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Old 7th-January-2017, 07:32 AM   #1
BrBaFan225
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Default I know this isn't normal

I don't really know what my point in doing this was. Guess it was just to get this off of my chest anonymously. I've known that I was an INTP for about two years now when I took the test in my psychology class. I'm not sure if that's has anything to do with these thoughts or not. Almost every day I have thoughts of brutally murdering people for fun. I don't feel guilty when I think about it, but I get almost a rush. A happy feeling. Human life is so pointless, I take ones life and another will be born in his/her place tomorrow. I have never harmed anyone, but I think about it constantly. I'm very fascinated with the human anatomy, and the insides of humans. It interests me where they came from, how everything has a job, and how it was constructed. It makes sense to me why people believe in God, everything works in order like it was perfectly crafted by someone, but it wasn't. I know that I can't actually harm anyone, because Jail would be terrible, but I feel like that's really the inky thing holding me back. I think about killing my girlfriends dog every single day, mostly because I hate it. I fantasize about cutting it open while its alive and seeing it's eyes slowly budge out and roll back in her head. I'm a fucked up individual and I'm not looking for someone to tell me I'm sick. I haven't done anything, and thoughts never killed anyone. Just was wondering if anyone had these problems too, or knew what I could do or what's wrong with me. I haven't actually harmed anyone but when I think about it I don't feel like I would feel much guilt, but more pleasure. I don't want to think this way anymore, I don't want to go to jail.
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Old 7th-January-2017, 09:44 AM   #2
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Default Re: I know this isn't normal

I am no psychiatrist but I have a few questions that might help you, or might not. Brainy things like these are wibbly wobbly and the questions I ask below may miss the mark completely. Either way, if you are honest, a framework is at least set.

These behaviors are for the most part transmutable, unless you have a definite neurological impairment, that is to say, a purely 'hardware' reason for these impulses.
That is unlikely in my knowledge and so we reach the fact that you can hamper some impulses that you do not feel are needed in your life, note however that this will take a lot of time and effort and if you lack the will to do it, you will never do it.

You do not need to answer all the questions or any for that matter.

-How often do you masturbate, if ever?

-Does your girlfriend know about some of your predilections and if so, what is her stance on them? How do you feel about asking her for help?

-Have you ever had any pets and what is your opinion of them?

-What is your primary and secondary usages of time (ie: work and main hobby)

-How often do you exercise? Additionally, would you typify your diet as being healthy?

-Do you have any close family members and if so, how do you feel about them? What is their stance towards you?

-Do you regularly watch pornography and if so, what type/s?
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Old 7th-January-2017, 09:52 AM   #3
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Default Re: I know this isn't normal

The only reason I would kill somebody would be in self defense or if I get pissed off enough and somebody's bugging me enough, but that one would have to be an extreme of that situation, because I don't normally bother to fix problems in my life. If I killed someone, I wouldn't do it brutally, just quickly or sneakily like a shot to the head or poison, because it would be less of a hassle, they would just die, and there would be less of a mess to deal with.
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Old 7th-January-2017, 12:04 PM   #4
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Default Re: I know this isn't normal

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrBaFan225 View Post
I know that I can't actually harm anyone, because Jail would be terrible, but I feel like that's really the inky thing holding me back.
It's not. You already have your answer below.
Quote:
Human life is so pointless, I take ones life and another will be born in his/her place tomorrow.
Just rearrange your thoughts in a structured order, like I did for you, and I believe you will be able to stay out of trouble.

It's your barbaric impulses that crawls to the surface, for one reason or another, often times it's just the media that 'opens the door'. The proper place to live out these impulses, if you have to, is on the battlefield. Enlist in the army as most others who can no longer contain it do. There are plenty of enemy troops that needs a burial.
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Old 7th-January-2017, 01:24 PM   #5
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Default Re: I know this isn't normal

The recognition that we are free to reject life and to ignore the will to live of surrounding lifeforms comes up for little kids but soon they will loose the fascination with this freedom, because they take it for granted but also take their general appreciation of life for granted. No reason then to experiment with the possibility, in imagination or by torturing rainworms or something.

