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What's the most devastating come-back you have ever said?

ashitaria

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I'm not telling you, stalker! :P
I'm bored, that's one reason why I'm posting this.

I also haven't posted much in the lounge, that's the second reason why I'm posting this.

And I'm looking for something funny, that's the third reason why I'm posting this.

So come at me. :beatyou:
 

Mello

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Re: What's the most devasting come-back you have ever said?

You're ugly.
 

Words

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Re: What's the most devasting come-back you have ever said?

Ok man, sure.

--

I'm personally not very fond of those. Why are you interested in this? Humor, Pride, Social Status?
 

bovinity

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Re: What's the most devasting come-back you have ever said?

oh god I've ran so many people into the ground over the past few months with only a few words

but I can only remember the instances, not what was actually said...
 

ashitaria

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I'm not telling you, stalker! :P
Re: What's the most devasting come-back you have ever said?

You're ugly.
That one kills.

XD

But only if the guy is caught of guard and you don't mind having a guilty conscious.

@Words, No I don't have a hidden motive for this thread. I'm bored, brain-dead, and practically dying.
 

Alice?

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Re: What's the most devasting come-back you have ever said?

"Your mother was a hampster and your father smelt of ELDERBERRIES!"

Wait... maybe that wasn't me.
;)
 

Sparrow

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Fuck you.
 

Jennywocky

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"You never really loved me."
 

Mary

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I say witty things all the time (so others tell me) but I don't really notice 'these'. I just like making snide comments that everyone else thinks are normal things to say but they have hidden meanings.
 

ashitaria

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I'm not telling you, stalker! :P
Hm...

I remember a few conversations...

A: Fuck you
Me: I bet you would if you could.

A: You're stupid.
Me: Stupidity is beyond your comprehension.

A: You failed at your mom last night.
Me: You failed at your cat last night.

A: Your face makes me bleed.
B: I might be stupid, but you're dumb, and at least I can get plastic surgery.

A: Your mom is so fat she falls of both sides of the bed.
B: You're so ugly your reflection quit it's job. (I know I know, online jokes)

A: Go back to space.
B: Go back into your cat.

A: You suck.
B: At least I don't suck it.

A: You're a fag.
B: And you would be at the front of the line.

A: No you stupid!
B: Yes you dumbass!

A: You're such a wierdo.
B: And you're such a fag.
A: You're the fag.
B: In your butt.

A: That doesn't make any sense.
B: You don't make any sense.

A: Speak proper English.
B: I'm pretty sure that my English is better than your monkey, thank you very much.

A: You're too stupid to understand this question.
B: You're too fat to look at your toes.
A: I'm not fat.
B: But your mother was.

A: Shut up.
B: Over your dick?

All of these are come-backs that I have used repeatedly for many years. All I can say is that they work because what the person says lead to one of the above. But they're getting old so I need some new ones. :(
 

Cavallier

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"I apologize for this and I know that we are supposed to be friends but what you are failing to realize is that I don't give a damn about you." Then I shrugged and walked away.

That was directed at a horrible roommate I had one year. Bleh.

The other one I can think of right now was really quite liberating:

Irritating customer: What do you mean you STILL don't have my magazine in stock?

Me: I can't do anything about it. I have to wait for the distributor to send it to me.
If you want your magazine on time regularly you should get a subscription.

Irritating Customer: That's just not good enough! You're losing money here!

Me: What would you like me to do to alleviate this situation?

Irritating Customer: Well...I...*huffs*

Me: Would you like me to smilingly give you some bullshit answer that will make you feel better? Is that what you want?

I hate people.
 

Cognisant

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For when somebody does something stupid:
Personally I'd (insert advice here), but maybe that's just me, I don't like (insert consequence here).

For example I'm moving some very heavy stock through a small aisle and when asked to move some idiot customer flattens themself up against the shelves, hence "Personally I'd get out of the way, but maybe that's just me, I don't like getting crushed into shelving by passing boxes of furniture..." which was followed by a snide "thank you" when they moved.

A: Fuck you
B: Get in line.

A: You're stupid.
B: Yes, evidently I'm the stupid one. (takes about five seconds to sink in)

A: You failed at your mom last night.
B: Then teach me oh masterful motherfucker.

