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Feel lonely?

flying_piggy

Redshirt
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Today 3:31 PM
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Aug 13, 2008
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1
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Location
Singapore
Just did the test and realized belong to INTP...
Would like to say hi to every INTP here as our group seems to be one of the rarest type....

Amazingly the description is f*k accurate... esp for the part of trying to pursue to power over nature and being creative, visionary and strategic....

But as a female INTP, im always troubled as to feel lonely anti-social. Thought im actually a nice and easy-going person but ppl just like to gossiping behind me and rumoring around...i just cant afford to devote my time for caring their feeling but if they speak it out directly i will do it for them....why when it comes to friendship, becomes so complicated?! i would question my own ability sometimes when it comes to this inter-personal field.

do any of you have such problem?
 

Jesin

Prolific Member
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2,036
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Welcome. I hope you like this forum, which is one of the best sources of advice I've found online. (Sorry I can't give any advice right now, I'm a little busy with something else.)

I'm moving this over to the introduction section. I hope you don't mind.
 

grrreg

Member
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Today 2:31 AM
Joined
Aug 1, 2008
Messages
53
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Location
NYC
Just did the test and realized belong to INTP...
Would like to say hi to every INTP here as our group seems to be one of the rarest type....

Amazingly the description is f*k accurate... esp for the part of trying to pursue to power over nature and being creative, visionary and strategic....

But as a female INTP, im always troubled as to feel lonely anti-social. Thought im actually a nice and easy-going person but ppl just like to gossiping behind me and rumoring around...i just cant afford to devote my time for caring their feeling but if they speak it out directly i will do it for them....why when it comes to friendship, becomes so complicated?! i would question my own ability sometimes when it comes to this inter-personal field.

do any of you have such problem?

Hello,
I was new a week ago also.

I think the problem you are having is really very common with a lot of people here.
Most non- INTP people really need to have a sense of how 'just like everyone else you are' so that they don't feel intimidated, or uncomfortable around you. This usually equates into talking talking and more talking. Plus , hanging out and (you guessed it ) even more talking. Especially if you're smart and offbeat somehow , and don't talk much, their perception of you will be that you're stuck-up or seemingly above it all in their view. What's the remedy?

Feel comfortable with yourself. You aren't weird or abnormal. You aren't in the majority of behaviors but you aren't a psychopath either. Other people's perception of you while extremely seemingly important when you're younger, are trust me, not that important at all. You decide how important someone is to you and strive to make a good impression on the people WHO MATTER TO YOU. One good thing I think people notice about INTP folks is that we aren't 'fake people'. We tell it like we see it, maybe too blatantly at times, but nonetheless. And we aren't drama queens. We don't seek to manipulate other's people's emotions or situations.

However, many INTP people don't feel the need for all this 'extraneous' talking in the first place and then to make things more awkward, they don't tend to be into doing group activities for the sake of doing a group activity. For a lot of us it can be awkward, boring, or just plain draining.

I know girls are socialized to be well, 'social creatures', and I do think it's harder for girls to be accepted for being more introverted and analytical, and less emotional.

Your best bet is to find maybe one or two other girls or boys who are similar, have similar interests to yours, and get to know them . I have 2 friends since I was 8 I still consider very close. If I call you a friend it MEANS something. Or 2) make friends with those people who can't shut up no matter who they talk to and really don't want to listen to you anyhow. Takes the edge off when you don't have to do any of the talking. Of course this kind of person will quickly become a drain, but as long as you hang out with them with at least one other person as a buffer, you can always shunt them off a little. The number of people I was friends with who wanted nothing more than attention is very funny in retrospect.

I hope that kinda answers you. Yes, it can be lonely if you LET it be. But being alone does not always equal being LONELY either.
 

headache

Redshirt
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Today 7:31 AM
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Aug 10, 2008
Messages
3
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Hi Flying Piggy,

Im also new here and did the test a few days ago, its been quite a revelation to me, (im not a kid any more but it has helped to explain a lot!!)


