• OK, it's on.
  • Please note that many, many Email Addresses used for spam, are not accepted at registration. Select a respectable Free email.
  • Done now. Domine miserere nobis.

I feel like I don't fit in anywhere

Jared Landon

Member
Local time
Today, 15:17
Joined
Feb 16, 2020
Messages
74
For most of my life (I'm 35 now), I've felt like an outsider. I'm a friendly, good-natured guy and I have a good personality and a range of interests but I've always had issues with self confidence and finding friends. I was very shy and awkward in my teens and didn't have any friends at school. I feel like I missed out on a lot because of that and still feel insecure and embarrassed about it.

I moved to a different city after high school and I managed to work on my social skills enough to make some friends in college but I realized that I was not really being myself and had adopted and idealized version of myself to present to others. I don't have any friends anymore and although I really want friends, I don't want to be artificial. I don't care about having a huge circle of friends. I would settle for one really good friend that I could talk to about anything and be 100% honest and genuine around.

I don't know how to find good friends. I don't often meet people who would even be open to a friendship like that. I feel like I'm the only one like this sometimes.
 

Animekitty

baby marshmallow born today
Local time
Today, 13:17
Joined
Apr 4, 2010
Messages
6,705
Location
Dandelion field
I just do not socialize. (no friends)
I went into the pit of despair after graduating highschool.
I am 32 / male, looking for a girlfriend.
I am more interested in ideas where the irrelevant parts are taken out. (no fluff)
I have crazy ideas that I keep in blogs.
I am sort of a technoshaman. (bible fractals singularity)
No goals in life, just waiting for life to get cool soon.
 

peoplesuck

caretaker of machines
Local time
Today, 14:17
Joined
Apr 12, 2014
Messages
1,567
Location
only halfway there
Welcome amigo
I can relate to all of this. most people are extremely shallow, and have no interest in meaningful conversation.
 

Jared Landon

Member
Local time
Today, 15:17
Joined
Feb 16, 2020
Messages
74
Hey man, thanks for replying to my post. Maybe I'm impatient when it comes to meeting people. I want friends that I can open up to about myself and have them open up to me and that's not something that people do right away. I think for me, it's that I don't feel like a normal person and feel like most people would judge me if I spoke openly about my thoughts and feelings. I don't feel like my views on life and society fit the norm.
 

Animekitty

baby marshmallow born today
Local time
Today, 13:17
Joined
Apr 4, 2010
Messages
6,705
Location
Dandelion field
There is a lot of abnormality in society called normal.

The real problem is that you can't be yourself without validation so you can realize the weird side of yourself is something we all have.

I am no longer embarrassed about myself as much as I used to be. I had my fragile moments but I pulled through. Some things need more care but most of all a place to go and open up not necessarily a person but a place.
 

Animekitty

baby marshmallow born today
Local time
Today, 13:17
Joined
Apr 4, 2010
Messages
6,705
Location
Dandelion field
look at a circle of trust big to small
 

Jared Landon

Member
Local time
Today, 15:17
Joined
Feb 16, 2020
Messages
74
Yeah. Ive identified as AvPD since my teens. I pretty much check all of the boxes on that disorder.
 

peoplesuck

caretaker of machines
Local time
Today, 14:17
Joined
Apr 12, 2014
Messages
1,567
Location
only halfway there
Well then, you and I are in similar positions, only you are older. I suppose the obvious solution is to work on your beliefs so that they dont become self fulfilling prophecies.
If you can eliminate your issues, it is easier to make things work, I hope?
Luckily I have schizoid characteristics too...
good luck, sorry I cant help
 

Jared Landon

Member
Local time
Today, 15:17
Joined
Feb 16, 2020
Messages
74
How old are you and how long have you identified as AvPD? Have you worked through any of the associated issues?
 

peoplesuck

caretaker of machines
Local time
Today, 14:17
Joined
Apr 12, 2014
Messages
1,567
Location
only halfway there
most of my life, I recently made massive improvements.
I no longer isolate as much, and challenge all of my negative thoughts about myself.
Im still doing abysmally, but im making progress.
I talked about everything in my thread, titled: women freak me out
You can skim it and see
Im quite odd, in the fact that im extremely self aware, and able to do things that are very uncomfortable.
People are a lot of work because of all the things that come with avpd, in my opinion most people arent worth the effort.
Its a constant battle between isolating and reaching out, very exhausting.
 