A: Your face makes me bleed.
B: For reference, it's called a head-butt.

A: Your mom is so fat she falls of both sides of the bed.
B: Dude, my mum has cancer, are you proud of yourself now?
("Your mom" jokes really don't work on me)

A: Go back to space.
B: No-no, I have to probe you first.

A: You suck.
B: You blow, I should know.

A: You're a fag.
B: In your dreams.

A: No you stupid!
B: How ironic.

A: You're such a wierdo.
B: Thank you, I'm sure one day you'll be interesting too.

A: That doesn't make any sense.
B: I'm sorry, let me dumb it down for you.

A: Speak proper English.
B: How would you know?

Or

A: You're too stupid to understand this question.
B: Pardon? (ignore hir)

A: Shut up.
B: Ladies first.
 

ashitaria

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I'm not telling you, stalker! :P
For when somebody does something stupid:
Personally I'd (insert advice here), but maybe that's just me, I don't like (insert consequence here).

For example I'm moving some very heavy stock through a small aisle and when asked to move some idiot customer flattens themself up against the shelves, hence "Personally I'd get out of the way, but maybe that's just me, I don't like getting crushed into shelving by passing boxes of furniture..." which was followed by a snide "thank you" when they moved.

A: Fuck you
B: Get in line.

A: You're stupid.
B: Yes, evidently I'm the stupid one. (takes about five seconds to sink in)

A: You failed at your mom last night.
B: Then teach me oh masterful motherfucker.

A: Your face makes me bleed.
B: For reference, it's called a head-butt.

A: Your mom is so fat she falls of both sides of the bed.
B: Dude, my mum has cancer, are you proud of yourself now?
("Your mom" jokes really don't work on me)

A: Go back to space.
B: No-no, I have to probe you first.

A: You suck.
B: You blow, I should know.

A: You're a fag.
B: In your dreams.

A: No you stupid!
B: How ironic.

A: You're such a wierdo.
B: Thank you, I'm sure one day you'll be interesting too.

A: That doesn't make any sense.
B: I'm sorry, let me dumb it down for you.

A: Speak proper English.
B: How would you know?

Or

A: You're too stupid to understand this question.
B: Pardon? (ignore hir)

A: Shut up.
B: Ladies first.
Amazing come-backs :D. I'll be using those. Now I have variety. ;)
 

Jennywocky

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...Me: Would you like me to smilingly give you some bullshit answer that will make you feel better? Is that what you want?
You never had an instinct for this customer service stuff, did you? *ROFL*
(that's exactly what they want.)

I hate people.
I've seen you before:

 

Cavallier

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You never had an instinct for this customer service stuff, did you? *ROFL*
(that's exactly what they want.)
Ha! Yes, it's true that every time a customer comes up to me I have to fight the urge to run...or kick them in the face. ;) In all seriousness though, I'm a supervisor where I work and this customer had come in every day for a week. The salesmen had given her every feel better line in the Customer Service book they could think of and they were at the breaking point. They called me in to be a jerk. Like I said, it was liberating. :D

I am like that illustration though. Especially after a long day at work. I think most people are lucky I don't just punch them to begin the conversation some days. I should start doing Tai Chi or Yoga. Maybe read a little Laozi.
 

warryer

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I say witty things all the time (so others tell me) but I don't really notice 'these'. I just like making snide comments that everyone else thinks are normal things to say but they have hidden meanings.
Exactly. I do this too because you have to be "smart" (in a searching for something deeper sense) to know what I'm talking about. When I do meet a person who understands what I'm saying I make amends and we become very good friends.

I think the devastating come-backs you are talking about are the ones that only come out when somebody gets the bright idea to give me crap when I'm doing my own thing. I don't even know how I string together the perfect set of words but, it involves not thinking about it... I surprise myself sometimes.

This one time a "friend" and his friends started giving me shit because I was the new guy in the group. I decided I had enough so I told my "friend" how desparate he was because he was failing hard at trying to "pick-up" this girl. I compared it to the time he decided to smoke a bowl of stems and seeds to get high- to pepper in some patheticness and noobness. He shut up and the girl got pissed because she lost her lap dog.

