Excessive Awareness

[Cognisant]

This is going to sound stupid but does anyone else experience being excessively aware both in the existential sense and in the awareness of the present moment sense? I know that sounds good like some kind of Zen moment but it feels more akin being on the verge of a panic attack, or high, or rather the opposite of being drunk as if there's some sobriety drug and you've taken too much of it.

It's like how your nose is in your field of view and normally you can't see it but now you can because I've made you aware of it but it's not just your nose there's your entire field of view and as you're reading this you're only paying attention to a tiny bit of it but as you look away and you actually start paying attention to it you get this feeling like everything's really far away and it's unsettling and it shouldn't be but it is, you look across the room and feel vertigo as if you just leaned over the edge of a cliff.

And as much fun as that sounds along side that is an awareness of yourself, in this moment of time, a single moment in a finite timeline that's playing out towards an inevitable end and the prospect of nonexistence is disturbing but you're not sure if you should care because although it means everything to you it ultimately means nothing. Also work sucks, getting older sucks, it's all going to continue to suck and there's the ever more imposing reality that all your hopes and dreams are nothing but the folly of an undeveloped mind. Like an ember trying to come to terms with its existence in the mere moments before it goes out, its brief existence being hopelessly short for the task. Also humanity as a whole is probably screwed, be it soon or later it matters not.

So yeah all that, at once, unbidden, like being a observer to some grand horrifying epiphany.

I only have myself to blame really, had this whole notion that there's a difference between knowing something and truly comprehending it like knowing a red hot iron ball is hot and believing you could pick it up if you simply willed yourself to act in spite of the pain and actually experiencing that pain and comprehending that it hurts far more than you could ever have imagined. The weird thing is I think I dwell on this because I'm getting some kind of masochistic satisfaction from it, I enjoy the existential horror, it thrills me, I'm afraid this impulse might become auto-destructive but then again maybe I'm hoping it will so that when the time comes I won't just be ready, I'll be looking forward to it.

 

[ZenRaiden]

Yeah its more like depression probably.

 

[The Grey Man]

does anyone else experience being excessively aware both in the existential sense and in the awareness of the present moment sense? I know that sounds good like some kind of Zen moment but it feels more akin being on the verge of a panic attack, or high, or rather the opposite of being drunk as if there's some sobriety drug and you've taken too much of it.

Every time I drink coffee.

Spoiler

Seriously now, a constant feature of your posts is dissatisfaction with the impermanence of things or, more precisely, the impermanence of you. It seems that the present moment is troubling to you because it is a moment, a past future that will become a have-been as quickly as it became a now; and, moreover, as some clever head once said, time doesn't elapse, but we do, meaning the continual destruction of one moment to make room for the next is really the continual destruction of the self. We live and die, undergoing countless changes, as time—the principle of change—persists.

I suppose I could offer you some consoling speech about how the obverse of destruction is creation, how your death makes room for something other than yourself which may be better, but you've probably heard it 1,000 times in various forms. I take solace in the fact that many people besides me call themselves "me," and I have no reason to doubt their sincerity. Time and space divide us, but I believe that we are united in eternity, as hokey as it sounds.

 

[lightfire]

I am dead inside

 

[0lm8]

I am dead inside

^ My nigga

 

[ZenRaiden]

I am dead inside

Implying there was something inside in the first place. Very skeptical about that. Only thing there really is are organs and tissues and bacteria and viruses and parasites and junk.

 

[Black Rose]

I am not one to speak for anyone.
But for each moment I believe I am loved, I grasp closer to enlightenment.

 

[0lm8]

I think it's knowledge of that action that can be defined as enlightenment. If you look at the teaching of spiritual figures it's more of the president of that statement that proves your achieved enlightenment then a mode where your exempt of a loveless nature.

 

[Black Rose]

It is difficult to believe when you need to feel someone out there not connected with yet.
That is why I said each moment of belief I grasp closer.
So they can be connected to us by the spirit.
If I stop believing they are forgotten.

I must constantly keep in mind a force above me for the connection to become stronger and not let go. When it lets go I am pretty much alone.

It is that connection that keeps me from being alone.


Edit:

The force above me I am keeping in mind all the time.
It is feminine and no specific person.
I keep the I mind as "The Other". So God as you will.
It is and is not a personification. Of love inside my Anima.
I find it difficult to make it grow.
God is a real person, I've met her several times.
I just have trouble contacting her volitionally.
That is why feeling her presence is so important to stay in contact.