Popular INTP?

[Staywhatyouare]

Although i am 100% INTP ( my father is intp as well), ever since childhood I've always had a natural ability to make friends very easily ( probably due to the influence of my esfj mother....curse her...). Anyways while this probably is a stupid thing to complain about, I find this this is a source of a lot of stress for me. Since I tend to make friends ( or at least acquaintances) easily.....I feel as if people come to expect too much from me. I feel like all of my friends expect me to be their best friend, which obviously can't be the case for all of them.

They are all good people....but there are very few of them which I can actuallly connect with on a deeper level. I find myself in a lot of awkward situations where I feel like I'm expected to be the center of attention, but I have nothing to say. People don't realize that the "me" they encounter 1 on 1 (very open, honest, comfortable, energetic etcl) is a completely different "me" than they'll see at large social events ( disconnected, aloof, preferring to remain unnoticed.

This added to the fact that I''m a junior in college, am attending a private school that is predominantly rich spoiled kids while I'm just getting by on student loans make matters even worse. I don't really connect with anyone here, and of course the few people in my life that I actually want to be close to are the the ones I can't be honest with.


The problem is only getting worse as I get older, because as much as I despise an abundance of socializing, I also recognize its value both in terms of being healthy and also when it comes to networking and getting jobs post-graduation. Acquinatancses are a resource, the more i have the better. I'm an intp on the inside, but feel as if i mimic an esfj very often because i know how to and i see the benefits.

But I just can't deal with all the socializing that everyone in my life expects me to do, and I don't know how to get out of it without hurting feelings.

Help/advice/anything?

 

[Anthile]

If you don't know the answer, nobody else does.

 

[Words]

Simply stop socializing.

I've had a slightly similar situation(social mandatory), the answer I've placed forth was that same plain answer of self-release.

It's much rewarding for people to hate you or in the least, know you, than people to like someone else. They will learn to understand this change. Is "hurting feelings" really so negative?

 

[Adymus]

I think you are underestimating the human ability to be understanding of your needs, just a little. Even if they are disappointed, they'll get over it, assuming they are not completely obsessed with you. And if they are, it is probably for the best that they are being distanced, and I would recommend doing more of that.

Besides giving people too much attention reduces your over all value, you gotta keep them wanting more.

 

[intuitivet]

Simply stop socializing.

I've had a slightly similar situation(social mandatory), the answer I've placed forth was that same plain answer of self-release.

It's much rewarding for people to hate you or in the least, know you, than people to like someone else. They will learn to understand this change. Is "hurting feelings" really so negative?

You've obviously never been hated before, it's far worse! (I'm currently loathed by at least two people) I agree it's good to have people know you, but it's very hard to share with people first. Usually when you share they will also, but you have to have the courage to take the first step.
Hurting feelings is negative, most people dislike inflicting pain on others and regret it when they do.

 

[Words]

You've obviously never been hated before, it's far worse! (I'm currently loathed by at least two people) I agree it's good to have people know you, but it's very hard to share with people first. Usually when you share they will also, but you have to have the courage to take the first step.

I've always considered this type of "social hate" temporary. Maybe I'm wrong..

Hurting feelings is negative, most people dislike inflicting pain on others and regret it when they do.

I wonder if it entirely is. I think there are several positives to "hurting feelings". One, liberty. Two, truth. Three, understanding. Then again, that depends on the seriousness of the offense and if the offense made was of good intention towards a more long term satisfaction. It's relative to the level of rationality--the weigh-ins of positives and negatives. A rational sacrifice, in other words.

 

[Trebuchet]

I think Adymus is right. People will understand if you schedule in some time for you. They understand schedule conflicts, and people getting overwhelmed with life. Sometimes people just have too much going on to socialize.

I've been in this exact situation (though I wasn't a popular kid, I do all right as an adult), and people don't abandon you because you say no once in a while.

 

[ashitaria]

I have a very similar situation to yours. But this is what I do:

1) Go to places where no one ever goes, or you know none of your friends go. (eg.library, outside, etc.)

2) Don't go to parties or any large social event. When people ask you to, politely decline. Don't give an excuse because then they will hold you down for it.

3) Never give away your phone number or address to anyone you know that can't keep secrets (which is generally no one). Make it clear to them that you need your alone time, and tell them nicely but firmly that you want to be left alone.

4) It's okay if you are the center of attention in classrooms, but never try to be noticed during any free time (homeroom, lunch, etc.) You will fucking regret it, because you and your books will not be left alone.