One of my real friends who I came with afterwards told me that I know how to talk shit. My ego grew. :smoker:
 
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Once when I was really mad I told someone that what they said was indicative of a lack of a prefrontal cortex. They then raucously laughed at me, and openly admitted that they did not comprehend what I just said
 

Alice?

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Once when I was really mad I told someone that what they said was indicative of a lack of a prefrontal cortex. They then raucously laughed at me, and openly admitted that they did not comprehend what I just said
Win.
 

snowqueen

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The all-purpose minimalist put down - best delivered with a flat tone and disinterested stare until the idiot turns away in confusion and embarrassment:

oh
 

Hawkeye

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"you're right"
 

Gunnarsson

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-Idiot! (or any other offensive word)
-Gunnarsson, pleased to meet you!
 

asmit127

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Do these have to be defending yourself or just shut someone who's being stupid up? I'll assume the latter.

At work a girl who's always got something wrong with her was mocking someone for being off sick, again. My response? "How's your leg? Oh no, that was yesterday..." and I went back to working. One day she'll get the idea that bitching about those who aren't near enough to hear is of no interest to me. The silence (the longest in the 18 months we've been sitting opposite each other) was well worth the scowl from my manager :)
 

RobertJ

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I have a very fat cousin who's conscious about his weight, and he was looking at some photos he had just gotten developed. He said, "I don't like this picture, I look fat in it."

So I said, "It's just a bad angle."
 

Jah

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...how appropriate. You fight like a cow.
 

Cogito

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A: Your face makes me bleed.
B: I might be stupid, but you're dumb, and at least I can get plastic surgery.
I'm having a bit of trouble comprehending this one. Enlighten me with your nugget of wit, dear ashitaria.
 

y4r5xeym5

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Re: What's the most devasting come-back you have ever said?

"Your mother was a hampster and your father smelt of ELDERBERRIES!"

Wait... maybe that wasn't me.
;)
The woman who carried you in her womb for your gestation period and later expelled you from her vagina has such an excess of adipose tissue that one could reap cardiovascular benefits simply from taking a brisk walk around her person.

Your turn :smoker:
 

Ezro

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This one time, my sister's friend asked me if I was gay 'cause Haku(from Naruto) was my favorie character, and I said "No, that make's you a lesbian 'cause you like my sister" nothing but silence later;)
 

Felan

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I have one specific for Zynga Poker (I play it from my FaceBook on occassion):

Them (if they feel someone takes too long): Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Me: If you need to be somewhere, click the "To Lobby" button and you'll get there much quicker.
 

HecticRat

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It's not really a comeback, but when I went to a party once a friend of a friend scored with (made out with and got the number of) the only single girl there - a barely legal high school girl. After making out with her for the first time that night, whenever she wasn't present, he would relentlessly applaud himself for his shameful achievement and constantly remind us that "She says she's into open relationships. *raise eyebrows*"

After a while everyone was getting tired of it and so I after about the hundredth time he said "open relationship", I said, "That means I can take her home with me tonight, right?" at which point he brushed what I said off with contrived indifference over a few laughs. He did manage to play it down enough to save face, but for the rest of the night, whenever I was anywhere in her vicinity or said anything to her he would flagrantly interject, much to my and a few others' amusement. It also succeeded in shutting him up.
 

Adymus

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At my former college there used to be days when fundamentalist christians would stand on the quad holding signs that were offensive to just about every minority that you could think of. I, and many other would gather around them arguing and yelling at them. These were some of the greatest days of my life.

Him: "Well it comes down to this: either you are right or I am right, if you are right then nothing happens after we die, and if I am right, then you're going to hell, and I'm not."

Me: "No, you are suggesting that there is a 50% chance that either of us are right, that could only be true if our points of view were the only two possibilities. There is not just the possibility of other religions being right, there their is also the possibility that no one has come up with the right answer, meaning there is an infinite amount of other possibilities that could be right. So the odds of you being right are actually in the ball park of 1 out of infinity. Suddenly my position of 'We don't know' doesn't seem so bad does it?"


he had absolutely no idea what the fuck I was talking about.... Ne inferior for the fucking win.
 

ashitaria

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I'm not telling you, stalker! :P
At my former college there used to be days when fundamentalist christians would stand on the quad holding signs that were offensive to just about every minority that you could think of. I, and many other would gather around them arguing and yelling at them. These were some of the greatest days of my life.

