My life dilemma (long)

[FrostFern]

I’ll apologize in advance for the longwinded nature of this post. My thoughts/ideas always seem simple and streamlined in their encapsulated form within my mind but the process of converting them into words is always arduous for me.

I was wondering if people here can relate to my experiences or if they have a different experience if they can explain it to me and provide some insight. First I’d like everyone to know that besides being an INTP with a very strong introversion tendency, I’ve also been diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum (though I’m on the very mild side). I’ve been thinking of also posting this on an aspergers/autism forum but thought I would get the widest variety of responses on here. The main conundrum I’ve been having is distinguishing which of my social issues are related to autism and which are related to being an INTP as I seem to strongly identify with a subset of both groups. I’ve also been suffering immensely off and on with clinical depression / dysthymia for most of my adult life and the thought of suicide has been on my mind often. I guess my main aim in posting this is to learn about myself and hopefully learn how I can find a way to bring joy back into my life and feel content to continue living.

Some other background information: For most of my life I’ve been studying to be a scientist. I’m currently a graduate student working on my Masters degree (actually I’m close to finished). I originally intended to get a PhD but in the midst of my depression I became bored with my research and suffered severe burnout. I have a bit of trouble accurately describing the troubles I have. When I compare myself to other people I often see myself as lazy, but it’s an unusual type of laziness, born more out of boredom/ennui than anything. Yet, whenever something comes along that sparks something deep inside me I can produce five times the amount of work within a given timetable as the average person. It’s as though I have a motivational dial that’s set to binary while the average person’s is set to analog. I’m either on or off, nothing in between. When I lose interest I fail to perform. It’s also something that’s incredibly difficult will myself through as I can almost physically feel my brain slowing down and losing its sharpness/focus. My learning/thinking style has always been very emotional/visceral and it’s near impossible to go through the motions when I lose interest.

Anyways, recently I’ve had a mental breakdown of sorts, or perhaps it wasn’t really a breakdown but merely the tipping point reached after a long period where I was slowly losing momentum. I’m currently on a leave of absence and I’m back to living with my parents. I’ve found that when I’m living alone it’s always a major struggle to keep doing all the normal mundane tasks of living, going to the store, cooking, taking care of the house, bills, paperwork. I always feel overwhelmed, not because any of it is difficult, but because I have so little drive in me to do anything even mildly dull or unpleasant. When I can’t find my spark I feel like I can’t do anything. Right now my parents are taking care of almost everything for me and it feels awful. Suicide has been a constant thought not far in the back of my mind. I’ve been experimenting with a multitude of antidepressants but so far I haven’t felt the slightest benefit from any of them.

As of now my life is on hold and I’m just trying to figure out how I can possibly make things work for me so I don’t have to continue on this way. So far I’ve come to the tentative conclusion that what I lack that others possess is balance. I realize that other people don’t find the majority of their daily activities meaningful or rewarding but they seem to be able to make themselves push on anyways. Other people just seem more multi-faceted in the ways in which they derive their sense of purpose, ways which are difficult for me to understand as an extreme introvert. They seem to find purpose and meaning in the image/identity they project to others. They see all the little parts of their lives, parts that seem mundane and meaningless on their own, as contributing to a bigger picture. They also have motivational fallbacks they can rely on and these mostly involve socialization.

Actually it’s the social aspect of existence that I have the most difficulty comprehending. All through my life I’ve been worn down by an increasing sense of alienation. Everywhere I go people just seem incomprehensibly uninteresting to me and it’s one of those obstacles I just can’t seem to get past. I can tell myself that I just need to change my perspective and learn to appreciate people, but this just leads to increasing guilt as I realize how difficult it is to relate to people and I feel like I must be an insufferably cold and arrogant person, though deep down I don’t feel arrogant at all... in fact I feel mostly envious. In all honesty I really wish I could enjoy the trivial chit-chat that 99 percent of all real-life conversation seems to consist of.

