Extroverts, how do you talk so much? And what are you thinking when you're not talking?

[FF]

I have always been puzzled by the extrovert's ability to converse with large groups of people and keep up with the conversation, or even just be friendly and talkative with total random strangers and actually get a conversation going. I mean, I could never do that. I tried to become friends with a bunch of extroverts during my last year of high school, and it turned out horribly. I was always left out of the conversation, because I couldn't relate to anything they were talking about at all. I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems like extroverts can just talk and talk about anything (even if they can't relate) to a person they don't even know. And I just wanted to know how this is possible.

I also wanted to know what extroverts are thinking when they're not talking to people. Do you take time to reflect, like us introverts do?

Anyone is free to answer, not just extroverts. As long as you think you know the answer to this question, go ahead and reply.

 

[wadlez]

Im not an extrovert, but I can tell you that they do take time to reflect like we do, just not as much. It also depends on what type of Extrovert they are, like my friend who's an ENTJ relfects deeply but I know other Extrovert types to not nearly reflect as much at all. I dare say that Thinking types and iNtuition types reflect the most.

I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems like extroverts can just talk and talk about anything (even if they can't relate) to a person they don't even know. And I just wanted to know how this is possible.

If you imagine a time you have been talking to one of your best friends, and how you just talk and talk without having to think about it, its pretty much the same. Even though you could say that with this friend you were talking about a topic of interest, you need to understand that these E types are talking about things that there interested in, even if its very banal to you.
As you get older you'll find that it becomes easier to converse like extroverts do, and I think you might sometimes find yourself being indistinguishable from them (for short periods of time while in social situations). This could be due to having witnessed so many Extroverted conversations or from the development of your Extroverted function(inferior as it may be)

 

[Artifice Orisit]

Maybe extroverts use each other as a means of self reflection, by participating in completely open "hive mind" discourse they are able to see themselves through the eyes of others. I think we can all relate to the difficulty of purely objective self analysis; the infinite feedback loop of a mind trying to study itself as it studies itself.

Of course their method opens up the possibility of mind corruption via extremist religions and politics. They also become socially dependent upon others, unable to exist as an individuals without the emotional support of their peers.

As Introverts we are far more independent and resistant to negative stimuli, however we are more likely to fall prey to self delusion and losing our world perspectives.

 

[del]

I mean, correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems like extroverts can just talk and talk about anything (even if they can't relate) to a person they don't even know.

That's exactly it. The question of whether or not I relate to this person doesn't really come up. People are just sort of walking puzzles and portable idea-bouncing devices, of varying mystery and quality -- my own self is not what I'm focusing on.

That's, ironically, why it's no big deal to converse or interact with people. I don't have to relate. I think it's easy to forget that extroverts generally approach relationships much more superficially than introverts -- so an extrovert talking to a group of people isn't necessarily experiencing the same thing you would.

 

[chocolate]

Hi FF. This is funny because I am quite curious about how introverts think/converse! I've had some great answers in threads and am starting to get an idea...

How to describe it? Well, I enjoy talking to most people (there are exceptions). When I meet a new person, I see possibilities: many people have had fascinating lives or have fascinating careers/perspectives, and the only way to hear them is to talk to them! For example, once I met an engineer at a party, and he told me all about what he does; another time I met a girl who does music therapy for terminally-ill cancer patients (didn't even know that existed!) -- fascinating stuff really. I really enjoy meeting new people for that reason.

On a more superficial level, I enjoy joking around with people a lot. To answer some of your questions, it is very easy for me to switch between thoughts and people -- someone said before that they can't just 'turn on a dime' during conversations, but that would precisely explain me. I can even have sort of multiple conversations at the same time...if I am talking to one person and another interrupts, I can hear them, but signal I'm busy, then at the first available pause give them a quick answer if they need it right away -- stuff like that (my I sister cannot do that at all!). I also tend to jump around -- talk about something, go off on a tangent, but then bring it back. It's a bit all over the place...but I am capable of focusing, it just takes more effort.

I'm very quick as well, and often my thoughts are ahead of what I'm saying. Because I think while I speak sometimes I mess up my current words because I'm already thinking of the next thing. I really need to tell myself to slow down. I rarely think before I speak -- I really fit the cliche of thinking while I speak, and I learn the most during conversations. I can learn while thinking alone but when it gets complicated, then I naturally start to ask myself questions and have a conversation with myself LOL.