Eventually, your friends will come to respect your space and stop trying to catch you during lunch or any free time. It took me quite a while, but it was worth it. Since most of your friends are nice people (rather like mine), they will not like you any less if you do all 4.

 

[intuitivet]

I've always considered this type of "social hate" temporary. Maybe I'm wrong..


I wonder if it entirely is. I think there are several positives to "hurting feelings". One, liberty. Two, truth. Three, understanding. Then again, that depends on the seriousness of the offense and if the offense made was of good intention towards a more long term satisfaction. It's relative to the level of rationality--the weigh-ins of positives and negatives. A rational sacrifice, in other words.

Ah, well these two people hold grudges well, it depends on who ends up hating you!
I understand what you mean, it's good to be honest if you're being bothered by something, but I think it's best to approach it tactfully and try not to hurt people's feelings in the process of telling them what's wrong.

 

[Cavallier]

But I just can't deal with all the socializing that everyone in my life expects me to do, and I don't know how to get out of it without hurting feelings.

Help/advice/anything?

I've had issues with this a lot in college as well. People want to hang out all the time and I'm exhausted with social crap. I just say, "hey, look I've been pretty tired and stressed out lately so I think I'm going to take a bit of me time. I just need a break and recoup a bit. Maybe get some reading done. I'll hang out with you [insert some other time in the future] alright? Have a great time for me though!".

After a time you make this a regular occurrence. I got to the point where I'd tell people I'd love to go to some social function of some sort but it's that time of the week and I need some "Cavallier Time". It was normal enough for me to do that so people didn't get offended. If you are suave enough about it people take it all in stride.

As for the awkward expectation to perform at parties and social stuff I've just developed a few stories, a few tricks, and a few games that get me through most situations. What exactly are people expecting of you anyway? Is the problem that you feel like you aren't socializing enough during parties? I usually just ask people questions about themselves. People love to talk about themselves so all you have to do is ask them to start. Parties or whatever sort of social gatherings you go to are so much easier when college students go to them. Just ask them their major. Ask them what they like to do. Ask them where they are from. *shrug* This gets me through most stuff. If I'm expected to respond more than usual in that sort of conversation I just use my intuition to help me ask the right sort of questions or prod the conversation back into life. Actually, most of the time I find myself mildly amused or even interested in what the other people are majoring in or what they are currently studying. I often learn things.

 

[ijustprotectedmyidentity]

be vulnerable be yourself say what you feel dont be afraid of peoples perceptions about you.

be vulnerable

 

[HecticRat]

I've felt as if I've had too many friends before (considering the kind of people they were though, I didn't consider myself popular because of it, lol). Looking back on it, I guess the problem wasn't so much that I had too many, but that I had hung around with too many different cliques. I had my elementary and high school friends clique, my nerdy friends clique, an ESTP buddy, my work friends and an ESFJ and her INFJ sister. Each of them would only call on me about once a week, but if you know how to count, that leaves me busy almost every day of the week - and that's without counting both school and work.

At first it was out of control. I would agree to hang out with someone whenever they called on me and I rarely ever had any time to myself. Eventually I just couldn't take it anymore though and I had to tell them I couldn't hang out because I was just too exhausted or not in the mood. In some cases it was awkward and I could tell some people were unhappy hearing it, but hey, I'd given them the impression that I was always available for them so it isn't really a surprise. I dug myself that hole to climb out of.

But in the end everything worked out. I didn't lose any friends, I just became more distant with some of them. I still hang out with all of them too when I have the chance and I'm in the mood, it's just not every day.

It's funny that most of us (INTPs) seem to get ourselves caught in this situation at some point or another (at least the guys seem to, anyway. I dunno about the girls). In my case it was because I'd share some experience with someone I had no emotional connection with and then, despite not necessarily wanting to pursue anything further with them, I'd feel like it would be a huge dick move if I didn't make it seem like I did. After a while these instances piled up and I had more friends than I had time for.

...And now that I think about that, I realize I haven't even solved that problem. I just kinda avoid any opportunity to make a personal connection with new people so that I can't guilt trip myself into making another friend who'll take up even more of my time. Oh, me and my quick fixes.

 

[bluesquid]

This goes for all of you, if you have to over think it, its doomed.

Unless you change, to fit them. "you" work, you make it work, or "you" dont. That simple, people have done it effortlessly for thousands of years.

 

[Geminii]

Manage your social time. Arrange a little more "me" time.

