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Intp boyfriend help

Joined
Aug 25, 2017
Messages
1
#1
Good day all and thanks in advance for any and all advice. I am an INTJ female who has been in a relationship with an INTP for a little over 3 months now. We are in a long distance relationship as we met while I was on vacation, never spoke, but felt incredibly drawn to each other. I found him on social media, he messaged me and we hit it off immediatey finding all these common interests and past experiences, which then led me to buying a plane ticket to go see him for a couple of days. It was amazing! We have an incredible connection and we can see a future together. Now I should back up a minute and say that my only relationship experience has been with an INTP boyfriend who I was head over heels for and an ISTP ex husband who was safe, much less complicated, but endlessly boring. Wo here I am, of course, drawn to dark complicated gorgeous musician INTP. As I have plenty of experience with how withdrawn INTPs can be, I have so much research to try to have this relationship actually succeed. He gets really sweet when he is on an emotional high, he has already told me he loves me, but when things cool down he is chill, honey if you get a lovey text you take a screenshot because it is like a shooting star haha. I am okay with that because the effort, communication and consistency is where the importance lies with me. I have had to hit the breaks a few times because I am all about solving any issues and blasting through any obstacles with a bulldozer. Well my boyfriend obviously is not that way. We almost even broke up because he was paralyzed with fear that being happy with me meant he was abandoning his son. I gave him my logic and then a ton of spce and he came around after a couple of days. Currently, he has a difficult financial situation as he is still supportig his ex wife and their son completey. I wasnt bothered by it at first because I am hell bent on being financially independent until i die and money is just money, but sometimes I cant help. Ut thinking that if he was really motivated to have this relationship with me, it would motivate him start to cut himself loose from his past responsibilities. Obviously he is a great father and I always want him to take care of his son. I guess theres a culture difference as he is Mexican and I am American, but well, the conversation didnt go over so well when I brought it up. Pretty much, I should have fallen in love with someone who had a less complicated situation. When I tel him that I just wanted him to tel me that I he wants to be with me and wants to work through these problems with me. I think of myself as a very understanding person if I am given something to work with. Then he turns around and asks me if he had to move back to Mexico for work if I would want to go with him. Or if I would want to go with him to Las Vegas. Did I mention he is a musician? Haha...I told him I would if we were in it together and he got really excited and then was going to think about it. Is he on something!? Hahaha...Is this normal INTP behavior? I am just one that if I am in it for the long haul there will be zero doubt and I feel like he is just still considering all of his options. Any advice? Is this as good as it gets with an INTP? Will one always just have to fly by the seat of their pants at wherever the INTP feels the wind blow?
 
Joined
Apr 19, 2014
Messages
2,854
Location
Objects in the mirror might look closer than they
#2
XD

the nice kind of poetry



actually i think he's the most normal person in the world, you just meat each other. and so there's not much future to talk about yet.
i think i have seen your future... but i will keep it for myself.
good luck anyway.
 

Pizzabeak

Guardians of the galaxy
Joined
Jan 24, 2012
Messages
1,698
#3
I don't know man maybe, who knows, it might take a long time for intps to decide on certain things sometimes. Maybe he's introducing things he wants to do and seeing if you're down for it. You just have to take it as is along with the other complicated things.

Wouldn't really say that's a thing. Maybe more so an exclusive aspect of this situation and to a lesser extent musician lifestyle. How did you find each other on social media?
 
Joined
Jan 24, 2013
Messages
6,439
Location
A hut in the woods
#4
Hmm...

Hard to make a judgement call on this one. I know a guy, cool guy, we get along well; he's INTP, from Netherlands. We met in my home state when he was on an overlay for going home from his vacation in the US. He spent much of his time with his then GF now his wife. They get along fantastic, they are pregnant.

On the other hand, that is quite a culture difference. Its hard to know how seriously he takes you. Commitment is not an INTP's strong suit. I'm sure he loves you, but it might just be the idea of you that he loves, same goes for you to an extent.

What makes me question if this is going to work or not is that

  1. There are some very real differences between both of you (both culturally and by personality) and
  2. You might be moving too soon too fast.

A lot of times when a relationship is built on passion, it doesn't work for the long haul. IDK exactly your situation because I am missing key details like what you talk about on a regular basis with him, what your interaction is like with him. Hard to relay this type of thing with someone on the internet.

I know a woman I go to group therapy with who I think did the same thing you are doing with this guy. He turned out to be an abuser. Same type of deal, met him, he's from a hispanic country and they got married. She hates him now and for good reason considering he owes her a lot of money and he was an abuser.

And finally, IDK why you come here of all places for advice instead of talking to people you know irl that know you as a person much better than a complete stranger on the internet that only knows you by some arbitrary letters. I'd ask your best friend before asking us.
 

Jennywocky

guud languager
Joined
Sep 25, 2008
Messages
10,576
Location
Charn
#5
Three months isn't much time, and there are things beyond personality issues that could cause miscommunication, incompatible expectations, and so on.

Everyone has a different level of threshold for what amount of risk they are willing endure, how much emotional intensity they need in a relationship, how much distance is allowed between two people in the relationship for it to continue, etc. So in the end you'll have to make up your own mind.

But three months isn't a lot of time to overcome personality and cultural differences and relocate to some other area of the country or a different country. I remember in my first major relationship, I needed 3-4 months just to 'fall out of love" and start to be able to tell the different between infatuation and the kind of connection that would allow a relationship to survive hardship. The fatherhood/child (and competing mother figure) complicates the matter, it's not quite as simple as it sounds. It's not as simple as it sounds, especially if geographical distance gets added into the mix; loyalties are divided.

It sounds fast, to me.

I would also worry less about whether you are compatible with a personality type and more about whether you are compatible and can align yourself with this specific man in this specific situation. Don't use assumed MBTI typing as a shorthand to not deal directly with this specific relationship; MBTI might be good to anticipate broad issues, but when you have the specific person and relationship there, key off that instead.
 

RicBC

Redshirt
Joined
May 26, 2015
Messages
22
#6
Look at what gives him energy, past and try to correlate yourself in supporting to do it in the future with you around. I mean do you fit in? Can you support him on regularly from that aspect. This will give him trust to move as fast as you do in life in general.

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