My own personal crisis

[Chimera]

Okay, so there's some serious drama going on in my life right now, and I just can't seem to access my detached, analyctical self. So I'm going to lay things out here, and maybe someone here can give me advice or something. Note: Sometime during this explanation/rant, I'll probably slip into typing more like a teenager than I have lately...so be warned.

I was part of a big forum last Autumn, and I met a guy there that I became extremely interested in. (Keep reading, this isn't just a hormonal teen's sob story.) We talked at the forum a little bit, and then parted ways for a month or so when "real life" claimed our attention. One day in December I sent him a private message on the forum asking if he would like to talk on AIM instead. He accepted, and soon we became really good friends.
Some things I learned about him, after a painstakingly long time full of trust-building:
His name is Quin
He's physically 22 (mentally, who knows)
And, oh yeah, he has DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder), incorrectly called MPD (Multiple Personality Disorder).

Now, for people who don't know what DID is, I'll try to explain it simply. Imagine a person. One brain, one mind, just one person. Now imagine 11 other people standing with that person, completely different from each other. Now...imagine that all 12 people are combined in one body. They have to share the body, share the brain (only one can be in "control" of the body at one time, though the others may "watch" if they want to.)

Some important DID terms that I'll probably be using:
Original - The actual owner of the body
Alter - One of the others occupying the body
System - Everyone occupying the body, as a whole
Fronting - Being in control of the body

My friend Quin is an Alter. To make things worse, the Original of his system is female. Therefore, Quin is technically considered transgendered. He still isn't comfortable with that, and it's hard for him to front because of it. We had been talking for about three months when he told me about the disorder...actually, he was afraid that I would freak out, so he got one of the other Alters to explain it. Anyway, I took it coolly (being an INTP), and if anything, our friendship deepened. You see, we established a strange relationship (and I use that word in a loose way). I viewed him as I would an older brother, or a mentor. He admitted that he felt as close to me as I did him. We are alike in many ways; both sarcastic, both rather cynic, but both caring for each other.
Well, I soon met one of the other Alters, another boy, named Justin. I'm still not as close to Justin, and I probably never will be, but he's nice enough and he only gets on my nerves every now and then. Anyway, we became friends, and I enjoyed talking to him. I also met two others: the Original, Megan, and another Alter, Caden. I'm not as close to Megan, and Caden stopped fronting a month or two ago after it just became too painful for him. I'm still sad that he never returned...and probably never will.
Now here is the part that is causing my crisis. I've always been afraid that something would get in the way of me talking to Quin...such as if Justin kept him from fronting, or if they got sick, or if either of us were unable to access the internet. Those thoughts tore me up a lot, because by now we're so close that it breaks my heart to think about never talking to him again. (One time I went a week without talking with him, and it nearly drove me into depression.) But they've all been talking, and they agree that "integrating" (combining together so that they form one mind instead of 12 seperate ones) would be good for them. This involves long sessions of therapy. And the problem is, as soon as they integrate, I don't think they can go back. So it's the equivalent of Quin and Justin dying, since I won't be able to talk to them.
Technically, they'd still be there. Apparently traits from each person carry over. But I wouldn't be talking to Quin anymore, and I wouldn't be talking to Justin.
As much as I want to tell Quin how much this is tearing me up, how much it's affecting me (I've cried more times in the past two days than I have in my entire life. And that's a fact, not just a prettied-up statement), I can't, because I know how hard it is for them to live as they do now, and I know that for them integration really is easier. And I care for them so much, Quin especially, that I want them to be as happy as possible, no matter how much pain it causes me.
I'm frightened. You see, I've been detaching myself as much as I can, attempting to sort out my thoughts, to predict what my life will be like in the future when they integrate. I know that I won't be able to talk to them anymore, that much is certain. But what really frightens me, more than I can express, is that I can't see my life without them. I can't imagine it, not in any way.
Why does that scare me? Because what does it mean when you can't see yourself living in the future, especially when you're an INTP, the most calculating of all personalities...?
Exactly.

At this point, I just don't know what to do. Justin has made it clear that they're definitely going to integrate, but they don't know when. I haven't talked to Quin since he told me about the integration, three days ago. I don't know how I can talk to him again, knowing that I'm close to losing him.

I don't know how to explain how much Quin means to me. He's like my older brother. We're that close. I can admit, without embarrassment, that I love him, just not in a romantical sense.

I'm not used to dealing with emotions, especially none as intense and painful as this.