When I’m in social settings I just get the sense that there’s a visceral element that’s missing in me. If the topic of conversation doesn’t interest me my mind feels sluggish and it takes an extraordinary effort to come up with anything to say. I notice that other people smile and mirror each other’s facial expressions and seem to laugh at jokes in concert, as if they’re programmed robots, usually to lame stuff that’s not funny at all to me. For me I feel as if I’m not getting any kind of visceral emotional feedback from the interaction. Everything I do is an act with my sole motivation being the need to make sure I’m at least perceived as interested/engaged. When all my energy is focused on how I need to be perceived it’s impossible to be truly spontaneous and engaged, as the emotional element / positive vibes are missing.

Anyways, now I’m not quite sure where I’m headed with this. God I suck at stream-of-consciousness writing. I think by sharing all these problems I’m not really looking for simple solutions as much as I’m just trying to break out of my shell a little, get some of these thoughts out of my head. My depression’s been so bad lately that I don’t have any hobbies or interests that appeal to me, which of course makes it even harder to talk to people. I need to find some way to cut through all the boredom and emptiness and isolation I’m experiencing right now. Motivation is the missing ingredient. Right now finding it is a bit like starting a fire on a barren tundra, you have to carefully nurture the tiniest of flames while the smallest puff of wind can just as easily snuff the whole thing out.

 

[Infinite Regress]

Listen bra,
You should abandon any notions of suicide - no need to know why, just drop it.

w.r.t to no hobbies/interests/pursuits - I can't but feel there is something and you need to go out there and find it. You're bound to eventually meet people of interest that way.

It's difficult to change, but if you want out of your current routine...

 

[FrostFern]

Listen bra,
You should abandon any notions of suicide - no need to know why, just drop it.

That's mighty helpful advice. (rolls eyes)

 

[Infinite Regress]

lol...
now I see why you struggle socially

Good luck with life

 

[FrostFern]

deleted

 

[fullerene]

I think I'm probably too young to offer any substantive advice on motivation or (even worse) communication with others. I actually just walked into my neighbor's room (I live in a dorm) for a few minutes, and left after ~5 minutes while they prattled on complaining about irritating things their past roommates did. I'm not sure what to say on that front except: hang in there and sit tight; work on occupying your own time with something that's meaningful to you without other people to share it with, and if someone comes along who sees things the same way, so much the better. It's easy for me to say that, though, because I've just been lucky and bumped into (a very few) people who appreciate hearing from me, and whose thoughts I appreciate too.

It's probably also worth it to pass on something an extremely bright INTJ suggested to me on another forum: if you want to turn conversation into something you enjoy, then put out the effort and try to turn it into something you enjoy. If people don't like what you talk about and avoid you, then so much the worse for them--but you really can't blame them if you never try to let them know why you don't find small talk and things interesting.


One thing I'm curious about, though: you said you were somewhere on the mild end of the autism spectrum, and also "Everything I do is an act with my sole motivation being the need to make sure I’m at least perceived as interested/engaged. When all my energy is focused on how I need to be perceived it’s impossible to be truly spontaneous and engaged, as the emotional element / positive vibes are missing."

I'm not sure how autism is treated, but the way you said this, it seems like one of those things that adults, who just didn't know better, would try to teach their kids. I'm just curious because (while I'm not autistic) I have a lot of quirks that my parents have tried to get me to squish out of my life--twitchy eyes (sometimes), curling my hair around my fingers, things like that--and I'm fairly sure it's done nothing but suck the life out of me whenever I try. So it might help to ask yourself whether you want to be perceived as interested, or whether you've just been told that you should want to be a perceived as interested.

Although, it is worth keeping in mind that if you can make yourself be perceived as interested, other people may get that visceral connection out of talking to you, even if you don't get it out of talking to them. *shrugs*... depends on whether you think that's important to them, to be connected to you, and whether you're willing to put up the effort so that they get that benefit. Hell, it may even give you time to study it up close, after they get to know you, so you can learn about it a bit for yourself.


