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NT x NT marriage

r4ch3l

conc/ptu/||/
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#1
In a recent thread there was a discussion about the hypothesis that modern marriage is failing because of Disney-movie-like expectations of love and eternal feelings of lust and infatuation...when in reality most marriage was much more practical in the past to the point where it could be compared to a business transaction.

Most of my shorter relationships and attractions have been to ENFPs or suspected ENFPs. I think I was drawn to them because they had things I lacked in myself and wanted to cultivate and because we always had such a high degree of fun together that larger communication problems could be swept under the rug without feeling like something was being avoided. I think that this attraction-based-on-lack mirrors the love-based-on-projection that we were discussing in the other thread and perhaps sets up such a pairing for long-term failure if expectations aren't tempered or if a high degree of freedom/unconventionality isn't afforded as part of the marriage contract.

My longest and most intense relationship has been with an INTJ. We were long-distance and both going through a lot of life changes at the time so it was hard to make it work. I feel like he is the only person who has ever understood me at a fundamental level and I feel like maybe this is important for an NT...or maybe especially for a female NT. While I was hurt that his world domination/pursuit of money got in the way of the relationship before (work is always going to be #1) now I am seeing that maybe this detached and almost sociopathic nature of INTJs in life and in love is actually excellent for marriage, especially marriage to an INTP who values her independence. I appreciating having decisive people as friends and partners to help push me past my comfort zone and spur me into action; the INTJ completes me in less of a fill-the-void-with-what-I-don't-inherently-have (extroversion, need for sensation, feelngs by proxy) way and more in a functional (I already have the plans, now help me find any holes and put them into action) way.

Any NT x NT marriages here, specifically INTP x INTJ? Struggles? Successes? Lessons learned?
 

kvothe27

Active Member
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#2
I appreciating having decisive people as friends and partners to help push me past my comfort zone and spur me into action; the INTJ completes me in less of a fill-the-void-with-what-I-don't-inherently-have (extroversion, need for sensation, feelngs by proxy) way and more in a functional (I already have the plans, now help me find any holes and put them into action) way.
What do you think will happen if you develop those latent potentials via the INTJ? Will you still enjoy the INTJ's company when the INTJ is no longer needed for such things? You may find that you yourself can be decisive, but have alienated this potential and projected it onto the INTJ. Over time, the projections may crack, and the INTJ's preoccupation with work and domination may cause tension in the relationship. The INTJ may then become even more preoccupied with work and domination to make up for the fact that you no longer actually need him.

The authors contend that intimate/candid association is a basic need of the ego because it provides the ego with an accurate measure with which to expand the self. It can also lead to localized self-acceptance if the partner provides an accurate measure who also accepts what's measured. Projection, trying to fulfill this need via work (particularization), etc., can block the fulfillment of this need. I don't see a problem with the relationship if conversation is candid/intimate, all else being equal (you guys can have fun or whatever).

But, of course, I lack experience in such things, so take my theoretical interests and musings with a large grain of salt.

Also, here's a link to a website with some statistics on temperament pairing satisfaction rates:

http://oddlydevelopedtypes.com/INTP
 

Architect

Professional INTP
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#5
My observations is that for long term relationships people tend to line up on the first two letters and differ on the last two. So you most couples you'll see are ESTJ with ESFP (my parents), and ISTP with ISFJ (my brother). On the intuitive side INTP with INFJ is called "the golden couple" (my case).

I think the reasons are clear, you need both similairity and difference to make a relationship work. My sister is a ESFP with a ISFP, and they have absolutely no head for managing money. Too much similarity, if one of them was a hard core STJ then that one would carry the money concerns.

The reasons for this are easy to see. If you have an E with an I there's too much stress and dissimilarity. One wants to go out and the other wants to stay in, and the I will not be able to satisfy the energy requirements of the E. I usually see these marriages end up in divorce, often because the E has an affair. One caveat on this however, is that with Sensors I often see, say, and ESFP with an ISTP. The ISTP's are OK with lots of outside stimulation, because as Sensors they need stimulation. I'm not sure but I suspect that, say, and ENFP with an INTJ would work out as well. Or ENFJ with INTP especially, since the INTP is one of the most introverted of the types.

On S and N, they just speak different languages. You rarely see this combination.

So now people need some differentiation, certainly T pairs with F, and P with J.

Despite all this any combination can and does work, depending on the individual. On a pure type basis however I believe an INTP-INTJ isn't optimal, but it isn't too bad either.