I'm losing my brother.

I suppose emotions really are the INTP weakness.


M'kay, so that's basically my personal crisis, without going into too much detail. So...I'm not well-versed in anything like this, and I'm just wondering if anyone else might have an idea what to do.

 

[Wisp]

Whew. You do appear to have quite a dilemma. However, I will give as best a response as my extra 360 days worth of experience will allow me to give. The first thing I'd like to say is that I DID just do a little bit of background research on DID... (Wiki'd) . The second thing I'd like to say is: Be careful. I don't want to sound like I'm blowing the whole thing off, but DID doesn't sound like a happy disease/disorder, and you're 14, he/she's 22. Sexual predators exist, and he could be lying. That said, the rest of what I say assumes that I believe that he/she is truly a good person with no ill intentions in mind. The experience of having DID would probably make his reality slightly incomprehensible to you. Thus, I have to suggest my opinion that it is their right to choose to merge if they desire. I don't mean to sound cold, but I would advise you to take some time off, read a good fictional (or at least not related to psychology or DID in any way) book, play a video game, hang out with your friends in reality, et cetera. Disassociate yourself from the issue for a day or two. At the very least, this will allow you to gain some of your objectivity back, and to reestablish that barrier between yourself and your emotions to the point where you can function. Oh, and whatever you decide to do, you have my support, whatever that means.

 

[Chimera]

It's sort of amusing that you brought up the sexual predator point...see, he was afraid that he was coming off as a predator and that it might scare me off. The ironic thing is, I'm pretty sure I'm more predator-ish than him, because I actually followed some of the hints he dropped (unknowingly, I'm sure) one day out of boredom and found out exactly where he lives, down to the house. It's scary how clearly boredom can make me think.
I know it's completely their choice to integrate, and I know that it's better for them...that's what makes it so hard for me. I can't hold them back from it even if I wanted to, because the guilt would be overwhelming, to say the least. And I'm sure that if I told them how much it's hurting me, they would at least rethink it...and I don't want that. I love them (scary) too much to let my own selfish needs stop them from doing something that would benefit them.
I've been trying to distance myself, but it's really hard when every time I turn around I'm reminded of them. I even made a list of all the things that remind me of him/them, and it's somewhere over one-hundred. And that was just things off the top of my head. The more I try to distance myself, the more I think of them. It's maddening.
Actually, your support does mean something to me. I was afraid that I would come off sounding like some whiny little girl...but support is more than I expected.

 

[Wisp]

Actually, you come off as the smartest 14-yr old I've ever met. Though, my sister may give you competition in a year or two...

 

[Chimera]

How old is your sister? And is she an INTP?

 

[Wisp]

She's 12. She's an INFJ, mild F, not so mild J. We mostly get along. She got art creativity, I got music. It works out.

 

[Alie]

I think the whole sexual predator thing is very logical because I always though that a person with DID doesn't know they have DID. I could be wrong but I always understood that one personality doesn't know about the other and therefore, they can't talk amongst themselves.

 

[Cabbo Pearimo]

That says so much about you - you're most beloved person, I'm guessing, is the alter of a DID. I was just thinking, can you integrate while making one personality the dominant? Or is it just a mush?


What happens happens. I know this sounds like the worst possible advise ever, but bear with me. They are going to integrate. The chances of Quinn (that's how I've been spelling it for a few friends of mine) being as frequent a fronter as you say he is now seem to be slim. That's a really harsh situation. I've never been in anything so deep, so I can only sympathise with you. But I can say this; you don't know what's going to happen until it does. Megan could end up being a really great person afterwards. First off, talk to Quinn as much as you can. Secondly, see if there is anything you can do to improve the situation, in any way. Everything counts for something. The rest is uncontrollable. Don't take it too hard, kiddo. Oops. Again, apologies for being patronizing. It's endearing, trust me.


Don't get too broken up over it. It would be very hard, but, and the last thing I ever want to be is cliche, time will pass and bring new friends. I'd be thankful that I'd talked to Quinn in time to develop as strong a friendship as you have. Try not to grieve the loss of a gift.



And, as always:

 

[Cabbo Pearimo]

Oh, and that's not true Alie.

 

[Chimera]

Wisp;
Do you two ever have epic "battle of the arts" arguments or something? Music vs. Art?

