Keads
Redshirt
This is my first time posting here. I am very hesitant to write because I don't know how I'll be received.
I am 24 years old. I have been diagnosed with major depression, PTSD, social anxiety, general anxiety, and an avoidance disorder. I am in a constant state of unhappiness. Life holds no joy for me. I began feeling this way before I left for Iraq in 2005. Since I got back, every therapist and psychiatrist I have seen has been so focused on my combat deployment, that they do not question if there are underlying issues. I wanted to give a bit of background information to allow for more informed replies.
I decided to copy-paste something I've been working on for a month now. If I try to write how I feel, I will write as if to be read; will impact my words. It is best that I share what I have written for myself instead:
I am always sad. Not sure if it is internal or external. Sometime I blame my sadness on being alone. Sometimes I blame my sadness on the war. Sometime I blame my sadness on me. Truthfully, I don’t know where it comes from. There is never a moment that I am given the clarity to see through my emotional complexities. My best shot to survive is to live off what I am feeling at the moment. Past emotions do not apply to future or present emotions. They often contradict each other. What am I to do? I cannot rely on precedence for emotional stability.
Last month I was sure that my emotional state was the cause of my brother. The way he was always there to pull me down during my childhood. He would drain any confidence I may have felt, leech away any personal success with cynicism. I was certain that my inability to act and excessively high state of alertness was due my brother forcing me to always be aware of what those around me are thinking, but my ruined confidence filters their made-up thoughts through cynicism. I only hear the negative words they could use. Before I have begun a new venture, I have already failed in the eyes of those watching.
What is it like to truly be alone? I have been in solitude without feeling this lonely. I am progressively meeting more and more people. Not one of these people has ever made me feel ‘wanted’. Not one of these people has been thoughtful towards me. I constantly please people. I give them what they want of me and ask nothing in return. I have loved and sat idly by and watched as the person barely acknowledged me. Nobody sees me. They see what they want me to be. Some see me as a sweetheart, others a monster; I am neither. I am caring, brutal, harsh, kind, generous, empathetic, thoughtful, cold, logical, and fair. Will another person ever truly care for me or only what they mean to me? It is a fine line between love, and loving someone because they love you.
My life has gone progressively downhill since Iraq. I am filled with an overwhelming sadness when I look at pictures from my deployment. This sadness is not based on the men that died, but based on the entire experience of my deployment. I feel that I could have done more. I feel that I left much unaccomplished. I feel that I abandoned my friends that shared so much suffering with me. I often reminisce at pictures of my past-friends. They hold no love for me, I left them after a year overseas together. To be completely truthful, I fear they think I’m a coward for getting out of the army early. Its unbearable shame to talk to them knowing what they could be thinking.
When I look at my life through the eyes of the child I was 20 years ago, I cry. I am not what that child wanted to become. That child was energetic, happy, interested in life, and always wanted to do something new. I am none of these things now. The child I was would be ashamed of me. I’m ashamed of me.
I now believe that I am a victim of my conscience. I always listen to what it tells me to do. I have always tried not to disappoint myself by doing what I know to be wrong. I always play the honorable role when my conscience tells me to. I think I am up to nearly a half dozen times that a girl I am actively dating either decides she would rather be with the ex-boyfriend or another guy she is also dating. Every time I hear this, I do what I think to be right; I smile, tell her it is alright. Then I alleviate any guilt she may be feeling. I value the happiness of the person I date, so I would rather her be with the person that makes her happy, though it isn’t me. Every time it hurts, yet every time I respect her decision. Even writing this makes me feel like the same sad and pathetic person I feel like every time a girl chooses another man over me.
Nobody has ever made an effort to understand me, but I am understandable. The things I say about myself, regardless of how untrue they may be, must be believe at the time that I say them. I believe these things at the time that I say them. When I say I feel nothing, at the time it is true. At the time I have probably gone so long without a positive or negative emotion that I forget what it is like to feel them. When I say I feel nothing, at the time I say it I believe(d) it. To interpret me, another person would have to believe I mean the things I say, so they may feel what I feel, and also recognize that I may not be seeing the whole picture, and thus may be exaggerating.