I think if you take it for granted that

- having freedom of choice is normal. you are free to appreciate life or not. its 100% your choice.

- reconsidering your appreciation is normal when you experience ugly sides of life. no need to suppress this re-consideration from a mental level of philosophical argument down into that daydream like level of fantasizing about what it would be like to change your stance and do some bloody under-appreciation for a change.

then you have no reason to fantasize compulsively.

I wonder were you forced to pretend appreciation of another life (parent perhaps or competing sibling) that in return did not appreciate your own life? So that you lost the sense of this being your own choice. And appreciation became a question of survival, of being allowed to live, as opposed to being a question of what is the most enjoyable for yourself?

Integration with the whole, with life outside of you and conscience inside of you, is not only temporarily safer but in every way better, under normal circumstances. Survival is not the only good thing you get out of the life that surrounds you. You get all sorts of support and entertainment. You get a sense of purpose, because your abilities amount to more than just survival. Excitingly you can do cool things, that are only cool, because they are appreciated by someone else. Pleasing other people is a special form of entertainment, like a video game you can get good at, which is fun for the sake of playing it. You wouldn't want to be bored, being the last one to survive?

Of course, when other people don't appreciate you and give you nothing but the most outrageous shit, then its perfectly normal to dream about breaking free. For me, no matter how much average people give me shit, with their ignorant judgements, there is always enough memory of fun people to appreciate not only my survival but the potential company of suche people. I don't know any right now. But i will have friends again, some day. I want to believe.
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Old 7th-January-2017, 04:24 PM   #6
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Default Re: I know this isn't normal

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Originally Posted by Rook View Post

You do not need to answer all the questions or any for that matter.
Not entirely sure what the point is, but since no one knows my true identity I'll answer them.


-How often do you masturbate, if ever?

My occasional use of harder drugs has lessened my sex drive tremendously, but about four times a week I would say. I've had these thoughts before the drugs, and they are primarily the reason I dabble in them. I do cocaine about every two weeks, and smoke weed every day. That's all. Acid sometimes, and ecstasy.

-Does your girlfriend know about some of your predilections and if so, what is her stance on them? How do you feel about asking her for help?

She doesn't know the extent of my problems, but she knows that I have anger issues, and that I'm prone to getting depressed. I believe she has an idea, I've hinted at things in the past and I have a very dark sense of humor. I don't want anyone in my real life to know because this is very serious.

-Have you ever had any pets and what is your opinion of them?

I only like intelligent animals. If an animal is just a straight up imbecile, and does absolutely no good at all, all I want to do is kill it. If an animal doesn't tear up the entire house, knows basic rules, and isn't stupid, I can deal with them. I have a very smart Doberman who I like a lot.

-What is your primary and secondary usages of time (ie: work and main hobby)

Main hobby right now is honestly weed and video games. Drugs I guess. Only thing that keeps me sane, I work at s pizza shop.

-How often do you exercise? Additionally, would you typify your diet as being healthy?

I don't exercise very often, but I am in shape. I don't mind healthy foods, but they tend to be more expensive so I eat what I can afford.

-Do you have any close family members and if so, how do you feel about them? What is their stance towards you?

My parents, and my aunt. They seem to like me, but they kind of have to right? They didn't choose me, I was place into their life without their say so.

-Do you regularly watch pornography and if so, what type/s?

Yes I do. A lot or types.

Not sure what these questions have to do with anything but why not.
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Old 7th-January-2017, 04:33 PM   #7
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Default Re: I know this isn't normal

Quote:
Originally Posted by nanook View Post
The recognition that we are free to reject life and to ignore the will to live of surrounding lifeforms comes up for little kids but soon they will loose the fascination with this freedom, because they take it for granted but also take their general appreciation of life for granted. No reason then to experiment with the possibility, in imagination or by torturing rainworms or something.