Elen

Cold and damp
Local time
Today, 12:17
Joined
Jan 18, 2019
Messages
131
This reminds me of something read recently.

The Badass Personalities of People Who Like Being Alone

It validated my world view so I like it. :rolleyes:

No friends in highschool. The one friend I can be almost my true self around I met at university and it was like a lightening strike. We knew immediately we would be close and we've stayed close to this day. Even so, she is exhausting for me and I am sick of her after a day or two and I need a break.

Making friends with people I can be my true self around has basically always been impossible. So I just have groups I float around in. I get different kinds of social needs filled in each group. Little social sips I guess.

Otherwise, books video games are cool. IDK peopling is hard. I'd rather just read.

Uh, yeah so. Talked a BUNCH about myself but I didn't attack a core pillar of your identity so I'm feeling good about my contribution to this thread so far.

Welcome. :cat:
 

Inexorable Username

Well-Known Member
Local time
Today, 15:17
Joined
Nov 14, 2019
Messages
731
For most of my life (I'm 35 now), I've felt like an outsider. I'm a friendly, good-natured guy and I have a good personality and a range of interests but I've always had issues with self confidence and finding friends. I was very shy and awkward in my teens and didn't have any friends at school. I feel like I missed out on a lot because of that and still feel insecure and embarrassed about it.

I moved to a different city after high school and I managed to work on my social skills enough to make some friends in college but I realized that I was not really being myself and had adopted and idealized version of myself to present to others. I don't have any friends anymore and although I really want friends, I don't want to be artificial. I don't care about having a huge circle of friends. I would settle for one really good friend that I could talk to about anything and be 100% honest and genuine around.

I don't know how to find good friends. I don't often meet people who would even be open to a friendship like that. I feel like I'm the only one like this sometimes.
Try meeting people online. That's easier for me. You can even use a dating app, but tell people in your profile you're just looking for friends. It's a lot easier to meet people online and talk to them there than it is to meet them in person. Then, when you both really know each other, you can meet up in person and see how it goes.

I also recommend therapy, maybe? CBT can be incredibly helpful for fears like this.

Anyways...Just talking to people online and hearing about their feelings and their experiences, as well as opening up a bit about some of your own, should help. The more you empathize with others, the more relatable you will find them, and the less intimidating they will seem. So try posting on INTPf a bit and get to know some of the people here! We don't bite :)
 

Inexorable Username

Well-Known Member
Local time
Today, 15:17
Joined
Nov 14, 2019
Messages
731
This reminds me of something read recently.

The Badass Personalities of People Who Like Being Alone

It validated my world view so I like it. :rolleyes:

No friends in highschool. The one friend I can be almost my true self around I met at university and it was like a lightening strike. We knew immediately we would be close and we've stayed close to this day. Even so, she is exhausting for me and I am sick of her after a day or two and I need a break.

Making friends with people I can be my true self around has basically always been impossible. So I just have groups I float around in. I get different kinds of social needs filled in each group. Little social sips I guess.

Otherwise, books video games are cool. IDK peopling is hard. I'd rather just read.

Uh, yeah so. Talked a BUNCH about myself but I didn't attack a core pillar of your identity so I'm feeling good about my contribution to this thread so far.

Welcome. :cat:
Ho-lee-cranberries! You ARE a human Elen? Congratulations. I never would have guessed! :D
 

Jared Landon

Member
Local time
Today, 15:17
Joined
Feb 16, 2020
Messages
74
Having Avoidant Personality Disorder makes it pretty hard to have a social life but I'm not a loner. I really want to have close friends but it seems impossible. The only people I think I could actually be close friends with are other AvPD people and they are impossible to find.

AvPDs are characterized as being fearful of intimacy but not nessessarily unwanting of intimacy. I feel like the person I am and the person I want to be are not in harmony. I tend to spend a lot of time fixated on fantasies. I know I shouldn't torture myself like that but I can't help it.
 