My greatest personal tragedy is that nobody has ever put my first. Nobody has chosen to think of me and my feelings before their own, or even to think of my feelings for that matter. I cannot count how many times a girl I am dating either gets back together with an ex-boyfriend or picks someone else. It hurts an equal amount each time. Not because I was overly attached to the girl I was dating, but because it is one more assurance that I am not wanted. Does anyone want me? Will anyone ever think of me?
Will this level of awareness ever go away? I cannot have a conversation without wondering what the other person is thinking during it. It may be due to training, it may be an inherent trait of my personality, or it may be caused by something I have repressed and not yet thought of. I own every room. When I walk in, I know everything that goes on inside of this room. I know what is said by others, what is probably being thought by others, I know every minute detail of action that occurs in this space. When there are too many people to keep track of or too much is happening, I get overwhelmed. I can’t keep track of everything. I’ve been asked what I experience in crowds, I always make up some obscure answer about being either being afraid, PTSD, anger; something understandable. If I told them the truth, would they understand?
Communication is made difficult in the beginning of relationships because I can’t give it everything. I am led to believe by the media that if I really want it, really feel something more than lust for her, then I have to be vulnerable. I can’t hold back, I have to allow myself to be hurt. So I text/call/facebook without regard to the insecure, immature feelings of “what if I text too much, she’ll know I like her.”. What hurts most after I realize that the woman I’m dating is not interested in me, is that I feel ashamed for having felt anything for her. Not ashamed because of her, but ashamed because everyone else thinks I’m a fool for liking a girl that didn’t like me back. I am that afraid of my own emotions that I would rather have feelings based on the perspective of other people instead of feeling what I SHOULD be feeling after being rejected by another person. My focus is entirely on the thoughts of other people, that before long, I forget to ever feel what it was like to lose a girl I liked. The feeling dies before I ever gave it enough attention to ever “feel” it. I am not emotionless, but have limited perspective when emotional.
Any thoughts?
I am 24 years old. I have been diagnosed with major depression, PTSD, social anxiety, general anxiety, and an avoidance disorder. I am in a constant state of unhappiness. Life holds no joy for me. I began feeling this way before I left for Iraq in 2005. Since I got back, every therapist and psychiatrist I have seen has been so focused on my combat deployment, that they do not question if there are underlying issues. I wanted to give a bit of background information to allow for more informed replies.
I decided to copy-paste something I've been working on for a month now. If I try to write how I feel, I will write as if to be read; will impact my words. It is best that I share what I have written for myself instead:
I am always sad. Not sure if it is internal or external. Sometime I blame my sadness on being alone. Sometimes I blame my sadness on the war. Sometime I blame my sadness on me. Truthfully, I don’t know where it comes from. There is never a moment that I am given the clarity to see through my emotional complexities. My best shot to survive is to live off what I am feeling at the moment. Past emotions do not apply to future or present emotions. They often contradict each other. What am I to do? I cannot rely on precedence for emotional stability.
Last month I was sure that my emotional state was the cause of my brother. The way he was always there to pull me down during my childhood. He would drain any confidence I may have felt, leech away any personal success with cynicism. I was certain that my inability to act and excessively high state of alertness was due my brother forcing me to always be aware of what those around me are thinking, but my ruined confidence filters their made-up thoughts through cynicism. I only hear the negative words they could use. Before I have begun a new venture, I have already failed in the eyes of those watching.
What is it like to truly be alone? I have been in solitude without feeling this lonely. I am progressively meeting more and more people. Not one of these people has ever made me feel ‘wanted’. Not one of these people has been thoughtful towards me. I constantly please people. I give them what they want of me and ask nothing in return. I have loved and sat idly by and watched as the person barely acknowledged me. Nobody sees me. They see what they want me to be. Some see me as a sweetheart, others a monster; I am neither. I am caring, brutal, harsh, kind, generous, empathetic, thoughtful, cold, logical, and fair. Will another person ever truly care for me or only what they mean to me? It is a fine line between love, and loving someone because they love you.
