ESFJ ex-friend giving silent treatment at work

[briangriffin32]

I once had a co-worker who I hung out with often at work. She was an ESFJ, a classic one at that. Usually ESFJ's don't get along with me from the outset, but I'm not prejudiced against any type in particular, and appreciated her high energy and spirits after work (usually spent before at the gym alone, watching a movie, or puttering around the computer). We got along great for the first 2 months ago, although she did seem to have problems.

For one, she fell way too hard in love with some guy she met on the bus. By the end of their first week dating, they were living together + he had date raped her a couple times. She confessed this to me over lunch (loudly, so practically everyone could hear her...she would often talk loud when nervous) but refused to call it date rape, even though she told him NO many times beforehand. He even tried to hit her with a cell phone, at which point SHE APOLOGIZED FOR MAKING HIM ANGRY BY BUYING HIM A PAIR OF AIR JORDANS!!!! After they finally broke up (which happened after he showed up at her apartment and refused to leave) he called her a million times, and then she kept coming to me with this drama about how she was worried about being pregnant (she can't remember if she wore protection all the time, because sometimes he'd try to have sex with her when she was asleep).

After a while she always insisted that we spend time together so she could go over all this drama, even when it stressed me out and she would take no for an answer.

Once I told her I couldn't have dinner because I was busy, and she took it hard as rejection and gave me the silent treatment for some 8 months now. She actually did this once before when I was away from my cell, and I couldn't answer the 5 voicemails she left for me one evening. I apologized that one time, but refused to apologize for "rejecting" her a second time because I have no idea what I did wrong, and she refused to talk to me about it (even looking the other way when I said "hi"), so what could I do?

Everytime I tell this story, people keep saying that this person has boundary issues. What does that mean exactly? It's hard for me to believe that someone can justify that kind of behaviour to that extent. I mean I was the only one at work who hung out with her after work, so I helped her more than everyone else. Why is she giving me the cold shoulder simply because I couldn't give her any more than that?

 

[Lobstrich]

As far as I'm aware, boundary issues is when people do not respect your, well... Boundaries. Your boundary in this case, being that you did not want to spend time with her, you wanted to be alone, she could not accept that. Hence she has boundary issues, heh.

 

[systembust]

Let it go. She sounds like she has some issues (of course we all do) so don't get too caught up trying to make "sense" of her behavior. Oftentimes people don't behave logically. Obviously she doesn't respect your need for personal space if she feels a need to impose negative sanctions on you for such stupid things. You're better off without that element being around you, honestly. Good to be a friend to her, but not if she is making you go out of your way. Sounds like the type that only appreciates a guy if they mistreat her. Move on, I say.

 

[Jesse]

I think she wanted a display of affection from you for hurting her feelings. Might be to late for that now.

 

[digital angel]

I once had a co-worker who I hung out with often at work. She was an ESFJ, a classic one at that. Usually ESFJ's don't get along with me from the outset, but I'm not prejudiced against any type in particular, and appreciated her high energy and spirits after work (usually spent before at the gym alone, watching a movie, or puttering around the computer). We got along great for the first 2 months ago, although she did seem to have problems.

For one, she fell way too hard in love with some guy she met on the bus. By the end of their first week dating, they were living together + he had date raped her a couple times. She confessed this to me over lunch (loudly, so practically everyone could hear her...she would often talk loud when nervous) but refused to call it date rape, even though she told him NO many times beforehand. He even tried to hit her with a cell phone, at which point SHE APOLOGIZED FOR MAKING HIM ANGRY BY BUYING HIM A PAIR OF AIR JORDANS!!!! After they finally broke up (which happened after he showed up at her apartment and refused to leave) he called her a million times, and then she kept coming to me with this drama about how she was worried about being pregnant (she can't remember if she wore protection all the time, because sometimes he'd try to have sex with her when she was asleep).

After a while she always insisted that we spend time together so she could go over all this drama, even when it stressed me out and she would take no for an answer.