Inexorable Username

Well-Known Member
Local time
Today, 15:17
Joined
Nov 14, 2019
Messages
731
Having Avoidant Personality Disorder makes it pretty hard to have a social life but I'm not a loner. I really want to have close friends but it seems impossible. The only people I think I could actually be close friends with are other AvPD people and they are impossible to find.

AvPDs are characterized as being fearful of intimacy but not nessessarily unwanting of intimacy. I feel like the person I am and the person I want to be are not in harmony. I tend to spend a lot of time fixated on fantasies. I know I shouldn't torture myself like that but I can't help it.
I meeeeaaannn......I'm fearful of intimacy - but I still want it!
Also, excessively fantasizing in isolation is pretty normal I think. Just look at the guy from Cast Away. He made friends with Wallace. Or William - or whatever the volleyball's name was.

This isn't me trying to downplay your disorder. But sometimes when the world diagnoses us, we have a tendency to assume we're broken beyond repair. That's certainly not the case. You're predisposed to a certain personality quirk - much like I'm predisposed to growing a little blonde piece of hair on my chin that wants to pretend to be a beard. (Sometimes I stroke it and pretend it makes me smarter!)

I don't know if there's a single person on this forum that doesn't have a decently messed up life XD
Happy to have you in the club!

What do you think it is that you fear most about intimacy - hurting the person, or the person hurting you?
 

Elen

Cold and damp
Local time
Today, 12:17
Joined
Jan 18, 2019
Messages
131
I imagine it all comes down to vulnerability. I don't know anything about AvPD though so...


Also....Inex is incorrect about us biting.

We do bite.

If you want us to. :cat: :twisteddevil:
 

peoplesuck

caretaker of machines
Local time
Today, 14:17
Joined
Apr 12, 2014
Messages
1,567
Location
only halfway there
Having Avoidant Personality Disorder makes it pretty hard to have a social life but I'm not a loner. I really want to have close friends but it seems impossible. The only people I think I could actually be close friends with are other AvPD people and they are impossible to find.

AvPDs are characterized as being fearful of intimacy but not nessessarily unwanting of intimacy. I feel like the person I am and the person I want to be are not in harmony. I tend to spend a lot of time fixated on fantasies. I know I shouldn't torture myself like that but I can't help it.
which subcategory of avpd are you?
I think this has a huge impact on how you tackle the issue.
I think self deserting would be the worst. Im probably conflicted avoidant, idk. I have moved away from diagnosis, and more towards figuring out the issue, then fixing it. As long as you are responsible and self aware, I dont see self diagnosing being an issue.
For me its super confusing, because I went from avoidant to schizoid back to avoidant.
[TABLE]
[TR]
[TH]Subtype and description[/TH][TH]Personality traits[/TH]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Phobic avoidant (including dependent features)[/TD][TD]General apprehensiveness displaced with avoidable tangible precipitant; qualms and disquietude symbolized by repugnant and specific dreadful object or circumstances.[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Conflicted avoidant (including negativistic features)[/TD][TD]Internal discord and dissension; fears dependence; unsettled; unreconciled within self; hesitating, confused, tormented, paroxysmic, embittered; unresolvable angst.[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Hypersensitive avoidant (including paranoid features)[/TD][TD]Intensely wary and suspicious; alternately panicky, terrified, edgy, and timorous, then thin-skinned, high-strung, petulant, and prickly.[/TD]
[/TR]
[TR]
[TD]Self-deserting avoidant (including depressive features)[/TD][TD]Blocks or fragments self awareness; discards painful images and memories; casts away untenable thoughts and impulses; ultimately jettisons self (suicidal).[2[/TD]
[/TR]
[/TABLE]
 

Inexorable Username

Well-Known Member
Local time
Today, 15:17
Joined
Nov 14, 2019
Messages
731
^ Oh well that's different.

Anyways - full disclosure. Pretty sure she bites. I can feel the cannibalism rolling off of her texts in waves.

The rest of us though are vegetarians.
 

