was in a fog and felt like I wasn't in control anymore. I pushed everyone I cared about away, being my friendsister from home and school, and my family. I wouldn't answer their texts or phone calls.

Coming home, I knew I had to open up and talk about what happened. I began talking to a therapist because I couldn't talk to my own family and he more of just listened and had me figure out everything just by talking and asking myself the right questions which is what I needed. People would ask me what I was doing instead of going to classes or instead of studying and most people figured sleeping in after partying or playing lacrosse, but honestly I don't know what I was doing. Most of the time I was just laying down or sitting down in a fog thinking about how depressing life is and how people can be happy going through it.

My therapist had me take a personality test and I discovered I was an INTP. Reading up about it felt like I was reading a documentary of my life and it was eye opening. I was able to discover who I actually was and why I am how I am. I felt saved and for the first time I was proud to be who I was and what my strengths and weaknesses are.

Even after finding out who I am, I still slipped away into more depression restarting school at a local community college. At both colleges I started off having straight a's without even needing to study much. But as I became depressed, I stop caring about everything and stop doing homework and slowly stop coming to class and end up missing exams and big assignments. When things spiral, they gain momentum and it kills me. I let things spiral and even when I know they are spiraling down, I let them. That is my biggest downfall.

I then opened up to my parents as a way to be saved again and they took my depression and actions as a sign of drug use (messy room, bad grades, dark circles under my eyes, insomnia, etc) and they gave me drug tests and threatened me with drug counseling. I've never been a drug user, nor have I ever felt impulsed to start. After I passed the drug tests I tried explaining how I felt to my parents and I went to see a doctor. The doctor prescribed me with wellbutrin and I've started taking it a few days ago although i havent felt different yet.

I know I needed change in my life so I've been trying to include my parents more in my schooling, I've been trying to wake up earlier to eat breakfast and make my bed, I've been forcing myself to go to the gym, and I cleaned and organized my room... all to promote a healthy lifestyle. But I still feel helpless and I still get distracted in deep thought about major societal issues. Lately it's been religion and what being alive is and I'm always a negative Nelly and derive darkNess from my answers.

I'm not sure what my meaning for this post is, but I'm all ears to comments and suggestions. I know lots of INTPs are battling the same thing I am. After finding these forums, I've felt happier knowing I'm not alone in this battle. Thanks if you've read this all, I really just needed to vent it out especially to people that can understand me fully instead of my family that is all the exact opposite personality as me.
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Old 1st-November-2016, 11:04 PM   #2
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Default Re: My story and venting

Okay, so actually good progress in some areas. Gym and organization are good, wall between yourself and your wonderfully trusting parents has shattered some, therapists don't scare you, and you got meds. How's your diet?

So then you're left with existential funk. Ever read Sartre, Camus, and/or Nietzsche? Absurdism? Hail Eris?

*Edit: Basically, I'm thinking keep up with the healthy lifestyle changes and transition your alone time to reading things about deeper issues written by people who have discovered various ways of overcoming them. Then you can effectively shove them from your consciousness and focus elsewhere.

Oh, and this. This is for you: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Positive_disintegration
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Old 1st-November-2016, 11:50 PM   #3
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Default Re: My story and venting

Maybe you need some sort of new stimulus, a change of environment. I suggest saying "fuck you" to your parents and move to a new country/state.
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Old 2nd-November-2016, 12:10 AM   #4
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Default Re: My story and venting

Sound like you spend too much time tearing things apart until they lose all meaning. Meaning cannot be found through contemplation and examination. You have to experience things.
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Old 2nd-November-2016, 01:22 AM   #5
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Default Re: My story and venting

Depression/nihilism is not uncommon with INTP's. I don't know what causes it exactly, Drenth has written on it but I didn't fall in that camp so don't have much to offer. I'd look at Personality Junkie and his books for further help.
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Old 2nd-November-2016, 10:42 AM   #6
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Default Re: My story and venting

INTPs are the sort to try and think our way through problems and nihilism is the inevitable result if the problem cannot be solved; Nihilism can be a coping mechanism, a way to let go of a painful past.

Bmstew you're doing everything right, your situation is a classic case of emotionally oppressive parentage, I'm sure they love you and they do all these things for you and it's going to hurt you to tell them this but they need to back off the pressure before you kill yourself.

I'm guessing you did great in your early school years, maybe you got distinctions or did a IQ test and got a result well over 100 and that gave your parents high expectations, catch is those expectations and the pressure to meet them is making you miserable, this is why is why the suicide rate for people with high IQs is disproportionately high.

You need to get a job (a crap job will do) get some money, some independence, a work ethic and motivation to go to college or whatever to further yourself for yourself, not to meet your parent's expectations.

Also some friends to talk to about how you feel, people who understand what you're going to, welcome to the forum
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Old 6th-November-2016, 11:48 PM   #7
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Default Re: My story and venting

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Originally Posted by Tannhauser View Post
Maybe you need some sort of new stimulus, a change of environment. I suggest saying "fuck you" to your parents and move to a new country/state.
Two-edged sword. If one abandons the social support network one has got, whether that's friends or family, wings it in a new place, and isn't particularly great at making friends or influencing people, the endgame is loneliness. Which leads to depression and in the limit, suicide.

I think it is better to try to identify what's bugging you, before embarking on some plan for how a new life circumstance is going to change it. There is the "grass is greener" problem. What change in life conditions actually matters? When one develops an expectation that some new plan is going to do something positive for oneself, and it doesn't work out that way, how does one cope with the shattered expectations? I'm saying it's important to calibrate expectations and have them be based on some model of reality.