Oh, and going to junior college with a whole bunch of rich spoiled kids who think you're their best friend? Even just maintaining a base level of interaction there could open up huge opportunities later on in life. You might not want to completely drown in that bucket of cream there, but it couldn't hurt to do a bit of paddling. If nothing else, it's a good chance to learn the A-list social interactions and commonalities - being able to hobnob with the silver spooners on their own level can be a great skill to have under your belt.

 

[harpman]

But I just can't deal with all the socializing that everyone in my life expects me to do, and I don't know how to get out of it without hurting feelings.

In the end, I don't care if I fail miserably at life as long as I've lived it being who I am.

 

[shadowdrums4]

I never really had a problem making friends. I'm pretty much echoing everyone else here, just let them know you need your alone time. My friends are used to me disappearing for weeks at a time and know that large parties with strangers and I don't mix. I'm okay with going to small parties with people I know as long as I don't have to be there the whole time. Usually my brother has his friends over almost all the time and they know my room is off limits if I'm there. Sometimes they'll come in and ask me to do something but if I say no they don't ask again. You just have to make yourself clear. People understand usually.

 

[CoryJames]

I can sympathize with you here. I have had a lot of people approach me socially and it makes me think that they WANT or EXPECT things from me. Then I think that they are putting me in a position that I am definitely not comfortable in, and I have to decide between pulling back to be by myself where things are comfortable and easy, or I have to put myself out there in a situation I don't understand and its tiring and draining.

What you need to understand is that these people don't think about it like that. We INTPs don't view social advances like most other types. What we see as wants, expectations, and demands for things that are tiring or draining or uncomfortable are friendly gestures and pleasurable things to other types, the same way a nice wikipedia safari is pleasurable for us, or a research journey into the relative benefits of Marxist ideology.

I wish I could have understood this sooner. I am a 19 year old senior, and the vast, vast majority of my friendships are just superficial acquaintances People now view me as cocky and arrogant and they think I believe I am "too good for them" because I don't reciprocate their social and friendly advances.

In the end you need to do what you believe is right for you. If what makes you happy is being alone, doing your own thing, you need to find a way to show people that you aren't trying to be mean or hurt feelings, but you need your own space. Just be warned. Most people (other types) can't objectify things. They are not going to be very understanding of this, and they will probably feel as though you dislike them, despite how hard you try to show them the truth. This is because they can't detach from their emotional response from you not reciprocating their friendship and need for emotional empathy and see that what is right for you just doesn't match what is right for them. You could very well end up in a position where if you WANTED a friend or a close relationship you would be hard pressed to find one.

 

[Pants]

Never talk to anyone without eight beers in your belly.

First, you'll likely enjoy socializing a lot more. Second, you know all those people that you really have no interest in but they just keep hanging 'round and you're just too polite to ditch them? They'll figure it out. Third, you know those people that really should be your friends but that you never really manage to meet? You'll figure it out.

Trust me. I make and lose most my friends in a balls-to-the-wall black-out drunk. Hangovers and handcuffs notwithstanding, good times.

 

[I'mProbablyanINTP]

OP hits it home. Give them an inch they'll take a mile.

I'm the most loyal friend any of my friends will ever know, but I don't need to be joined at the hip with them like they need to feel with me.

My mates have grown used to me ignoring my phone some days, they know I'm just "in a mood". Some people can't handle it, but my current mates can, so that's awesome and I respect them the more for it, and show them more trust and support for it.

Find people who understand you for you, reject the rest, and keep your head up.

 

[Frecnhtosd]

Ive hardly ever met someone that i hate. i'm aslo very social for an INTP, at least i was in elementary school, then i gained some common sense, and realized that people stopped giving a shit about my weird theories.

and i relate to OP completely, im open when i meet someone one on one, but in a social events there like....who IS this kid!!!!

 

[miyuki]

Second, you know all those people that you really have no interest in but they just keep hanging 'round and you're just too polite to ditch them? They'll figure it out. Third, you know those people that really should be your friends but that you never really manage to meet? You'll figure it out.

i just love that. honesty is the kindest in the end. if you never really liked someone, not pretending you do in the first place saves a lot of heartache.

personally, i would want a person i like tell me, "i don't like you because you are a complete bore." rather then pretend from the beginning. eventually, you do figure it out, that it's not genuine.

it's a pain not to be liked by someone you like, but it's agonizing to be in denial. (of course they like me!) if that makes sense. this goes for people who actually like you and might be hurt by it. the rest, who cares. they don't.