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I hope my thoughs are all wrong

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#1
I am an INTP. Observing and analyzing things are my hobby. I am not usually into any friendship but now i'm getting attached to someone. I don't know if it's the INTP or i just have anxiety disorder but i keep feeling insecure and afraid of being betrayed. I have thoughts about how my friend might betrayed me, being different on my back. I keep thinking about this. Anyone in the same boat?

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Ex-User (13503)

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#2
Do you have any reason to believe these thoughts?

Trust is built by giving someone opportunity to earn it. If they don't betray you over little things, they earn access to progressively bigger things. If you suspect someone of something, just ask them. Test for breaches. If there's no reason not to trust them yet, why not give them a chance?
 
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#3
The reason is because before getting close to me, i saw my-now-friend used to getting along with somebody i consider as enemy (i had bad experiences with this person). Though now my friend sworn that there was no such relationship, i keep on being worried if my friend lied to me.

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Ex-User (13503)

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#4
So then it becomes, is your reasoning for considering this person an enemy valid?

And just waiting, giving your friend time and opportunity to screw up. The longer they don't screw up, the more trustworthy they become.

What specifically are you worried about? There's a chance your fears are overblown as well.
 
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#5
I had a problem with this person personally, and he blew it up at my workplace. I was new and he gained his friends to bully me socially. Really, i am not against g@y people, but this man with a mouth of woman really upset me. So i think it's valid to say at least this person and his circle is a big no for me.

This is also the cause of my fear. I and my friend are building a bussiness and it's paramount to me to know who i am working with. I just don't want to spend my time and effort with someone not loyal. Or even worse, i'm afraid if my friend has a secret relationship with my enemy. It just disgusts me, sorry.

So that's my thoughts. So far i observed how my friend interacted with others, how his attitude, if he is good at liying or not, his circle and if he interacts with my enemy.

Though i'm glad that i ve got no prove that he's betraying, i feel that thinking about this is a burden and i dont know how long i should worry about him.

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#6
lol people are complicated and fickle.
by remaining honest to yourself you at least know who you can trust.
 

Ex-User (13503)

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#7
Eh, if swallowing pride feels better than your anxiety, you could probably disarm any bad intent on their part by apologizing to this enemy person. It can't really do any harm. They might do the same in return, and you'll worry less.

And if you apologize and they do do something to harm you, you can justify revenge much more easily. Just saying.
 
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#9
Eh, if swallowing pride feels better than your anxiety, you could probably disarm any bad intent on their part by apologizing to this enemy person. It can't really do any harm. They might do the same in return, and you'll worry less.

And if you apologize and they do do something to harm you, you can justify revenge much more easily. Just saying.
Thank you but i prefer to avoid them at all. I just want to stop thinking about this. I just need to be sure if he is genuine or not. But i know i can never peek inside other's mind.

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#10
What is your attachment style?
I take him like a brother, a best friend. Somebody i can talk to about anything openly that my beloved partner wont understand as a female. I began to trust him to some extent and then decided to hold up before being certain about this matter. I think it's just not fun at all to take someone as a significant part of my life if that person has better relationship with my enemy. I can't take that kind of thing.

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#12
lol people are complicated and fickle.
by remaining honest to yourself you at least know who you can trust.
I've never took social life this serious before. I've never been really open to anyone and at this point am afraid if i made mistake and wasting my precious and limited time.

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#13
What is more important:
Your feeling of might being betrayed or your commitment to your friend?
That is the important decision.
And you also have the tools within you to make a decision.
Interesting. Though i think i've supported him fully so far, i don't really understand which commitment is it?
And the tools...would you explain it to me?

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#14
lol people are complicated and fickle.
by remaining honest to yourself you at least know who you can trust.
What is more important:
Your feeling of might being betrayed or your commitment to your friend?
That is the important decision.
And you also have the tools within you to make a decision.
Interesting. Though i think i've supported him fully so far, i don't really understand which commitment is it?
And the tools...would you explain it to me?

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You already have made the choice within your heart.
Now you have to commit to that choice and stick with it.
You are in doubt because you don't want to commit to that what you already figured out and face the consequences.
But that is what makes a man.
 

TransientMoment

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#15
You're over-analyzing it, which tends to happen in your twenties as a male 'cause your brain is changing it's wiring. Don't worry about it. Trust. Don't judge by inference. If there is going to be betrayal, it should be obvious. And ask some one else who knows the guy of their opinion. Playing a guessing game in the dark only increases the chances the other guy will accidentally step on one of your trip wires, thereby leading to a completely unnecessary breaking up of friendship. The last thing you need is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
 

Pizzabeak

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#16
That might just suck, focus on your life and career to think about who you have to network with then. There isn't much to come to grips with but to face life day to day when it comes to that. There is no next and it's just an obvious ploy to make it seem like it could actually be that one.
 
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#17
lol people are complicated and fickle.
by remaining honest to yourself you at least know who you can trust.
What is more important:
Your feeling of might being betrayed or your commitment to your friend?
That is the important decision.
And you also have the tools within you to make a decision.
Interesting. Though i think i've supported him fully so far, i don't really understand which commitment is it?
And the tools...would you explain it to me?