Jared Landon

Member
Local time
Today, 15:17
Joined
Feb 16, 2020
Messages
74
I suppose I'm fearful of rejection; being rejected by the other person or by myself. I'm naturally a very gentle and affectionate person in my own way but I've never had the self confidence to show it. My lack of social experience lead me to develop a porn habit which is probably a common outlet for AvPDs. I'm sure that has had an effect on how I feel about intimacy. It's a double edged sword.
 

peoplesuck

caretaker of machines
Local time
Today, 14:17
Joined
Apr 12, 2014
Messages
1,567
Location
only halfway there

peoplesuck

caretaker of machines
Local time
Today, 14:17
Joined
Apr 12, 2014
Messages
1,567
Location
only halfway there
I suppose I'm fearful of rejection; being rejected by the other person or by myself. I'm naturally a very gentle and affectionate person in my own way but I've never had the self confidence to show it. My lack of social experience lead me to develop a porn habit which is probably a common outlet for AvPDs. I'm sure that has had an effect on how I feel about intimacy. It's a double edged sword.
Despite (most likely) having the disorder, I cant really help because Im an oddball, even when it comes to oddballs.
However, im sure this is super common among intp's and someone can help.
But it sounds like you know what to do, stop second guessing and get out there and fix your issue?
Personal growth is miserable and painful, but if you dont want to be where you are, you have to walk across some burning coals to get to the other side.
 

Elen

Cold and damp
Local time
Today, 12:17
Joined
Jan 18, 2019
Messages
131
I suppose I'm fearful of rejection; being rejected by the other person or by myself. I'm naturally a very gentle and affectionate person in my own way but I've never had the self confidence to show it. My lack of social experience lead me to develop a porn habit which is probably a common outlet for AvPDs. I'm sure that has had an effect on how I feel about intimacy. It's a double edged sword.
That sounds really hard. :slashnew:

Hang out and see if any of our (very circular and generally argumentative) discussions catch you eye.
 

Jared Landon

Member
Local time
Today, 15:17
Joined
Feb 16, 2020
Messages
74
Having an almost non existent social life and love life is not an easy thing to share. It's not something I'm proud of but I don't want to hide who I am.
 

peoplesuck

caretaker of machines
Local time
Today, 14:17
Joined
Apr 12, 2014
Messages
1,567
Location
only halfway there
Having an almost non existent social life and love life is not an easy thing to share. It's not something I'm proud of but I don't want to hide who I am.
The first time I ever cuddled with someone I was 22, and it was a childhood friend. First kiss was at 22, still a virgin.
Welcome to the club, amigo You have come to the right place.
 

Jared Landon

Member
Local time
Today, 15:17
Joined
Feb 16, 2020
Messages
74
I had one close friend in my teens who I'm pretty sure also had AvPD. We were both shy virgins and were totally comfortable and open with each other. We started watching porn and masturbating together and I suppose that was my first experience with intimacy.

The two of us grew apart after high school because he began hanging out with some people I didn't like. I later found out he died of a drug overdose.
 

peoplesuck

caretaker of machines
Local time
Today, 14:17
Joined
Apr 12, 2014
Messages
1,567
Location
only halfway there
Sorry to hear that, have you considered therapy? It would remove a lot of the risk of rejection, and would give you guidance
 

Jared Landon

Member
Local time
Today, 15:17
Joined
Feb 16, 2020
Messages
74
I think I just need to find people I can relate to and who can relate to me. That would do wonders for me.
 

Serac

A menacing post slithers
Local time
Today, 20:17
Joined
Jun 7, 2017
Messages
2,931
Location
Stockholm
I recommend medication and electroshock therapy.


I'm joking.

I can see 2 flaws in thinking here: 1) being dependent on outcome - i.e. you have specific outcomes in mind (like finding someone you can be 100% honest and genuine around), 2) you expect this to happen based on you being "your true self".

what is the true self - it's just a bunch of acquired mindsets, habits and responses to the outside world. If you haven't been able to connect with anyone in the course of 35 years, there is likely some stuff you do which prevents connection to happen.

my recommendation would be: unstifle yourself, figure out how to prevent your insecurities from expressing yourself, figure out what people respond to, how to express your best qualities in a charismatic way (that doesn't mean being an outgoing, extroverted clown, it just means owning it, whatever you have), figure out how to make people relaxed and how to project a good vibe.
 

