Greetings.
I need some help figuring out my MBTI type. I know those tests too well, as such I may need some unbiased, non stereotypical help. I am quite certain of being a 5w4, enneagram wise. I lean towards INTJ when doing tests, but I somehow think I might be an INTP. In socionics I'm ILI.
I shall skip the period of birth etc. Alienation sums it up.
Currently, I'm at a crossroad in life. Career wise. Im still a student, but I made a whole lot of mistakes along the way.. but who doesn't?
When I was younger, I used to read up a lot on taboo material. generally speaking, I don't see how the type of information would make a difference. Its more about why I was reading up on it. I wanted to know more, to stand out, intellectually, mentally. I was emotional, but only to a certain extent. Socially, slightly retarded. Now, the reason I used to read up was to find myself in a way, my interests, my future possibility. I was confused by the multiple possibilities, the endless loops and ultimately, the meaninglessness of it all. I wanted to do something meaningful and i saw information as a way to solve it. I wanted to take in all that information, and compress it, into one. In that sense, I wanted the information to back me up in life. To ultimately, give me the answer. The answer to my purpose. without any objective clean data backing me up, the future was endless and slightly overwhelming. I wanted to make the logical choice, to pick the logical option.
My family is religious so they believe in destiny etc. I resent that thinking pattern. If I allow myself to believe that, whether its true or not, I wouldn't really be doing anything with my life. I lose all freedom and individuality. I believe strongly in "working towards the future I have in mind", not just working for the sake of being a part of society. As a kid I remember saying I wanted to go to space to do research and to stay away from all the drama down here on earth.
I looked to animation, saw it as something rather interesting, and spent most of my school time mastering that skill. I was artistically, skilful, but at 15 I realised that animation wouldn't get me anywhere in life, generally speaking. Those who told me so, their logic was sound. I moved on, aimlessly, emotionally conflicted and intellectually, externally useless. My grades dropped. I never valued scoring much, what was more important to me was the why. The why factor behind the results were more important. I then took up engineering as it was the most logical option there and also one of the few my marks qualified for. Lets just say it hasn't been going well.
I now decided to pick computer science. It the most logical choice, something I enjoy and at the same time.. theres a sort of anonymously, ghostly beautiful power based role.
Along the way I decided to learn the guitar. I mastered it, but only because there was something I wanted to do with it. I can't seem to do anything or learn anything, just for the fun of it. I had plans, well thought out plans, for a hobby. Still working on it, sorta. What interested me most, was the process. If the process is reliable, I would be able to do what i wanted with it.
I grew more apathetic and cold and eventually became nihilistic.
I decided to pick up philosophy. I was, lets say unhealthy?
I used to impulsively buy as many books as I could just so I could read them. I read them because I saw them as useful for my growth, for my mental development. I was also looking for answers there. I was very cautious on who I read and limited myself to nietzsche mainly. I did read up on a whole lot more, but the whole "observational perspective with observational proof" concept won me over. In a way you could say I was trying to build up a framework for my emotions. to have them back me up so I wouldn't have to worry about them getting messy and getting in the way. I'm still in that process. I moved on to hard science novels and have an interest in quantum physics. I have a reason for everything I do, while trying to find a way to compress it all so I can transcend myself. It isn't working out yet.
Any help?
Do let me know what else I need to type for you to help me.
I need some help figuring out my MBTI type. I know those tests too well, as such I may need some unbiased, non stereotypical help. I am quite certain of being a 5w4, enneagram wise. I lean towards INTJ when doing tests, but I somehow think I might be an INTP. In socionics I'm ILI.
I shall skip the period of birth etc. Alienation sums it up.
Currently, I'm at a crossroad in life. Career wise. Im still a student, but I made a whole lot of mistakes along the way.. but who doesn't?
When I was younger, I used to read up a lot on taboo material. generally speaking, I don't see how the type of information would make a difference. Its more about why I was reading up on it. I wanted to know more, to stand out, intellectually, mentally. I was emotional, but only to a certain extent. Socially, slightly retarded. Now, the reason I used to read up was to find myself in a way, my interests, my future possibility. I was confused by the multiple possibilities, the endless loops and ultimately, the meaninglessness of it all. I wanted to do something meaningful and i saw information as a way to solve it. I wanted to take in all that information, and compress it, into one. In that sense, I wanted the information to back me up in life. To ultimately, give me the answer. The answer to my purpose. without any objective clean data backing me up, the future was endless and slightly overwhelming. I wanted to make the logical choice, to pick the logical option.
My family is religious so they believe in destiny etc. I resent that thinking pattern. If I allow myself to believe that, whether its true or not, I wouldn't really be doing anything with my life. I lose all freedom and individuality. I believe strongly in "working towards the future I have in mind", not just working for the sake of being a part of society. As a kid I remember saying I wanted to go to space to do research and to stay away from all the drama down here on earth.
I looked to animation, saw it as something rather interesting, and spent most of my school time mastering that skill. I was artistically, skilful, but at 15 I realised that animation wouldn't get me anywhere in life, generally speaking. Those who told me so, their logic was sound. I moved on, aimlessly, emotionally conflicted and intellectually, externally useless. My grades dropped. I never valued scoring much, what was more important to me was the why. The why factor behind the results were more important. I then took up engineering as it was the most logical option there and also one of the few my marks qualified for. Lets just say it hasn't been going well.
I now decided to pick computer science. It the most logical choice, something I enjoy and at the same time.. theres a sort of anonymously, ghostly beautiful power based role.
Along the way I decided to learn the guitar. I mastered it, but only because there was something I wanted to do with it. I can't seem to do anything or learn anything, just for the fun of it. I had plans, well thought out plans, for a hobby. Still working on it, sorta. What interested me most, was the process. If the process is reliable, I would be able to do what i wanted with it.
I grew more apathetic and cold and eventually became nihilistic.
I decided to pick up philosophy. I was, lets say unhealthy?
I used to impulsively buy as many books as I could just so I could read them. I read them because I saw them as useful for my growth, for my mental development. I was also looking for answers there. I was very cautious on who I read and limited myself to nietzsche mainly. I did read up on a whole lot more, but the whole "observational perspective with observational proof" concept won me over. In a way you could say I was trying to build up a framework for my emotions. to have them back me up so I wouldn't have to worry about them getting messy and getting in the way. I'm still in that process. I moved on to hard science novels and have an interest in quantum physics. I have a reason for everything I do, while trying to find a way to compress it all so I can transcend myself. It isn't working out yet.
Any help?
Do let me know what else I need to type for you to help me.
If I were to explain effectively via comparison, it would be with you and an INTJ in physical space in real time, picking your respective brains in front of each other.