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Why are infp's so frustrating to start/have a relationship with

Joined
Jun 29, 2015
Messages
6
#1
A few years ago this girl and I started talking. At first she seemed like an ENFx because she seemed really energetic when ever she was around me and she seemed to get upset real easily or express her view on a certain topic. However, the longer I knew her, the more I started figururing out she's an infp (or so I think) since she seems like she has my personality with a lot more emotion and displays some infp traits. Like, it's literally next to impossible to get her to come to things, like I'll invite her and she'll seem exited and ask about it if we see each other before it, but she won't show up. She'll show up to other parties/events where I'm the only person she knows though. For instance, one time we " ran " into each other at the fair and she ditched her friend to chill with me for like 5 hours. Another time she showed up at my friends bonfire with a couple of friends which she then ditched and came and sat by me, but once she saw how many people were there she went inside because she said she only thought there was going to be a couple people, but there was like 20. I highly doubt she realiszes how frustrating her not coming to things I invite her to is. Since I'm an intp I think about this probably 85% of my day, to the point where I think she hates me and just about give up on her. However this is probably the only person that I'll actually like that is somewhat attracted to me without getting to know me. I'm pretty sure I love her, since she's really the only person that makes me feel any type of intense emotion, but she rarely comes to things.
 
Joined
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#2
Sounds like typical INTP behaviour to me..
She does what I do anyway..
 

Cheeseumpuffs

Proudly A Sheeple Since 2015
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#3
Since I'm an intp I think about this probably 85% of my day, to the point where I think she hates me and just about give up on her.
This is something I deal with a lot. It's hard to make that voice in your head shut up, and even harder to make it stay away from those shitty, dark, anxious thoughts. I'd like to be able to give you advice on how to quiet it down, but I still have trouble with this one.

However this is probably the only person that I'll actually like that is somewhat attracted to me without getting to know me. I'm pretty sure I love her, since she's really the only person that makes me feel any type of intense emotion, but she rarely comes to things.
Out of curiosity, how old are you? This sounds like something I would've said in high school. Like, I'm pretty sure I did say something very similar to this at least once. I feel weird saying it like this since I'm not even that old yet, but there will always be another one eventually. It may feel like she's the only one you'll ever want to be with, but as someone who's had several "only one"s I can tell you that this confusing girl will someday be replaced by another confusing girl (girls are confusing, by the way, regardless of type).

EDIT: Have you told her you like her/want a relationship? Clear and direct communication always seem to help, in my experience.
 
Joined
Jun 29, 2015
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#4
This is something I deal with a lot. It's hard to make that voice in your head shut up, and even harder to make it stay away from those shitty, dark, anxious thoughts. I'd like to be able to give you advice on how to quiet it down, but I still have trouble with this one.



Out of curiosity, how old are you? This sounds like something I would've said in high school. Like, I'm pretty sure I did say something very similar to this at least once. I feel weird saying it like this since I'm not even that old yet, but there will always be another one eventually. It may feel like she's the only one you'll ever want to be with, but as someone who's had several "only one"s I can tell you that this confusing girl will someday be replaced by another confusing girl (girls are confusing, by the way, regardless of type).

EDIT: Have you told her you like her/want a relationship? Clear and direct communication always seem to help, in my experience.
I'm 17, I just graduated high school. I haven't told her anything yet I just drop hints all the time, but its as if every time shes with me my thoughts stop and I can't think of a sensible way to phrase "I fucking love you" since that's how I feel. When im not around her, however, i can think of something so perfect, but it just slips away when i see her. I just think that I'll sound to desperate or something because she already told me she hates when guys tell her they like her ( I think its because she feels terrible that she doesn't like them back and that its somehow her fault because she seems really self-conscious), but she's the really the only person I've like for the past what'll be two years in August. Also she with her friends most of the time, and I feel like if I tell her then she'll talk to her friends about it which they may then making up all these false judgments, which I hate the thought of someone judging me without a full understanding of the situation. Idk if the judging thing is an intp thing or just because everyone in my house besides me is a XXXJ in combination with perpetual internal monlogue.
 

