I will go back to the first page and add an edit to let people know Im over my fear of women.
EDIT: apparently you cannot edit posts after a certain amt of time.
Also I contacted entp girl and she said we can talk about it, so thats hopeful.
Im aware of the fine line between codependency and being helpful, I will make sure I know which side I am on.
At this point all of my social needs are met and I would like to hide and not date anymore.
Ive figured out a lot that I havent shared or elaborated on.
I think im fairly normal at this point, ive got enough confidence and self esteem to not take things personally or be too needy.
Most of the reason I was so sad yesterday, was that I let someone I care about reject themselves, and I didnt even try to pull them back in.
I definitely dont experience emotions like a normal person, they fade very quickly, and I didnt actually feel sad for myself, or very little.
Lately ive been putting all of my effort into taking care of my mental health, and neglecting my physical health. I havent been sleeping or eating near enough. I feel very different, healthy. by the end of this month I should have a job, visited a hospital about my heart, have some idea of where my life is going. Im going to prioritize my physical health and not socially burning myself out anymore. Id like a few days to disappear, but im not sure how people will handle that irl. Im not super sure what to do with my dates, and entp girl. I need to think about it more and figure out what I want and what im doing, and why im doing it. If I can get a job within a week or two, I will be able to move out. I look forward to being alone, not being surrounded by people who are destructive and not healthy.
Im not sure if my lack of sleep is mania or stress.
Through the last week or two, Ive become confident in myself. Ive become comfortable with women, Ive learned that rejection shouldnt be taken personally, and that life is busy and its important to give people space. Im confident in my looks, and im becoming confident in my personality. Im learning to be more honest, but at the same time not share things that dont need to be shared. I still have a lot of insecurity attached to my abilities and intelligence. I would say its valid, because I can be a real dunce sometimes.
ENTP girl asked how I had grown so much as a person so fast, She asked if I just stared at the wall and figured it out, I was like uhhhhh I talked to people XD
I dont want to die, and im enjoying life. Perhaps soon I will fear death? I dont think thats how this works.
bah damnit its 3am...>_> I have to be up at 5... deep breathW O O P S
Welp, I talked with entp girl. She was totally normal, as if we didn't just agree to never see each other. I enjoy her company.
One thing sort of got under my skin: I talked to her about her issues, and asked if she had looked them up, and she said she wouldn't, she would just let the psychiatrist do it.
Sorry but thats like paying for a personal trainer. She said herself that she has very little discipline. No desire to work at it on her own.
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR disapproval noises
I suppose its like a personal trainer, If it works, great.
BAH that drives me crazy though. I suppose if I didn't have to do some ghetto diy mental health work, I would have been somewhat similar. lolnojk im lying wtf.
She let me help her with her hands. She hates people touching her hands and I convinced her into some exposure therapy. I was proud of her, because I knew she hated it. At one point I was playing with her hands, and she said we have done a lot tonight, and I let them go and agreed. That felt nice, to not be hard on her, because if it were me, BEST BELIEVE WE HADN'T EVEN STARTED
Normal people and comfort...HMPH >.>
IDK but we are still cool, and I lost a lot of attraction when she told me she wouldnt work on her mental health herself...damnit that drives me nuts. I didnt say anything about that.
Whatever.
im ok
ok.
<.<
Here, have some sad happy music: job searching makes me want to kill myself.
Why am I the right person for the job? well honestly im not.
I suppose I have to start at the bottom.
I dont look forward to being surrounded by loud confrontational people.
I feel burned out and stressed out, but at least I ate two meals and slept yesterday!
fuck yeh mandudebro can take care of himself, so what If I ate chinese food for breakfast?
Despite making so much progress, I feel a bit defeated. The one person I invested in, and seemed to like me, turned out to be quite the opposite.
I dont believe in karma or higher powers, or stupid shit in general, but I feel like im fated to be unwanted. I dont really want to try, you would think I would have come by one person who really likes me, for me. Maybe I have, but not anyone in real life.
Just feeling defeated.
Life feels insane, people spend a majority of their time either asleep or at a job they hate. I dont want that for myself, and im not sure exactly what to do. I dont understand the common persons will to live, or what their life means. I think im one of those creative types that would rather die than live in a cubicle.
I suppose finding a career is the goal, and unfortunately you dont get to start at the finish line.
bipolar 2 is kinda neat. You get shit done and sacrifice everything to do it, then the depression phase comes in and you sleep and eat. It almost seems natural. If I have any disorder, its bipolar 2. oh and autism
Intps seem to be environmental rather than genetic. Ive seen a pattern with us. PM for intp ingredients.
Right now I feel the way I did when my sugar glider died, like everything I love or care about, either leaves me or dies. ugh
Im probably on the rag from greatly reducing my caffein intake. caffein makes me feel amazing, like a more mild meth.