I think if you take it for granted that

- having freedom of choice is normal. you are free to appreciate life or not. its 100% your choice.

- reconsidering your appreciation is normal when you experience ugly sides of life. no need to suppress this re-consideration from a mental level of philosophical argument down into that daydream like level of fantasizing about what it would be like to change your stance and do some bloody under-appreciation for a change.

then you have no reason to fantasize compulsively.

I wonder were you forced to pretend appreciation of another life (parent perhaps or competing sibling) that in return did not appreciate your own life? So that you lost the sense of this being your own choice. And appreciation became a question of survival, of being allowed to live, as opposed to being a question of what is the most enjoyable for yourself?

Integration with the whole, with life outside of you and conscience inside of you, is not only temporarily safer but in every way better, under normal circumstances. Survival is not the only good thing you get out of the life that surrounds you. You get all sorts of support and entertainment. You get a sense of purpose, because your abilities amount to more than just survival. Excitingly you can do cool things, that are only cool, because they are appreciated by someone else. Pleasing other people is a special form of entertainment, like a video game you can get good at, which is fun for the sake of playing it. You wouldn't want to be bored, being the last one to survive?

Of course, when other people don't appreciate you and give you nothing but the most outrageous shit, then its perfectly normal to dream about breaking free. For me, no matter how much average people give me shit, with their ignorant judgements, there is always enough memory of fun people to appreciate not only my survival but the potential company of suche people. I don't know any right now. But i will have friends again, some day. I want to believe.


Friends have always disappointed me, don't see the point anymore. I also don't understand why every other animal on this planet kills, and hunts, but we are not supposed to? I believe that when we were made it was breed into us to kill for survival, and now that it isn't needed to survive and we have a more balanced way of living, killing isn't acceptable. I'm a realist, logician, whatever you want to call it, and I don't believe that any of us have a purpose here, our only purpose is to distract ourselves every day until we die and that's just the cold hard truth. I don't know why I'm like this, but I don't want to be because it makes my life harder. I know that if I killed someone I wouldn't feel guilt per se, but I would panic about getting caught. I'm aware that I can't do it, but I feel like it's what I'm breed for. I had a brother who was in cancer treatment, and my parents paid more attention to him, kind of let me do my own thing as a child. I'm not sure if this is where it stemmed from, or if it's completely irrelevant. I wish I had that child like fascination with the world like I used to, wish I didn't see the world for w hat it is,
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Old 7th-January-2017, 04:38 PM   #8
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Default Re: I know this isn't normal

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Originally Posted by crippli View Post
It's not. You already have your answer below.

Just rearrange your thoughts in a structured order, like I did for you, and I believe you will be able to stay out of trouble.

It's your barbaric impulses that crawls to the surface, for one reason or another, often times it's just the media that 'opens the door'. The proper place to live out these impulses, if you have to, is on the battlefield. Enlist in the army as most others who can no longer contain it do. There are plenty of enemy troops that needs a burial.
I've thought about joining the army, but I don't take order well. I don't like someone telling me what to do, and I would struggle very hard with that. I play a lot of violent video games, but I honestly don't feel like that is the reason for these impulses. Might intensify them at times, but not the root of my problem. I've felt like this for a very long time, and sometimes thoughts just aren't enough, but I know I can't act on them.
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Old 7th-January-2017, 04:42 PM   #9
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Default Re: I know this isn't normal

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The only reason I would kill somebody would be in self defense or if I get pissed off enough and somebody's bugging me enough, but that one would have to be an extreme of that situation, because I don't normally bother to fix problems in my life. If I killed someone, I wouldn't do it brutally, just quickly or sneakily like a shot to the head or poison, because it would be less of a hassle, they would just die, and there would be less of a mess to deal with.
That's where we are different. It wouldn't satisfy me if the death was instantaneous. I want to drag it out for as long as possible. Cut them open while they are alive. I'm a fucked Up individual but I don't want to be..
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Old 7th-January-2017, 05:32 PM   #10
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Default Re: I know this isn't normal

