Angry work colleague - confused intp

[majohnso]

hi all,

looking for some assistance.

i really struggle with conflict at work, given my intp nature, i dont know how to respond in the moment.

on friday past, a new joiner who was getting frustrated went "bananas" on me, blaming me for things that factually dont make sense, and i tried to apologise although 2 others have told me i did not need to, he was just over reacting.

i was confused with this all, and then remembered i am an intp, this is not my strength, which partially helps. anyway, i would like tips as to how you deal with such emotions and dealing with such circumstances, so they dont consume the mind for a few days.

thanks
Mark

 

[Cognisant]

If he's having a tantrum just stand there and wait until he runs out of steam then say something like "you done, ok lets get back to work", don't apologize, if he asks for an apology ask him what he wants you to apologize for then point out the flaw in his reasoning.

Don't play the emotional game, be stoic, make him play the rational game.

If he escalates to violence defend yourself insofar as you need to in order to extricate yourself from the situation, then tell other people what happened.

 

[Minuend]

Let your feelings consume your mind for a bit, I find trying to work against uncomfortable feelings makes them linger longer. They will pass, it's ok to feel bad for a few days, and if you allow yourself to process those feelings without trying to avoid or push them away, maybe you'll get better at doing it more automatically in the future. It doesn't feel nice right now, but they will go away eventually

It does sound like that guy was struggling with his new tasks, and all his emotions made him burst out in anger. You know when you had a bad day and then suddenly there's one more small annoyance or frustration, and it all comes toppling down even though the real problem is something completely different. He has probably been carrying feelings around all day or even week (longer if he has personal problems), and you were just there when his limit for what he could take was reached. So you became the target even though you had nothing to do with it. It's how human feelings works for some people in some situations.

What to do in the situation depends on the person and situation, I'm not sure what I would've done in that situation when I don't know what the guy's like. I might just let him be angry if I perceived him to be frustrated with something else and there was no reason for me to take it personal. Maybe I'd ask if he needed a break if he seemed worn out. Idk.

 

[washti]

If you find difficult to be firm (what Cog wrote), frame him with humore as spoiled kid every time he has a fit. It is emo-play but can be very sobering. Be polite and talk with big smile - slowly - like to retard. I observed this work splendidly on certain people.

Actually he is very likely more stressed now than you or he's idiot. Being new = have to fit it. If this behaviour persist, your coworker will rather fast free you from his presense himself. People difficult to work with are first to cut even if their other skills are valuable.

Not trying to play devil's advocat but personal matters can severely infect everything you do, to the level when staying professional looks like unberable struggle.
Maybe he's aproaching critical mass in privet life. Maybe you are able to be compassionate? ;>

 

[*sUnShInE*]

hi all,

looking for some assistance.

i really struggle with conflict at work, given my intp nature, i dont know how to respond in the moment.

on friday past, a new joiner who was getting frustrated went "bananas" on me, blaming me for things that factually dont make sense, and i tried to apologise although 2 others have told me i did not need to, he was just over reacting.

i was confused with this all, and then remembered i am an intp, this is not my strength, which partially helps. anyway, i would like tips as to how you deal with such emotions and dealing with such circumstances, so they dont consume the mind for a few days.

thanks
Mark

You've got to stand strong and play politics. In the office setting do not let anything go. And do not take anything personally. If you want to move up...
It used to get to me but not nemore.

 

[PmjPmj]

Report him to a higher-up.

If he can't behave like a civilised human being within the workplace, your superiors need to know. It is completely unacceptable to act in such a manner.

Should you find yourself in a similar situation again, just ignore the guy and report him immediately.

 

[majohnso]

Report him to a higher-up.

If he can't behave like a civilised human being within the workplace, your superiors need to know. It is completely unacceptable to act in such a manner.

