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Generally, does love find you or do you have to find it or work for it?

onesteptwostep

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Welp. So basically I think this girl I met at a certain camp has a bf- albert I never really took the time to get to know her more since I had to leave the camp prematurely- but I did get her number and a promise to "see each other" about a month later because she's taking a 'short trip' with her mom for like a month. I don't want to be tenaciously cynical and think she's created this scheme just to mess with me, but that's basically where my emotions are taking me at the moment. What triggered my suspicion is her new profile picture... amen. It basically has her either giving or receiving a single purple rose. I can't tell is the other hand is a girl or a boy, but it's really messing with me for a moment. Ugh. Jealously.. I feel pretty petty right now but damn, damn emotions in general lol.

Anyway my question is somewhat of a tangent to this.. I honesty had a "crush" or an "interest" in this girl, but I sometimes wonder if love is something you actually have to wait for to come into your lap. I've had several girls confess to me before but I've never had repricical feelings so I never took their 'heart' I guess, for a lack of a better phrase. What do you guys think? For those of you who are already in relationships or are married, how did your relationship come about? What do you think generally happens? What's the easy, risk-free and emotionally least hassling way to come into the bosoms of one you love?

Or should I like be celibate idk wat do
 

moody

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I can offer mainly second-hand advice, mixed with first-hand. I don't know what kind of person this girl is, but I can tell you that trying to read too much into someone's actions and plans is really annoying... if she did promise a follow up to see you, just wait and follow up. Simple as that.

I don't think any type of relationship just "falls on your lap." Making assumptions isn't the way to approach a new relationship, because it just puts the other person in a box and makes you act differently. A little bit of confidence can help you act like a nicer, more attentive person, which is always more attractive.

Keep in mind that emotional reactions are often knee-jerk, and not always the best to base your actions off of. If you value someone, you'll act based off of what they've expressed to you.
 

Niclmaki

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Disclaimer: This is mostly observation, I’m personally not interested in having a romantic life. But I have seen family members and close friends go through relationships and have talked about it with them, so I think I can say a few things.

It’s different for everyone, you’ll hear people give answers that are on opposite ends of a spectrum. Eg. “When you know, you know” vs “you have to work at it to make it work”.

Like you, I did have a few confess a crush on me. I only ever tried a relationship with one. I actually did grow very fond of, and love her. But only ever as a friend. (It also took about 2 years...) Even still, romance levels from me were at 0%. I’m 80-95% sure I’m just asexual/aromantic.

In my opinion, there is no short cut or easy way. Infatuation is just a trick of biology just to get you motivated. Some people are just lucky when it works out well without effort.
 

washti

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What's the easy, risk-free and emotionally least hassling way to come into the bosoms of one you love?
There are three ways:

1. Enter the state of delirium, and create a belief that the coitus took place

2. Ask for the cast of the vagina of a loved one and wear it on the chain.

3. Ensure two places in the ergonomic possibilities test during copulation in vacuum. Convince loved one that she dreams of space-travel. Have an intercourse in discomfort . Wait for a phone call.
 

Serac

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ya can't force outcomes in these things. All you can do is to expose yourself to opportunities (very much like she did when she gave you her number).
 

Grayman

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Like a lost item, I found it when I stopped looking for it.
 

CatGoddess

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Hmm, I usually find my lost items when I trick someone else into "helping" me look for them. Because my observation skills = 0.

As for love, I have no clue. Not sure I've experienced it.

EDIT: I don't go out of my way to find or work for it, either. I guess I have better things to do with my time?
 

onesteptwostep

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Thanks everyone for the sound advise and input.. I'll just have to wait I guess. If you think about it rationally and cooly the person might not even have a bf anyways. In other news there are, luckily, several other girls whom I can place my attention to at the moment so.. haha.

Wait does that make me a pimp?

<_<

Nah...
 

CatGoddess

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Merriam-Webster said:
pimp: a criminal who is associated with, usually exerts control over, and lives off the earnings of one or more prostitutes
confuzzled
 

onesteptwostep

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I didn't mean it in the literal sense lol
 

Grayman

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Merriam-Webster said:
pimp: a criminal who is associated with, usually exerts control over, and lives off the earnings of one or more prostitutes
confuzzled
I wonder, what are you if it's legal in your country to hire out prostitutes? A businessman?
 

washti

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It's crucial to determine if sexual sercive was delivered by self-employed prostitute or one working for agencies. And if client using it hired prostitute/s for business party ( for it's employees or clients) or privately. Businessman would be when service is b2b. On any cases we can safely call the person a consumer.
 

