I don't know where to begin...
I guess like many INTPs I have a tendency to regurgitate all even remotely available information when it is not necessarily necessary....
Here are the facts:
I am 30 years old.
I have a Masters Degree in Economics, though its from a college in Sweden no one has ever heard of. I have a BA from a liberal arts college here in the US because of course i was a typical millennial idiot thinking that would actually mean something and ended up 80K in debt. It is now down to 24K but still obviously high....we came back to the US specifically with the hope that we could erase that quickly with higher salaries.
I lived in Slovakia working some corporate jobs and even got some recommendation letter/references. I butted heads with all of my bosses--I hate authority, but we often learned a way to work together and as I mentioned they all grew to like me and respect what I could do. Some of them even really liked me.
My "work" is statistical modeling, particularly with an emphasis in Marketing.
I have been back in the US with my wife now since last October, I have been unemployed almost the entire time except two jobs which were disasters. She got a job in two months and still has it. If you do the math that is--as of now--10 months of being unemployed with about 5 weeks employment at the first job (a marketing agency) and just 3 weeks at the next one (a non profit). Of course I have had dozens of phone screenings and I guess something like 7 or 8 in person interviews through all of this as well. I also had a job offer that I rejected after further communication with the employer gave me a bad vibe.
I had problems with anxiety and depression my senior year of high school and for some of my time in college. This last job, I was being treated so terribly the night before my last day major panic attacks came back and this time, unlike for many years, I couldn't fight them off.
I have no idea what to do and am completely lost....
My "work" is doing statistics and predictive modeling with statistics, though I also worked in finance and as a magazine editor.
What is the problem? I have an overarching theory but don't know how to mitigate it. There were differences in both jobs but some aspects which were similar.
1 The business culture here is VERY authoritarian. In Europe, sure your boss is your boss and ultimately he or she has the final say but you are expected to challenge him a bit and he is expected to be clear and transparent with you as well as mentor you and help you grow professionally. He/she will consult with you and ask your opinion on areas where you are the expert. Maybe I have just been unlucky, but what I have encountered is totally different here. The boss is really like a king, not to be questioned, who doesn't care about supporting or developing you, doesn't care about treating you with any decency, and who is always right no matter what. I might just say this is bad luck, but the organizations they worked for supported them in this so it isn't just them. The organizations at least also "believe" in this.
2 Point 1 just is really screwed up and is a problem no matter what, but given what I do it is an even bigger problem than for someone else. If you are a construction worker and you join a team and a foreman tells you what to do. He knows something about construction and was likely a regular worker like you once. But the people I work with don't know anything about data analysis or statistics except what they read two weeks ago in a Forbes article. This could be minimized as an issue if they worked closely with me so I could help them to make the decisions which made sense in the context of the "data reality" but they don't. They completely ignore my opinion and just pick out of thin air project goals or make promises to others which have no basis in reality. And you might be thinking, "why not warn them?" Well....given that some behavior like this was something I experienced before I was EXTREMELY proactive.
In one interview I took the guys watching me step by step through a data research problem and included time projections and necessary prerequisites. You can imagine that then after they hired me they completely ignored these. And for the other job I was specific with the interviewers that the number 1 priority for me was a collaborative and transparent team. I was, if anything, naively honest to the extent that one would expect that they would reject me out of annoyance at my preoccupation with this need. I spent nearly AN ENTIRE HOUR describing interactions and relationships with previous managers and team mates to illustrate clearly what I was looking for. And they conveyed to me that they believe in this too and that they were pushing for this throughout the organization.
One mistake I will admit--but I won't be too hard on myself for because they were turning the tables on me so much it would be hard for me to have concentrated on really determining this--was my new boss didn't know anything about BI, Data Analysis, Statistics, Visualization--you name it. I did probe him a little on it but not enough to really verify. The irony was one of the reasons I took the job was because I thought he knew what he was doing so I thought to myself, "ok even if the org is resistant and messed up he and I can work together."
Unfortunately, I learned relatively quickly that I was wrong and he knew virtually nothing and actually became an immediate adversary (also it became clear he was an ISTJ) lolololl...you couldn't make this stuff up.....so there I am 2.5 weeks later, sitting in the same room where I was interviewed with two of the same three people who interviewed me responding to my email that I said if things didn't improve that I would leave trying to spin all of it on me. It was unbelievable. I still...a week later...can't believe it happened.
So it could just be random but I suspect it isn't. One of the managers I spoke with said something that I didn't pay attention to when he said it, but later experiences indicated that maybe there was something there. He said, "People really have trouble understanding you." Now he is particularly dumb. But I think there was some truth to it in that some people understand me and are like...that is AWESOME and then some people don't and just don't say anything or i guess later try to destroy me or whatever.
(To be fair to myself, I tried explaining some of the stuff to my mom, who doesn't have a degree in anything and she got it so really I don't think I speak too much above others)
It is so funny because I gave presentations and workshops in Europe to people for whom English is not their native language and had few problems but I can't get through to local native speakers. In fact, I was complimented on my ability to explain intricate topics in a way non experts could understand. So I am not sure if people are just so much dumber here (at least where I live) or it is actually their ego just blocking comprehension or what...but I suspect that is part of the problem too.
So what can I do? My confidence is at an all time low and I am so indescribably desperate. Honestly, my wife is the only thing which keeps me going.
A programmer friend of mine suggested learning some Machine Learning stuff because he thinks I could then find some remote work with people who are more technical. Maybe...I started a course in it. It is also prob useful because stats are old news whether I like it or not
So should I do that? Should I give up and go back to Europe and hope to get a job again and live a small meager life paying the debt for 20 more years with my wife? Seriously....I don't even know what to ask. Is my theory right? IS there more to it? Was I just unlucky? If so how do I move on? I mean...I am rambling but I am so confused and depressed and I just need major help.....pls.....