I'm sorry for infinite regress' welcome, btw . I'm glad you handled it the way you did, and didn't just give up and walk away from here immediately... you usually don't find too much of that around here.

 

[Infinite Regress]

I'm sorry for infinite regress' welcome, btw . I'm glad you handled it the way you did, and didn't just give up and walk away from here immediately... you usually don't find too much of that around here.

My initial statement wasn't meant to be condescending/patronizing - more positive reinforcement, since he has mentioned thinking about it. Analogous to when a friend is worried about something and you say "ah, just forget it about it" even though they continue to voice their worries. Tried to be friendly and welcoming - called him/her a "bro"

I guess through this medium sometimes interpretation can get muffled.

 

[fullerene]

edit: eh... infinite regress' post deleted in between these two. I'll still leave this here so you can see it, but won't explain what you said (it wasn't aggressive or offensive, though) because you obviously changed your mind for whatever reason.

It wasn't just that as much as the jab about how "this is why you struggle socially." How is it ok to say that to someone who said they were mildly autistic? It's just a nasty thing to say to someone whose past very probably involves a lot of people harassing him about social things.

It was pretty dismissive, too. Realistically, how many INTPs do you know would respond to "you don't need to know why, but just do X" with immediate acceptance and gratitude for helping them find a solution? Especially when it's a 2 line response to an 8 paragraph OP... all the connotations with it just came out the wrong way.

I don't think you did it on purpose, or anything... but I can totally see why s/he'd be upset by it. It did seem pretty tactless and dismissive, which is kind of an unfortunate way to greet someone on their fourth post on the forum.

 

[bluesquid]

Life can be so good!

you have to understand the paradox of too good, versus too easy. It is easy to have good, and not easy. Or it is easy to have to have easy, and not good. Too easy and too good is ruin.

find the medium.

 

[Infinite Regress]

@fullerene - What post was deleted?

I didn't appreciate the sarcastic jab afterwards so reacted. he could have asked me to clarify instead but I have refrained from responding to the name calling afterwards out of respect for the thread to develop.

 

[fullerene]

that's... really strange. It vanished for a little bit (2, 3 minutes maybe?), but is back now. Maybe it's invisible while in the process of being edited? Or the forum software is a bit buggy. Nevermind, then.

It doesn't matter, though. If it's done, than it's done. I mostly didn't even write that post speaking about you with the intent of arguing you about it, but if I were new and immediately got into a little squabble with someone, I know I would at least appreciate someone else who's a regular on the forum going "sorry about that... I'm not sure what was up with that guy."

I'll shut up now too, though. I'm sure many people will have on-topic things to say about this thread, so I'd rather not clutter it up for them.

 

[ProxyAmenRa]

Here is some advice that my friend gave me. It has worked well for a few years now. Well, the thought hits me when I'm about to complain to myself about something.

So as he would say with a cigarette in his blistering decaying lips, drinking cheap beer; "Put a tea spoon of cement in your next coffee and harden the fuck up."

Though, unlike yourself, I was told that when I was not really complaining about anything. I just had shit friends.

The quote can be understood as the onus is on you to determine your environment.

I can speak at conference in front of a thousand people about third generation photovoltaic solar cells but it is impossible for me to engage in small talk. We all have our vices.

 

[shoeless]

regarding suicide: basically what IR said, except i'll actually give you a reason.
1) it accomplishes nothing. no matter what "afterlife" you believe in or don't believe in, there's absolutely nothing good that's gonna come out of offing yourself. reincarnation? you get to be a goddamn fly. heaven/hell? if you're going with dante, you get to be a shitty depressed tree for the rest of eternity (or you could just, you know, go to hell, whatever floats yer boat). atheist? you get to enjoy nothingness. something is always better than nothing.

