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Children Rules vs Freedom

Grayman

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How much freedom do you give children or more so when, where and why? I see parents that are too rule bound and stifle growth of teenagers and I have seen parents who let their children rule the household and manipulate their parents with fits and crying to get their way in all things. Age is also important of course. I imagine the limitations are greater when they are younger than older so clarity needs to be made between the ages. When interacting with a 10 or below child I limit their choices but still offer them a choice whenever I can. At some point, however, you need to open the door so that they have complete access to the choices available to them so long as the consequences are not so dire that they may never recover from them.
 

Hadoblado

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As a soft rule, I default to giving them as much freedom as I can get away with. Working in childcare, this usually means less than I'd otherwise give them.

Bruises are fine. Broken bones are fine most of the time (I've never had a child break a bone on my watch, but if that's the worst that can happen I'll generally allow it). Concussion is where it gets scary, but you've still got to let them take some risks if it's only a minor possibility.

Risk management is a learned skill. In order to develop it in the context of meaningful consequences, you need to let them exercise it. Protecting children from meaningful assessment of risk sets them up to hurt themselves the moment you're not there to make their decisions for them.

As for non-safety stuff, if they are respecting themselves, each other, and their environment, they basically get free-reign.
 

Jennywocky

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As a soft rule, I default to giving them as much freedom as I can get away with. Working in childcare, this usually means less than I'd otherwise give them.

Bruises are fine. Broken bones are fine most of the time (I've never had a child break a bone on my watch, but if that's the worst that can happen I'll generally allow it). Concussion is where it gets scary, but you've still got to let them take some risks if it's only a minor possibility.

Risk management is a learned skill. In order to develop it in the context of meaningful consequences, you need to let them exercise it. Protecting children from meaningful assessment of risk sets them up to hurt themselves the moment you're not there to make their decisions for them.

As for non-safety stuff, if they are respecting themselves, each other, and their environment, they basically get free-reign.

Generally that is my approach. And I raised my kids with the sense that one day I would not be there to watch over them and they would be adults -- so my job was to prepare to be able to face whatever problems challenged them, maximize their capabilities, encourage their curiosity, take care of themselves, and properly manage and mitigate risk without limiting themselves unnecessarily.

When I was a kid, thing were far less "safe" but it's not like my peers were dying. We got our share of scrapes and bruises and the occasional broken limb... and had a wonderful time doing it. It was a wonderfully weird time; my mother used to let me sit in the car and read while she went in for groceries, while nowadays if you left a ten year old in the car for an hour in a parking lot someone might call the cops on you for neglect.

Anyway, it can be quite a balancing act since each child is different and there can be situations you did not anticipate; but pretty much mitigating the risk for BIG stuff while meanwhile encouraging your child to explore is what I would advocate.

it's a little odd for me to imagine them now driving all over the place and going out late at night, etc., once a parent always a parent, but you just equip them as best as you can and then they can make their own decisions rationally. I was flabbergasted when one went at age 19 down to Mexico to hop around the countryside with a friend for two months, I have no idea of the real risk, but he did it and has some great stories and he managed to take care of himself without much money with him, so... he succeeded and can take care of himself obviously. It is just really odd sometimes where your kids start at helpless and you fret over every small thing you don't understand, then one day they are on their own and that part of your task is mainly done. I guess I did some stuff as a young adult (and did just fine) that flipped my parents out too.
 
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