Adaire

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Gets jealous over something incredibly minor, then copes with jealousy by playing the field to assuage ego. That's some cognitive dissonance, friend.

Either you care or you don't. Either is fine, but you can't do both. Maybe you should wait a few years for anything serious til you settle down a bit.
 

onesteptwostep

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Ego? I wasn't aware I was coaxing it... I'm more trying to dispense of my emotional blah. Are you having a bad day or something?
 

Adaire

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Oh, I'm fine. I call it like I see it.
Now you're being patronizing fyi.
 

Hadoblado

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I think you either need to accept that she hasn't gone out of her way to make her availability known to you, or to resolve the situation more directly by approaching her.

Anything else makes you a beta IMO.
 

Cognisant

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WHAT IS LOVE!?!
Baby don't hurt me...
Don't hurt me...

Oww fuck.

Nobody loves anyone, get that shit out of your head it'll fuck you up, we're instinctively predisposed to seek mates who exhibit superficial signs of genetic fitness and a hilarious consequence of that is that we find people who think they can do better than us incredibly attractive while perfectly adequate people who would happily be with us are incredibly boring.

You want to find love?
You can't, but you can make it, find a woman you're willing to settle for, not your fantasy, not your dream girl, stop chasing the one that broke your heart, stop looking for "the one" that takes your breath away, just a girl who doesn't have anything particularly wrong with her and put all your focus into making her happy.

The key thing here is that you could do better, but you don't, you could put all this effort into impressing that girl that's almost out of your league (this is how the short/plain guys end up with inexplicably hot girls, they're insecure and they work for it) but you don't. You're putting all this effort and attention into a girl who can't fathom why you're doing it and women aren't like men, they can't just take it for granted because they're all deeply fundamentally insecure.

This is how you end up with that sort of girl that everyone's jealous of, she doesn't have the longest legs or the biggest boobs but she's really nice and she's interested in guy stuff, she doesn't get emotional, she's chill, y'know the girl that's actually fun to hang out with, who is like a 6/10 but is actually an 11/10 because of her personality, the sort that wears cosplay and does freaky shit in bedroom because she knows you're into that.

Women reciprocate, specifically they reciprocate sentiment, giving women stuff especially stuff that has no inherent sentiment (like money) doesn't really achieve anything because you're a man, providing shit is your job, but that random post-it note with "I love you" hidden somewhere you know she'll find it, women love that shit.
 

onesteptwostep

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I think you either need to accept that she hasn't gone out of her way to make her availability known to you, or to resolve the situation more directly by approaching her.

Anything else makes you a beta IMO.
Haha, thanks hado
 

Grayman

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I think you either need to accept that she hasn't gone out of her way to make her availability known to you, or to resolve the situation more directly by approaching her.

Anything else makes you a beta IMO.
You actually believe that beta/alpha stuff!!! I thought only beta's believed that!!!
 

Hadoblado

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That's just something betas tell themselves so they can live with their scrawny-ass chad-lacking beta bods.
 

CatGoddess

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I think I might be a Becky >_<

@Cognisant As a femoid, your suggestion about sentimental gestures makes me question myself. I kind of do wish I found value in things like post-it notes and romantic words and crap, but whenever I get sentimental stuff I'm just thinking "goddammit, what am I supposed to do with this?". I really don't know what it is about me that makes me care so little about flowers and cute messages.

EDIT: I somehow forgot about my main point. I don't understand why people think "true love" exists only within sexual relationships. In fact, that seems counter-intuitive to me. I mean, why are you hanging out with and taking care of this person? You want to get into their pants. I think that, when you feel no attraction for somebody and care deeply for them anyways, that indicates a genuine love for who they are as a person.

Not that you can't be close friends with a sexual lover, too, but that's the thing. In terms of emotional significance, the "friend" comes before the "lover".