For me killing is acceptable if it achieves something constructive for the individual or a community of them . Serial killers are to killing what masturbation is to raising a family: A revelry in the attainment of pleasure as opposed to the construction or preservation of something that can last decades or generations, even after the individual is dead. The same goes for war: I find it ok for a nation to invade another for existential reasons, but going to war purely on the basis of religion or ideology is a waste of effort, effort better spent managing the nation itself.


Now I'll be skipping past philosophical themes and address some of the answers you gave me.

--Details about myself to give you some idea of where I am coming from:

In terms of drugs I 'just' smoked weed almost daily for a year, I masturbated 1-3 times a week ever since semen could be produced(with pornography an ever present indulgence, some sick stuff contributing to a few warped views ) and I was addicted, aye, addicted, to a great variety of video games and the internet to boot.
Up until recently I have not had clear goals in life and any meaning attached to it was instantaneous: I can do this now, it feels good, so I do it. Fuck the future, fuck hard work fuck building up a legacy that will only be consumed by my death.
Some of my thoughts had turned to your mode of thinking, where I considered revelry in taking life and the utter meaninglessness of such acts in the grand scheme of things. How to get away with it, will I kill myself afterwards, or if I am caught, and so on.

To put it bluntly, I despise what I was and while some impulses of my above missteps are still present, I deal with them on a day-to-day basis. I imagine the above described being as an amphibian mass of slime which I have chained to wall, kicking it every day and yearning for that moment in life when I will scatter it's ashes into the wind. It is contained now, but not completely defeated. The fight goes on.

I am excited about what the future holds for me. After some years of work I hope to have completed certain courses, which will assure my future employment in a field that I am deeply passionate about (the African bush). I actually want to start a family, I want to raise children with someone I deeply care about, but before that comes about financial stability and certain social improvements are non-negotiable.--

Now, here is my advice. It's not easy advice, but shortish:

1.Stop masturbating. Do it only once every 30 days, or 20 on first attempt. Stretching past 30 days is even more advantageous. (Not very sciency here, but basically your testorone levels go up, your balls grow big and you want to be active, want to achieve things to impress other apes and potential mates and so forth).
You want to do things and do them right, or learn how to do them right. You want to risk your life to build it up.

2.Now: The things you do have to be constructive. With increased testosterone comes increased impulses and sometimes anger. Exercise is key here, and even walking for an hour each day or even 10 kms really helps. Other 'hard' hobbies (ie: not video games or chess) also help. Whether it be learning to weld, going camping every weekend or carving figurines from bone. Build something, be active in the three-dimensional sphere that is life.
Having male friends also help here, they usually allow one to focus on a specific sphere of activity in an intense manner, call it meditation or call it hunting with fellow tribesman. Either way, that is one biological facet behind the convention of friendship.



3.Drop drugs. Hard to do, yes. Going cold turkey is almost impossible with certain substances, so I suggest alcohol. Maybe drink a beer or a glass of whiskey each night, and get drunk 2 or 4 times a month.

4.Video games do not make one violent, but they do counteract many of the above ambitions: The taste of false achievement on a computer does not come close to achieving something in real life. More people are also touched by the second type of succes, and if they aren't, fuck them, you still built something. Go on building and you will soon have something substantive instead of a fleeting xp gain or kill or whatnot on the computer.

This is a rough list, but basically it is restoring a balance in your biology. Becoming a well-functioning animal, almost being 'reborn' in a non-religious sense. If you have done what I suggest for two months, maybe four, and your impulses are as strong as ever, either seek help or go down the deep end. At that point, I can not help you, I operate on no brains.


**I must also add that those around can be of great help. Do not tell them everything or even anything, just say "I am going to do this, and stop doing that. If you see me struggling or regressing, stop me or help me."