When I'm not with other people I think a lot, and sometimes this is fruitful, but normally I would say I get to a starting point on my own -- then I want to share and discuss with others from there. Sometimes when I think alone about something difficult, it seems as though I get to a point where the thoughts are just swimming around in laps and I feel trapped. I really feel at these times like I am just bursting to be able to talk with someone about it, to release the thoughts so they can go somewhere. It's a real physical feeling that is uncomfortable. Sometimes it has gotten to the point where I have no one, so I have to force myself to stop thinking, or else I have to write them down (writing is a bit like extraverting).

As for relating with others: I can relate to most people on some level, all it takes is asking them about themself and me finding something interesting about them. But there are some people to whom I can't relate and then I will normally give up on the conversation (in a polite way) -- some people are just simply boring to me, although most I find are not because almost every single person in the world has done something/knows something/thinks about something that I have not. And that's interesting!

Re. reflection: yes, I reflect a lot. However, this will usually be after I have had a conversation. It goes something like this: idea happens, talk about it with people, then later I think about it more and get more ideas from that, so I want to talk to the people again, etc. ! I wouldn't say 100% of the time I need other people in order to have some great insight, but it definitely works like that most of the time, and even if I have a great insight on my own, I want to put it out there so others can critique it. I rarely have fully formed theories on my own, out of my own head; that would be extremely rare; in fact, I'm not sure it's ever happened. For some reason most of my good thoughts come when I am talking to someone, even if all they are doing is saying uh huh... That sounds so lame but it's true!

 

[FF]

I see, so extroverts love to talk to people, even if at first they might not be able to relate. Extroverts ask people questions, and then probably they can relate to them, and so they keep talking, correct?

I'm trying to learn to display some qualities of all of the types I am not naturally (so that would be extraversion, sensing, feeling, judging) because I think that would make me a well-rounded person. And it's nice to have lots of people around you! I'm just very picky about who I talk to, but maybe I shouldn't be anymore, because I'm probably missing out on a really great person that I didn't give a chance...

 

[Spacedoubt]

I'm as puzzled as you are. Idle conversation bores me to tears. I actually feel that I need to retreat and rest after a little while. Even making smalltalk with people that I like is exhausting.

 

[FF]

I'm as puzzled as you are. Idle conversation bores me to tears. I actually feel that I need to retreat and rest after a little while. Even making smalltalk with people that I like is exhausting.

Yeah, I feel the exact same way. But I'm trying to have that happen less. Maybe I should just tolerate smalltalk a little bit...who knows? It may evolve into an interesting conversation that I could relate to...perhaps...hopefully.....

 

[chocolate]

I see, so extroverts love to talk to people, even if at first they might not be able to relate. Extroverts ask people questions, and then probably they can relate to them, and so they keep talking, correct?

Hi FF,

Um...I can't speak for all extraverts as I am ENTP and I suspect a lot of what I'm saying is about the N (the primary function of the ENTP is extraverted intuition). But I imagine (you are INTP right?) if you tried to extravert yourself then you'd probably resemble an ENTP (although I'm not sure how it works, maybe an extraverting INTP is just something completely different).

I'm not sure I'd say I love talking to people just for the sake of it...hmmm...you asked a great question, and I'm not sure how to answer...I love talking to people who can teach me something interesting (whether or not they are intentionally teaching me), and I love talking to people who can understand me and so I can bounce ideas off of. Once I went to a party and everyone there was talking about which stores they liked, and what they did for spring break and which cake pans they bought. I tried to 'elevate' the conversation but it stayed there. It was almost painfully boring, I just wanted to scream "get me out of here!" LOL. That sounds really mean but it's really how I felt, and I definitely would prefer alone time to talking to people who I consider boring (but I don't say this from a snobby point of view: I have a friend who is ESTP, and whenever my ENTP friend and I get talking she complains: "you guys always talk about such boring stuff"! She actually prefers talking about people's lives, like who's dating whom etc, which I consider gossip and couldn't care less!).

So I love talking about interesting things (by my defn) and ideas (biggie!). And I love joking around with people, in my wannabe clever way, because even joking for me is intellectual (of course INTPs can relate to that as I see from the abundance of fine (albeit dark!) humour here).

The number one thing that energizes me is talking to people about interesting things that cause me to have new ideas or insights, or about making up new ideas together. So I have to talk to lots of people to get that! So maybe I'm saying talking to people is a means to an end, not an end in itself.

If I haven't answered your question, please ask more. I know how hard it is to understand the 'other side'

chocky.