It's possible to be trapped in a geographic socioeconomic circumstance. It's valid to recognize it and leave it. It's also possible that isn't the problem at all, and one just takes one's personal problems with oneself, wherever one goes.

I live out of a car with my dog. I'm a nomad, so I know this more than most. Change of scenery distracts for a bit. Getting down the road is a task that keeps one preoccupied and engaged, while you're moving. But does it change one's core social relationships? Nope. When one isn't an extrovert, it distances oneself from people. I need tons and tons of tmie to form bonds with people. I am not likely to just show up somewhere and "make friends". I know that if I personally keep "on the go", I'm going to end up lonely and miserable. I'm glad I've got the dog! He keeps me in a lower bound of sanity, at least we've always got each other.

My social networks (friends and family), and my life goals, are the 2 things that keep me from succumbing to Nihilsm and suicide.

Formulating life goals is difficult. Nevertehless I have them, and I'm not planning to lose them. Sometimes, one gets lost anyways. When you are lost, you don't know you are lost. Eventually you notice that you're lost, it becomes a conscious thing for you. At that point, you need to focus your efforts at getting found. Getting back on track again. DO NOT beat yourself up that you got lost. It happens, it is an inevitable part of life. Lots of shit and "incoming" happens in life that will distract you, from whatever you thought your task or mission was supposed to be. Just recognize that you've been floundering, then try to pull yourself out of it and move forwards again.

Life will inevitably be 2 steps forward, 1 step back, for anyone with a brain big enough to actually contemplate it.

Life is like a giant fractal mitochondrial maze. Huge surface area. You get to explore a tiny part of it. Then you die. This is depressing. But at least the human brain is capable of storing, mirroring, and analyzing a tremendous amount of this life complexity around us. The ability of the brain to do so much, is what gives me hope for the human condition. For the sentient condition.

I am atheist. I do not believe in any gods or afterlife. When you die, that's it. You're done. Sometimes that terrifies me. One coping mechanism is to not dwell on it much. Another is the small consolation that some forms of death, you might not see coming overly much. So you may not actually end up spending a lot of time mentally suffering and dwelling upon them. Like if someone just randomly shoots me, that's not the worst death someone could have, as it'll be random out of the blue and over quickly. You won't have a lot of time to contemplate all the experiences you'll be missing. You'll just be toast, it'll be over with.

The worst kind of death would probably be long, protracted, and painful, with lots of time to think about how miserable you are. Fortunately my life doesn't look anything like that right now. So I can enjoy the fact that my life doesn't suck hard like that. I'm not in a war zone. I'm not getting bombed. I've got food on the table. I'm not being tortured for speaking my mind. I don't have to fear a death squad bagging me in the middle of the night and making me dig my own grave.

While I am alive, I have the power to Choose. This is the core of Existentialism. I have the power to choose, and I am responsible for my choices. To some extent my choices affect those around me, and as I choose for myself, I am often choosing for others. If it is good enough for me, it is good enough for you.

Sometimes I try to measure my life based on what effect I'm having on society. How much influence my life choices will have after I'm dead. Other times I don't think this is so important, or at least, is a bit of a fantasy. I have no control over what actually happens after I am dead. I can only try to make a model, perform some action, and then hope it helps.
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Old 19th-November-2016, 05:01 PM   #8
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Default Re: My story and venting

Hi,

I have a very similar experience.

I used to be a top student in my country A level equivalent test and admitted to the top University in the region with a full scholarship, to study Theoretical Physics and Math. I thought I am going to rock the world, and then I fall in a similar circle like yours.

I lost, I failed exam, I missed assignment date, I missed classed. i feel miserable, read books, read online, attend seminar to search for potential answer. The problem is that the more I know, the more I am distracted and become more lost.

I have been kicked out of the university after 7 semester (3.5 years) with study loan debt.

Then I continue my struggle for another 10 years until now, cycling between some good achievement and progress in career and total disaster. I learned a lot, I have many experience, just I do not have the tendency to achieve top and make strong portfolio, not really sure if this is due to INTP trait.

I am kind of jobless for the past 10 months, some what depressed but not very serious, single and under debt.

However, I have stand up again few weeks ago, and see some light and quite motivated to work on myself to set up straight again. I am seaching for job opportunity that I can perform, and working on myself either on personal development sense as well as professional career aspect, and I am in the planning for my next business.

I am in no position to give you any big advice or solution to your problem cause I myself is crawling out from my own deep shit problem as well.

But I do want to share some thought, the world is immense, there are a lot of interesting thing to experience and do, especially many interesting knowledge to learn, skill to practice, phenomenon to observe and analyse. I found some area that I feel excited and want to work on as of now, and I am sure you could do the same.

One of my great challenge is that I can not live without a clear sense of purpose, without it I would feel everything is meaningless, as what happen in the lowest point in the past 10 months, and maybe your current stage.

Maybe read more or listen to some other people talk (TED talk and some youtube channel is good source) and the success story of some successful people, regardless of the sugar-coating, those success story would help to stimulate me a lot, either stimulate me for setting a goal, or stimulate me to analyse and understand the underlying principle of these success, and which is duplicable, which is not.

All the best.
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Old 20th-December-2016, 12:14 AM   #9
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Default Re: My story and venting

i feel your pain. not sure of the answer...i've often wished i could have my own personal coach by my side 24/7 to prod me along towards where i need/ needn't go.
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