I keep editing this. I blame my sleep deprivation. To tie my main point back into your problem, @onesteptwostep, I think that, if you really want to search for "love", you should look for somebody whom you can actually form an emotional bond/friendship with. Sex may or may not ensue.
 

onesteptwostep

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Oh I've already gotten that down, thanks. Most of the girls I do take interest in is because I can form meaningful and fun bonds together the girl mentioned in the OP is no exception. But obviously as I have noted there might be a complication heh.
 

Cognisant

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I kind of do wish I found value in things like post-it notes and romantic words and crap, but whenever I get sentimental stuff I'm just thinking "goddammit, what am I supposed to do with this?".
INTPs are weird.

Edit: Wrote that on my phone at work, by weird I mean INTPs care more about concepts than sentiments so you have to make them feel loved in more conceptual ways.
 

Animekitty

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either you are the (adopted potato)
or
the potato has been adopted by you

in the end, you both go into the same soup
 

onesteptwostep

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HEY UPDATE GUYS SHE DELETED THE PICTURE AND NOW HAS ONE OF HER AND ONE OF HER GIRLFRIENDS. DOES THIS MEAN I HAVE A CHANCE
 

Animekitty

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.
 

onesteptwostep

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;(
 

Puffy

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I'm unsure if I can pin all the variables around it. I was close friends almost immediately with the person I'm with now and we were best friends for two years before becoming a couple. I'd never dated before that.

For me in particular that's been a very good thing as I have/had an unusual amount of insecurity, guardedness and frigidity that's always held me back from relationships. There's been a lot of space for us to get to know each other deeply as friends and work through layers of trust (on both sides) to a point we're very relaxed around one another and can talk about anything. If we'd gotten together even a year before we did I have a feeling it would've ended up a very painful experience for both of us.

If I had to name one variable that shifted things for me it's probably knowing myself. It's hard to be with someone who doesn't know who they are and love themselves. There is a certain degree of timing in meeting the 'right' person but I also feel it wouldn't be that hard for me to find someone else now if for whatever reason we broke up. Other people pick up on that and are drawn to it.

The second variable I'd name for myself was knowing and inhabiting my own sexuality. I used to give off an asexual vibe which came from feelings of shame around my sexuality and a fear of impotency, which I think is quite common in men. People pick up on that unconsciously and are really turned off by it. That took a certain amount of bravery but it turned out all my fears were irrational (as is usual with fear). I've been surprised at just how different I am as a person really inhabiting that, it's come with a surprisingly large character shift.

In one form or another I feel like people who aren't in relationships are because there's a part of them that's saying 'no' due to fear or maybe because they genuinely don't want that right now. If you can shift that to 'yes' a door opens and opportunity in that area starts getting magnetised to you.

Not saying any of this is relevant to you, you just asked in the OP what our particular journeys have been like.
 

CatGoddess

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Tip to anybody receiving unwanted penis pictures: text back "huh what why are you sending me pics of earthworms?".

(I have not tried this.)
 

onesteptwostep

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Thanks for sharing Puffy.
 

Cognisant

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Tip to anybody receiving unwanted penis pictures: text back "huh what why are you sending me pics of earthworms?".

(I have not tried this.)
Nah you get a sock, ball it up but only about halfway, stick that in your underwear (briefs ideally) take a photo and reply with "who do you think is bigger?".

I'm joking.
 

Minuend

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I wouldn't know what's common. For me it went perhaps surprisingly simple and fast?

We talked online and liked each others personalities. After a while, we agreed to meet up, but with no expectations or obligations. Met up, still liked each other, continued to meet up a few times and at some point we were just together. A few months later we moved in together.

For me, relationships turned out to be better than what I thought they would be. I would think I'd get bored with a person after the infatuation phase, I'd think there would be a lot of stupid fights like you see everywhere about toilet seats or some stupid shit. But now I find myself wanting to be with my bf 'forever' (ofc, there's never any guarantee for that) and if we do have stupid arguments they end up in laughter, not in bickering. It's like having a bf, best friend and family all in one person

---

When dating, I'd generally look for an interest in contact with me. If you try to meet up and the other person avoids several times with weird excuses, I'd take that as a lack of interest. If she's gone for a trip, I guess it will take you longer to figure out if she's avoiding you or actually on a trip. But wouldn't you guys still chat a bit even though she's traveling?
 

moody

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I kind of do wish I found value in things like post-it notes and romantic words and crap, but whenever I get sentimental stuff I'm just thinking "goddammit, what am I supposed to do with this?".
INTPs are weird.

