... Does anybody else freeze and space out before you start typing on a forum or a text? Ya know, like start picturing every thing you say and how others are going to respond?
It takes so much energy to open up and start talking to strangers. But ill put forth the effort for you guys! It has dawned on me lately that the only people im going to actually engage with (functionally) are people that share similar thought processes as me. So, its nice to meet all of you!
Now for the rough part.
I'm 20, and i work maintenance at McDonalds. I dropped out of high school in the last month of senior year, and then dropped out of the summer diploma program. Ask me about it sometime.
I am 6 months single after quite a tragic breakup, and i only now have completely decided how i feel about our actions.
Im quiet. Im super aware and judgmental of people. I am also super aware and judgmental of my self.
I dont really care much to socialize. I can talk to people, sure. But Im acutely aware that i dont make proper eye contact or facial expressions. And that i cannot listen to someone talk without responding these words: "Right." "Huh?" "Yeah."
Being out in public makes me very impatient and critical. I know when someone is looking at me. And if i know that, then i must be looking at them so since i dont want to seem creepy glancing at them for too long, better look at someone else! Or at my hands. Or the tv that im obviously not watching.
All the time thinking, "Is that person still looking at me?"
When im at work, I usually feel awkward first coming in, both wanting and dreading being looked at. Then its straight to work. Eye contact, smile.
First thought: I looked away rather fast. Im not nervous. But i feel like i look nervous. Was that even a smile? I didnt verbally greet them. That makes me stand out more than being loud... *imagining arbitrary conversation between any two popular employees at my job* Why do i care? Im just here to get paid, get out. Get paid, get out.
Then I begin zoning out into my work. I LOVE to autopilot through the repetitive tasks while my brain is off in la-la-land, fantasizing about oh so many things and conversations and ideas and music and memories.
Its the customers that begin to bother me. See, as a maintenance man, you dont HAVE to cook or fuck with customers. Which is ideal. Repetitive tasks with some variety, limited customer interaction, work entirely at the pace i see fit. Smoke breaks galore.
But damn, do i secretly hate me some sheeple. Sometimes openly. I have no patience for it. I can spot a sheep from a mile away. Uh-uh, i want no part of it. Please dont talk to me. I dont want to put all the effort into NOT offending you, or making some obvious filler small talk. Youre gonna forget me. Im gonna forget you. Im not impressed by you, and i dont care if youre impressed with me. Im not impressed with myself either. So please dont force me to deal with you, while not offending the shit out of you. Take your social networking obsession, texting while driving, bring-your-dog-everywhere, goes-to-church-then-treats-workers-like-shit way of life out of my face. I dont force myself on others. So dont do it to me. I in fact try to avoid any unexpected physical contact. Enough negativity though. I can put alot of power into being negative but never really do anything.
I think in sentences. You can almost feel them in your head. Read everything ive typed in this post. The sentence structure and train of thought. The inside of my head sounds like a combination of this style of talking, and a modern orchestra piece. Like some song from a game like Final Fantasy Tactics. I am almost constantly coming up with original music in my head.
Anyways, my main reasons behind joining this community is really just to get to know everyone, and let them get to know me. I want to share and compare experiences questions not only for entertainment
, but to help further understand others as well as myself. And to comfortably socialize with a large variety of people. I got some stories to tell, and i'd be glad to hear yours.
Is it odd that when faced with people similar to me, i act uncharacteristic of myself?