Jared Landon

Member
Local time
Today, 15:17
Joined
Feb 16, 2020
Messages
74
My social skills have improved a lot over the years and I've gotten pretty good and making conversation. I would even say I can be charismatic if I'm around the right kinds of people. The problem is that I feel like I'm playing a character for other people. I'm not nessessarily acting artificial but I'm only showing people the parts that I feel are presentable. I understand that this is normal social behaviour and everyone does this but I want deep friendships and not just aquainences. This is what has alluded me all these years. I don't know how to get past pleasent conversation.
 

Jared Landon

Member
Local time
Today, 15:17
Joined
Feb 16, 2020
Messages
74
I'll admit that I am fixated on meeting very specific kinds of people, but only b cause I have no desire for shallow friendships. I want to be around people that I get and who get me.
 

Elen

Cold and damp
Local time
Today, 12:17
Joined
Jan 18, 2019
Messages
131
It is harder as you get older to make friendships simply because many 30 somethings are busy with having kids and building their careers. They have less downtime and less energy for things that aren't already inside their busy world.

It isn't impossible though. However, every relationship is going to start off shallow. You have to temper your expectations a little, at least at first. Just like you the other person wants to protect themselves and don't want to be vulnerable with you till they feel safe. If you want friendships find a group that meets-up regularly around a hobby you enjoy. Into DnD? Go to a game shop and see if they host a weekly campaign. Like reading? Look for a book club. I'm a fiber artist and I've joined a guild where I meet other fiber artists and we get nerdy about felting and the intricacies of brioche stitch.

My point is the first step is meeting people outside of your co-worker circle in a place or during an event where you have a pre-built in reason to interact. Then you have to make a point of showing up regularly. Just showing up is 90% of making friends. It is much easier to open up after spending time talking about things you enjoy with someone you can trust will be back next week. Then make a point of asking the ones you feel closest to about their lives. Ask how their partners are doing and what their kids are up to. And also make a point of opening up about your own life if you have things going on.

That is how people make friends. But you have to work through the early stages of shallow interactions to be proven worthy of more intimacy.
 

Rebis

Blessed are the hearts that can bend
Local time
Today, 20:17
Joined
Oct 6, 2019
Messages
1,623
Location
Ireland

"Recent research has given us a better understanding of why. One benefit of unsociability is the brain’s state of active mental rest, which goes hand-in-hand with the stillness of being alone. When another person is present, your brain can’t help but pay some attention. This can be a positive distraction. But it’s still a distraction.

Daydreaming in the absence of such distractions activates the brain’s default-mode network. Among other functions, this network helps to consolidate memory and understand others’ emotions. Giving free rein to a wandering mind not only helps with focus in the long term but strengthens your sense of both yourself and others. Paradoxically, therefore, periods of solitude actually help when it comes time to socialise once more. And the occasional absence of focus ultimately helps concentration in the long run."

"In fact, Feist says, “there’s a real danger with people who are never alone.” It’s hard to be introspective, self-aware, and fully relaxed unless you have occasional solitude. In addition, introverts tend to have fewer but stronger friendships – which has been linked to greater happiness. "

Consider that you've had time to think deeply about many things, while people that socialise often are stripped of the ability for deep introspection. As a result, you're probably on an entirely different plane of awareness than they are. They've not had the time to ponder what you have if they're around other people constantly distracting them. Secondly, you cannot force a connection. If you truly wanted to be around someone, it would probably happen one way or another. Maybe it's just your primal social instincts kicking in.

We all want friends, but if you spend the vast majority by yourself in introspection, then the probability you will meet someone that's reached your level of consciousness (Not to be pretentious or anything), it's just infinitely more difficult to find that. So if you're the closest thing to the person of equal stature you're seeking then you should maybe come to the realization you're too introverted and that's how life will be.

This post confused me, I'm not sure why. I may have given a response that might not specifically apply to your situation, more so to people that think they're loners and it's a bad thing.
 