PS I should add that I am a math grad student, and the vast majority of people with whom I come into regular contact are rationals, so I probably find more people to whom I relate than I would otherwise.

PPS Yes, I ask a lot of questions too, but I'm not sure that's E, probably EN together. I had an ESFP friend who never asked anyone questions. She just talked about herself all the time!

 

[Ermine]

Interesting. I'm pretty talkative if someone can get me going and talk to me about the right things. So, am I right in saying that you're interested in learning what other people know?

Perhaps I could get this conversation thing down if I were able to develop a genuine interest in learning about what people know? Often my conversations deflate because I don't get interested in what they have to say, or don't know how to reciprocate well. Is that a problem extroverts have, or is it something that can be helped? I also enjoy that insight you get from people, it's that I often don't find it, or I don't know how to look for it.

 

[chocolate]

Perhaps I could get this conversation thing down if I were able to develop a genuine interest in learning about what people know? Often my conversations deflate because I don't get interested in what they have to say, or don't know how to reciprocate well. Is that a problem extroverts have, or is it something that can be helped? I also enjoy that insight you get from people, it's that I often don't find it, or I don't know how to look for it.

That's very interesting. I think that is one of my strengths, is knowing how to find it. It must be the Ne, I get a sense of where to take things and where to back off, and where the goldmine might be...I think that is just a typical ENTP thing though, not special to me...most ENTPs I know get these intuitions about people.

I'm sure reciprocating is something that could be helped, if that's what you'd like to do. What do I do?...I say a lot what's on my mind. If someone makes a good point, I'll say it out loud, and maybe ask them why they think so. It's pretty neat to hear another person's thought processes, as they likely will think very differently from me, even if we agree on the final point. I am also quite expressive in person (which actually the INTPs I know in person can be too -- but only when they're interested in a topic -- but then they'll just light up, and they're delightful!). I think that makes people comfortable and more willing to share if they have some positive reinforcement (I'm not saying I lie just that I'll say if I like something). I also smile a lot, again, not fake, I just tend to be a relaxed happy person.

It seems often that a lot of the things people say will spring up a bunch of questions in my mind, that's how it keeps going for me. Sometimes I have to hold back though because I know not everyone wants to be interviewed, so I try to keep it more small talkish.

I do have the problem you have too sometimes. It really depends on the situation. If it's a party where the topic could be anything, I'll try to find something to talk about. If someone is a 'boring' person but I find that they do gardening, I'll ask them about that...seriously that can be fascinating (to me)...I'll find the hidden artist in them.

But sometimes there's no common ground at all or the person has no interests, or they just don't want to talk, it does take two to tango right? So I find I can talk easily with most people, but not all. I really have trouble with the types who seem to only want to announce things about themselves all the time. It's hard to describe it -- it's like they are not even talking to you, just talking about themselves and thinking that you should be fascinated by them. It's hard to engage them because I find their attention span is so short that even if I ask them a question they'll give me a one word answer and then move on to whatever else fascinating thing happened to them!

 

[del]

I'm in agreement with chocolate here.

I'd just add to any of you that have read Keirsey: Rationals, in his general descriptions, don't seem all that stereotypically extroverted. And that matches my personal experience.

People extrovert in different ways, and ESFPs and ESTPs are the "performers" and "promoters", which is probably the social role most people think of when they hear the word "extrovert."

So if there's a social situation where people are just gossiping and talkng about what they've been doing, who so-and-so is dating, etc, I get extremely frickin' bored too. But I think that has more to do with being an N than extroversion or introversion, because the other ENTs I've known have been the same way, and the ENFs to a lesser extent as well.

That said, I am geniunely interested in people and do MUCH better when I have someone to bounce ideas off of and delight in figuring things out about others, learning new and interesting things, seeing another perspective, and all that. So I seek that out, but it's hard to find.

 

[sagewolf]

This is all fascinating. You guys bounce ideas off each other and develop them that way. Sounds interesting, and I might try it out sometime to try and get a better idea of it... although I would need to reflect on it later anyway.

I can mange to be interested in almost anything, if I'm talking to someone. However, I find it hard to come up with things of my own to say in return that don't (by my standards) sound really stupid. Eventually every one-on-one conversation I'm in ends up floundering for lack of input on my part. Three or four-way conversations... I just get trampled. I never say anything. There's been the odd conversation where I managed to actually keep going, but it's not often; I wind up more punctuating the other person's dialogue than actually talking to them.

 

[Vegard Pompey]

I consider myself extremely introverted, I can barely talk to people because a part of me cancels the words in my mouth, deeming them redundant or just not wise enough.