Edit: Wrote that on my phone at work, by weird I mean INTPs care more about concepts than sentiments so you have to make them feel loved in more conceptual ways.
I don't think that's a strictly INTP thing. I am an INTP and I care a lot about little sentiments, if they're for no reason. It is because the person had to think of me, and then care enough to exert effort in order to give me something. Where people use their efforts and time show what they actually value and care about.
If it's obligatory or to get something out of me, it makes me feel sick inside and I hide the thing out of sight so I don't have to be reminded.

EY UPDATE GUYS SHE DELETED THE PICTURE AND NOW HAS ONE OF HER AND ONE OF HER GIRLFRIENDS. DOES THIS MEAN I HAVE A CHANCE
...wth? Really, dude? Really? She had a picture of herself grabbing a rose from someone off camera. That is NOTHING. Literally. Having assumptions made about you like that feels very degrading.
 

moody

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@everyone
Do you ever understand but not understand at the same time? That's what I fell like whenever the subject of dating or women on this forum comes up. All yalls braincells just vacate the premises, and it's as if I'm reading a discussion between Signmund Frued and Percy Granger analyzing women and romance. It's actually kind of entertaining.

@onesteptwostep Don't read too much into things. It's best to let someone tell the truth about themselves, but then don't bother with them if you find out they manipulated you. If you get paranoid and question the things she does before you even make a move, you're setting yourself to fail to make any connection. Don't worry about it until the time comes to actually reach out and peruse her.
 

CatGoddess

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moody said:
Do you ever understand but not understand at the same time? That's what I fell like whenever the subject of dating or women on this forum comes up. All yalls braincells just vacate the premises, and it's as if I'm reading a discussion between Signmund Frued and Percy Granger analyzing women and romance. It's actually kind of entertaining.
Would you mind explaining? The only person who seems vaguely Freudian/psychoanalytical is Cog, and I can't see why you would construe his post as "0 brain". It seems to be sound advice to me. Without examples of how the "braincells just vacate the premises" I can't go into much detail, but I can say that, generally speaking, we analyze romance because we do not understand very well and are trying to understand it better. I fail to see the issue.
 

Hadoblado

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@moody
A lot of people here struggle socially, and try to overcome it by thinking about it critically. The nature of strong social abilities is that they're intuitive and not to be overthought, but for people without that natural ability, the options are either to not think about it (and not improve) or to approach it in this way.

Overall I think it's good, even if a lot of the stuff people say seems naive/misled. It's the only real path forward.
 

The Gopher

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@moody
A lot of people here struggle socially, and try to overcome it by thinking about it critically. The nature of strong social abilities is that they're intuitive and not to be overthought, but for people without that natural ability, the options are either to not think about it (and not improve) or to approach it in this way.

Overall I think it's good, even if a lot of the stuff people say seems naive/misled. It's the only real path forward.
Yeah, and eventually through all the overthinking you might start picking up things naturally.
 

Serac

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When sitting behind a keyboard, everyone likes to put aspects of dating into neat little boxes and provide "solutions" as if they are talking about a video game. The classic internet-forum solution is: "just go to her and tell her that you love her, man"... or "just figure out if she likes you or not and if yes, start a relationship with her". I bet my ass none of these people follow their own advice.
 

Adaire

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I agree with serac. Context is everything and the devil is in the details; vague advice won't help. Though maybe these threads are good for venting and getting bullshit out of your system. I find it hard to believe they serve a consistent practical function.
 

moody

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moody said:
Do you ever understand but not understand at the same time? That's what I fell like whenever the subject of dating or women on this forum comes up. All yalls braincells just vacate the premises, and it's as if I'm reading a discussion between Signmund Frued and Percy Granger analyzing women and romance. It's actually kind of entertaining.
Would you mind explaining? The only person who seems vaguely Freudian/psychoanalytical is Cog, and I can't see why you would construe his post as "0 brain". It seems to be sound advice to me. Without examples of how the "braincells just vacate the premises" I can't go into much detail, but I can say that, generally speaking, we analyze romance because we do not understand very well and are trying to understand it better. I fail to see the issue.