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You already have made the choice within your heart.
Now you have to commit to that choice and stick with it.
You are in doubt because you don't want to commit to that what you already figured out and face the consequences.
But that is what makes a man.
It's true, i just hope that i didnt waste my time. The possibilities are just two: either i am wasting my time or i am lucky to get a true genuine friend.

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#18
You're over-analyzing it, which tends to happen in your twenties as a male 'cause your brain is changing it's wiring. Don't worry about it. Trust. Don't judge by inference. If there is going to be betrayal, it should be obvious. And ask some one else who knows the guy of their opinion. Playing a guessing game in the dark only increases the chances the other guy will accidentally step on one of your trip wires, thereby leading to a completely unnecessary breaking up of friendship. The last thing you need is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Yes actually i still and always hope that my bad thoughts are wrong. I just find no clue about how to do it. Does it have to do with my brain changing its wiring? What is it?

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#19
That might just suck, focus on your life and career to think about who you have to network with then. There isn't much to come to grips with but to face life day to day when it comes to that. There is no next and it's just an obvious ploy to make it seem like it could actually be that one.
It's the first time my attention switched to a person instead of my career.

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Jennywocky

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#20
Perhaps you’re okay with your “thoughs” being wrong, but certainly it would complicate your life further and maybe you’d be happier if your “thoughs” were correct?

I mean, if we break this down, basically this means that your main ideas are correct, but any time you try to add some kind of contrary clarification to specify your point further, it typically runs afoot. The question thus centers around whether you should simply work harder to accept your points directly and unblemished, without clarification, or whether you should work on being more exacting when you write up qualifying points for your theses.

Thus, an example: “I like frogs and toads.” If you wish to qualify your sentence further, you would add something like “though I cannot stand the way they typically sing the high tenor of Mephistopheles in Berlioz’ ‘La Damnation de Faust.’” Would this seem typical of the problem you are describing, where your “thoughs” are typically inadequate or inaccurate?

Thus your “thoughs” here would need more care. For one, Mephistopheles is typically sung by at least a baritone. Thus perhaps you’d want to brush up on your French opera a bit.

Or you’d consider having your frogs sing the part of Faust, as it’s more suited to a tenor line… yet frogs do seem better suited for a low croaking role when they sing opera at all rather than Spanish flamenco or Scandanavian kulning, so perhaps your Bufo Americanus should abandon the lofty climes of C5 and instead remain in the rumbling cellar where it duly belongs.

There are many options here. “I like frogs and toads fricasseed in human and doused in basil” could be one mouth-watering alternative. “I like frogs and toads when they transmog into a beautiful prince(ss) enamored with my presence, upon kissing” could be another. The alternatives are endless. It merely takes some care to avoid having your “thoughs” take a wrong turn.


*reads body of thread*

Aw fudge.

Well, anyway, your thoughts becoming more "people centered" isn't weird. We're more than minds, although I think we tend to view ourselves a mental beings in flesh carcasses walking about, separate from our bodies. But (1) other people can impact our lives, so we can't just write people off in terms of their influence on us and our goals, and (2) we still grow familiar and/or attached to other people throughout the course of life, typically.

I think some of what being said is "don't overthink it." You're trying to predict risk by evaluating whether your friend is trustworthy and whether you can trust him, before he's done anything (aside from being able to befriend someone who you are discovering you don't like) to show he would be a risk. You don't want to isolate yourself early from people, as it's bad for you both in terms of becoming a more well-rounded person as well as accomplishing your goals. There's so much in life that you need the help of others to achieve (unless it's something personal and private); it's just the way it is in connected cultures.

I agree too about the need to cross-check your perceptions. Ask other people you trust of their opinion, just so you can get multiple data streams. You still will end up making the decisions of who you'll trust, but you need to know if your own perceptions are faulty in some way. Getting multiple data streams is very useful.

Tying this back to my silly intro, this is one of those things where maybe you hope your "thoughs" are wrong. (Yeah, I know you meant thoughts, I'm just being silly.) You have a big "though" here about your friend ("I want to trust him, though he's friends with someone I don't like and view as an enemy"), that you don't want to be true. Give your friend a chance. There's enough problems in life without looking for new ones. Be aware of possibilities of what COULD go wrong... but don't let them limit your options unnecessarily. A lot of this learning comes through life experience.
 

Rook

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#21
In an universe of so many billions billions of stars, no thought is wrong, no thought is right.

General rule is to never trust anyone in a bussiness relationship, that does not mean be paranoid, rather it means that people are not always reliable and predictable. Even your own father might meet a second wife and bail from biz etc.

If you don't trust the man fully, but still want to be associated biz wise or socialwise, simply set up a system where any betrayal will not influence your finances, or at least not ruin you.

If you believe him honest, ask him his direct opinion. If he lies or scorns you in favor of them, well so it is.

It is not uncommon for humans to expect loyalty from their friends, thoufh ofc paranoia is unneeded ( Unless moving in high-stake circles.)
 
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#22
@Jennywocky lol yea i noticed my typo a while after posting it and can't find a way to fix it :D plus im too lazy to ask about it lol. Thanks for all the responds guys. After reading the comments i summarized it and i found that the problem might be on my side. Well tbh thanks for reminding me, i just realized how i have become an overthinking person. And i have been being scared of the "what if(s)" from my choice in socializing. Maybe i shouldn't have expected too much loyalty from people? Because people are unique and i should understand that i should make a border to protect myself and in the same time having a good yet save relationship.

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