I suppose when you spend a certain amount of time alone, you start to feel defective and unwanted. The only thing to worry about is not isolating and reinforcing that feeling. It feels a bit painful to see so many people with friends and lovers, and Ive basically been alone my entire life. I suppose I feel inept and inferior, but its hard to remember these are feelings and not facts.
My little thing that says " in need of kamelåså" at the time I thought it was a funny joke, but if I think about it, he wanted something but didnt have the word for it. im13andthisisdeep
people my age suck.
kids from like 2-8 are cute
from 8-25 they are just terrible
from 25-60 they can be good
from 60-ded they are racist and religious, or worse ded
I think if I had supplies and desire, I could make a decent yt channel. My chaotic energy, fun projects, humor, building neat stuff. There is literally no competition for my niche in building and cars, maybe like 2 people. I would crush them.
ouch, my shoulder. my doctor told me to be careful with such violent back patting.
I am not sure if im particularly distrusting, but when entp girl said she would completely rely on her therapist, the first thing that came to my mind was, " I wouldnt take anything she said at face value, and I would double check everything". I wouldnt take a trained professional's advice, not without checking. I think that sounds absurd, but at the same time completely rational. People are fallible and rarely have your best interest in mind.
Im not sure wtf happened, but 90% of entertainment is no longer entertaining. I cant play video games for hours, I cant watch movies, I can barely watch youtube. I feel too antsy, not sure what that is.
I talked to a girl who was an 100/10 on neediness, and she said it was just her personality.
I find moderation to be extremely difficult, I guess I have an obsessive personality, Wonderful.
I actually have a strange symptom of ocd, If I figure out I want something, I almost cannot physically resist it. Like putting my entertainment center on my dresser. I was hurt when I realized it would fit, but It would have made me extremely anxious not to.
97.4% sure my personality is just a disorder. Thats true for everyone, right?
I have really wanted to start a few hobbies, but decided there were better uses of my time. I ended up not pursuing the hobby or doing anything more productive. Im going to allow myself to "waste" time in pursuit of things I deem worthy, just because I like them. My skills dont need to serve a purpose or be impressive. Trying to be perfect and ending up paralyzed is useless and idiotic. stop, just stop.
Last talk with entp girl she was telling me how I seemed to do everything right and be a catch, for some reason I just came out with how I used to be completely clueless and pathetic, low self esteem and no confidence. She had almost no reaction at all, I thought that was weird. I think she is skeptical of the fact that I have changed so much so fast. At one point she implied that she would too. She is very detached from her emotions, she doesnt feel deeply. Ironically enough, she did to me, exactly what I wouldnt allow myself to do to her: lose all feelings. I wasnt really hurt at all, simply disappointed for letting her push me away. She rejected us both when she pushed me away, she has no feelings for me now. I like her company though, it just threw me off to go from date, to friendzone that fast. She was the worst candidate to get close to, but she built up my confidence tremendously, because she is very attractive. I told her how intimidated I was when me met, because she was so beautiful, she got super cute and embarrassed.
I deleted the dating app and am in touch with 4 girls. I can say with 100% confidence I do not have the energy for multiple people, before I was binging on human interaction, im burned out and exhausted. Honestly not even sure If I have the energy for a single person, but only time will tell.
I think my strongest trait may be self awareness, rather than persistence. If I move out, im not sure if I will stay here, or at least not for very long. Idk what to do with myself at this point.
Im healthy enough not to let my destructive thoughts come out, but not healthy enough to get rid of them.
Why is asking for help so fucking impossible for me?
why am I awake at 3am?
I realized I was expecting too much from everyone, im going to stop doing that.
I think I will make one of those little "positive things about me" lists, thats supposed to be good for people like me, who dont pay attention to their positive characteristics.
Yet another social hangover, looks like this is just me. -_-
Im getting more comfortable with people, feeling good, but not mania levels of good.
Becoming a healthy person, hopefully with a little break in self discovery and growing. Its very taxing mentally, to change so much so fast.
I haven't bonded with anyone since entp girl. I feel a bit empty, not in a bad way, Im just not connecting anymore. I also don't have anxiety anymore, absolutely none, i've become a bit dead inside.. I wonder how long this will last.
Ive matured since my sugar glider died, the things I get closet to, do tend to leave me or die, but Im not sure I care anymore.
I was never sad about losing her, I was only briefly sad that I let her reject herself. I think she is only talking to me out of pity or guilt, at this point. People who don't let you in, are a pain in the ass. I will avoid their type from now on.
I think in all honestly, I was asking everything of her. Looking to one person for all your social needs, is completely unfair and immature. I have a bad tendency to blame myself for things I didn't cause, Im learning to take the appropriate amount of responsibility.
I think i'm fine waiting to mature, before having a relationship. I was like a woman in her 50s, freaked out about being unable to have a child, we want things we cant have, and now I can have sex and people. My mindset has changed a lot.