I know an INTJ around my age, a beautiful woman to boot. There isn't much spark there though, I can see a cool rational thinker who isn't much different from me.
 

scorpiomover

The little professor
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#6
Any NT x NT marriages here, specifically INTP x INTJ? Struggles? Successes? Lessons learned?
I've seen several female INTJs on INTJf, who are happily married to male INTPs for several years now. Seems to be quite popular.

The other way around is not so easy.

I'd suggest, that you read the threads there on dealing with an INTJ. They can be quite a handful
 

Duxwing

I've Overcome Existential Despair
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#7
I have not married and do not plan to marry, but I'm flirting with a Ni, probably Ni-Te, girl at the moment, and she's soooo sweet. :)

-Duxwing
 

r4ch3l

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#9
What do you think will happen if you develop those latent potentials via the INTJ? Will you still enjoy the INTJ's company when the INTJ is no longer needed for such things?
Sometimes I wonder if the INTJ is kind of dangling carrots of potential in front of me and then yanking them away because he worries about the same and wants to keep me around. And then sometimes I wonder if he does the opposite (waiting for me to evolve to a more independent and action-oriented state of being) to see if I still want him once I am able to implement more effortlessly (or, let's be real, at all). But for all our intellectual meshing his motives behind emotional things often remain a mystery to me.

Over time, the projections may crack, and the INTJ's preoccupation with work and domination may cause tension in the relationship. The INTJ may then become even more preoccupied with work and domination to make up for the fact that you no longer actually need him.
Something like this happened before we split up. I was too emotionally dependent on him because I was struggling to adapt to a new country and to making money in a location-independent way. I also do not deal with change well and our lives were both filled with uncertainty. I think the idea of getting back together appeals to me now because I have become more independent and clear on my goals and see that I want work to be the love of my life as well.

The authors contend that intimate/candid association is a basic need of the ego because it provides the ego with an accurate measure with which to expand the self. I don't see a problem with the relationship if conversation is candid/intimate, all else being equal (you guys can have fun or whatever).
We have a lot of fun together and can be really lighthearted and goofy. We enjoy the company of the same types of people and the same social environments. But under stress, yes, the emotional bandwidth breaks down.

Maybe I'm just being reactive because these extroverts I've been spending time with wear me the hell down and take up too much of my brainpower (dealing with interacting with multiple extroverts x sensory overload = exhausting)...and, thus, the INTJs busyness, appreciation for quiet, and intuitive ability to get me suddenly seem appealing by comparison.
 

r4ch3l

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#10
My observations is that for long term relationships people tend to line up on the first two letters and differ on the last two. So you most couples you'll see are ESTJ with ESFP (my parents), and ISTP with ISFJ (my brother). On the intuitive side INTP with INFJ is called "the golden couple" (my case).
Interesting. My dad is an ISTP and my mom is ISFJ. They aren't the most passionate folks but they've been married for 30-something years and they are functional, complementary, and fairly content in their very set ways.

I think the reasons are clear, you need both similairity and difference to make a relationship work. My sister is a ESFP with a ISFP, and they have absolutely no head for managing money. Too much similarity, if one of them was a hard core STJ then that one would carry the money concerns.
Hmmm. Me and the INTJ are both a bit grandiose and untethered to earth, which could be a huge issue. But my inherent pessimism and his un-fuck-with-able optimism kind of balance one another out in this regard. You know, if he actually listened to me.

If you have an E with an I there's too much stress and dissimilarity. One wants to go out and the other wants to stay in, and the I will not be able to satisfy the energy requirements of the E.
Yep. A harsh reality I am just now facing -- I am attracted to extroverts and when I am socializing I LOVE to be around them. But I want to do this like one night a week, and they want to do it six nights a week. It's just not functional. I like the INTJ because he masquerades as an extrovert but has understanding of and almost a longing for my hardcore introvert ways.

I know an INTJ around my age, a beautiful woman to boot. There isn't much spark there though, I can see a cool rational thinker who isn't much different from me.
That's how I saw this guy, initially. He was my traveling friend but I liked talking with him so much and didn't want to give him the wrong idea because I cared about the connection and so I refused to even kiss him for about a month. But I gave it some time and he was persistent and things changed. A lot.
 

r4ch3l

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#11
The other way around is not so easy.

I'd suggest, that you read the threads there on dealing with an INTJ. They can be quite a handful
Oh yes. I've lived it. They can be delusional, narcissistic, subtly controlling, calculated, and make the most logical NT feel like she is going crazy with their trademark blend of emotional manipulation run through the INTJ-communication-box and converted into a seemingly rational sentence.

I've been doing some black ops over on INTJf and have support for these claims from the population itself:











 
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