Once I told her I couldn't have dinner because I was busy, and she took it hard as rejection and gave me the silent treatment for some 8 months now. She actually did this once before when I was away from my cell, and I couldn't answer the 5 voicemails she left for me one evening. I apologized that one time, but refused to apologize for "rejecting" her a second time because I have no idea what I did wrong, and she refused to talk to me about it (even looking the other way when I said "hi"), so what could I do?

Everytime I tell this story, people keep saying that this person has boundary issues. What does that mean exactly? It's hard for me to believe that someone can justify that kind of behaviour to that extent. I mean I was the only one at work who hung out with her after work, so I helped her more than everyone else. Why is she giving me the cold shoulder simply because I couldn't give her any more than that?

It's probably not appropriate for her to bring this up at work in the manner that she did. The empathy you have is fine.

If you aren't comfortable with her and or her behavior, you can limit your interaction with her. Her responses are her own responses. I hope she finds someone (preferably a professional) to talk to.

 

[xbox]

If I were you, I'd stay away from her. Any girl who gives the silent treatment is emotionally immature. Plus, she has boundary issues with herself, and doesn't understand to respect the boundaries of others. Its one thing to be date-raped. She should have sought help after that, but to move in with him later, buy him stuff, apologize?? Wtf.

 

[Jah]

get yourself a new pair of shoes.

 

[ProxyAmenRa]

run away man!

 

[EditorOne]

ProxyAmenRa and I are in complete agreement on this one.

Let me take it a step farther and be, for me, uncharacteristically harsh: This woman is a professional victim. She puts herself into avoidably bad circumstances then uses her victimhood to leech emotional sustenance from others. She's got issues far beyond your power to resolve. It is sad, yes, but some of us have seen this behavior before. The instinct in the INTP is to analyze the situation, point out where different decisions would have resulted in a better situation, and think we're done. Obviously she's not having that, and that's the giant gong going off. The gong means "Run away!" You don't need to be overtly hostile, but if she drops the silent treatment and starts up again with tentacle creep, some firmness might be in order. The truth is only she can resolve her own issues; saying that out loud would either back her off permanently or provide a new basis for moving forward.
Just don't fall into the trap of thinking you are in any way to blame for her life or her actions or her silence. Bash on with being yourself.

 

[Lobstrich]

Let me take it a step farther and be, for me, uncharacteristically harsh: This woman is a professional victim. She puts herself into avoidably bad circumstances then uses her victimhood to leech emotional sustenance from others. She's got issues far beyond your power to resolve. It is sad, yes, but some of us have seen this behavior before. The instinct in the INTP is to analyze the situation, point out where different decisions would have resulted in a better situation, and think we're done. Obviously she's not having that, and that's the giant gong going off. The gong means "Run away!" You don't need to be overtly hostile, but if she drops the silent treatment and starts up again with tentacle creep, some firmness might be in order. The truth is only she can resolve her own issues; saying that out loud would either back her off permanently or provide a new basis for moving forward.
Just don't fall into the trap of thinking you are in any way to blame for her life or her actions or her silence. Bash on with being yourself.

This one, he speaks the truth =o

 

[dala]

I've had 'friends' like this before. Run away as fast as you can, and be thankful that you got off so lightly.

 

[zycia]

ProxyAmenRa and I are in complete agreement on this one.

Let me take it a step farther and be, for me, uncharacteristically harsh: This woman is a professional victim. She puts herself into avoidably bad circumstances then uses her victimhood to leech emotional sustenance from others. She's got issues far beyond your power to resolve. It is sad, yes, but some of us have seen this behavior before. The instinct in the INTP is to analyze the situation, point out where different decisions would have resulted in a better situation, and think we're done. Obviously she's not having that, and that's the giant gong going off. The gong means "Run away!" You don't need to be overtly hostile, but if she drops the silent treatment and starts up again with tentacle creep, some firmness might be in order. The truth is only she can resolve her own issues; saying that out loud would either back her off permanently or provide a new basis for moving forward.
Just don't fall into the trap of thinking you are in any way to blame for her life or her actions or her silence. Bash on with being yourself.

I've had 'friends' like this before. Run away as fast as you can, and be thankful that you got off so lightly.