These are things I have noticed in the imbalance of some males, especially younger ones(Of which I am one) and urban ones(of which I was one for a year).

If my advice holds no value to you, so be it. If it does, best of luck.

***also, if there are woods or bush within 10kms near you(or more if you drive), go there from time to time. The monotony of buildings has the tendency to stifle the spirit. Climb a tree, make a fire or just throw stones at birds. Don't kill a dog but by Zeus birds are fair game.

If you do feel the compulsion to hunt mammals, do it for food. Venison is quite healthy and hunting brings you into the sun with twig scrapes, triumphs and defeats.
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Old 7th-January-2017, 06:13 PM   #11
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Default Re: I know this isn't normal

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rook View Post
1.Stop masturbating. Do it only once every 30 days, or 20 on first attempt. Stretching past 30 days is even more advantageous. (Not very sciency here, but basically your testorone levels go up, your balls grow big and you want to be active, want to achieve things to impress other apes and potential mates and so forth).
Masturbation, or excessive masturbation doesn't affect your testosterone levels or brain chemistry, it's a myth.

Behavioral compulsion/habitation for masturbation, or spending too much time on it can however interfere with scheduling, planning, pugnacity, energy levels and the like.

You have the right conclusion that in most cases lowering drugs (including caffeine which is also in tea)/sugar/masturbation will help, but you give the wrong reasons.
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Old 7th-January-2017, 06:21 PM   #12
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Default Re: I know this isn't normal

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Originally Posted by Blarraun View Post
Masturbation, or excessive masturbation doesn't affect your testosterone levels or brain chemistry, it's a myth.

Behavioral compulsion/habitation for masturbation, or spending too much time on it can however interfere with scheduling, planning, pugnacity, energy levels and the like.
My ignorance in science aside, it worked for me to abstain.

Artificially simulating frequent intercourse goes against the basic precepts of mammalian biology and evolutionary meaning, we once got an old dachshund from townfolk that humped pillows and bit children, I still bear one of its scars after it fucked me arm and bit me upon my pulling away, shooting it was a mercy or at least a convenience.

(general observation)This is one theme I notice: Some humans tend to place science above experience, where experience is in essence science on an individual basis and therefore more applicable. Suffice it to say, the modern availability of pornography has far-reaching societal effects and in 30 years we shall see what sort of humans this has produced.
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Old 7th-January-2017, 06:30 PM   #13
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Default Re: I know this isn't normal

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(general observation)This is one theme I notice: Some humans tend to place science above experience, where experience is in essence science on an individual basis and therefore more applicable. Suffice it to say, the modern availability of pornography has far-reaching societal effects and in 30 years we shall see what sort of humans this has produced.
Well, allusions aside, I speak from experience as well, sugar and caffeine were ruinous for my heart rate and stress dampening levels.

We won't see how different those people are, because we will already be biased by the new baseline of those effects. Only by detaching from your personal experience and establishing what used to be back then and what is now that you will be able to tell what's different. Memories serve us well, but those are full of biases, prominently that things used to be much better in your past, that make your brain then look for random and supportive reasons for why your conclusions are correct.

Problem with experience based reasoning is when you lose track of the consistency of your reasoning and instead begin matching experiences to preferred or imagined results, which is the kind of pattern-matching recognition that our brains excel at, storytelling essentially or persona/authority building.
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Old 7th-January-2017, 06:40 PM   #14
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Default Re: I know this isn't normal

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Well, allusions aside, I speak from experience as well, sugar and caffeine were ruinous for my heart rate and stress dampening levels.

We won't see how different those people are, because we will already be biased by the new baseline of those effects. Only by detaching from your personal experience and establishing what used to be back then and what is now that you will be able to tell what's different. Memories serve us well, but those are full of biases, prominently that things used to be much better in your past, that make your brain then look for random and supportive reasons for why your conclusions are correct.