2) i don't care who you are, it will effect somebody, and it will change their life. whether it's your parents, friends, or just the guy that finds you. you will fuck up that person for the rest of their life. if you care about them at all, you wouldn't do that to them.

when i find myself existentially depressed (and i won't lie to you, i've contemplated suicide in the past, and even recently, to an extent) what i like to do is try to focus on the little things. like, make a conscious effort to notice the tiny little seemingly insignificant things of life that somehow make everything brighter. like the way the light falls through the blinds, and how each little ray is perfectly parallel to the next. or smell something nice, like cereal or perfume. or eat some delicious soup, slowly, so that you can feel it warming your insides as it goes down and it lasts longer.

to me though, it sounds like you really need a friend. like, somebody who understands you, and somebody who is interested in talking about the things you're interested in talking about. someone you can be your complete self around.

i'm not gonna lie and say that's easy to find, because it's not. but you do have to put yourself out there for that to work. and take every little failure with a grain of salt.

i'm really sorry you're going through this. honestly, i am. i hate that people have to suffer beneath the weight of their own minds. i hate that other people let that happen.
but it doesn't have to be the end of the road or anything. it's just a shitty roadblock in the grand scheme of life.

to use the cliche (and i only use cliches when i thoroughly believe in them), you can only go up from here.

 

[Kuu]

You've said that there are reasons why you will not commit suicide. I'd suggest you keep thinking of those reasons. I'd even suggest to think more about suicide, in contrary to common advice, because I think that sometimes we need to really go deep into the darkest parts of our selves to find what we really believe / stand for / desire in life.

I'd also suggest just walking about randomly, preferably outside. Be it nature or city, there's always something you might stumble upon or catch your interest, or a realization that comes to you when thinking freely and not being stuck in your usual environment and its mental associations.

Burnout / lack of motivation can be a total bitch... I wish I had an actual solution to this so I could apply it to myself, but no, this is all I have to offer...

 

[fullerene]

You've said that there are reasons why you will not commit suicide. I'd suggest you keep thinking of those reasons. I'd even suggest to think more about suicide, in contrary to common advice, because I think that sometimes we need to really go deep into the darkest parts of our selves to find what we really believe / stand for / desire in life.

I would agree with this (er... I think I would), except for the antidepressants and things that he's been on. The time when I thought about suicide most/most seriously, I was on this very high-powered acne medicine, which was thought to mess with your brain chemistry, but with no real "conclusive" evidence that it caused problems. When I finished it all, there was a few-week period where the whole world was a noticeable several shades brighter. And it's not that I was just mopey all of a sudden... but I literally couldn't think of any reason why not to do it, at the time. It's like the good things in life were just blocked from view. Then my brain-chemistry went back to normal, and I've (and also my brother, who took the same stuff) been cycling through several-year-cycles of depression/burnout ever since. The stuff was (eventually) pulled off the market because it was deemed dangerous.

Point being: if you're on various medicines, and especially ones that are designed specifically to alter brain chemistry, your thoughts about suicide very well might not be your "own" at all. imo, we just don't know enough about the human brain to justify altering its chemical balance yet.

 

[FrostFern]

My initial statement wasn't meant to be condescending/patronizing - more positive reinforcement, since he has mentioned thinking about it. Analogous to when a friend is worried about something and you say "ah, just forget it about it" even though they continue to voice their worries. Tried to be friendly and welcoming - called him/her a "bro"

I guess through this medium sometimes interpretation can get muffled.

I apologize for overreacting the way I did. It was the underlined "just drop it" that rubbed me the wrong way. If it weren't for those three words and the fact that they came on the first line on the first response after I just spent 30 minutes pouring all my thoughts out I probably wouldn't have taken issue. Hope you can understand. I'll delete the post where I insulted you.

Are we cool?

 

[Arcticz_Hawk]

hmm. I'm not sure how much advice I could give. I'm in an almost mirrored situation right now.

My best advice to you would be to join an art class for the time being. It might be a good creative outlet and it could you recover from your burned out state.