Alie;
Like Cabbo said, that's not true. First of all, I think DID is usually an acquired disorder...few people are born with alters switching all over the place. From what Megan told me, her alters started switching in when she was about 7...and at that time, she didn't know about them because they couldn't communicate at first. But now they can "talk" amongst themselves (Quin said that they essentially use telepathy...he tried to explain exactly how they talk, but he said it was very hard to find a comparison).

Cabbo;
I hope that it says something good about me...other than how warped my mind is, I mean.
I'm not sure, but I think the personalities all mush together. I haven't asked about it, because I've hardly talked to any of them since they told me about integrating.
And you're right, Quin (it shortens to one 'n' because his real name is Quincy, but he hates his full name) wasn't a frequent fronter at all until we started talking. He told me that unless the others force him to front, he only fronts to talk to me. Your advice is appreciated, by the way, and I really don't mind the patronizing.
I'm trying not to dwell on the future as much as I usually do...at this point, I'm just taking life day by day, and if I really think about it, I am glad that I met them. It's like that one saying, "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all." Or something like that. I'm not good at remembering cliches...I don't use them very often.

 

[Alie]

OK thanks for clearing that up for me guys!

 

[Cabbo Pearimo]

It means you can love someone plutonically, which means a lot in this day and age. You're a good person.

If you want a little empathy - I dropped out of proper 'school' school last year because I couldn't get the points to get back to my top 1% 'uber' school, and my mother wouldn't allow me to go to anything less because of her fears of me being picked on. Yep. So I ended up going to see what the local technical institute had to offer. After about a week of not seeing any future in my life whatsoever, I chose the least terrible sounding course they had to offer. Even still, I don't really see where it can go, so I don't worry about the future. I can't control it any more than I am now, so I might as well just get on with it and see what happens. Hope my superior and strange way of thinking will get me noticed by someone who needs weirdness for something. I come in buckets of weirdness. Two for a dollar.

So, nowhere to go but on. And that's all there is to it. See what happens, deal with it accordingly. And know that there's always someone to bail you out.

 

[Wisp]

Sounds like your mother is overprotective. Oh, I've had my interest piqued, I'd like to see howw this episode turns out, if you wouldn't mind, Chime.

 

[Cabbo Pearimo]

"Sounds like your mother is overprotective."
That was meant to be obvious. Didn't really need mentioning.

 

[Ermine]

Just wondering, have you all, as INTPs, ever had any trouble with bullies at school? I'd like to know, since I've never had a problem, but mostly due to confidence. If it weren't for that, I'd be more of a candidate, simply because I'm different.

Just thought I'd bring it up to see if Cabbo's mom really has any reason to worry.

 

[Chimera]

Wisp - Sure. I'll post updates here every now and then.

For example, for some reason they're all second-guessing their decisions. They won't admit it, but I'm sure that it had something to do with me (when they told me, I got a little panicky...I pretty much ran away from the computer.) Megan said that she's not sure about integrating yet. So for now I have some time to quell my emotions, and figure out how I'm going to offer them support no matter what they do.

Weasel - I only had a problem with bullies once, two years ago. They were snotty 8th graders (I was in 6th grade at the time) who liked to pick on everyone. They would sit at the doors to the school and laugh at whoever came in, jeering like a pack of hyenas. Eventually I got sick of it. One day when they started laughing when I came through the doors, I stopped, stared the "leader" straight in the eye, and demanded that they shut up. For good. It's amusing how scared they were of someone 2 years younger than them...they ran away at first oppurtunity. It's fun to be intimidating sometimes. Since then, some people have tried to pick on me, but I just glare until they stop talking. I swear, so many people are afraid of eye contact...
Moral of the story: don't take crap from anyone.

 

[Zero]

Seriously, I thought the DID thing had to be BS, so I went and looked it up and no I don't trust WIKI, but I did find some information about it. I don't know what to tell you, it sounds like the best thing for the original is to integrate.

I've never gotten so attached to someone who I only knew online. I don't normally worry about the changes they undergo either. I have several online friends who are transgender- of course I take that with a grain of salt, but I support them in whatever they want/need to be. I can't hardly be disappointed when someone does something they want to and/or something that will improve their lives.

Usually the ways I deal with emotional pain is to journal about it or to exposed it to a community I feel will be supportive, so hopefully that's helped you to some extent.

If there's nothing you can do about it, I believe it's best to support your friend and try to accept it. I mean you shouldn't think of it as someone leaving you or anything, try to think of the benefit it will have for the person who's had to suffer with it. I know that might come off as harsh, I'm not very good with these kind of things.... Sometimes it helps to get away from the environment you're meeting in and trying to get your mind off of it for a while. For me it sometimes helps to go somewhere away from everything. Sometimes trinkets and toys are helpful for me too. Like a focus or a place I can put my emotions.