There is a big part of me that doesn't want to have sex or get too close, for fear that I would want that more. Its like smoking weed, it becomes a coping mechanism for discomfort and unhappiness. Don't start, and you wont ever use it as a crutch. Maybe you miss out on the good parts of life, not trying things that feel good. Im not sure why im so weary of addictions, Ive never really had any bad ones.
Ive recently learned that women with low confidence/self esteem have issues holding eye contact with me. I always thought it was because they didn't like me, but its because I make them nervous. Touch is more natural now, i'm almost human, at the very least, i'm a very warm robot.
I can be sure that something about me makes women feel safe and comfortable, Ive had three women point out that they shouldn't trust me/ feel comfortable with me so fast. I actually asked the last one, and she said I just do everything that makes her feel safe. I laughed and told her I really wasn't trying to, and she said that it was obvious, and it made it clear that I was a good person worthy of trust. That was nice to hear.
I have about 5 or 6 female friends now, thats cool.
I brought one home, its been about 4 or 5 years since ive done that, and the last time was the first time.
I remember in grade school we had to make a little drawing of our lives. I was the only kid to put a tomb stone on mine, insisting we all die, I got in trouble for that.
The average cost of a funeral is $6500
absurd, to force someone to pay, to put another person in the ground.
tbh if I kms, I will have to make sure nobody finds my body, simply out of spite.
I was just reading this paper about how many people have zero friends, or no close friends. It seems everything is being put ahead of our basic human needs, along with living being expensive, and distractions being cheap. There is no sense of community, people dont form lasting bonds, they move too often, or are too busy. I cant understand 99% of the people in this world.
Evil things are done on national television, nobody gets killed. Is that civil? I think its madness.
Modern people dont get involved, because there are too many juicy escapes, to make life bearable, despite the wrong things being done to others. It doesnt really matter though, because you will disappear, if you actually make any difference, it would be a suicide ( or the cool heart attack gun) , and nobody would think anything of it. Its weird, because as a child, you think there is some justice, you couldnt blatantly be murdered by the people who are supposed to be doing right. I suppose the problem with power, is the only people that want it, shouldnt have it. No decent person wants to control and punish people, balanced individuals dont feel they should judge a persons entire life, based off a piece of paper, and an hour long, one sided talk. I think the world is a bit too big, too many things happening at once.
In sum: peoplesuck, and im stressed.
I remember in grade school we had to make a little drawing of our lives. I was the only kid to put a tomb stone on mine, insisting we all die, I got in trouble for that.
The average cost of a funeral is $6500
absurd, to force someone to pay, to put another person in the ground.
tbh if I kms, I will have to make sure nobody finds my body, simply out of spite.
Lol, you remind me of a close INTP friend of mine. Same realistic yet very dry take on life (which shocks people). The average cost of a funeral is that expensive due to all the procedures coming along with it. It's like a vacation cruise (all expenses included), but with a one way trip.
I was just reading this paper about how many people have zero friends, or no close friends. It seems everything is being put ahead of our basic human needs, along with living being expensive, and distractions being cheap. There is no sense of community, people dont form lasting bonds, they move too often, or are too busy. I cant understand 99% of the people in this world.
Evil things are done on national television, nobody gets killed. Is that civil? I think its madness. Modern people dont get involved, because there are too many juicy escapes, to make life bearable, despite the wrong things being done to others. It doesnt really matter though, because you will disappear, if you actually make any difference, it would be a suicide ( or the cool heart attack gun) , and nobody would think anything of it. Its weird, because as a child, you think there is some justice, you couldnt blatantly be murdered by the people who are supposed to be doing right. I suppose the problem with power, is the only people that want it, shouldnt have it. No decent person wants to control and punish people, balanced individuals dont feel they should judge a persons entire life, based off a piece of paper, and an hour long, one sided talk. I think the world is a bit too big, too many things happening at once.
Could you give me the link to the paper? Interested.
In regards to modern life, there is a general rule: most people are too busy with their own lives to bother with the whole picture happening around them.
Lol, you remind me of a close INTP friend of mine. Same realistic yet very dry take on life (which shocks people). The average cost of a funeral is that expensive due to all the procedures coming along with it. It's like a vacation cruise (all expenses included), but with a one way trip.
Could you give me the link to the paper? Interested.
In regards to modern life, there is a general rule: most people are too busy with their own lives to bother with the whole picture happening around them.
I dont have the link.
modern life is shit, unfortunately we live in modern times. However cake and netflix are cool.
hey thanks, sometimes im not sure why I bother to post.
I'm too old to remember being this anxious. I think I must have been. I recall my heart banging and being afraid to breath. I have some significant social anxiety but I have managed it by years of experience in which I realized people are mostly absorbed with themselves and don't give two shits about me.