In terms of conversation, I feel the say way sometimes. I find I often have to bite my lip and force myself to engage into the trivial conversations. Although, when I do feel that way [regarding the conversations] it's most often due to depression. Depression can make you feel apathetic.

Just try doing small things to get yourself going. You may want to seek help from a psychiatrist. In terms of the medication it may be that you do have some chemical imbalance, and a psychiatrist could help assess if and what you need.

[Sorry if my sentences are a little jumbled, I'm tired]


One moar thing: Maybe you could get a pet? It would make you feel responsible for something and it could be rewarding. Even a hamster would do.

 

[FrostFern]

Thanks everyone for the responses. I realize it's probably too much to expect that anyone's response will cause me some sudden life-changing epiphany.

I guess the trouble I have with the common folk wisdom and pop-existential philosophy regarding depression is due in part to my extreme analytical nature. I have too strong a hunch that people give themselves too much credit for determining their own happiness, after all it's only natural for the human psyche to do this. A lot of this notion simply doesn't hold up under scrutiny though. I mean, with long term cocaine or heroin addiction people can have thier pleasure pathways literally short-circuited so that, absent the presense of foreign chemical substances, they are unable to experience pleasure to the same degree as a normal healthy person. I strongly suspect that a similar mechanism is involved with my depression.

Not to say that all is hopeless. I still believe the brain can heal itself over time but I'm really not able to get my hopes up that I will encounter some major revelation that will cause my depression to instantly evaporate.

I don't want to say that this whole discussion is pointless either though and I also don't want people to think I'm just here to vent/whine. Sometimes it's not the substance that matters. Sometimes just the act of communicating my thoughts and giving my mind ideas to mull over provides a great deal of relief. Just the fact that some gears are churning in my head provides some helpful self-distance.

 

[fullerene]

I mean, with long term cocaine or heroin addiction people can have thier pleasure pathways literally short-circuited so that, absent the presense of foreign chemical substances, they are unable to experience pleasure to the same degree as a normal healthy person. I strongly suspect that a similar mechanism is involved with my depression.

To be honest, I think you're assuming (or misreading the evidence, or whatever) that people are both 1. more honest and 2. more self-aware than they really are. I don't want to make it sound like I'm belittling any concrete, physical cause to your depression (I'd never know if one existed), but I do know that a lot of people are less happy than they seem, before you get to know them well, and a lot of people think they're happy, but don't realize it until much later in their lives. Isn't that part of where mid-life crises come from?

Just a possibility, at least.

 

[FrostFern]

One thing I'm curious about, though: you said you were somewhere on the mild end of the autism spectrum, and also "Everything I do is an act with my sole motivation being the need to make sure I’m at least perceived as interested/engaged. When all my energy is focused on how I need to be perceived it’s impossible to be truly spontaneous and engaged, as the emotional element / positive vibes are missing."

I'm not sure how autism is treated, but the way you said this, it seems like one of those things that adults, who just didn't know better, would try to teach their kids. I'm just curious because (while I'm not autistic) I have a lot of quirks that my parents have tried to get me to squish out of my life--twitchy eyes (sometimes), curling my hair around my fingers, things like that--and I'm fairly sure it's done nothing but suck the life out of me whenever I try. So it might help to ask yourself whether you want to be perceived as interested, or whether you've just been told that you should want to be a perceived as interested.

Interesting analysis. I'm not sure if it's something that's intentionally tought. A lot of social interaction between adults, at least on the surface, is ritualized. People probably just learn out of thier subconscious drive to conform to social/cultural norms.

 

[FrostFern]

To be honest, I think you're assuming (or misreading the evidence, or whatever) that people are both 1. more honest and 2. more self-aware than they really are. I don't want to make it sound like I'm belittling any concrete, physical cause to your depression (I'd never know if one existed), but I do know that a lot of people are less happy than they seem, before you get to know them well, and a lot of people think they're happy, but don't realize it until much later in their lives. Isn't that part of where mid-life crises come from?