Elen

Cold and damp
Local time
Today, 12:17
Joined
Jan 18, 2019
Messages
131
"In fact, Feist says, “there’s a real danger with people who are never alone.” It’s hard to be introspective, self-aware, and fully relaxed unless you have occasional solitude. In addition, introverts tend to have fewer but stronger friendships – which has been linked to greater happiness. "
I have never felt so SEEN. :auburn:

But, yes. @Jared Landon Myadvice is to beware putting too much emphasis on the "tragedy" of not having friends. Though, it is easy for us to say that right? Being stuck in depression and isolation makes all that sound like prattle and BS.

download.jpeg
 

EndogenousRebel

We're all trying our best. Aren't we?
Local time
Today, 14:17
Joined
Jun 13, 2019
Messages
315
Location
Narnia
Would you say that you are a centrist, not strictly in the political sense? I found that when you sit in the middle on many things that you have more and more enemies on both sides, as you are not willing to conform to anyone's standards or models of the world. Most people are not looking to have skeptical people in their lives. I like to call these people stupid, as the smart ones will at least come to you when they truly want an impartial perspective.

Personally, I have never felt like I have belonged to any group, besides my small group of friends in high school. None of them were what I would call incompetent or unnecessarily ignorant, their identities shaped around things that interested them, which had had real depth.

About (stupid) people not liking skeptics, I think this along with the fact that I was singled out from my culture simply because I was white and had a different accent is why I think I've never belonged in any sub or plain culture. The only identity I want to associate with are doers, and people that are actually doing stuff aren't socializing very much unless it's with the end goal of networking in mind.

It's only now where I'm living separately, mostly alone, that I am resenting having a small group of friends, who themselves aren't a social bunch. I can't help it, I cut people down when they spew logically weak garbage. It's a terrible habit, and I am working to curb it. Though maybe this will lead to more unhappiness, at least this way I know for sure.
 

Jared Landon

Member
Local time
Today, 15:17
Joined
Feb 16, 2020
Messages
74
Advice suggesting that I stop seeking friends and just accept that I'm a loner depressed me. I have a hard time believing that in the 7 billion people on this planet, I can find one to truely connect with? Nobody is that unique. Besides, as much as I value my alone time, I find most things are more enjoyable when shared with other people. It's a matter of finding the right people.
 

Jared Landon

Member
Local time
Today, 15:17
Joined
Feb 16, 2020
Messages
74
I'm surprised there aren't more websites and apps for finding like minded friends. It's seems that everything is gear towards dating or hooking up and there's almost nothing out there for finding friends.
 

Rebis

Blessed are the hearts that can bend
Local time
Today, 20:17
Joined
Oct 6, 2019
Messages
1,623
Location
Ireland
Advice suggesting that I stop seeking friends and just accept that I'm a loner depressed me. I have a hard time believing that in the 7 billion people on this planet, I can find one to truely connect with? Nobody is that unique. Besides, as much as I value my alone time, I find most things are more enjoyable when shared with other people. It's a matter of finding the right people.
No, I'm telling you that being a loner isn't a negative thing and once you stop thinking it's a negative thing maybe you can free yourself from idolising the idea of having a friend to connect with. Some people can't stand being by themselves and literally need friends to avoid being alone. You, on the other hand can spend ample time by yourself and not desire another person from dawn to dusk.

Not to be belittle you or anything, I just think people overemphasize what it's like to have a friend if they've been by themselves for a while. Have you ever ridden a hype train? It can be the same experience. And honestly, a friend that you're 100% honest with and are entirely genuine is fantasy. I think a friend is a lot to ask for given you probably have low social energy and you would prefer to keep to yourself.

I'm not saying don't find a friend and I wish you luck in finding one, but maybe you want a friend to satisfy your own feelings of loneliness here and there, someone's that's 100% honest with you like they're some experiment of how to socialise with people IRL and when they want you to hang out with them to watch TV for a few hours, go to the shop, go drinking, go on holidays etc that you don't want any of that. Maybe you need to consider that friendships have benefits and drawbacks and see if that changes your perspective. I mean I've tried to integrate with groups of friends and they would be content watching TV shows like love island, E4 and the likes for half the day. They don't want philosophical concepts nor do they want to talk about anything interesting. They just want to watch redundant conversational sitcoms. Maybe that's precisely why you have a hard time finding friends because these type of people make up a large amount of the population.