Ignoring messy humanity and otherwise manageing specific humans like a sheepdog has helped me get rid of most of my anxiety. I'm still "wooden" and "reserved". I find most people are bound by societal constraints. Memorize the rules and steps of socializing wherever you are and you can move through the world fairly easily. That is what socially successful autistic people do. They call it Masking. It is tiring and honestly a little alienating to your internal self but it does smooth social interactions.
In dealing with social anxiety I think @Adaire has solid advice. Find literally anything you enjoy and do that.
Ignoring messy humanity and otherwise manageing specific humans like a sheepdog has helped me get rid of most of my anxiety. I'm still "wooden" and "reserved". I find most people are bound by societal constraints. Memorize the rules and steps of socializing wherever you are and you can move through the world fairly easily. That is what socially successful autistic people do. They call it Masking. It is tiring and honestly a little alienating to your internal self but it does smooth social interactions.
Really what is "normal" is what people expect. When I say people I am of course generalizing, one person may expect positive and the other negative outcomes, they will see the good or the bad in something. They really are complete sheeple if their conclusions are more than mostly based on other's perceptions. But yeah, if people expect you to act like a clown, they won't be surprised when you're cracking jokes or performing a little bit. Depending on execution and the person they will judge you differently.
You write about how a lot of people don't have friends and idk, do you think that's weird? I mean, mathematically, besides diseases (and even most of those are debatable), other people are likely to be the cause of your demise. Other people are the things in the world most able to cause harm to you, and it does not have to be physically. It's intimidating to look at the world in all it's disgustingness and say "IM GONNA SOLVE ALL THE PROBLEMS" No doubt people have ventured on that journey to fix the slices they think are most unjust, but I'm sure a lot of humanity is discouraged into getting involved simply because they know how people are. My own mother, bless her heart has shown me all I need to know about humans and let me tell you, I love that woman, but she is a cold-hearted bitch, and I would not tolerate that from anyone else. It's something to think about.
I'm too old to remember being this anxious. I think I must have been. I recall my heart banging and being afraid to breath. I have some significant social anxiety but I have managed it by years of experience in which I realized people are mostly absorbed with themselves and don't give two shits about me.
Memorize the rules and steps of socializing wherever you are and you can move through the world fairly easily. That is what socially successful autistic people do. They call it Masking.
well as social creatures, it sure seems bad that we arent actually being social, we arent bonding. wiki definition of social:
needing companionship and therefore best suited to living in communities.
wiki definition of social:
I mean, mathematically, besides diseases (and even most of those are debatable), other people are likely to be the cause of your demise.
Actually you are more likely to be the cause of your own demise. The only reason I would point it out, is Ive wanted to die many times, and every time has been from loneliness and isolation.
one of the factors for assessing suicide risk, is social support.
It doesnt make much sense, but seeing as other people are losing value so rapidly, and there are so many ways to escape reality, im not surprised.
Its quite heartbreaking to see how fast people disconnect from loved ones, simply to protect themselves.
Im a very odd person, from what I can tell. I dont habituate very easily, and injustices bother me much more. I have a very strong sense of right and wrong. Im a radical, of sorts. that saying, of "you have to watch the quiet ones" may have had some validity.
well as social creatures, it sure seems bad that we arent actually being social, we arent bonding. wiki definition of social:
needing companionship and therefore best suited to living in communities.
[/QUOTE]
I see what you mean, but what I am saying is that it's not irrational to think that making friends or engaging in social interaction is a liability. The people in your life are the ones who will hurt you the most.
wiki definition of social:
I mean, mathematically, besides diseases (and even most of those are debatable), other people are likely to be the cause of your demise.
Actually you are more likely to be the cause of your own demise. The only reason I would point it out, is Ive wanted to die many times, and every time has been from loneliness and isolation.
one of the factors for assessing suicide risk, is social support.
You're right in a way, suicide is only 20% less likely than road incidents, but my point now, as convoluted as it is, is that we should ask if the individual is responsible for the suicide or if the social structure (society) we live in is responsible. Maybe it's because people don't realize how powerful they are, but cultivating a culture where things aren't as shitty as they are now seems like a piece of cake if there was a large enough effort for it.
It doesnt make much sense, but seeing as other people are losing value so rapidly, and there are so many ways to escape reality, im not surprised.
Its quite heartbreaking to see how fast people disconnect from loved ones, simply to protect themselves.
Im a very odd person, from what I can tell. I dont habituate very easily, and injustices bother me much more. I have a very strong sense of right and wrong. Im a radical, of sorts. that saying, of "you have to watch the quiet ones" may have had some validity.
I agree with you, it's a shame. At the same time I'm not surprised, most children are fucking monsters, and society is what we get when these by and large, poorly domesticated children are forced to survive in it. People will ask themselves "is it worth it?" and I do not blame them if they say it is not.
Being interested in communities is a growing trend, so maybe things are changing. But when I consider how much could be done vs. how much is actually done to solve tragedies, it's discouraging. Watching the Netflix Bill Gates Docu is a little soothing because of this.