But there is one person with whom I can talk with as if I was an extrovert; my roommate, an INXP. I can just throw the first random thought that comes to mind at him and he will return a distorted perversion of that thought. Although our conversations are not conventional by any means, I get the feeling they are somehow similar to the conversations extroverts can have with people they've just met.

 

[chocolate]

Interesting VP. It's funny, I have one INTP that I talk to regularly. Sometimes it's just very quiet. He pauses a lot and I just wait for him to think until he talks again. I know him enough to know his style.

But today it's kind of like you were describing -- we were just laughing our heads off and making jokes one after another -- and he had this slightly evil gleam in his eye and muted smile! I kind of felt like I was with another ENTP (except for his clothes ), so I think you guys probably do act like extraverts in those times.

@ sagewolf: too bad this is the internet, I'd love to give a conversation with you a try to see how it goes! (sorry I don't mean to treat you like an experiment, just my usual curiosity ). In fact, I often think about how I'd like to talk to people here in person -- am I the only one who does that? Besides maybe del?

And I definitely recommend trying the idea-bouncing thing. Other people are a very valuable resource. And like you said, you can always reflect later (I do that actually a lot -- I think I have some I in me).

And del's point is very good about types of extroverts -- ENTPs and ENTJs are more reserved and can seem like introverts even sometimes.

 

[cheese]

Chocolate:
I am amazed by how much I am relating to what you're saying on all these different threads! Your approach to and experiences with conversations are nearly 100% my own; in fact I'm even starting to consider the possibility of being an ENTP (it'd explain my strong Fe). There're several reasons why I think I'll probably turn out not to be but I won't take over this thread.
I also agreed a lot with del.

The question of whether or not I relate to this person doesn't really come up. People are just sort of walking puzzles and portable idea-bouncing devices, of varying mystery and quality -- my own self is not what I'm focusing on.

As a presumed INTP, when I am extraverting I also get caught up in the act of conversing; consciously relating becomes a secondary issue that I am less aware of. I suspect there is still a certain amount of underlying reflection taking place with INTPs though, whereas with the Es I think it all gets sacrificed to the moment.

I cannot relate as well to extremely strong Is' lack of conversation, though I've had my fair share of sputtering speeches.

 

[chocolate]

@cheese: Well now we are even more alike because I thought about that too!! I just found you sort of...instantly easy to 'talk' to.

But I would consider myself pretty close to the middle on the E/I scale, so maybe you are INTP but just closer to the middle too...? There are also people who I've seen who call themselves xNTPs, maybe you are one. In any case, being ENTP isn't bad at all, nor is INTP from what I see, so either way you've got it made!

 

[cheese]

BRILLIANT!

And yes, I'm generally close to the middle on all except J/P.

Also I noticed you used TWO exclamation marks! Thus giving me leave to release my suppressed !!!!!! without feeling like a vomiting F (I've been ramping it down for the forum).

 

[FacetiousPersona]

I think that extroverts mainly compare themselves with the external world for insight into their thoughts, behaviour, attitude, opinions and feelings, while introverts prefer introspection, which is achieving an understanding of oneself through reasoning/thinking/imagining with their mind internally. These would be the typical preference of both. Neither would be limited to their favoured preference.

 

[chocolate]

Also I noticed you used TWO exclamation marks! Thus giving me leave to release my suppressed !!!!!! without feeling like a vomiting F (I've been ramping it down for the forum).

LOL that's hilarious! Yeah I ramp it down too, don't know how those two got in there though! I think I broke the forum rule about not getting over-excited or something or other.

(So...just for no reason: YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *(oops did I say that!?) Ah! Stop exclamating chocky!!, er, I mean: Stop exclamating. Now. And verbing. Stop that too.* )

 

[cheese]

FP:
Interesting point, and a good clarification on the Myers-Briggs/Jung definition. The limitations do grow stronger towards both ends of the spectrum - eg very strong Is, such as some of the ones on this forum, really do have a very hard time extraverting, although of course they are able to. Is with weaker preferences such as myself do not find it as difficult.
I think comparison is the wrong word though - exchange would be slightly better - because it suggests that Is do not also go through this process of comparison, and that Es are more dependent on the opinions of others, neither of which is the case (I think). Es are however more dependent on exchange with the external world (of information, opinions, ideas etc) because that is how they maintain equilibrium.

Chocolate:
HAHA I enjoyed that! (!!!)
Aaargh damn that parenthesising!