A poem....

[Arrisa87]

It cut the soft tissue that binds my life
From blue to red to black, it flows freely with energy
Pooling in to the creaks of the cold pavement
Blood boils in the noon day and sun
Over time rain and wind and snow wash away the discolored stain
Purpose forgotten, long with the name eaten by time
Like all other before and after and those to come
We will all be forgotten…

Let me what you think please…

 

[Trebuchet]

Wow, I am not a poetry person at all, but you certainly deserve a response for posting this. So the first thing I admire is that you finished a poem and then showed it to people, which are both very impressive.

The second thing I admire is that your imagery is very vivid. The emotions come through clearly. The imagery is really quite dark, which works well. It has a feeling of despair rather than inevitability, and rage against the fate of all people. There was no impression of fear, but there seemed to be a longing for something, maybe for reassurance, hope, meaning, or peace.

Beyond that, I found it hard to figure out what the poem was about. I mean, clearly it is about the fleeting nature of people, and their powerlessness against the passage of time. That's the same theme that made Ozymandius such a success.

But I don't really understand the first three lines, though I think they are about death. I didn't know what the energy was or what the colors were supposed to represent, or how "it" could both cut and flow.

Now that I have said all that, I beg you to ignore any part of it that displeases you. My opinion is worthless here, since I'm complaining about how it doesn't make sense, and you have written something about an emotion that probably shouldn't make sense. Lots of poetry confuses me. I certainly couldn't write a better one. Well done. Write more.

 

[Cobra]

"It" which cuts is a knife or razor. "Blue to red to black" is another time theme engaging imagery of blood exposing to oxygen and eventually coagulating.

I was surprised, Trebuchet, that you understood all that other stuff, but didn't catch the meaning of the first 3 lines! Pretty brilliant assessment, imo.

I bump the last post, Arrisa. This is a great poem. You're not afraid to use some words that some might find trite to express something plainly and clearly. It doesn't matter what words you use. It matters how you've used them, and you use them HARD! I like it very much. And the message is very plain which makes its purposeful brevity almost mutually understood by the reader and author.

 

[Trebuchet]

I was surprised, Trebuchet, that you understood all that other stuff, but didn't catch the meaning of the first 3 lines! Pretty brilliant assessment, imo.

Thanks, Cobra. Yes, I do miss references to death by cutting. I had a very traumatic experience when a roommate cut her wrists (but was physically okay). I don't even notice suicidal references anymore.

And thank you for the compliment. I admired your analysis, too.

 

[transformers]

Not bad. A little unoriginal though. And could do with some stronger imagery.

 

[Cobra]

Well, death is a rather well-travelled path for poets. I wouldn't necessarily call it "unoriginal" to take the highway to the mall. And I don't think stronger imagery is necessary for this poem. It's short, so the language used, I think, gets the job done. Are you maybe into more abstract language? Because that, I think, it may be lacking. But then, that's only if you're into that sort of thing. I'm into metaphors, but I don't necessarily need them to like a poem.

 

[transformers]

Well, death is a rather well-travelled path for poets. I wouldn't necessarily call it "unoriginal" to take the highway to the mall. And I don't think stronger imagery is necessary for this poem. It's short, so the language used, I think, gets the job done. Are you maybe into more abstract language? Because that, I think, it may be lacking. But then, that's only if you're into that sort of thing. I'm into metaphors, but I don't necessarily need them to like a poem.

it's unoriginal in its approach, not the choice of topic. and i suggested stronger imagery because the OP is already using imagery, but it doesn't create the vivid impression i think she/he was going for.

 

[Cobra]

Well, at least that answers the question about whether you like metaphors. The highway was the approach. The mall was death.

EDIT: But I agree. I don't mean to defend this poem as if it is one of the greatest I've ever had the pleasure of reading. Sorry about that.

The imagery can be very important to some readers, and if it's not up to par, then it can really drag the poem down.

Has our OP written this as their farewell to the world? Have they chosen this place to carry on their story? The world may never know! lol

 

[asdfasdfasdfsdf]

"Like all other before and after and those to come
We will all be forgotten…"

after copy pasting that my text is all messed up.. oh well.
ever seen blade runner? (i know it is based off a book, but i dont know if the quote is the same)
but my favorite line from that movie - "Ive seen things you people wouldnt believe:
attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion.. I watched sea-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate.
All those moments, will be lost in time, like tears in rain...
time to die"

and the execution of that line is flawless. almost makes me cry. its said in the rain, btw.
if you havent seen that movie, watch it.
it is my favorite.

 

[RubberDucky451]

I thought it was very good. Very colorful use of words, i felt vivid emotions.

But.. can you please change the text from comic sans?