I guess my best example of that is this doll I have and have.... not beaten up, but I've made it look... abused. Err, yeah, I don't know.

Also, I don't think that INTPs are the most calculating personalities. There are several calculating personalities and quite frankly the amount of like pseudo-credit INTPs get around here is starting to bother me. To me, my personality is a personality. I'm not proud to have it, I just have it. Geez, I want more to be proud of other than just how I function O_o Maybe I'm cynical though, because I think birthdays are BS and all too.

 

[Linsejko]

I actually would not recommend intentionally detaching yourself; I would say it is best to mourn the loss. Embrace the pain, it'll pass.

Obviously there is no question that it would be best for them to integrate, and that if you care about them, you would desire that for them. I commend your multiple layers of sincerity in your selfless love- hoping for the best for them, and acting in a way that will not cause them to be emotionally inhibited from making that decision.

I can't say how weird a situation that is, how much it screws with my "N" to try and wrap my head around multiple personalities in one body...

Watching Identity as a young teen probably doesn't help me now.

Also, you're far from the whiny teen; for what it's worth, you have my support as well. I've lost enough good friends to start becoming cynical towards the world (I noticed in my most recent friendship I'm skiddish towards committing... bothers me. Don't let it happen to you come a few years), so I'd like to think I know what it's like to lose someone like that. It's not quite the same, because your friend ceases to exist as a coherent person, but... I can at least say I know what it's like to become alone, and to have emotions become too strong to control, to detach from. So, I hope, in some way, I can be there for you.

I'll start by letting you know life goes on. People walk through your life, and almost every one of them will also leave before you die. You have to learn to love them as much as you can while they are there, even though it's going to hurt when they leave, because a life any other way defeats the point.

And again, when that point comes, I don't think detachment is wise; it puts off the problem, it doesn't resolve it. To use a familiar analogy, wounds not tended to fester- they do not heal. So I say mourn, feel your pain, and then in a few days, maybe a few weeks, you will accept your loss and be able to move on with life, a little wiser & a little lighter.

--

I actually have a friend who has a little brother Named Quinn, btw. I hadn't heard of another Quin, though I guess the single n is quite identical in every respect. Still, though. Not a common name. Or a common origin, I guess.

I wish you the best in this...

.L

 

[Chimera]

Seriously, I thought the DID thing had to be BS, so I went and looked it up and no I don't trust WIKI, but I did find some information about it. I don't know what to tell you, it sounds like the best thing for the original is to integrate.

When they first told me about their DID, I looked it up on Wiki too...but they told me that Wiki is mostly BS about DID.

I've never gotten so attached to someone who I only knew online. I don't normally worry about the changes they undergo either. I have several online friends who are transgender- of course I take that with a grain of salt, but I support them in whatever they want/need to be. I can't hardly be disappointed when someone does something they want to and/or something that will improve their lives.

This was a first-time thing for me...generally I don't really pay attention to people I know online past just talking about random subjects. Eventually I get bored and the talking fades away until I forget about them. Apart from the people on this forum, now I don't really talk to many people I just know online.

Usually the ways I deal with emotional pain is to journal about it or to exposed it to a community I feel will be supportive, so hopefully that's helped you to some extent.

It has...except it keeps reminding me about them every time I check this board. But I'm getting advice, so it's helpful.

If there's nothing you can do about it, I believe it's best to support your friend and try to accept it. I mean you shouldn't think of it as someone leaving you or anything, try to think of the benefit it will have for the person who's had to suffer with it. I know that might come off as harsh, I'm not very good with these kind of things.... Sometimes it helps to get away from the environment you're meeting in and trying to get your mind off of it for a while. For me it sometimes helps to go somewhere away from everything. Sometimes trinkets and toys are helpful for me too. Like a focus or a place I can put my emotions.

It's difficult to think of it as anything else other than them leaving me...I suppose I could say that I'm leaving them, but that might or might not be worse. And I'm hoping that they'll benefit from it. I know that Quin and Justin will, but I don't know about Megan. I guess I'll never know. I don't think you're being harsh...heck, people here are being gentler to me than I am.
Ironically, I'm choosing to take a hiatus from the computer for a while...if I can. My willpower is nearly nonexistant (which is why I'm sitting here on the computer right now...). If staying away from the computer fully doesn't work, I'll just stay logged out of AIM.
Trinkets and toys where you can put your emotions? I'm not sure I understand.