Just a possibility, at least.

Actually I agree with you. A lot of people are really good at hiding their depression. I'm not. A lot of people are extremely insecure as well.

On the self-honesty thing, it does baffle me how some people seem to function in their lives with multiple caked-in layers of cognitive dissonance. My own self-honesty seems to be both a blessing and a curse.

 

[Puffy]

Whenever i'm depressed I try to take little steps to improving my condition and the fact i'm taking steps forwards tends to alleviate it in some way. Obviously how you deal with it is subjective and yours is likely more difficult than mine, but I think you need to force yourself into a position where you have greater responsibility. When i'm depressed everything just becomes mundane, like you described, and you have zero motivation to do anything. Even though it's really hard you have to try and put yourself in an uncomfortable position where you're forced to act. Going back to live with your parents is good to build back your strength and contemplate where you want to go, but I wouldn't let yourself get too comfortable or you wont break free from your depression.

That's just my insight though, you're clearly capable of analysing this yourself. Best of luck, to some degree I think we're all in the same boat.

 

[snowqueen]

Hi FrostFern and welcome to the forum. I think quite a few things you describe are fairly typical INTP like the inability to deal with small talk, feelings of alienation etc. One of the consequences of having a very low Fi is that we tend to be very bad at things like self-soothing or positive self-talk - putting our inner feeling world back together, making ourselves 'happy'. I personally still find it very hard to do (I am in my 50s).

I think Shoeless gave you some very good advice. I would second physical exercise which has been proven to have a positive effect on mood. Starting the day with some exercise can make a big difference. If you are feeling low, then going for a brisk walk can be remarkably soothing - somehow the activity changes your brain. Another method which you can use is to grin deliberately regardless of whether there is something particularly making you smile. The physical action causes hormones to be secreted and if you do it consistently - say for 15 minutes every day, you will feel happier. But you need to grin so your eyes crease!

The thing I have found the most helpful is meditation. Simply noticing your thoughts and letting them go and focusing your attention on your breath. Again, it takes practice but after some time you are able to detach from your thoughts and simply observe them and let them go. You see their impermanent nature and they no longer have such power. I get depressed when I forget to do that and start to give my thoughts too much power. True, sometimes I almost like to feel bad because I'm so used to it. But I think 'how would I like to feel?' and then think of ways to feel like that.

Finally the advice on taking small steps is spot on - it is unlikely you will have an epiphany and it all gets better. But keep moving in the right direction. You are an INTP - examine in detail your imagined life where you have something which motivates you and inspires you and then start moving towards that in small steps.

If you meet people you get on with or who you think you could befriend - make the effort to form and maintain those friendships - chances are those people need you just as much as you need them.

And keep coming here.

 

[shadowdrums4]

I don't know how much I can help you on this one. I will add something that's kind of ironic out of me though:

My drumline played at a church yesterday. We had to sit through a service. I'm not Christian but I went ahead and payed attention out of respect because I do try to be open minded.

The reason we were called is because the message is called "Life in Rhythm" So they started with a bunch of drummers get it?

Anyway what it was about was that living balanced isn't actually possible. Of course this was geared more toward people with the opposite problem (if I'm understanding right) people who try to do too much and give equal energy to everything. The reason I bring it up is you mentioned that you might need balance. Balance is unattainable so don't strive for that. Do attempt to put yourself out there though. I have battles with my depression as well. I often worry about that lack of motivation so what the "balance" message got across to me is we don't really HAVE to devote equal energy to everything on the chart. Which was:Kids/family, Fitness, Spiritual growth, Social, work/school, rest and relaxation. This was all put on an equally divided chart. I personally devote most of my time to rest, as you probably do. Except it's not really rest, it's just free time. The problem is coming out of that for your other "duties"

Ick this isn't coming out well: My point with the chart was don't go after balance between these things because it is unattainable. You can't possibly do it all and it sounds like you really don't want to.