As for people and socialising, Ive found that most of them arn't worth it anyhow, and over the years have learned to discern between REAL friends and people that are just passing through. It used to kill me when I felt people were talking behind my back cos I was a bit different, introspective, and agree with Grrreg that this does become easier as one gets older.You say yourself that you are nice and easy going, let those who will, take the time to discover that in you...those will be the 'worth it' ones.

Also, I've kinda learn't to 'react like a superior cat' if someone ticks me off, the art of diplomacy is to tell someone to go to hell in a way that they look forward to the trip!

I have enjoyed lurking around the forum for a bit, sussing what others are saying, it is very interesting, and Im feeling a bit more confident about posting the odd message...

Like minded cyber 'friends' may fill a gap!

Love and delight to you....lee
 

Apathy

Member
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Today 1:31 AM
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Aug 1, 2008
Messages
49
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Location
Canada
Also, I've kinda learn't to 'react like a superior cat' if someone ticks me off, the art of diplomacy is to tell someone to go to hell in a way that they look forward to the trip!

I've gotta look into that kind of diplomacy.
 

fullerene

Prolific Member
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damn... Jesin beat me to it and stole my first thoughts this time. I second him.

I do (think I) understand your problems with people flying_piggy... I just can't seem to figure them out. I was raised to think it's normal to hang out with and make friends with as many people as possible, but my nature began to dominate around middle school, when I decided I would rather have one good friend than 20 near-acquaintances. Even regardless, most of the friends I thought I had made in high school seemed to forget about me once we graduated (to be fair, I forgot about them when I went to college too... but I wouldn't have had we hung out more over the summer beforehand). I had a very long conversation hanging out with one of the people from the group who actually remained a good friend today, and he (without even the hint of dishonesty about his words--and I can usually tell) said that occasionally people just laugh and joke about "how [they] swear [I'm] just a computer," but assures me they don't mean in in bad taste. I've never given anybody trouble though... and I've never talked one-on-one with a person and had them leave and gossip about me (actually, most of them judge me well enough that they'll stand up for me if people start making stuff up... because eventually other people will come by and tell me so).

I personally think that that's the key... like grrreg said, make a very few friends who you know to be of good character and let them see your thoughts enough that they know you're a person too. In my experience, most people like the INTP when they're the only other person around... I think it's because you have considerable power over the conversation when fewer people are around, so you won't get bored with them talking about nothing important. There's also considerably more overlap between two people's interests than there is when 5 or 6 people get together, because you don't have to talk about something that everyone can relate to. They're also more willing to try to understand the connections your brain will make, since there are no "easier" conversations to get distracted by.

I hope that made sense... I've been talking to someone all day, so my brain is about shot. Basically though, you'll probably flourish in social situations where there's only one other person... two at most. That's really all you need, and if they're good people they'll hold off the gossip (or alternatively, just don't let the gossip get to you in the first place :p)

hope that helps... scanning it I'm leaning towards not really, but I'll post it just in case by some miracle there's something worth hearing in there.
 

Wisp

The Soft Rational
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Location
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@ cryptonia

Jesin kinda just said hi. Was that what you were thinking...?
 

fullerene

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lol, I was referring to the judgment that this is one of the "best sources of advice I've found online." To that I wholeheartedly agree.

...then I just decided to spew some thoughts on the subject... which I'm still considering deleting, because I really, really doubt they'll be helpful after taking a second glance ;)
 

Aphasia

Well-Known Member
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Apr 24, 2008
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502
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Who wants to know?
Welcome flying_piggy, to this forum of ours (me and mine :P). Not much advice. I suppose you could talk to someone you find interesting and work it out from there. And about the problem part: yes. Saying anymore will bring back bad memories :K
 

Wisp

The Soft Rational
Local time
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INTP forum: Counseling for Rationals! (NT)
 
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