I guess my best example of that is this doll I have and have.... not beaten up, but I've made it look... abused. Err, yeah, I don't know.

Wow...I have stuffed animals, but I treat them like people and look after them. (I talk to them as well, but that freaks some people out.)

Also, I don't think that INTPs are the most calculating personalities. There are several calculating personalities and quite frankly the amount of like pseudo-credit INTPs get around here is starting to bother me. To me, my personality is a personality. I'm not proud to have it, I just have it. Geez, I want more to be proud of other than just how I function O_o Maybe I'm cynical though, because I think birthdays are BS and all too.

I don't really know much about the other personality types...I guess I should refrain from saying things like that. Don't be bothered, we're just pompous geeks who like patting themselves on the back. (Not being serious.)
Why do you think birthdays are BS...?

 

[Chimera]

I can't say how weird a situation that is, how much it screws with my "N" to try and wrap my head around multiple personalities in one body...

Watching Identity as a young teen probably doesn't help me now.

When Justin explained it to me, I sat numb for about a minute, then started firing off questions about all sorts of things. As he answered each one, it became easier to understand how people with DID function. Also, it was easier for me to accept because I had met Justin a while before he revealed the DID thing (I assumed that he and Quin were roommates...actually, I hated Justin when I first met him). Since I experienced first-hand how different they were from each other, I was quick to believe in DID.

I can't say that I've ever heard of Identity..

I'll start by letting you know life goes on. People walk through your life, and almost every one of them will also leave before you die. You have to learn to love them as much as you can while they are there, even though it's going to hurt when they leave, because a life any other way defeats the point.

It's hard for me to think about friendships that way at this point...being in school with the same people for 8 years creates the illusion that people you know will always be near you. And it's also hard to not be pessimistic about friendships when you know that almost every single one will end. I doubt that breaking off of other friendships will hurt as much as my current dilemma, but I'm wary to open up and try to be friends with people when I know that it's eventually going to end with even more pain. Somehow the happiness in the actual friendship doesn't quite seem to make up for when it ends.

And again, when that point comes, I don't think detachment is wise; it puts off the problem, it doesn't resolve it. To use a familiar analogy, wounds not tended to fester- they do not heal. So I say mourn, feel your pain, and then in a few days, maybe a few weeks, you will accept your loss and be able to move on with life, a little wiser & a little lighter.

It's difficult to do that...it's natural for me to just lock up everything. I feel like it's how I've survived thus far in life. Even so, I'm trying to let the feelings out little by little...I'm just afraid that if I let too much leak out at once, I'll be overwhelmed by the flood.

I actually have a friend who has a little brother Named Quinn, btw. I hadn't heard of another Quin, though I guess the single n is quite identical in every respect. Still, though. Not a common name. Or a common origin, I guess.

I wish you the best in this...

.L

It's a good thing that his name isn't common...I cringe whenever I'm reminded of him period, but if I heard his name a lot I could easily become depressed. It doesn't help that Justin and Megan are both common names.

Your support is very much appreciated. Thank you.

 

[Chimera]

(Since this is the start of a new page in the board, I'd like to point out that I made two replies prior to this. They're on the page before.)

As I mentioned in my reply to Zero, I'm going to try to stay away from the computer. I talked with Megan/Justin (they're already co-fronting) and Quin about two different, but equally important things.
Megan/Justin told me that I'm the last person that they talk to online who knows about their DID. They say that they don't want to push me or Quin into letting go, so it's up to Quin if he wants to integrate with them right now.
And Quin...says that he'll wait for me, but I can't do that to him. I can't keep him seperated from the others in their efforts to integrate. I'm afraid that if he doesn't joing ther efforts soon, he might not be able to integrate, and he'll be stuck seperated for the rest of their life. Or maybe having him seperated from the others will keep them from integrating, which would be equally bad, because I want them to be happier as soon as possible.
He also says that he doesn't want to push me into letting go, but he does worry that stalling from it is affecting me. What he actually said was "Maybe it would be easier for you if it was just done." So I had a chance to say goodbye last night...but I just couldn't.
The next time I talk to them, I know I'll have to say goodbye. This is just too much for me. I asked him for some time to sort out my thoughts, and he obliged...so hopefully the next time we talk, I can be strong enough to break off.