Problem with experience based reasoning is when you lose track of the consistency of your reasoning and instead begin matching experiences to preferred or imagined results.
Eh lots of stuff and far too lackluster to detail delve, basically what I'm saying: If you see something through and it does help you, maintain course. External absolutes need not apply if you know you are improving or getting to a place that you quite fancy. This is one interesting thing about religion, where some precepts force a society to remain true to mammalian impulses and others force the society to reject inherent biological impulses.
-
I think one way to measure these societal changes is look at them from an historical context: How did people live then and now, what were the main beliefs and even the petty day to day grinds of most folk(In the internet age these historical comparisons become ridiculously easier to do than say, a study of ancient egypt in victorian times)

I think something like pornography strikes at the heart of humanity and therefore the changes will probably be more noticeable on an extended timescale, while changes due to television or the telephone are far more difficult to place psychologically, but quite easy in practical terms(easier conveyance of information and whatnot).
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Old 7th-January-2017, 07:54 PM   #15
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Default Re: I know this isn't normal

I don't have any knowledge on this subject. But is this a form of "emotional high"? I mean, for instance BDSM I consider a form of emotional high, where you enjoy sensations which can be mostly obtained by that kind of indulgence. The feelings and experience feels pleasant and makes you experience a certain form of mindstate that feels rewarding. In the case of BDSM, I don't think you even need the sexual part to enjoy the sensation. Another type of emotional high is that which you get from extreme sports. I guess things like crying to sad films could be a form of emotional high as well.

I guess what determines what experience you enjoy depends on how you're wired, early year experiences and so on. You seem to have some baggage from the past, but it might be a personality + baggage combo.

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Friends have always disappointed me, don't see the point anymore. I also don't understand why every other animal on this planet kills, and hunts, but we are not supposed to? I believe that when we were made it was breed into us to kill for survival, and now that it isn't needed to survive and we have a more balanced way of living, killing isn't acceptable. I'm a realist, logician, whatever you want to call it, and I don't believe that any of us have a purpose here, our only purpose is to distract ourselves every day until we die and that's just the cold hard truth. I don't know why I'm like this, but I don't want to be because it makes my life harder. I know that if I killed someone I wouldn't feel guilt per se, but I would panic about getting caught. I'm aware that I can't do it, but I feel like it's what I'm breed for. I had a brother who was in cancer treatment, and my parents paid more attention to him, kind of let me do my own thing as a child. I'm not sure if this is where it stemmed from, or if it's completely irrelevant. I wish I had that child like fascination with the world like I used to, wish I didn't see the world for w hat it is,
No, there's no purpose. But that doesn't mean things like feelings and sensations doesn't exist. If you kill someone, that has consequences for a lot of people, including yourself. That is reality for people, even if there is no higher purpose. Our experience, feelings, thoughts and perspective of reality is there whether our life has a higher purpose or not. If you try to think about it, what would change if every person had a higher purpose? Compare a cashier today with an alternative reality where a person is destined to become a cashier. The individual human is still human. The feelings and thoughts are still there.

About being breed to kill for survival. My impression is our forefathers ate a lot less meat than we do today (a few cultures are exceptions), meaning we didn't kill that often (relatively speaking). I don't think excessive bloodthirst was evolutionary necessary to secure a basic amount of meat-food. Keeping prey alive while cutting it doesn't seem practical.

If you were a pure realist like you claim, then adapting to modern society should be easy, no? No need for excessive killing, so no need for those thoughts and impulses. We are not that rational of beasts, and our emotions influence us more than we like to think.

Would you be willing to share how you saw the world like when you were younger?
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Old 11th-January-2017, 05:27 AM   #16
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Default Re: I know this isn't normal

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-How often do you masturbate, if ever?

My occasional use of harder drugs has lessened my sex drive tremendously, but about four times a week I would say. I've had these thoughts before the drugs, and they are primarily the reason I dabble in them. I do cocaine about every two weeks, and smoke weed every day. That's all. Acid sometimes, and ecstasy.