Should you find yourself in a similar situation again, just ignore the guy and report him immediately.

thank you, this has happened, but i am in an odd work position, as we arre a consultancy on site, and my boss doesnt take an interest in such things, and he does know, so it got brushed off

its fine for now, i will just avoid this person as much as possible

 

[majohnso]

You've got to stand strong and play politics. In the office setting do not let anything go. And do not take anything personally. If you want to move up...
It used to get to me but not nemore.

i agree with this also, but its not my forte, but have been trying.

big part of it, is takingg things personally so that needs to stop

thank you

 

[PmjPmj]

thank you, this has happened, but i am in an odd work position, as we arre a consultancy on site, and my boss doesnt take an interest in such things, and he does know, so it got brushed off

its fine for now, i will just avoid this person as much as possible

Your boss should fucking care.

Shit boss.

 

[tmtaylor]

Going crazy then blaming you.
He wants one of two things
1. He knows he is incompetent so he looks for a Scapegoat. He picked you because well your probably just a nice guy not to aggressive. Intelligent people can seem incompetent because if you are asked a question, you think about it, look at it from multiple angles, maybe answer I am not 100 percent sure but I believe it is this. Stupid people will whip out a answer quickly with no thought and seem confident as can be. This being said he thinks he can push you and blame you and like you said you started to apologize. In his mind he just got you too take the blame and if he is confronted about his mistake he will say ( its your fault) and if you are approached about it . It will shock you that he lied. You will then either have to confront this or just take blame and let it go. I had same situation and at first I had no idea what to do. Then I just saved all emails and text any communications with that person and next time around I had proof of what I did and told them. He was discredited and never messed with me again.
As a boss I will take a guy that say I don't understand what to do or openly admits a mistake and asks how to do it correctly the next time or states this is a area I am weak in . These are all normal human things and can be improved . A guy that lies and blames does no one any good your managers will actually fear him a little because they cant trust work he does and if SHTF he might blame them or make them look like a ass eventually .
OK how to react: He expects you to do just what you did. Other scenario he might expect is you to fight with him. He is some what prepared for either if you fight with him he might elevate it a little or storm off or suddenly turn into the victim. My answer is just stare at him with blank expression show no emotion. He has no Idea how to react to this. You are pulling him out of his comfort zone . He doesn't get reaction that allows him to blame you or reaction that allows him to be victim. My experience is they either just quit walk away or maybe try to question why your not reacting a little but still will quit walk away.
Ok your boss doesn't care he doesn't want to do his job. He thinks to himself they are like kids do I really gotta go out and deal with these two acting like kids. He doesn't want confrontation either.
Leave him out of it. He will just see both of you as problem probably you more so than other guy beings your the one that brought issue to him.
Just document event to best you can what his issue was , how he acted towards you. If coworkers witnessed it ask them to sign your records date them. file this in safe place. Document everything with this guy . He cant fight fact and records.

2. He is just a big baby that screwed up He picks you to vent on because your easy target. He actually thinks ruining your day will make his better. Possible just a bully belittling you makes him feel better.
Once again just stare at him . He wont know what to do. He learns right then he isn't going to get out of you what he wants. Document everything and let it go. Wait a day approach him and tell him if he needs help or doesn't understand something you are more than happy to help him or find someone that can.( with a witness with of coarse) Tell him if he is having other problems needs someone to talk to you can go get a beer or coffee after work. Now he knows he isn't gonna push you around make you feel bad . Your showing him a path to help his work issues and your offering friendship if he is a bully he will see you as on his side not a victim. If he is just having horrible events at home. He is probably embarrassed by event as is and your being a better man. It will make him feel better about it and see you in different light .

Don't question yourself . Your confused by situation because well you don't think like him or act like him. You can probably never understand him . That's not your fault. Some people just love to fight even when they know they are wrong. You don't want to fight its not your nature. There is nothing wrong with that. I have learned over years instead of taking it out on myself or trying to understand other person. To clear feelings about situation . Do like I said approach them next day offer to help them. you can walk away knowing you offered to help if they take it great your friends now if they don't its on them but they will respect you for it. Either way you will feel better.