Him: "Well it comes down to this: either you are right or I am right, if you are right then nothing happens after we die, and if I am right, then you're going to hell, and I'm not."

Me: "No, you are suggesting that there is a 50% chance that either of us are right, that could only be true if our points of view were the only two possibilities. There is not just the possibility of other religions being right, there their is also the possibility that no one has come up with the right answer, meaning there is an infinite amount of other possibilities that could be right. So the odds of you being right are actually in the ball park of 1 out of infinity. Suddenly my position of 'We don't know' doesn't seem so bad does it?"


he had absolutely no idea what the fuck I was talking about.... Ne inferior for the fucking win.
Lol, I always thought of that stupid stand for Christianity. What your comeback and my comeback said was very very similar, but I mentioned astral planes too.

And he had no idea what you were talking about? You were in college?

Wow. If that's the case, he's a real dumb-ass.
 

Adymus

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Lol, I always thought of that stupid stand for Christianity. What your comeback and my comeback said was very very similar, but I mentioned astral planes too.

And he had no idea what you were talking about? You were in college?

Wow. If that's the case, he's a real dumb-ass.
That's ISTJ for you, you say one thing that does not align with what they have been told their entire life and they'll have no idea about what you are even saying.

if I brought up Astral planes his head would have exploded.
 

ashitaria

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I'm not telling you, stalker! :P
That's ISTJ for you, you say one thing that does not align with what they have been told their entire life and they'll have no idea about what you are even saying.

if I brought up Astral planes his head would have exploded.
Never really been a fan of SJs or FJs. You should have just let his head explode. :p
 

Cognisant

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After a while everyone was getting tired of it and so I after about the hundredth time he said "open relationship", I said, "That means I can take her home with me tonight, right?"
Lol, that was fantastic :D
 

jachian

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I remember someone making an insulting remark.......

I said nothing........ looked in their direction for a second............ stood up ... turned my back to them and walked away.

The person looked like a fool..... no one ever said that again.
 

snowqueen

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I remember someone making an insulting remark.......

I said nothing........ looked in their direction for a second............ stood up ... turned my back to them and walked away.

The person looked like a fool..... no one ever said that again.
mmmmmmmm (appreciative) niiiiice!
 

Escape Artist

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Referring to a friend who recently told me he wished he "had a gun..."

"Fuck you. I've already survived one gun suicide. I can survive another."

Luckily, I (most of the time) think things through before I blurt. Although it never came out of my mouth, I surprised myself with such a cutting and cruel thought. Needless to say, he's been a true test of friendship.
 

bovinity

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Yesterday with friends waiting for my sister and her girlfriend to see Clash of the Titans:

Friend #1: Dude, where are they?
Friend #2: Probably off being lesbians
Me: Uhh, they're lesbians all the time. What ELSE are they doing?
Friend #2: ...I got nothing

Afterwards, a hypothetical conversation between Perseus and Zeus after the movie

Perseus: You raped my mother! You should feel ashamed!
Zeus: lol, you're a rape baby
 

HumidDesert

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I am also curious about this. How can i gorgeously describe to the cheerleader who sits next to me and flirts with me in grometry, that she is quite possibly the dumbest person ive ever met and needs to leave me alone?:beatyou:
 

warryer

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I am also curious about this. How can i gorgeously describe to the cheerleader who sits next to me and flirts with me in grometry, that she is quite possibly the dumbest person ive ever met and needs to leave me alone?:beatyou:
Geometry you say?

"Look, my square peg will not fit in your round hole. It's not meant to be." :p

I don't know it might have the opposite effect.
 

s0nystyle

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Geometry you say?

"Look, my square peg will not fit in your round hole. It's not meant to be." :p

I don't know it might have the opposite effect.
ROFL WOW is this a gag reel or an insult form? :p
 

Cognisant

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To theists who annoy me: Go to heaven *said with a big smile*
 

Thoughtful

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I don't remember many of them, there have been so many. but this one is memorable because it got the most "oooohh Buuurn!" and "ouch" reactions from the other guys present.

"The only girl Dave (me) here could ever attract is an Amoeba"
"True, sadly you can't attract even them, Jealous?"
 
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