Welcome to yet another episode of
CHEESEUMPUFFSOVER-ANALYZES SOMETHING DUMB
(usually pop culture related)
Jesus fuck that color bullshit was tedious.
Welcome to the only show where I, Cheeseumpuffs, wastes an inordinate amount of my and your time by going on and on about something that no one should ever care about.
In our last episode
we looked at the Star Wars Prequels and how they might have been better stories if they had cast Palpatine as the primary protagonist.
In today's episode I dive into (and subsequently fix) a tv show of which I've seen two whole episodes.
CW's The Flash
While at a friend's the other day he put on this week's season premiere of the second season. After that he put on the pilot for the first season.
So the basic plot of the first season (as I've understood it) is thus:
(mostly explained by my friend)
1. Future Guy is from the future and has flash powers and hates The Flash for some reason (I dunno, it's what bad guys do fuck you stop asking questions)
2. He travels to the past, when The Flash is a child, and kills The Flash's mom by running back and forth in front of her or something (I don't know why he doesn't just kill Flash The Kid, especially seeing as Little Flash is fucking watching it happen, but that's not even the weirdest thing Future Guy does)
3. At some point in this time traveling homicide, Future Guy loses his powers and (apparently as a result) his ability to return to the future so he kills the Doctor Guy who eventually causes the disaster that gives The Flash (and others) their superpowers and then he uses a Future Gadget to assume the likeness and identity of Doctor Guy in order to speed up the timeline and get the magic power disaster to happen sooner.
4. His reasons for wanting to cause the disaster sooner are not, as one might suspect, to rejuvenate his powers so he can just hop back to the future, but rather he wants
to give The Flash his powers so that he can use The Flash
to get himself back to the future.
Don't ask me why he doesn't just use it to give himself powers and develop his own way to get to the future. I don't know. For some reason he needs his greatest enemy, The Flash, to help him. I dunno, that's poignant or something right?
Also don't ask me how he could know that The Flash would get his powers this time. By impersonating the Doctor and changing the time when the disaster occurs he could've changed all the circumstances and The Flash could've been in a totally different spot and never gotten his flash powers. Then what, you big dummy? Future Doctor is one lucky bastard.
The Meat of the Story:
1. Flash the Kid, after witnessing an orange-ish ball of lightning murder his mother (for which his father was convicted) is raised by his best friend's dad (they will be known as Black Girl and Black Cop for the remainder of this analysis because apparently I'm a racist). The Flash has a hopeless crush on Black Girl but she only thinks of him as a friend/brother.
2. The Flash is a 20something forensic assistant for the police department. He's kind of the stereotypical deadbeat jerkoff kid that every pre-superhero is. He's late showing up to the crime scene and makes lame excuses, he's single and immature about it, etc. But the show doesn't even do a good job about making him a deadbeat. In a Batman-like show of detective work, he uses a remnant of a tire print to correctly determine that the criminals are hiding out at a farm. This detective work is seemingly his usual level of operation and yet the police sergeant (or maybe just Generic Older Cop) discounts him as a jerkoff kid. Like seriously, show? Are we just supposed to believe he's irresponsible and unreliable just because you tell us? Because you've sure done a good job of showing us that he should be lead detective on like all of the department's cases. Fuck it, whatever, I'm not even that far into this.
3. He and Black Girl head to this big press conference thing at the Lab where Future Doctor is going to be turning on his particle accelerator that Flash has apparently been going on about for like forever. But then some random dude steals Black Girl's laptop which contains the only copy (seriously? No back up?) of her dissertation which was established in an earlier clumsy attempt at characterization. So Flash goes chasing after the criminal who beats the shit out of Flash and then White Cop is oddly and abruptly introduced by tasering the criminal. Cut to the police station where Black Girl and Flash are, because apparently they just didn't go back to the Lab even though Flash has been losing his shit about how cool it is. There's some clunky dialogue that shows that everyone thinks White Cop is a competitive prettyboy douchebag then Flash goes home. In his huge and awesome crimelab that's apparently in his home despite him being a useless deadbeat piece of shit he looks out the window and sees the Lab explode and is then struck by orange lightning.
