Re: are values valid? should we destroy them? (related to sex)
I took a 14 hour flight with no book, no movies, just sat with a pen and paper trying to reason through this.
Now I'm on vacation and its horrible. I can't enjoy myself because of how depressed I feel. This vacation is so important to me, I've been planning it for a long time. I don't want it to be ruined.
help..what do I do....I'll tell you what I'm feeling:
first, to clarify, the reason I'm worried about finding someone is not because I don't think I can find someone who respects my values. Most people I know do respect them, that isn't hard for me to find. My concern is not finding anyone who SHARES them. My BIGGEST fear is having sex not mean as much to them as it does to me. After putting my heart and soul into it, it would hurt a lot if they don't feel the same way about it.
1. Me & mystical connection guy (from my other thread) kept in touch and might see each other again. I want to experience sleeping with him so bad. But hes pretty nonchalant and promiscuous about casual sex - he says he desensitizes himself from the emotional part because he doesn't want to get feelings. But he said if he did it with me, he wouldn't want it to be desensitized because he wouldn't mind getting feelings for me. But I don't even know if it would be as meaningful for him as for me because after normalizing meaningless sex so much its hard to see how it can be as special for him still. But even if it could be special, still..every time I think of his attitude/lifestyle, I feel pain, heartbreak. I don't know, it just breaks my heart that he cares so little about something that I care so much about and want to share with him. I think the greatest pain I feel is thinking about his attitude, and also thinking of that attitude in other people in the public too. The best analogy is like how it feels watching someone slowly burn the one special gift you gave them to cherish into ashes in the ground.
2. I feel even pain toward myself. I hate the fact that I have to have this value/way of looking at things, and it is making me lose someone I care about. Whether I eventually find someone who shares my values or not, it is still a loss on my part because I lost a person that I wanted to be close to all because of this. I hate being in this position so much,
3. I feel jealousy toward mystical connection guy. He already experienced his meaningful sex when he was in highschool, now he's moved on to casual sex, he's gotten everything I've spent my whole life struggling for. His life is so simple ... he doesn't have to worry about all this.. he can BE WITH WHOEVER HE WANTS, he isn't limited by this like I am. He doesnt have to worry about having his partner care about sex less them him!!!! That is my biggest fear in life but he doesn't have to worry about that! How carefree he must feel, I wish I was like him. It is such a disturbing dissonance to be hurting over an aspect of someone while also feeling jealous over it at the same time. Hating something but wanting it. Its a sickening feeling.
4. All of these feelings toward him are translating toward everyone else. I can't happily walk down the street, meet people, do things, during my vacation. Everyone I look at, in my head I think "they probably don't care about sex either" and just feel sad about it. I feel that sickening feeling of hating how they are but wanting to be like them. I feel betrayed...if only they cared..if only more people cared..I wouldn't be suffering. I can't even do ordinary activities like go shopping, go to a bar, etc. Everything relates back to sex. What is the point in buying nice clothes and having a guy think I'm pretty if I'm never going to find a guy who shares how I feel and I'll just be hurt that he doesn't feel the same way. When I go to a bar, I see people trying to get laid, which rubs this entire issue back in my face. Even doing normal things like going to a museum, walking around, it is all empty to me. What is the point in life, where is the beauty, without having anyone to share the ONE thing you've sacrificed your whole life waiting for. Even if magically I find someone and won't be alone, still where is the beauty in a life so restricted that I have to limit my associations with people so much, where I have to cut out 70% of the population from my life and can't connect with them.
I just don't know what to do, I need to salvage my vacation