I haven't been giving myself any credit for, essentially surviving, and becoming a person.
I was looking through my old threads and pm's.
WOW! I was so incapable and inept. I couldn't explain myself or express myself. My social skills have come light years, since then. I had so many mental issues, that i've now overcome. I had no idea how to communicate in any way.
FUck celebrating the fact that im quite healthy now, i somehow didn't kill myself, or anyone else! That is a serious victory in my book. I was a fucking idiot.
Very amusing to see the thread where I talked about developing emotions, and everyone saying I was just upset, and that it would pass. nope
omg and I can walk now? without consciously holding my arms straight.
I was so autistic, or I seemed? IDK BUT WE DOIN GOOD NOW!
My issues must have been completely psychological, because i've overcome things, that you cant just will yourself through.
feeling a tad bit proud of myself. neat.
Im currently struggling to be a living being, during the daylight hours, this has been a lifelong struggle. Its very hard for me to know if im being lazy, or if deserve a break. there really isnt much to need a break from, life has been so stressful that I just want to hide. I feel that I need time to recover.
From what?
honestly im not sure.
life?
Fairly pitiful considering I dont even work, I have nearly zero responsibilities. Idiotic legal trouble is making things worse, its the reason Ive been so stressed.
Im not sure if im just weak or if im really hard on myself.
I essentially went 2 weeks barely sleeping, then stressing.
OH, and I no longer get social hangovers? My brain has been forcefully adapted, or some shit. Honestly, i'm not sure what in the actual fuck I am, but if i'm anything, its adaptable, and overusing commas. mostly overusing commas, but adaptable too.
UGh its so hard for me to know when i'm being kind to myself, and when i'm being a pushover. I end up always being a kind of drill sergeant, to myself. Im making massive progress is certain areas and zero in others, its very frustrating. Like cleaning your entire house when you need to do your homework.
Ive recently learned something about the world. Im not scared of physical confrontation or dying, but i'm not aggressive, I don't want to hurt anyone. There are people with my traits, but lots of aggression. Obviously? yeah, but I just realized how dangerous these people are. There are people who are worth defusing. I hate the idea of calming someone else, I think its a pitiful dominance thing? There is some part of me that is tired of taking care of other's anger issues. I think from my dad, I have this deep animosity for playing that role, and a desire to go against it. Since I was a small child, Ive never tried to diffuse anyone, Ive never had to, I always escape. But I wonder, what if I couldn't?
Which part of me would win? I don't think i'm capable of calming an aggressive person, I get quiet, defiant. this isn't relevant, but I was just curious. I don't think I have the self preservation instinct to actually care.
I see what you mean, but what I am saying is that it's not irrational to think that making friends or engaging in social interaction is a liability. The people in your life are the ones who will hurt you the most.
People can only hurt you as much as you let them, generally. If your friends are liabilities, perhaps you need some better friends? im free this weekend...hmu
Maybe it's because people don't realize how powerful they are, but cultivating a culture where things aren't as shitty as they are now seems like a piece of cake if there was a large enough effort for it.
Indeed, most people dont realize how much potential they have, and its incredibly difficult to make them see it.
We need lots of people doing the right things, and maybe some people being assassinated demoted.
I haven't been giving myself any credit for, essentially surviving, and becoming a person.
I was looking through my old threads and pm's.
WOW! I was so incapable and inept. I couldn't explain myself or express myself. My social skills have come light years, since then. I had so many mental issues, that i've now overcome.
Im currently struggling to be a living being, during the daylight hours, this has been a lifelong struggle. Its very hard for me to know if im being lazy, or if deserve a break.
Fairly pitiful considering I dont even work, I have nearly zero responsibilities. Idiotic legal trouble is making things worse, its the reason Ive been so stressed.
Im not sure if im just weak or if im really hard on myself.
I essentially went 2 weeks barely sleeping, then stressing.
OH, and I no longer get social hangovers? My brain has been forcefully adapted, or some shit. Honestly, i'm not sure what in the actual fuck I am, but if i'm anything, its adaptable, and overusing commas. mostly overusing commas, but adaptable too.
UGh its so hard for me to know when i'm being kind to myself, and when i'm being a pushover. I end up always being a kind of drill sergeant, to myself. Im making massive progress is certain areas and zero in others, its very frustrating. Like cleaning your entire house when you need to do your homework.
Ive recently learned something about the world. Im not scared of physical confrontation or dying, but i'm not aggressive, I don't want to hurt anyone. There are people with my traits, but lots of aggression. Obviously? yeah, but I just realized how dangerous these people are. There are people who are worth defusing. I hate the idea of calming someone else, I think its a pitiful dominance thing? There is some part of me that is tired of taking care of other's anger issues. I think from my dad, I have this deep animosity for playing that role, and a desire to go against it. Since I was a small child, Ive never tried to diffuse anyone, Ive never had to, I always escape. But I wonder, what if I couldn't?