 

[Cabbo Pearimo]

Lesser evils.

 

[Wisp]

Yeah. Caught between the proverbial rock and a hard place. My sympathies, if not empathies.

 

[Zero]

This is too far beyond me. I'm still having trouble accepting DID as something real... -_-; I guess if I were about to lose one of my friends I had online for years... I would probably be shocked, probably would detach from it directly after, but eventually the realization would come back to me I suppose.

I find my birthday depressing. I'm getting older and apparently there's nothing else worth celebrating in my life.

 

[Cabbo Pearimo]

Hey, let it be a learning experience, and all that helpful bullocks. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

 

[Linsejko]

Actually, it's not a new page for me. I set my pages to show 40 posts (max), because I very much dislike having to click over. I recommend it to everyone else who likes reading new threads quickly and completely.

Also, I've never used a forum's 'subscribing to threads' feature, but if you set it to do that on this one, and occasionally click 'User CP' in the top left, it will show you any threads you've responded in that have new posts, so you can quickly check to see if you have had someone respond to you.

Also, look for the little blue down arrows on threads- those will bring you right to the most recent post, if you're up to date on it.

(Hope everyone doesn't already know these things... xD)
--

.It's hard for me to think about friendships that way at this point...being in school with the same people for 8 years creates the illusion that people you know will always be near you. And it's also hard to not be pessimistic about friendships when you know that almost every single one will end. I doubt that breaking off of other friendships will hurt as much as my current dilemma, but I'm wary to open up and try to be friends with people when I know that it's eventually going to end with even more pain. Somehow the happiness in the actual friendship doesn't quite seem to make up for when it ends.

I had a friend in High School, who after my first day in high school (which was tenth grade, not ninth, as I wasn't in high school in ninth grade), quickly became my closest friend. We became closer that either of us were to our other siblings; she was my sister, and I her brother.

We would talk about moving to Italy together, about doing Krav Maga in the summer, growing old and never losing touch. But she never believed in these dreams. She believed I would fade, as all her other friends eventually had. I insisted that I would not, but she quietly disagreed.

She had grown up changing schools often, and had seen almost all of her friends leave her, one by one. We had even had a mutual friend between us before we knew each other well, whom we were both very close to, while not knowing one another.

He'd basically dropped out of school, got into drugs, and abandoned all of his friends.

She had become cynical, in a way, from it all.

Not long after she shared that with me, the thought of wondering when our friendship would end, our friendship started to drift. That was extraordinarily painful. In some ways I was naive. But I think a large part of it was her disbelief. Our friendship, I think, ended prematurely, because she prepared herself for it to end.

If you live preparing yourself for the end like that, you won't be able to live in the moment. You will never again be able to be close to anyone, if you only think of them leaving. You must realize that 'it is better to have loved and lost, than to have never have loved at all'. (To use your previously mentioned cliche`, if you don't mind).

That may sound like confusing advice- know they will leave, but don't focus on that. Just enjoy them while you have them, but be willing to let them weave in and out of life.

I wonder if, perhaps, the feeling that, 'the pain of separation feels greater than the joy of friendship', is mis-led by your lack of ability to understand what that joy was like, in the midst of this sorrow. I really disagree, because though I cannot feel it now, I know that joy that I had was worth it while I did have it. And I know that someday, perhaps, we will patch up our wounds and connect again. Life is made of those things, of the joys and pains of life; I will have as many as I can, because that is what makes me human- that is what makes this life worth living.

It's difficult to do that...it's natural for me to just lock up everything. I feel like it's how I've survived thus far in life. Even so, I'm trying to let the feelings out little by little...I'm just afraid that if I let too much leak out at once, I'll be overwhelmed by the flood.

I know what you mean there. I'm trying to figure out how to flood myself, honestly. I can't even really begin to assess where to start fixing myself... I just work at it, 'little by little'. I beg you, though, to not 'lock up'; it is an inherent human response to pain. Deny it. But it inhibits life! There is no other way to live, than to take the good with the bad. For the good cannot be had until the bad is felt.

I know this post was lacking a bit in coherence and singularity, but it's a messy issue. I don't know a clean, clear way to address it.

I hope what I said was of some value.

.L

 

[Wisp]

It usually is of some value. Oh, and I agree with you BTW.

 

[Cabbo Pearimo]

Nice. The old 'couldn't be bothered to read the whole thing so I picked up one point and decided if I agreed with it or not, and then wrote the shortest reply possible'.