As for sparking interest, you mentioned that some of us have fallbacks for when we really get depressed. Mine is (obviously) music. Sometimes I can't motivate myself to do that either though. Getting up to turn on a song, sooo much effort. Grabbing my sticks and pad and then deciding something to play.....Ugh I'd rather just lay here right now. Getting stuck doing nothing can be a terrible thing though and can lead you further into suicide thoughts. (At least that's how it is for me) Find something that you really enjoy, and as an INTP it should probably be something you can always get better at, and that there is always stuff to learn about. Music theory rekindled my love of music because I started realizing how much it can be subject to analysis and yet still never fully understood. That helps me because I don't necissarily have to get up and get my sticks, I can just think about chord structures, tetrachords, funky time signatures, and eventually that motivates me to get up and go drum and then I'm happy I did because the flow effect takes over. (I lose track of time because I'm having so much fun, not that I have a great track of time anyway.)

Rambly and probably unhelpful ick: Find something you enjoy and something you can continuously learn about. That's not easy, I know. I just got lucky. Also don't try to force yourself to do things to become "balanced." Maybe you can reward yourself everytime you do something like pay bills ect. Stuff you mentioned above.

Hope I've been somewhat helpful.

 

[Lockness]

Warning-beware of very long post.

Hey Frostfern,

I can relate to so much of what you said here. I don't have any solid answers for you, but I feel like I'm in the midst of the same struggle your describing. When I first learned about being an INTP I started to notice that my behavior/personality seemed to be much more extreme even for an introverted, socially awkward, intuitive thinker type. Since posting my "Does anyone relate to this?" thread, I've come to the conclusion that I may have aspergers(mild autism) and that large chunks of my social issues/deprressions/anxieties are tied directly into the specific problems that are most difficult for people with this type of autism. I won't be abe to get an official diagnosis from a neurologist and a psychologist for at least a few months, because of issurance issues, but I've read everything I could find, and have taken all of the PhD recommended screenings and they all lead to the same conclusion.

Regarding the "is this an INTP thing vs an aspergers thing?"....I've been mauling over this question for the last few days actually, and I have some ideas in regards to my situation; since yours seem very close to mine maybe it will be of interest to you.

I've found that my lifelong tendency to have extreme focus on very specific interests, to the neglect of others is the norm among people on the autistic spectrum, but the way in which I think about them seems to be related to being intp.

I've always felt like I've put an enormous amount of energy into being polite/ understanding/ agreeable/ sociable, and helpful to other people with only marginal/ no success. People with this have to put much more energy into understanding others, since autism seems to affect the part of the brian that people pull their automatic/instinctive/intuitive understanding of socialization. I could give dozens of examples of simple/obvious unspoken social rules or understandings that have taken me my whole life to figure out. I have to take a long detour through abstract/anaylitical part of my brain to figure out socially relevant rules/understandings that others pick up easily. It is extremely exhausting to participate in the simplest social affairs. It goes far beyond not liking small talk so and since it seems that all "aspies" feel this way as well I'm guessing it has more to do with autism.

One example with me is that it took me until I was twenty to figure/ out and be consciously aware that that the speed/volume/tone of my speech affects how others will interpret what I'm saying. Most people don't ever need to even think about this they picked it up automatically...but I had to take "detour" through the abstract problem solving part of my brain since no one ever just pulled me aside and told me this. I didn't realize it was connected with aspergers until later since I just thought I was either just too socially stupid/coldly rational to get why others reacted that way to me. Also I often think I'm fully preparied to deal with some social situation, and then suddenly it's like all my experience/ understanding seems to completely disappear or cut out for short periods of time....like losing a radio signal. I'm not sure if this applies to you but I've learned that this is an aspergers thing as well. I'm looking into aspergers specific books and resources; on unspoken social "rules" to help me compensate for lack of instinctive understanding. So much of my energy has sucked up trying to figure these out these "normal" ways to do things, but for someone with autism this is like trying jam a square peg into circular hole.

