INTJs

[-ology]

I have only ever had "feelings" for two people. Feelings meaning someone I would want to see in a date type setting. I'm not sure I have ever wanted to fuck anyone outside of my own head, ever. Yet.
The first person was a ENFJ. But eventually (it was over two years) I believe they became more ENFJ, and I became more INTP (we were at an age where maturity levels were still evolving). Basically, we became so opposite that we could no longer compensate for what the other did not have. They began to annoy me, and over time it became a generally unhealthy relationship, where all that was left was some sort of sickening obsession and a desperate need to stop things from changing.
The second person was/is an INTJ. I have always been very attracted to INTJs, in films and books and such, but this is the first INTJ I have met in real life. We are estremely similar, save for the fact that I am much more whimsical, scatter brained, indecisive, and disorganized. Typical P/J differences. And thought the shared INT can be a bit of a conversation stopped, since neither of us are good at keeping the conversation going, and both of us are very catious about sharing bits of ourselves, there is good potential, and probably better compatibility than I had with previously mentioned ENFJ.

Has anyone here ever been in a relationship with an INTJ? Or have any thoughts on INTJs in general?

 

[Kidege]

There's several threads on them, such as INTP vs INTJ. There's also some good stuff in the Advice on INTP men thread.

 

[-ology]

The Advice on INTP Men thread was exciting!

 

[Kianara]

I'm an INTJ, and we rock.

But seriously, I don't consider myself to be a good adviser in this arena, but as an INTJ who has 'feelings' for an INTP, I can try my best to say what I look for.

- solid answers, the difference between INTJs and INTPs is the P/J. INTJs like to follow a road to it's end and find answers. INTPs will follow the road, see some cows off to the side, and run off to play. INTJs like solid, definitive answers, especially in (romantic) interpersonal situations. Saying you're not sure about your feelings will just make an INTJ feel like its a lost cause and that they should move on.

- spontaneity, it may seem a bit off for a 'J' to want some chaos/randomness in their life, but the ability to 'just wing it' is something we like in other people because its different. Girls especially like a guy to surprise her (in a GOOD way. Bad surprises + INTJs = punch in the face).

- RDF - Random Displays of Affection. INTJs and INTPs are some of the most self-contained types. We don't express emotion easily, which can make INTJ/INTP relationships seem awkward and wooden. Just try maybe once a week or something to do a RDF. Because INTJs (and INTPs) can find it awkward to express emotion, we really appreciate it when INTPs (or INTJs) go out of their 'comfort zone' to do so. Combine an RDF (flowers, a small gift, time set apart for intellectual debate) with spontaneity and you've got a recipe for success.

I'm not sure if this is any good, but it can't hurt to mull it over.

EDIT:

The Advice on INTP Men thread was exciting!

Glad you thought so.

 

[fullerene]

Combine an RDF (flowers, a small gift, time set apart for intellectual debate) with spontaneity and you've got a recipe for success.

you get two 's for that

 

[Kianara]

you get two 's for that

Duh. It's between INTJs and INTPs. Intellectual Intercourse is the norm.

 

[fullerene]

haha that's one of the 's... but can you spot the reason for the other?

 

[Kianara]

haha that's one of the 's... but can you spot the reason for the other?

The 'RDF' thing? I like thinking of affection to start with an 'F' Plus it looked nicer.

 

[loveofreason]

I've just ended a relationship with a INTJ.

I admit I entered it because, firstly, there was an attraction of ideas. and sexual attraction followed. It seemed we were going the same way, following - surprise! - the same map, and it made sense to travel together. I developed a very real affection for him but it wasn't like falling in love.

So maybe my experience doesn't apply to being "in love" with an INTJ.

Anyway, the similarities proved superficial. Our underlying philosophies and structures of thought were diametrically opposed.....I could never escape the feeling that he was operating on only a half set of data, and he could never accept that my updates and ideas had any validity because he simply couldn't see the information I was processing.

In the end it felt like leading a blind man around - a bad tempered arrogant one that insisted on telling me how wrong I was even though time and time again it was I that navigated around the 'imaginary' - Ha! - obstacles. We both became resentful.

Ni is hard to deal with because it leads the user to absolute certainty. It's the voice that says "I know". It will continue to "know" in conflict with facts. It is an inner conviction that can't be reasoned with. At least this is what I observed in this particular INTJ - I shouldn't be too hasty to conclude that they're all so challenged.

As for spontaneity... is your INTJ a control freak? BEWARE.

I must also say we were both phenomenally bad emotional communicators, but if you're both more trusting and can deal with intimicy that's one less handicap your relationship faces.

Hmmm. Actually I'm not sure if real warmth can develop between the two types. Decaf made note of it somewhere. It just seems a travesty of misunderstandings.

I'm convinced now that the most important thing is to be understood - if you're fortunate your INTJ may be capable of that.

This is all rather disjointed. Apologies.

 

[fullerene]

The 'RDF' thing? I like thinking of affection to start with an 'F' Plus it looked nicer.

haha no, no, I was just laughing because the INTJ thought that random spontaneity included an act of setting time apart for a debate, lol. It showed your type twice in three phrases.

 

[Kianara]

haha no, no, I was just laughing because the INTJ thought that random spontaneity included an act of setting time apart for a debate, lol. It showed your type twice in three phrases.

Gah! *headdesk* I feel so stupid! How 'bout just randomly showing up and starting a debate? Then switch positions halfway through.

(Could two negatives make a positive? Random + Spontaneity = Scheduled?)

As for spontaneity... is your INTJ a control freak? BEWARE.

Good point. My words were mostly dealing with an INTJ like myself (the only one I know) the kind that like INTPs and can deal with things not going exactly according to plan. If your INTJ is a very expressed J type and likes everything in it's place with a place for everything... then I hope you're not an extremely expressed P type.

 

[Perseus]

See

http://tinyurl.com/bdy3eq

A relationship is possible. I have found the INTJs are just too darn secretive to be trusted.

 

[Jesin]

Then switch positions halfway through.

Or have positions unspecified, so you get to make whatever argument you want whenever you want. That's my favorite kind of debate.

 

[fullerene]

Gah! *headdesk* I feel so stupid! How 'bout just randomly showing up and starting a debate? Then switch positions halfway through.

(Could two negatives make a positive? Random + Spontaneity = Scheduled?)

No worries .

Actually... that's very true, lol. Random spontaneity really does become scheduled if it's constant enough.

(on a side note, I might just use that as an example on another forum of INTJs and unclear sentence structure. I don't think it's what you meant, but it looked like you were calling randomness and spontaneity negative--also the + should probably be a * )

[/playful harassment]

 

[echoplex]

No, but I'm almost one. I argue with my J side on a regular basis.

 

[Kianara]

No worries .

Actually... that's very true, lol. Random spontaneity really does become scheduled if it's constant enough.

(on a side note, I might just use that as an example on another forum of INTJs and unclear sentence structure. I don't think it's what you meant, but it looked like you were calling randomness and spontaneity negative--also the + should probably be a * )

[/playful harassment]

It's all good. I like my procrastination and spontaneity to be scheduled. I'm just like that.

(Go ahead, I think I deserve it. And yes, the + should be a *. My bad.)