communication problems

[blueforest]

hi all -- so glad to have found this forum and be around like souls!

i am a true-blue INTP and while i have become modestly successful socially -- i can hold my own in a conversation (finally) -- and work-wise -- i'm slumming as a project manager in IT until i get my son through college and can afford to teach public school soon -- i continue to have problems with my communication skills.

it seems i only communicate a fraction of what i'm thinking and therefore people misinterpret or draw conclusions about me based on one tiny part of the larger whole that remains unexpressed. does anyone relate to this? i think it has to do with the extroverted/feeling/sensing types always having to blather about their every impulse and thought and concluding everyone is compelled to do the same. anyway, i'm tired of being mischaracterized, misinterpreted, misrepresented, and misunderstood and so have to figure out how to better mitigate this so i can be: a) more succesful; b) less aggravated; and c) spend less time explaining myself.

this 'problem' of mine bedevils me in both professional (work) and social/romantic contexts.

do you guys understand what i'm trying to express? do any of you have any suggestions for me?

thanks and happy to meet everyone!
rose

 

[ignatius]

Hi and welcome!

I can definitely relate to this "problem". Sometimes I just feel like it's a complete waste of breath, and almost feel physically pained when I'm forced further explain something. Not that I don't talk at all... I just dislike having things pried out of me, especially when I see it as unimportant, or something they should already know.

The part about being misrepresented - I've also had this happen to me. It's hard to assertively make sure that people interpret you correctly.

So I don't really have any good advice, sorry, as I have the same problems :\ I might suggest (to not only you, but also myself) though that we should try harder to clearly express our thoughts in general, not just the specific passing ones that we chance to say out loud. If that makes sense?

But I'm glad you're here, and hope you stay around!

 

[Gaupa]

I have exactly the same problem. I think that I am being clear and obvious, and the next moment it turns out that I'm totally misinterpreted. I have really had to work with this, and must also remind myself to express feelings when dealing with Extraverted and Feeling people.

When I was young I always felt incredibly clumsy, socially, and that most of the things I said seemed to upset or hurt someone. Nowadays I don't feel quite as much like an alien, but still have to continue working on it. I've developed more skills in reading people though, and it becomes easier to confirm that they received my words as I meant them.
[However I still make jokes at times that are received as a slap in the face... Must try to refrain to the urge of being witty at all times and think about my "punchline" before I deliver it...
- Just the other day my sister in law said something about not wanting a big cross at her funeral (hypothetical discussion, she is not dying or anything), and I replied "- What, are you like anti-... Christ?" Came out very nicely, yes...]

 

[Ermine]

I have the same problem. I've been told that I'm not a good communicator though I feel like I'm explaining myself very clearly. I also can't do small talk. I don't talk about something unless it matters to me. I don't do well saying "hi, how are you? yeah how's the weather, have a good day?" I can't put up with the trivial stuff that makes up conversations and eventually friendships. I don't see the point in checking on the status of something when I know it to be the same as the last time I checked and it doesn't matter much anyway. It's a horrible problem as it keeps me from being a good friend, being seen as I am, having a rewarding romantic life.

The worst part of it is that the only way to get out of it is practicing, running my mouth with someone when none of what I'm saying needs to be said. It's forcing myself to be what I'm not. I hate that as it's uncomfortable and I'm an INTP.

It's not that I don't have friends, but I have to work really hard to get through the obstacles, even for something as simple as talking to a friend on the phone.

Am I the only one with the inability to do small talk and extreme apprehension before social events (even the simple stuff)?

 

[Wisp]

I have the same problem. I've been told that I'm not a good communicator though I feel like I'm explaining myself very clearly. I also can't do small talk. I don't talk about something unless it matters to me. I don't do well saying "hi, how are you? yeah how's the weather, have a good day?" I can't put up with the trivial stuff that makes up conversations and eventually friendships. I don't see the point in checking on the status of something when I know it to be the same as the last time I checked and it doesn't matter much anyway. It's a horrible problem as it keeps me from being a good friend, being seen as I am, having a rewarding romantic life.

The worst part of it is that the only way to get out of it is practicing, running my mouth with someone when none of what I'm saying needs to be said. It's forcing myself to be what I'm not. I hate that as it's uncomfortable and I'm an INTP.

It's not that I don't have friends, but I have to work really hard to get through the obstacles, even for something as simple as talking to a friend on the phone.

Am I the only one with the inability to do small talk and extreme apprehension before social events (even the simple stuff)?

I find that that largely goes away when I'm talking to my INTX friends (Two J's, A P, and a drifter). We both become so lost in a logical maze that I stop thinking about communicating, but focus more upon constructing an arguement, and the words naturally follow. Once I warm up to a group of people, I tend to talk a decent amount, and am known for being way off the wall while I'm talking (10% of time) and for being silent the other 90%,. It might be that I'm just naturally good at communicating, or it could be something that anyone could do. Eh. It might take practice, but I've found that good friends are worth it.

 

[Polymer]

In reply to BlueForest, From what I understand(unless others are letting you know of this) the apprehension you are currently feeling, is from your tendancy to analyze what happend after allowed time to think about it, and therfore realize the mistakes you made.