Yup!So true. Simple tricks of manipulation.

 

[Iximi]

Just be happy you didn't get tricked into dating one like I did haha. It is really not worth the effort to try and reason with her about anything . I'm sure there are some mature ESFJs out there, but this one sounds like one you need to keep at bay with a kilometer-long pole. That is... unless you enjoy frustration .

 

[SkyWalker]

She has borderline.
Borderliners seem to always get in situations in which they get abused, but they can't get abused, it's just play to manipulate you. It's impossible to abuse a borderliner, its the other way around: they abuse all others.
Proof: If they really don't want it, they'll attack you with all they have, even until death, they are ever ready to die, it'll get so ugly that the neighbors will talk about it for the next 10 years.
If a borderliner gets raped, then she wants it. She likes the attention!
She only plays hard to get in bed so he wants her more. There is no love in her, only hate.

I've known a few who were sexy as hell (they usually are very flirtatious and provocative) and tried dealing with them when I was young, then I learned how they operate and learned that -if you want them- you should just "use and discard" them all the time, this is the only way they keep their interest in you. It's sad and actually because of your doing they probably become even more borderline. But the love-treatment just doesnt work for them, its a turn-off for them. And you can't have a good conversation with them anyway. So what are they good for? (Just one thing, if they are sexy) Sad but true.

To run away is the easy advice. But what is more interesting is why these types behave like that. Let's discuss what's going on in her mind. Let's dissect her...

My best theory:
Feeling has 2 sides, love & hate. Borderliners have naturally strong extraverted feeling that somehow got stuck on operating on hate only.
(Introverted feeling could also do that, but the effect would be more passive I guess, more like passive aggressiveness)

 

[ProxyAmenRa]

SkyWalker is correct.

 

[Jackooboy]

Yikes... I would say leave her where she is...

Also, have you thought she could be lying about all of this just to get attention and play the victim card?

Is she trying to make you jealous or see if you will stand up for her in some form of allegiance and love for her?

Many women like to be the center of attention, but what they like even more is when one man attacks another out of love for her... It's the ultimate compliment and sense of security a woman can get from a man-- In my opinion, that's why many women like men in the military, they see sacrifice for themselves and the nation.

Anyhow, she's a manipulator... There are many out there; just know the game she's playing... Play along if you'd like, but it won't end nicely...

 

[SkyWalker]

Many women like to be the center of attention, but what they like even more is when one man attacks another out of love for her... It's the ultimate compliment and sense of security a woman can get from a man-- In my opinion, that's why many women like men in the military, they see sacrifice for themselves and the nation.

nice example:
These kind of women will also test your "devotion" by engaging with another man. They can even do this right in your face, actually they prefer that. Let's say you go to a bar with her and some random guy starts flirting with her, then she'll always engage while you are next to her. Actually BECAUSE you are next to her.
If you are young and inexperienced then you'll be so stupified by her action, that you'll lose. She'll escalate the flirt because you seem worthless to her if you dont stop her. She'll fuck him right there in your face if she has to, and he's just a random guy... it was actually all about you and not about him at all, he's just random. that "all about you" part is not a good thing though, because it is not love, it is hate.

she is your eternal enemy.

sex with the enemy can be very good though

 

[Roni]

Ditto: all the assessments of her as a chronic attention seeker playing the victim card and disregarding your limits.

Adding: the 'silent treatment' from an ExFx is particularly nasty. She needs interaction and her decisions are guided by values - it takes deliberate malice to withhold from you something she values highly herself. You probably find her behaviour more puzzling than hurtful, but just her intention to be hurtful should earn her a place on your 'People Who Are Bad For Me' list.

Intrigued by:

I think she wanted a display of affection from you for hurting her feelings.

This rings so true I'm now wondering how many friends I've 'failed' by not appreciating how much I've hurt them.
Of course I'm not responsible for meeting expectations they haven't tried to communicate to me, but what if they did try communicating their hurt using the 'silent treatment'?
I wouldn't even notice. I might even think they were respecting my space!