Which part of me would win? I don't think i'm capable of calming an aggressive person, I get quiet, defiant. this isn't relevant, but I was just curious. I don't think I have the self preservation instinct to actually care.
Celebrate the evolution and have your expectations in order. If you are training for a competition to do 100 pullup as fast as possible, then you should be doing twice as much, 200 pullups as fast as possible. Shoot for the moon. You aren't getting social hangovers because much like someone who runs a mile every day, you have been doing that more often, you are more efficient and less wasteful, just don't get caught up in dogmatism. Like exposure therapy, expose yourself to what you would think is unreasonable with the expectation that you will improve, because you WILL. This is the growth mindset. I would suggest start journaling, bullet pointing all the variables in your life, and set up a system to manage it all. Once you get good at it you won't need to journal as much or at all. Your conscious mind is programing your subconscious mind. JUST MAKE SURE YOU HAVE TIME TO REST
You are truly resting when you are not doing anything here, all you have to remember is that you are relaxing, and just be, you might find that you're mind is racing, but be patient with yourself.
I see what you mean, but what I am saying is that it's not irrational to think that making friends or engaging in social interaction is a liability. The people in your life are the ones who will hurt you the most.
People can only hurt you as much as you let them, generally. If your friends are liabilities, perhaps you need some better friends? im free this weekend...hmu
idk about you, but when someone comes up to me and punches me square in the jaw, theres not much I can do but be hurt. Sure you can say that I let myself get punched in the face, and while partially true, that line of thinking leads to self blame, something I know to well to not get caught up in. By that same virtue, if someone comes at me with faxx, and the truth hurts, most can't help but be hurt, it's a problem that I'm learning I've been dealing with for long time now.
lol whats your discord, I missed out before when the link was put up and it expired, you might laugh when you see my username.
Celebrate the evolution and have your expectations in order. If you are training for a competition to do 100 pullup as fast as possible, then you should be doing twice as much, 200 pullups as fast as possible. Shoot for the moon. You aren't getting social hangovers because much like someone who runs a mile every day, you have been doing that more often, you are more efficient and less wasteful, just don't get caught up in dogmatism. Like exposure therapy, expose yourself to what you would think is unreasonable with the expectation that you will improve, because you WILL. This is the growth mindset. I would suggest start journaling, bullet pointing all the variables in your life, and set up a system to manage it all. Once you get good at it you won't need to journal as much or at all. Your conscious mind is programing your subconscious mind. JUST MAKE SURE YOU HAVE TIME TO REST
Yeah man no worries, I pretty much do anything I think will help. The reason I said It was unusual, is because you cant just throw an autistic kid into those situations, and expect growth. Its hard to explain, but when I stopped listening to music, and forced myself to study to the sound of my windup clock, I changed my relationship with the sounds. if that makes sense? exposure therapy is my hobby at this point.
I should learn how to rest, typically i do nothing and stress about doing nothing...and thats my rest LOL
You are truly resting when you are not doing anything here, all you have to remember is that you are relaxing, and just be, you might find that you're mind is racing, but be patient with yourself.
Yeah idk if this is a metaphor, but people are predicable enough that this should never happen. Again, find some better friends, or stop putting them in positions to hurt you.
Ah lower than normal confidence levels so what? Life problems? The solution is in between your ears. Confidence comes with experience. Some of it has to be simply made or faked that is all.
Yes overcoming issues can be pretty annoying, but it happens sometimes even if you do not think its possible. Part of overcoming issues is kind of just letting go of the typical pattern you are invested in normally to self sooth and simply leverage issues with something more creative. That is why for example creative outlets can help to solve them and why so many artists were nut cases. Hitler included. LOL
Ah lower than normal confidence levels so what? Life problems? The solution is in between your ears. Confidence comes with experience. Some of it has to be simply made or faked that is all.
Yes overcoming issues can be pretty annoying, but it happens sometimes even if you do not think its possible. Part of overcoming issues is kind of just letting go of the typical pattern you are invested in normally to self sooth and simply leverage issues with something more creative. That is why for example creative outlets can help to solve them and why so many artists were nut cases. Hitler included. LOL
I have taken to heart the fact that life is what you make of it, im not going to be sad or pitiful, to the best of my abilities. At this point apathy is my biggest enemy. I agree, with having outlets for expression, I actually noticed some years ago: im doing my worst when I start drawing. Not drawing yet, but perhaps I should be.
My issue right now is with employment. Not getting any interviews, its irritating, but atm its also my fault for not applying enough.
Ive been wondering if im like the loser guys my mom keeps dating. Most jobs are soul crushing to me, painful enough that death is almost preferable, on a good day.