The type "lazyness" you mentioned describes me as well. I've hobbled through everything but I remember the contrast between me almost failing certain classes and then doing so well in others that I soared past my instructors in understanding and skill(according to other students and the teachers estimation, not according to mine) Like you, I seem to be either completely on or completely off, and from my recent readings this seems to be more related to aspergers than to being and INTP.

I actually had to leave school as well because I was so drained/deppressed/lonely that I couldn't handle it anymore. I moved back in with my parents having no idea what I should do. I eventually got so depressed that I attempted suicide. When I was let out of the hospital my cousin and his wife offered to let me live with them for a while. If you have any close relatives or a friend that you can eventually stay with that might be of help. When you've got to the point where you're ready to take the next step(and I would recommend taking small steps....don't try to renter the "real world" in one big leap) this might be a good idea. Living alone is a bad idea for those of us who tend to lean towards depression. If you're like me and extremely introverted and independent; this may seem like an uncomfortable situation, but if you can set it up so you can live with others it's a major help with the depression. Living with others who you can develop an understanding with, and will let you have your space would be best. We eventually ended moving into a larger house with a couple other housemates. I still tend to isolate myself and do my own thing but just having others around who are considerate/mindful of me, staves off hopelessness and encourages me to take take care of all those stupid day-to-day tasks that I hate.


Some other things that I've been working on that may be of interest to you:

An aspergers thing is to be somewhat disconnected from physical pain/disconfert that were feeling. Our bodies feel pain/disconfort//deppresion but we're in abstract la la land so we don't even notice until it's too late and past burn out point. I'm working on being more aware of my physiology....my moods/energy levels/eating/sleeping habits/ and signs of burn out. Historically and unfortunately, I've ignored these and just kept pushing myself. This just occurred to me in the last few days but I'd been reading about how the same neurological issues related to autism also can cause many food intolerances. I've realized that I seemed to have felt like crap after eating....congestion...mild aches/pains....and otherwise feeling physically crappy. If you think about how people "crash" after eating sugars, or have digestion issues with dairy, these problems appear to be intensified/extended by autism. If I'm correct than these could be partly responsible/ or a contributing factor with my/your depression. I'm researching diets/food allergies and I'm planning on seeing a neurologist who has experience with autism to help with this.

I've been putting together a list of every expert/author/book/ and resources I can find on the problems, solutions, recommendations and potential coping methods from phycologists and people who've lived with aspergers. It sounds like there are aspergers specific services that could be helpful. I don't mean to give the old "just get therapy" answer, I've had a very mixed experience with mental health professionals myself,
but I think finding people with experience with aspergers could offer some solutions. You mentioned having trouble dealing with simple day to day tasks; these are made very difficult by depression, but I know with me they are/were somewhat difficult even without being depressed. I'm looking into finding specialists and services that are specifically geared towards people with aspergers. You might be able to get help from some of them. Also your school may have special services for those with disorders. I'm going from hearsay at this point but it's better than nothing.

Something that's kept me going lately is the idea of Forward Momentum: We're moving forward in understanding ourselves/our problems/ and this is part of an organic prosses that transitions into having more concreate coping methods. If you think about it you're in a better postion(as far as your self-understanding goes) than you were before. The fact that you're on here and able to write this out is a good thing. When I had to quite school and move in with my family I had no concept of my unique personality type or my aspergers, so you're actually light years ahead of where I was. Think of it this way, things can NEVER go backwards. It's literally not possible, nothing can happen that will take away the progress that a person has made. Every learned skill, piece of introspection, effort towards self-improvement; every tiny step is a move forward.

I know this isn't much when the "soul sucking" aspects of depression are hitting hard, but I hope that something here could be useful to you. If you'd like my list of websites/resources/books I've put together so far, let me know. I'd be happy to share.
-Lockness