My dad's like mid-40s or something, he's INTP and he doesn't mind at all being by himself. He pirates content like a black-hole absorbing matter and for the most part gets along fine, he's stoned 24/7 but the point is that being by yourself has a lot of benefits. We have a lot of content to virtualise our life- Movies, TV, Books,games and music. It's a blessing to be born in this generation as an introvert as so much of art has been documented and virtualized on the web. If you open up your imagination you'll realise there's very little need for a physical friend that you can't find on the web.

What's wrong with online friends? I'm sure people on this forum value each other's conversation a lot more than real-life counterparts. I'm speaking from a point of privilege but if I had to pick between some friends IRL and the INTPf bois I'd pick someone from here. I mean what type of friendship do you want anyway? Bowling, partying, eating overpriced dinner? Nope, you want to talk about ideas about the world. Philosophies. Concepts. You can do all of that here, or infact anywhere on the internet. If you want to find someone like you, one that keeps to themselves spending a lot of time online then look no further than the website you're on, or literally any other website forum.
 

Rebis

Blessed are the hearts that can bend
Local time
Today, 20:17
Joined
Oct 6, 2019
Messages
1,623
Location
Ireland
Imagine how many 100s of people you would have to meet that would be cooler than the character of Ragnar Lothbrok played in Vikings. Just a thought. I have friends so I speak from privilege but we take regularly breaks from each other, sometimes for months but we'll meet up like nothing ever changed.
 

Elen

Cold and damp
Local time
Today, 12:17
Joined
Jan 18, 2019
Messages
131
Yeah, that was not my advice either. I just think being overly focused on finding friends isn't helpful.

Despite everything I said above I am contently married to someone who isn't boring and shallow.

I met him while seeking out groups of peoples who enjoy the same hobbies as I do. :p
 

Tomten

Member
Local time
Today, 21:17
Joined
Jan 5, 2019
Messages
33
For most of my life (I'm 35 now), I've felt like an outsider. I'm a friendly, good-natured guy and I have a good personality and a range of interests but I've always had issues with self confidence and finding friends. I was very shy and awkward in my teens and didn't have any friends at school. I feel like I missed out on a lot because of that and still feel insecure and embarrassed about it.

I moved to a different city after high school and I managed to work on my social skills enough to make some friends in college but I realized that I was not really being myself and had adopted and idealized version of myself to present to others. I don't have any friends anymore and although I really want friends, I don't want to be artificial. I don't care about having a huge circle of friends. I would settle for one really good friend that I could talk to about anything and be 100% honest and genuine around.

I don't know how to find good friends. I don't often meet people who would even be open to a friendship like that. I feel like I'm the only one like this sometimes.
Maybe you want friends since you feel insecure and embarrassed about your lack of them in school and now want to redeem yourself. I used to feel the same way about my lack of friends in school but once I got over that I stopped caring about having friends. Now I even purposely isolate myself and do not want to have it any other way.
 

Puffy

Aquila
Local time
Today, 20:17
Joined
Nov 7, 2009
Messages
2,914
Location
Hanaqpacha
I have identified with your description OP and had avoidant traits as well. There are likely still aspects of it now but it would be considerably different for me compared to 10 or even 3 years ago.

Some of the main variables that I think helped for me:

- Gradually challenging feared stimulus and "not doing" what my fear tells me to do. I've come to learn there isn't really anything to be afraid of and that my negative thoughts are essentially illusions. But I could only learn that by testing my fears against reality. And by cultivating self-awareness to recognise when I'm dipping into the "illusion". At a gentle pace obviously.

- Focusing on self-compassion, generosity to, and healing my relationship to myself. If I love myself, there isn't any reason to fear other's judgements. There are endless ways to practice that. I've found for me that feeling disconnected, lonely or isolated are more to do with my disconnection to myself.