Jennywocky

guud languager
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#5
I'm 17, I just graduated high school. I haven't told her anything yet I just drop hints all the time, but its as if every time shes with me my thoughts stop and I can't think of a sensible way to phrase "I fucking love you" since that's how I feel.
It seemed to come out perfectly fine right there.
Just sayin'.

When im not around her, however, i can think of something so perfect, but it just slips away when i see her. I just think that I'll sound to desperate or something because she already told me she hates when guys tell her they like her ( I think its because she feels terrible that she doesn't like them back and that its somehow her fault because she seems really self-conscious), but she's the really the only person I've like for the past what'll be two years in August.
Well, I guess then regardless of how you say it, you're risking the friendship to initiate saying something like that to her.

Also she with her friends most of the time, and I feel like if I tell her then she'll talk to her friends about it which they may then making up all these false judgments, which I hate the thought of someone judging me without a full understanding of the situation. Idk if the judging thing is an intp thing or just because everyone in my house besides me is a XXXJ in combination with perpetual internal monlogue.
The problem is, if she's the kind of person who talks to her friends in order for her to decide how she feels about you, do you want to be with someone who is like that?

I mean, it's one thing to tell your friends in order to get them to tell you what to do; it's another to tell your friends simply because they're your friends and you're letting them know how you feel about someone....

So if she's worth her salt and interested in you, then her friends shouldn't change her mind. If she's not interested in you, then her friends' opinion won't really be changing anything anyway.
 
Joined
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#6
The problem is, if she's the kind of person who talks to her friends in order for her to decide how she feels about you, do you want to be with someone who is like that?
I don't think she makes decisions based on what her friends think, I just hate the thought of the possibility of her friends judging me when they don't even know . For instance I know her one friend likes me and she takes events and then twists them when she's telling other people to make it seem like I like her, and I hate it cause that's not how it went down and I don't.
 

Jennywocky

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#7
I don't think she makes decisions based on what her friends think, I just hate the thought of the possibility of her friends judging me when they don't even know . For instance I know her one friend likes me and she takes events and then twists them when she's telling other people to make it seem like I like her, and I hate it cause that's not how it went down and I don't.
I know. I don't like that either -- it's actually one of my pet peeves. call me a bitch if I'm actually being a jerk (and I'll 'fess up to it); but I despise being misjudged or having people lie about me, it really frustrates me. People who twist stuff around to further their own appearance and goals are peddlers of unreality.

It sucks in that stage of life too, where peers are more liable to be short-sighted and unfair in their judgements, or are willing to lie to get what they want. People usually wise up a bit later, once they get some more life lived; but mostly everyone just sees their own perspective and doesn't perceive multiple views.

I hope at least you can keep enjoying her company, even if you are not sure how to proceed. Some stuff will just happen in time. Maybe if she ends up liking you, she'll initiate the conversation and you won't have to worry about what to say....
 
Joined
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#8
I hope at least you can keep enjoying her company, even if you are not sure how to proceed. Some stuff will just happen in time. Maybe if she ends up liking you, she'll initiate the conversation and you won't have to worry about what to say....

Most of the time she is the one who initiates the conversation because I'm way to lazy to go up to her and actually make an effort she was actually the first one to start talking to me. We rode the bus together and one she touched my hair and started fangirling and in my mind I was like "what are you doing you're drawing attention to me and I don't like it, but you're pretty so Idk what to do". She also annoyed me at first cause she would yell my name down the hallway and say hi. Then she calmed down as we started talking more and just always asked me questions so I thought "this is great, I don't have to put any effort into this" and then I asked her to hangout and whenever I could hangout she couldn't and whenever she could, I couldn't. except for the two times we did in which we hungout for a while and she seemed to enjoy it. She still initiates the conversation 9/10 times though.
 

Jennywocky

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#9
Well, that's a positive. She at least seems interested from her end. It's just hard to evaluate what that means exactly, since everyone is different. But she's at least interested in interacting with you.
 
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