Oof, that came across stronger than I meant it. I tend to forget people can’t hear my tone when I write things; I never say “yalls” when I’m serious.

If you want an explaination for MY reaction (though you can disregard it): I think I just have a very different approach to people than most on this forum. irl too, but because this forum is anonymous and non-verbal, I get to see how people analyze others more astutely. If I’m letting my reactions speak for me, it feels a lot like people treat others in the context of how they react to them and then make assumptions they use as a base for their analysis and reasonings of the other person. I’ve had this happen to me a lot because I guess my personality and the way I look don’t line up. I know it feels oppressive when someone analyzes me based off of their reaction, assume their reactions are correct, and treat me based on that. It’s impossible to interact with someone when they are too busy either trying to be something, or trying to read into things you say or do.
 

Niclmaki

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When sitting behind a keyboard, everyone likes to put aspects of dating into neat little boxes and provide "solutions" as if they are talking about a video game. The classic internet-forum solution is: "just go to her and tell her that you love her, man"... or "just figure out if she likes you or not and if yes, start a relationship with her". I bet my ass none of these people follow their own advice.
My advice in another thread was to not follow dating advice from anyone online.

finger guns

On topic though, I’m semi-surprised the thread turned into an advice collumn. I thought we were just answering a question.


@Puffy I kind of wish I gave off asexual vibes lol. I seem to give off gay/bi vibes. Probably a 60/40 split of women / men showing interest in me.
 

moody

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When sitting behind a keyboard, everyone likes to put aspects of dating into neat little boxes and provide "solutions" as if they are talking about a video game. The classic internet-forum solution is: "just go to her and tell her that you love her, man"... or "just figure out if she likes you or not and if yes, start a relationship with her". I bet my ass none of these people follow their own advice.
I follow my own advice! But that’s because I don’t interact with people often enough to stray from it. My In-person default advice is “dont waste your time you’re better than them!” I tend to just affirm people, because that’s usually better than any advice could be.
 

Puffy

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@Niclmaki I'm in a similar boat. Within the last month I've been asked out by a guy and one of friends invited me to an LGBT society thinking I'm closeted and that this would be good for me. It's probably more accurate to say I give off a "confusing" vibe. :smile-big:
 

CatGoddess

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moody said:
I tend to just affirm people, because that’s usually better than any advice could be.
And you know this is true because...? (do you ask people what they prefer? do you just assume they like affirmation more than advice?) I wonder because people often hand me affirmation with the belief that that's what I want, so is there a reason why people such as yourself believe that affirmation is preferable? Personally, I'd greatly prefer a solution to my issue or, barring that, the experiences of the other person because at least that provides another perspective on the broader problem. Words of affirmation mean very little to me.

I think I might give off an asexual sort of vibe? I seem to recall being told that it was surprising that I managed to "date anyone at all". Considering I'm not particularly physically repellent, that seems to be a comment on my sexuality.
 

moody

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And you know this is true because...? (do you ask people what they prefer? do you just assume they like affirmation more than advice?) I wonder because people often hand me affirmation with the belief that that's what I want, so is there a reason why people such as yourself believe that affirmation is preferable? Personally, I'd greatly prefer a solution to my issue or, barring that, the experiences of the other person because at least that provides another perspective on the broader problem. Words of affirmation mean very little to me.
I can understand where you're coming from, and I have some friends like you that like me to troubleshoot options with them. I prefer that as well, to be honest.

It's particularly "American" to be constantly politically correct among friends. Half of my family is not American and much more brisk and straightforward in communication; I often lost friends in early elementry school and got scolded by teachers because of my "brutally candidness," and I was too "critical." I realized why pretty early on, so I've become descent at reading if someone wants/needs reassurace versus troubleshooting.

In the "romantic" spectrum, I've had friends that don't trust themselves to know what they would want; they often have problems that stem from a lack of assurance in their own judgment. (Of course this doesn't go for everyone). Many people don't even know they need support and reassurance; they accidentally follow advice that doesn't suite them or their situation out of fear of not doing the "right" thing.
 

crippli

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You will find out if it was love when you brake up. If you feel like shit for a week it was love.
 
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