-

Main hobby right now is honestly weed and video games. Drugs I guess. Only thing that keeps me sane, I work at s pizza shop.

-Do you have any close family members and if so, how do you feel about them? What is their stance towards you?

My parents, and my aunt. They seem to like me, but they kind of have to right? They didn't choose me, I was place into their life without their say so.

-Do you regularly watch pornography and if so, what type/s?

Yes I do. A lot or types.

Not sure what these questions have to do with anything but why not.
BrBaFan225 thanks for your transparency. The questions that Rook asked were the key questions that need to be asked when anyone has violent thoughts. Now I'm not a scientist but it's clear that it's the drugs that cause you to think violently or at least amplify those thoughts significantly.

How does ecstasy work? Your brain releases your entire storage of serotonin and at some point it says, "STOP, this is not normal. I instruct you to stop production of serotonin. Completely." Then your brain won't produce any serotonin for weeks or months. No serotonin = no feelings of that "sweet calmness" that you felt as a kid when your mommy hugged you. Google: Symptoms of ecstasy withdrawal. Also google: Symptoms of schizophrenia.

How does cocaine work? When you take cocaine your brain releases dopamine but the cocaine blocks the mechanism that regulates your dopamine level. At some point your brain says, "STOP, this is not normal. I instruct you to stop production of dopamine. Completely." No dopamine = no happiness. Google: Symptoms of cocaine withdrawal.

What does masturbation do? Every time you're ejaculating your brain releases dopamine. By masturbating frequently you're programming your brain to get your dopamine fix from masturbation. It's become an addiction.

See the pattern?

Science knows: you can't find any pleasure in life if you do drugs or are addicted to things. And as you know, an addict will lie, steal, and KILL if he doesn't get his fix. Your mood is driven by drugs, your thoughts of killing people likely motivated or at the very least amplified by drugs.

Bro, there is a lot of happiness in life that is so much more beautiful than what you're feeling now when you're on drugs. We all go through crises like you are going through one now but we need to push hard to get out of these bad times immediately. I promise your violent thoughts disappear when you take ALL DRUGS out of your vocabulary, including alcohol and marijuana. Maybe in your circle of friends or in your family drugs are popular, alcohol is "just a beverage," and weed is "good for you" or whatever. But drugs are not necessary to live a happy life. What will you lose if you cut them out? Now it's time for the annoying part.

What to do: the three things that help: opening up to family, religion, seeing a counselor (you don't have to tell anyone about your visit - just don't accept any prescription drugs. Or you'll be in a mess again.)

As you can tell by the length of my post, I care about you even though I've never met you. You've opened up to all of us in this forum, and hopefully you can open up to your family, too.

Good luck on your journey.
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Old 17th-January-2017, 02:01 AM   #17
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Default Re: I know this isn't normal

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Originally Posted by BrBaFan225 View Post
I don't want to think this way anymore, I don't want to go to jail.
This is boredom x stress. Reduce both, and it'll go away.

From your posts here, it seems like your current environment wouldn't be friendly to this change. College/different job might help?
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Old 17th-January-2017, 05:41 AM   #18
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Default Re: I know this isn't normal