Sound familier? Trying to get a feel for this way of thinking.

Best advice I can give, is to see if you understand what your saying completely before you say it. Correct me if I'm wrong(new to this stuff), but when the INTP is put into a position where they have to give an immediate reaction, they are forced to rely on the (iN) to form their views. Being somewhat instinctive in nature, points are going to be missed, since they may not be fully understood at the time. To be analyzed by the T, and occasionally cause stress as the person picks apart the situation.

Also when just talking, I'm told the Ni will throw up slightly controversial topics, or play the devils advocate for the heck of it, in order to provide the T with more information to form ideas, views, and understandings. While the actual person may not ultimately have a true opinion, since there should be a correct way to go about things...

Yes/No? How was that for a first post :/

 

[Wisp]

In reply to BlueForest, From what I understand(unless others are letting you know of this) the apprehension you are currently feeling, is from your tendancy to analyze what happend after allowed time to think about it, and therfore realize the mistakes you made.

Sound familier? Trying to get a feel for this way of thinking.

Best advice I can give, is to see if you understand what your saying completely before you say it. Correct me if I'm wrong(new to this stuff), but when the INTP is put into a position where they have to give an immediate reaction, they are forced to rely on the (iN) to form their views. Being somewhat instinctive in nature, points are going to be missed, since they may not be fully understood at the time. To be analyzed by the T, and occasionally cause stress as the person picks apart the situation.

Also when just talking, I'm told the Ni will throw up slightly controversial topics, or play the devils advocate for the heck of it, in order to provide the T with more information to form ideas, views, and understandings. While the actual person may not ultimately have a true opinion, since there should be a correct way to go about things...

Yes/No? How was that for a first post :/

Yes and No. We don't have iN. We have iT, which forms our thought process. We have eN which articulates the way we interact with the world. We have iS, which serves to create our organized inner world. We finally have the shadow of eF, which is our weakest area, and governs our emotions. We don't HAVE an iT, but your argument is still fundamentally correct.

 

[Vrecknidj]

Hi Rose, welcome.

it seems i only communicate a fraction of what i'm thinking and therefore people misinterpret or draw conclusions about me based on one tiny part of the larger whole that remains unexpressed.

Perhaps some specific examples would help. This is pretty general. Is it actually the case that everyone you encounter does this? Does it happen more at work than elsewhere? Do specific people tend to do this more than others? In other words, this may just as much be about others as it is about you.

this 'problem' of mine bedevils me in both professional (work) and social/romantic contexts.

Regarding the romantic contexts, again, are there some tendencies among those you've had relationships with that might help?

Dave

 

[lightspeed]

hi all -- so glad to have found this forum and be around like souls!

i am a true-blue INTP and while i have become modestly successful socially -- i can hold my own in a conversation (finally) -- and work-wise -- i'm slumming as a project manager in IT until i get my son through college and can afford to teach public school soon -- i continue to have problems with my communication skills.

it seems i only communicate a fraction of what i'm thinking and therefore people misinterpret or draw conclusions about me based on one tiny part of the larger whole that remains unexpressed. does anyone relate to this? i think it has to do with the extroverted/feeling/sensing types always having to blather about their every impulse and thought and concluding everyone is compelled to do the same. anyway, i'm tired of being mischaracterized, misinterpreted, misrepresented, and misunderstood and so have to figure out how to better mitigate this so i can be: a) more succesful; b) less aggravated; and c) spend less time explaining myself.

this 'problem' of mine bedevils me in both professional (work) and social/romantic contexts.

do you guys understand what i'm trying to express? do any of you have any suggestions for me?

thanks and happy to meet everyone!
rose

I relate to this completely and will elaborate when I can. Until then... Welcome! It's very nice to meet you. Please post as much as possible.

 

[loveofreason]

Verbal self-expression is such a bane for INTPs! But see how we all relate and express ourselves here. We blossom on the internet.

ooo, didn't mean to sound so corny!

Welcome Rose, I hope you post some more.

 

[Wolf18]

I agree. I am sometimes discussing an esoteric concept with a friend, and a person who doesn't understand jumps in and says, "wait, go back a minute, that makes no sense," and I do, and then he asks me to explain the concept in a simpler way. I will usually respond by asking him to try to understand my explanation, because there is no other way to explain the concept. He often replies with some excuse like "why should I understand? I'm not you." This frustrates me greatly, as this person was the one who wanted me to explain in the first place, and I will often reply by telling him that he is an idiot. The person starts yelling at me and telling me that I am arrogant and/or heartless. So, I explain the concept to him in the way that he wants to hear it. Without all the information (because he can't/doesn't want to process it), he accuse me of saying something I don't mean, and the argument continues. It seems that I can't explain something correctly without a confrontation, but my word of advice: if someone is willing to hear you out in the first place, chances are he or she will not make judgements based on something he/she doesn't understand.

SW

 

[pjoa09]

Damn I was in 11th grade when this thread started and now I am nearly four years into a job.

Prehistoric.

 

[redbaron]