I need to work against that, use it as motivation not to be so useless. I need more people pushing me, and fewer pulling me back into being idle and useless. I cant say how I am certainly right now, too many outside influences. Once I get away from everyone, then I can really see my true colors. Ive been in this fucking limbo with people, not far enough to escape, not close enough to join. ARGHHH
One thing thats bothering me, is some ultimate goal. The older I get, the more unsure of what I want to do. Do I want to escape everything, say fuck humanity and hide? Maybe I want to stay and help? maybe I want to stay and escape reality with everyone else?
It bothers me, every path is shitty.
If I escape, maybe I was one of the few who could have seen the problems and helped?
If I stay, could I make any difference?
Would I even be able to escape reality and my own self awareness enough to stay?
Am I even capable of being independent enough to escape?
My world view is such a pain in my ass!
not religious, so im not going to fuck about until I get to go to la la land.
Not patriotic, so im not going to spend my life killing randos for richbois to make money.
I think the majority of people are too braindead and stuck in their ways to do the right things, no point in going against them, because they outnumber me. so not into politics.
Suffering is so wide and deep, my efforts are meaningless. well not meaningless. I think small things add up, over a lifetime, to a life well spent. I suppose the goal is to be the good in the world.
So really the only conclusion that makes sense to me: Live a simple life, not wasting or destroying the world ( as much as I could) , care for the people close to me, make some effort to better the world.
I have odd views on things, Ive had a half empty childhood, im missing so many human experiences everyone else had. I dont relate to people, dying or hiding sound best to me. I feel half human. That is quite fitting too, because I havent allowed myself to make the typical "mistakes" people make. For the most part I dont relate to their bad decisions and tendencies. People are half alien to me.
Im basically a straight edge faggot, but I didnt even know what straight edge was my whole life, so if you think about it, im like the apex straight edge faggot.
ManDudeBro, doctorate in straight edge faggotry.
You know its bad when your christian parents are worried you are such a loser.
dad stopped asking if I had a girlfriend when I was like? 16?
My mom encouraged me to pursue my teacher, who was, I think 24 years older than me, when I was 16.
Best mom ever. I was blessed with that, at least. She would support me to pursue anything that made me happy.
My upbringing was essentially good cop bad cop.
But more accurately, psychotic abusive cop, try to reverse all the damage and trauma cop.
Im glad I can laugh at that.
I cleaned my room, next I suppose I need to sort myself out, then slay my dragon.
Roughly speaking
I think the best bet is to start practicing an in-demand skill, If you enjoy it all the better. It doesn't have to even be what you'd call a practical skill, like coding or electrician (though those jobs are pretty future proof.) You can take your story of being an infant to getting your shit together into a life coaching thing with a little business management and psychology knowledge lel.
I don't know, def learn to articulate yourself verbally, I don't want you to get what I'd call a peon job unless there was room for growth, or a temp thing.
yes I have quite the odd story, perhaps I could speak to the misfits of this world, convince a few to fix themselves, rather than shoot up their schools.
Is it bad school shootings in America have become some kind of running joke to me?
Like how many until someone does something? what number are we at? is anyone even counting anymore? Does anyone even care anymore? FFS school shootings might as well be a daily news segment, a dedicated 5 minutes to cover the latest incident.
ar15's cost so little, how can you not laugh at this shit? its so dumb its hilarious!
Id love to see an interview with one of these people against all gun regulation, after their child gets murdered in their classroom. perhaps they would consider it?
Its kind of fucked up I care more about children's safety, than the parents.
How could you actually be against gun regulation? Im not saying takeourgunsbois, but like? something?
Shit like this is why I dont get along with people
Dont even get me started on schools new "safe" way of letting kids out of school. A complete fucking joke. A complete insult to human intelligence and ingenuity.
letmegethisright:
1. illegal to have a gun on school property
2. new system now has parents and children in little groups
I mean? is this a contest?
I remember walking home before I could fucking do math
now that would be "child neglect" or some illegal shit.
Im not sure, but I know one thing: I need to develop the skills necessary to create. I have lots of ideas, and they are next to useless without the actual knowledge of implementing and designing. Calculating effeciencies etc.
Not necessarily get an engineering degree, but perhaps lots of diy research.
FOLLOWTHROUGH
actually write things down
I think with a bit of ingenuity and passion a lot of good could be accomplished.
There are a few skills I must learn, so Im not completely inept.
Spelling names is one. Im not sure why I dont know how, but I dont know how 90% of names are spelled. Never texting? never writing notes to people? doesnt really matter, I need to work on it.
Next would be handwriting, mine is unintelligible.
If I had a realistic view of myself I wouldn't have so many problems.
People fuck up, but its a catastrophe if I fuck up.
I have a strangle relationship with embarrassment and failure. I can laugh at it, throw myself into anything. But to take something seriously, without beating myself up, is a real struggle.
There are little programs that would qualify me for decent jobs, even ones I may like. Sleep medicine technician is one I wouldnt mind.