- Avoidant traits are characterised by "contraction" imo. The afflicted person is completely contracted by fear - physically, emotionally, socially, energetically. I gradually went deeper into expansive & freeing activities - like uninhibited dance, clowning, improv - that allow me to be present to and fully occupy myself and the situation. It takes time, but I've found it very helpful.

- Recognising that I actually love other people. I used to think similarly to a lot of sentiments on this forum of resenting others and "normies". But I realised that for me this resentment just masked a hidden desire to be close & accepted. I want friends, I want partners. I have no desire to be "different", simply myself. So I choose to take an active interest in others, to participate rather than isolate, and treat them as if they want to get to know me. In essence I try to say "yes" rather than "no" on instinct to social situations. I've found there are a lot more people with commonalities than my negative thinking would make out.

Among other things! :clown:
 

Jared Landon

Member
Local time
Today, 15:17
Joined
Feb 16, 2020
Messages
74
I didn't need lots of friends. I'd settle for one close friend. It's not just about having someone to hang out with or share interests with. I can have that if I want. It's more about being able to have a totally uninhibited friendship and not feel like I should hide anything about myself.
 

EndogenousRebel

We're all trying our best. Aren't we?
Local time
Today, 14:17
Joined
Jun 13, 2019
Messages
315
Location
Narnia
I didn't need lots of friends. I'd settle for one close friend. It's not just about having someone to hang out with or share interests with. I can have that if I want. It's more about being able to have a totally uninhibited friendship and not feel like I should hide anything about myself.
I don't know what to tell you. You are definitely valid in your desire, maybe I'm cynical/pessimistic but I don't know if this type of relationship is likely to happen, outside of intimate relationships, certain situations like magnetic social bonds or connecting through social media over years. BUT

Something that I do feel compelled to tell you about, as I feel it could be a good outlet, is maybe trying to use voice message social media. I remember using it a long time ago and having various conversations through voice recordings. It feels closer and personal and in the right case, I could see it maybe lead to a budding friendship. I don't remember which one I used but it's definitely one of the two (Voxxer of Bubbly) in this article. I got off it because I felt too comfortable talking to a whole bunch of strangers and I had plenty of friends in school. I don't know the demographics, but do give it a chance.
 

Serac

A menacing post slithers
Local time
Today, 20:17
Joined
Jun 7, 2017
Messages
2,931
Location
Stockholm
I didn't need lots of friends. I'd settle for one close friend. It's not just about having someone to hang out with or share interests with. I can have that if I want. It's more about being able to have a totally uninhibited friendship and not feel like I should hide anything about myself.
but why do you need some one particular person in order not to hide anything about yourself, why not just not hide anything about yourself. Have you considered the possibility that it is because you are hiding things about yourself that you haven't found anyone with whom you don't need to hide anything about yourself? And moreover do you expect others not to hide anything about themselves so as to make it easier for you to find the person with whom you don't need to hide anything about yourself, while in the meantime you hide things about yourself?
 

Jared Landon

Member
Local time
Today, 15:17
Joined
Feb 16, 2020
Messages
74
I am a loner, but not because I like to be constantly alone. I truely do value the company of other people. Sure I like my alone time too but most things are funner when shared. I agree that a lot of people are content with idle chit chat and don't want to get into deep discussions about anything. I'm not interested in shallow friendships, but I do want physical friends IRL. Sitting in front of a screen day after day isn't fun or rewarding and it's no way to live. I want to get out and have fun in the world and I'd like some company.
 

Jared Landon

Member
Local time
Today, 15:17
Joined
Feb 16, 2020
Messages
74
I think I just feel inadequate around other people. That's why I have a hard time opening up about myself. I feel embarrassed that I haven't had the social experiences that I would like to have had.

It's not nessessarily about feeling equal. It's about feeling proud of myself. I admire people who get out and do a lot with their time on earth and experience a lot. I wish I could be that way but I don't have the confidence.

A lot of loners seem to think that wanting friends is waste of time and energy but that don't realize that you can gain a lot of knowledge and experience from other people. That's how the human race got so knowledgable in the first place. No one person is that smart. It's about collaborating.

Another thing to consider is intimacy. People need that feeling in life. It's not just about satisfying an urge, it's about sharing something with another person.
 
Top Bottom