My life has gone progressively downhill since Iraq. I am filled with an overwhelming sadness when I look at pictures from my deployment. This sadness is not based on the men that died, but based on the entire experience of my deployment. I feel that I could have done more. I feel that I left much unaccomplished. I feel that I abandoned my friends that shared so much suffering with me. I often reminisce at pictures of my past-friends. They hold no love for me, I left them after a year overseas together. To be completely truthful, I fear they think I’m a coward for getting out of the army early. Its unbearable shame to talk to them knowing what they could be thinking.
When I look at my life through the eyes of the child I was 20 years ago, I cry. I am not what that child wanted to become. That child was energetic, happy, interested in life, and always wanted to do something new. I am none of these things now. The child I was would be ashamed of me. I’m ashamed of me.
I now believe that I am a victim of my conscience. I always listen to what it tells me to do. I have always tried not to disappoint myself by doing what I know to be wrong. I always play the honorable role when my conscience tells me to. I think I am up to nearly a half dozen times that a girl I am actively dating either decides she would rather be with the ex-boyfriend or another guy she is also dating. Every time I hear this, I do what I think to be right; I smile, tell her it is alright. Then I alleviate any guilt she may be feeling. I value the happiness of the person I date, so I would rather her be with the person that makes her happy, though it isn’t me. Every time it hurts, yet every time I respect her decision. Even writing this makes me feel like the same sad and pathetic person I feel like every time a girl chooses another man over me.
Nobody has ever made an effort to understand me, but I am understandable. The things I say about myself, regardless of how untrue they may be, must be believe at the time that I say them. I believe these things at the time that I say them. When I say I feel nothing, at the time it is true. At the time I have probably gone so long without a positive or negative emotion that I forget what it is like to feel them. When I say I feel nothing, at the time I say it I believe(d) it. To interpret me, another person would have to believe I mean the things I say, so they may feel what I feel, and also recognize that I may not be seeing the whole picture, and thus may be exaggerating.
My greatest personal tragedy is that nobody has ever put my first. Nobody has chosen to think of me and my feelings before their own, or even to think of my feelings for that matter. I cannot count how many times a girl I am dating either gets back together with an ex-boyfriend or picks someone else. It hurts an equal amount each time. Not because I was overly attached to the girl I was dating, but because it is one more assurance that I am not wanted. Does anyone want me? Will anyone ever think of me?
Will this level of awareness ever go away? I cannot have a conversation without wondering what the other person is thinking during it. It may be due to training, it may be an inherent trait of my personality, or it may be caused by something I have repressed and not yet thought of. I own every room. When I walk in, I know everything that goes on inside of this room. I know what is said by others, what is probably being thought by others, I know every minute detail of action that occurs in this space. When there are too many people to keep track of or too much is happening, I get overwhelmed. I can’t keep track of everything. I’ve been asked what I experience in crowds, I always make up some obscure answer about being either being afraid, PTSD, anger; something understandable. If I told them the truth, would they understand?
Communication is made difficult in the beginning of relationships because I can’t give it everything. I am led to believe by the media that if I really want it, really feel something more than lust for her, then I have to be vulnerable. I can’t hold back, I have to allow myself to be hurt. So I text/call/facebook without regard to the insecure, immature feelings of “what if I text too much, she’ll know I like her.”. What hurts most after I realize that the woman I’m dating is not interested in me, is that I feel ashamed for having felt anything for her. Not ashamed because of her, but ashamed because everyone else thinks I’m a fool for liking a girl that didn’t like me back. I am that afraid of my own emotions that I would rather have feelings based on the perspective of other people instead of feeling what I SHOULD be feeling after being rejected by another person. My focus is entirely on the thoughts of other people, that before long, I forget to ever feel what it was like to lose a girl I liked. The feeling dies before I ever gave it enough attention to ever “feel” it. I am not emotionless, but have limited perspective when emotional.
Any thoughts?
, all you have to do is think about it and then really believe it.