Modern life is different from the life we evolved to live on the savanna.
www.psychologytoday.com
Quote:
Dozens of things need to be done to keep everyone alive and well, and among the able-bodied adults everyone has something they are the best at. Everyone feels needed. And everyone appreciates how valuable everyone else is to the success of the tribe.
Reading that made me realize something pretty obvious: nobody is needed anymore. Not me, not you, no one.
Every single person is expendable.
Being needed is human, some core desire.
Life choices arent as simple, now. usually our big life choices are gambles that we wait a lifetime to figure out if we did things right.
Maybe you did, fantastic!
but what if you dont like the outcome? well there goes half your life.
according to the social security website, I dont exist.
my main account to my last employer has locked me out, I called, they never seen this b4.
employer b4 that is unreachable.
so I dont exist and nobody will answer the fucking phones, and im locked out.
ffs
Oh also my student loans are fucked, so the information doesnt match my identity? I tried to fix this, didnt succeed
im a ghost
the greyest of greymen.
I think im finally heading off. This forum has been invaluable for me. The people here have taken the place of normal friends and family. Everyone here, hate me or like me, has helped me mature into someone I would much rather be, than who I was when I first joined. Just look at the name of this thread, this thread has more information about me, and my deepest thoughts, than everyone I have ever met, combined. Being able to look back and see things ive said, being able to have time to think and respond, its been great. When I first joined, I was a complete social retard, women did indeed freak me out, and I hated the world. I was always anxious around people, and I was afraid to be honest about who I was. I didnt have normal friendships, or parenting, or sibling interactions, or even teacher interactions. This forum filled the void that was made by a childhood of isolation. When someone has a void like that, the way that person turns out, really depends on who fills that void. It was certainly a group effort, and im not sure I can say how well I turned out, but im grateful for everyone here. From the start of this thread, it feels like each member taught me a few valuable things. I can honestly say, I had one real friend when I was younger, for a few years, we were separated sometime around 2007, I did not have a real friend since, until I started this thread, and have since made a few. I can honestly say that I have people I trust. I learned to open up, I learned to disagree, and now, I think I know what love is.
For a forum of cold rationals, everyone here was incredibly supportive and gentle.
I learned a valuable lesson, about how little it takes to change someone's life for the better.
Thanks for helping me grow up and not banning me ;p
Much love, dark humor, and general degeneracy
I think im finally heading off. This forum has been invaluable for me. The people here have taken the place of normal friends and family. Everyone here, hate me or like me, has helped me mature into someone I would much rather be, than who I was when I first joined. Just look at the name of this thread, this thread has more information about me, and my deepest thoughts, than everyone I have ever met, combined. Being able to look back and see things ive said, being able to have time to think and respond, its been great. When I first joined, I was a complete social retard, women did indeed freak me out, and I hated the world. I was always anxious around people, and I was afraid to be honest about who I was. I didnt have normal friendships, or parenting, or sibling interactions, or even teacher interactions. This forum filled the void that was made by a childhood of isolation. When someone has a void like that, the way that person turns out, really depends on who fills that void. It was certainly a group effort, and im not sure I can say how well I turned out, but im grateful for everyone here. From the start of this thread, it feels like each member taught me a few valuable things. I can honestly say, I had one real friend when I was younger, for a few years, we were separated sometime around 2007, I did not have a real friend since, until I started this thread, and have since made a few. I can honestly say that I have people I trust. I learned to open up, I learned to disagree, and now, I think I know what love is.
For a forum of cold rationals, everyone here was incredibly supportive and gentle.
I learned a valuable lesson, about how little it takes to change someone's life for the better.
Thanks for helping me grow up and not banning me ;p
Much love, dark humor, and general degeneracy
I google searched it and couldn't find anything substantial. It makes me extremely uncomfortable to be around women, dumpster fire or beautiful. I avoid women as much as I can, i'm sort of terrified of them. I don't feel fear, but they make me so ungodly uncomfortable I just avoid them. What causes this? From a very young age I always avoided the girls, but in high school I had a good female friend. I was never bullied by girls from what i can remember, slight sexual harassment in middle school but thats it. They were super flirty/handsy with me since I didn't react to them. I wouldn't think that would cause what i'm dealing with, its been this way since I was like 10. One time I had to sit next to a girl in biology and she was very attractive, I actually was on the verge/having a panic attack when I left the room, I sat in the hall listening to my heartbeat in my ear for an hour. unfortunately thats not a joke, sitting next to people freaks me out too. I made it through high school doing my work outside of class...so yeah
I just decided this was a problem so i'm asking for help.
It is clear that there was some event in your past which has scarred you mentally and was later sustained by its repeated occurrence caused by anxiety. A therapist will help you find the disturbing notion and help in eliminating the same. Self-fulfilling phenomenons oftentimes form lifetime habits.
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