Sleepy delirious ramblings/cry for help

[Vilham2]

I'v been between neutral and depressed for years because I can't find anyone in my life who is both intellectually stimulating and morally sound. I have pretty much given up on finding friends and have fallen into the classic INTP trap of near total social isolation.

I decided to check out this forum because maybe(probably) someone here can explain/help. It not like it's intolerable but the constant grey of life is wearing on me and I am drained all the time. I'm in between bored and irritated with my classes because most professors it seems are SJ types and enjoy cultivating stupidity. I have a few acquaintances that I talk to after class or during projects but no one that I actually hang out with.

Yeah this seems out of place here (sorry) but i'm drowning. This feels like the immature ramblings of an articulate high schooler. Oh well, I could use some wisdom.

 

[Minuend]

I was in my teenagers when I first was excluded. I have spent quite a lot of my life "alone". I guess most of the time I had at least one friend, but I've "always" felt alone.

And even though I've met people here who are more similar to me, I still tend to feel apart from them. Like I'm not one of them, like them. They are more intelligent than me, intellectual. My intelligence is not anything to speak of. But I don't feel I fit in with those who are "normal" either, we don't share interests or perspectives.

I guess my curiosity and open mindedness have gotten me to abandon that ship, but I don't have the mental ability to fit in with the intelligent. I feel like an imposter. Some people will think I am smart, it is just a matter of time before they call my bluff.

Feeling alienated is a very basic feeling in my being. My mental picture of me is that of a crooked man standing by a silent lake, covered by the darkness of night. His arms are folded around him.



I've been on and off depression for more than a decade. A few years ago, I spent 1 and a half year where my only social life were my immediate family.

I still wonder if it will ever change.

 

[snafupants]

I'v been between neutral and depressed for years because I can't find anyone in my life who is both intellectually stimulating and morally sound.

Maybe the problem is attempting to manufacture from without a satisfaction that you aren't feeling within. Why aren't you feeling inner joy? I can't say without more information.

I should suggest, though, that the higher you ascend the mountaintop, the more people you leave behind. Very intelligent people, many of whom are introverted, usually aren't satisfied with visceral experiences. In essence, the more idiosyncratic your expectations or person, the harder it will be to find a suitable complement in the environment.

He who knows others is learned; he who knows himself is wise.

I can't fault Lao Tzu too much for sexism, but you really need to question what makes you happy. I know what gets me off, and so I read and write through most of the day.

By understanding your likes and dislikes, the hope is that you can augment the former and downplay the latter. It would be ideal to not predicate your psychological well-being on vicissitudes - simply put, there might not always been an intellectual peer, etc. around. Your expectations should be aligned with this reality.

 

[redbaron]

Can you find joy in solitude? I was a loner in my school years as well. I had trouble ever finding a group of friends I wanted to really be with. "I can't find anyone in my life who is both intellectually stimulating and morally sound" sounds like a pretty apt description of my life as a teenager. I had a lot of acquaintances I suppose, I was on friendly terms with most people.

It doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing. You should try to to take advantage of your solitude to pursue mastery over something. An intellectual or creative pursuit that you can really enjoy. I like having freedom and solitude, and I have always chosen it above relationships for their own sake.

I guess the only part of my life that I struggle with is that it's difficult to connect with people when you spend so much time in isolation. I'm not necessarily looking for a special someone, but it would be nice to find someone to share in some of the things I enjoy. I've had girlfriends, but it's difficult to maintain a relationship when my interests are so far removed from theirs.

When all of your intellectual and creative pursuits in life have been made in complete solitude, how do you open up to others and include them in those? How do you find someone who can if not understand, at least appreciate and value your inner world?

I wouldn't go as far to blame it on the fact, but it seems like people in the same age bracket as myself are vastly different to me. I can connect with a lot of adults easily, always have. I can sit down and converse with someone in middle-age easily and find enough in common to hold a conversation, but ask me to converse with someone my age and there's nothing to say. The conversation just seems so vapid and dull, I can't even feign interest in the things that they want to talk about.

So yeah anyway, I think you need to find an outlet to channel your energy into. Playing drums was mine, and it was as much intellectual as emotional. I also played sports as a teenager, which served for most of my social interaction outside of school. I think it was also important for me, having that experience and I suppose routine. I dedicated myself to mastery in sports and music, which served as my outlet. I was under no illusions as to my ability to ever make a career out of basketball (5'10 skinny white kid ), but that didn't mean I couldn't compete fiercely and at least reach my potential.

 

[snafupants]

Can you find joy in solitude?

I have, but I will read the rest of your post.

The question for me is: can I find joy amongst people?

I can't always convey my joy and uplift others.

It doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing. You should try to to take advantage of your solitude to pursue mastery over something. An intellectual or creative pursuit that you can really enjoy. I like having freedom and solitude, and I have always chosen it above relationships for their own sake.

If the intellectual stuff does it for you, knock yourself out.

I guess the only part of my life that I struggle with is that it's difficult to connect with people when you spend so much time in isolation. I'm not necessarily looking for a special someone, but it would be nice to find someone to share in some of the things I enjoy. I've had girlfriends, but it's difficult to maintain a relationship when my interests are so far removed from theirs.

When all of your intellectual and creative pursuits in life have been made in complete solitude, how do you open up to others and include them in those? How do you find someone who can if not understand, at least appreciate and value your inner world?

I find it much easier to connect to others post-enlightenment.

You need to help yourself before you can aid other people.

I wouldn't go as far to blame it on the fact, but it seems like people in the same age bracket as myself are vastly different to me.

The forum caters to such people. I was of the ilk.

So yeah anyway, I think you need to find an outlet to channel your energy into. Playing drums was mine, and it was as much intellectual as emotional.

I learned Beatles tunes on the guitar and piano. To each his own.

 

[Vilham2]

I'm really enjoying reading these perspectives. I have had a pretty narrow view of what I do and it seems like I need to struggle and branch out some.

I used to play music (oboe specifically) for years but I had to quit after I developed lungs that like to collapse for no good reason. I have thought about doing chorus or something but never actually mustered the energy to go and do it.

I think the main problem is expectation of doing well in school when it is a largely dissatisfying experience. I'm not enjoying what I'm doing, I'm not good at what I'm doing. Schedules, projects, homework bah. The thing is I need this to pursue my interest in programming, so I don't really have a choice - and I hate being forced into something.

It's really not the end of the world.