hello (and goodbye) :(
the internet, and this forum is a place for freedom i don't have in real life. throughout life i have been afraid to let myself out and be free. but my mother has indeed put up parental control blocks and become administrator thus seeing/controlling everything i do on the internet (including taking my laptop off me). this is my sanctuary, my escape and a place for freedom. freedom monitored and controlled is NOT freedom and i don't wish for my inner world and privacy to be hung atop the rooftops. this defies all purpose, all meaning of the internet. in real life, i am scared to let myself out, my real self i think is ugly and undesirable and not to be seen by tangible eyes. this is depressing, she has removed my freedom :(
i have always been a slave to my mothers opinions, i dare not get a social life or proper friends or even girlfriends because i am scared she might not like them. i was never allowed to exit my own street and was confined. nobody even if i did desire friends wanted to hang around outside school with a shy kid who could not adventure as they could, i was/am boring to them. all this, everything i do all the time i feel somehow guilty. yet she still continues this vain attempt for me to be social. she doesn't mean harm i am sure but she does cause it.
i may rebel or become deliberately Anti-Social, i don't know, i can't continue feeling guilty and caring so much. i am not and never have been a bad child but i feel sorry for her and all around me, who have to put up with me :(
(she will monitor this and know i have been on when i shouldn't have :()
goodbye, i will miss you all greatly though you don't really care, i do. it is very sad it has come to this (and i am feeling VERY guilty) but it has, and i must accept it :(
- The Unforgiven
this song describes me well and hits rather deeply, the soundtrack of my life, if you will...