4. Cut to nine months later. Flash wakes up in the inner sanctum of Future Doctor's lab. Here he meets White Girl and Vaguely Ethnic Over-excitable Long-haired Dude (I don't have a better name for him, fuck you) who, despite being 20something year olds are Future Doctor's closest helpers at the Lab (not like, y'know, a 40/50+ scientist that you'd expect to see at a particle accelerator)
5. Future Doctor explains that Flash was in a coma for nine months (which seems like a brain-damaginly long amount of time to be in a coma) and that his body was doing weird shit blah blah blah you're magic etc. He leaves and discovers that Black Girl and White Cop are going out (gasp! Who would've seen that coming?). Then his body starts freaking out and doing things super quick.
Here's a bit where I really was taken out of the show. There are instances where it's shown from his point of view and he's just moving at regular speed while the world is in slow motion but there are times where we seem him zoom by and crash into things because he can't stop himself even though he totally should be able to
because he's just moving at normal speed from his point of view.
6. So then he practices his skills. Future Doctor becomes a mentor of sorts which I've already discussed is a weird motivation for Future Doctor who hates the Flash but doesn't just fucking kill him for some reason.
7. Flash discovers that there are other magic people and stops one who thinks it's his godly mission to rob banks and in the process Black Cop finds out that Flash has flash powers
The Rest of Season 1:(Conjecture based off how the pilot went and what things were like in the premiere of season 2)
1. Each episode probably follows with him discovering more people using powers for evil and stopping them. The B story in each episode is most probably random personal drama involving Black Cop, Black Girl, and White Cop (and the other people of various races from the Lab). And then there'll be C story sprinkles of clues involving his mother's murder and such.
2. Flash probably discovers that Future Doctor is evil sometime around midseason. This is a good time for TV shows to pull the twist. It gives them a ratings boost going into the last half and then it serves to focus the storyline for the remaining episodes, providing a break from the monotony of repeatable episodic stories (looking at you Burn Notice) and also gives our protagonist a primary antagonist (woo! buzzwords!).
3. Somehow by the end of season 1 Future Doctor has flash powers again and creates a black hole above the city but Flash stops it and kills Doctor but White Cop dies and is sucked into the black hole and also White Girl's White Boyfriend is sucked into the black hole.
whew! Season 1 is done.
In S02E01 Flash it's like six months later or something and he's all moody and doesn't want any of his friends to help him anymore because he doesn't want them to get hurt (unoriginal, but not necessarily inaccurate given events). Random one-off magic person does some shit and then dies but reveals the name of this season's antagonist (Zoom. Holy shit I am losing what little respect I had for comic book writer's naming abilities) in a scene that's oddly reminiscent of Cab Driver's "Moriarty!" from the first episode of Sherlock.
Flash hooks up with either Black Girl or White Girl and then whichever one he hooks up with it'll turn out that their boyfriend didn't actually die in the black hole and actually comes back (possibly as an antagonist but could still be an ally. Could go either way, really). This creates conflict (shocker!). Whichever girl he hooks up with will feel conflicted. Resurrected Boyfriend will feel betrayed. And our beloved, moody, generic, white protagonist will have ample opportunity to be moody and generic.
Also the rest of the show will follow the same pattern as the first season. Episodic stories of stopping bad guys, slowly getting closer to Zoom. Zoom is revealed midseason. Zoom is defeated in the end.
Why is this show so mediocre and predictable and casts 20-year-olds in roles better suited for people who're 30-40 years old?
It's on the CW. Don't get your hopes up for quality tv. It's not bad, sure, but it's incredibly middle of the road. But that's what you should expect for a show marketed to the 15-30 demographic of childish, white comic-book lovers (not saying that comic-book lovers are childish, just that the CW markets itself a lot to young people who prefer to live in generic fantasy worlds).
But Cheeseumpuffs, you exclaim, you haven't fixed it yet! How would you do it better?
And my answer is this:
I wouldn't. I think superheroes are overrated/overdone and boring and this show really doesn't fail at anything it tries to do (it just doesn't try to do all that much) and also I got bored with this subject about two thirds through this post and only stuck with it as far as I did because it felt like a waste to spend that time and effort and have nothing to show for it.
Here's a tl;dr for you, because reading the above post is almost definitely a waste of your time.
The Flash is meh. If you want good tv don't watch it. If you're young and looking to be somewhat entertained by a show which occasionally throws in some high school level relationship pseudo-drama then this is probably for you.
Thanks for tuning in for this episode of
CHEESEUMPUFFSOVER-ANALYZES SOMETHING DUMB
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Also tune in for my next episode in which we'll take a look at:
Pokemon! (More specifically, which one would taste the best?)