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrBaFan225 View Post
I don't really know what my point in doing this was. Guess it was just to get this off of my chest anonymously. I've known that I was an INTP for about two years now when I took the test in my psychology class. I'm not sure if that's has anything to do with these thoughts or not. Almost every day I have thoughts of brutally murdering people for fun. I don't feel guilty when I think about it, but I get almost a rush. A happy feeling. Human life is so pointless, I take ones life and another will be born in his/her place tomorrow. I have never harmed anyone, but I think about it constantly. I'm very fascinated with the human anatomy, and the insides of humans. It interests me where they came from, how everything has a job, and how it was constructed. It makes sense to me why people believe in God, everything works in order like it was perfectly crafted by someone, but it wasn't. I know that I can't actually harm anyone, because Jail would be terrible, but I feel like that's really the inky thing holding me back. I think about killing my girlfriends dog every single day, mostly because I hate it. I fantasize about cutting it open while its alive and seeing it's eyes slowly budge out and roll back in her head. I'm a fucked up individual and I'm not looking for someone to tell me I'm sick. I haven't done anything, and thoughts never killed anyone. Just was wondering if anyone had these problems too, or knew what I could do or what's wrong with me. I haven't actually harmed anyone but when I think about it I don't feel like I would feel much guilt, but more pleasure. I don't want to think this way anymore, I don't want to go to jail.
My baby boomer Dad always told me it's normal to think about killing people, he told me every once in a while he fantasies about causing a car accident or killing an annoying person in church. He happened to be a cop for 15 years, and only fired a gun once(when he was rushed by a robber which led him to quickly shoot him, without getting the chance to really think about it) The biggest reason I can never be an atheist(I'm currently agnostic, Raised Catholic) is that I do things without thinking, I do things quickly. If you put me in a crowd near a cliff; I would probably faint to prevent myself from purposefully bumping into other people right next to me. Something that scares me even more than no God existing, is the Idea of no free will, that we are just animals acting on primal instinct, chasing dopamine in what ever ways we can, no matter the cost to others. I currently believe that the whole universe itself is supreme, and every living thing is part of one big spirit. To keep myself from doing bad things I hold this theory that if you become a violent person, or do something wrong, your body will change to send a message to other people that you are violent or you'll suffer depression or have a stroke. Basically like what happened to the main character in The Tell Tale heart, take Josef Mengele as a real life example; he killed people only to have flee to Argentina to live in fear with a family he probably didn't give a sh*t about. Near the end of his life he was swimming and had a stroke, a once "powerful" man watched himself die a terrible, slow death, while having no way of stopping it. Life is filled with such Irony, it's almost as if someone is actively screwing with us. But that could just be paranoia talking. Anyway, whenever I am depressed, I can draw art and come up with interesting ideas. For every advancement we make, another problem arises, it's like a supernatural law. Even if their is no God, many people have died and studied to better society and preserve human life. Shouldn't that tell you that we do things to serve humanity as a whole. But this is all theory I came up with after arguing with some of my atheist acquaintances, I never took philosophy, just etymology(I wanted to, but my Catholic parents wouldn't let me)
Every human is capable of feeling pain, is that really what you want to bring into this world? More pain? I myself have had some really disgusting thoughts, but usually they come from isolation and go away once I have diffrent things to worry about(like flunking out of school). Perhaps you suffer from OCD, I've read having worries about hurting people is a side affect of it(though one the more rarer ones) My INTJ friend believes in free will, but he says he find's humanity to be worthless, because we have no greater purpose, but what if we are the purpose? If their was a God, he would be all powerful and all knowing, so would't it make sense that he would be inspired to make something limited? Dr. Manhattan, one of the most well fleshed out fictional INTP's, went to Mars and asked Silk Spectre II how would Mars benefit from our existence, when we would just make it ugly with our parking lots and oil rigs. To that I say what is beauty even worth, without humans around to see it? In my opinion, it's our emotions and feelings that give us value, because they give us reason to give non-living things value and create things. I think suffering will never go away, just shift around in scale, but this is ok, because it makes us real, it makes the good parts of life more meaningful and it give's us a reason to make things. I believe if we only live once, then we should live to help others and ourselves make the most of it.

http://ocdla.com/harm-ocd-1-1982
http://www.steveseay.com/aggressive-...illing-others/
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Old 18th-January-2017, 06:46 AM   #19
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Default Re: I know this isn't normal

Quote:
Originally Posted by R3TR0 View Post
My baby boomer Dad always told me it's normal to think about killing people, he told me every once in a while he fantasies about causing a car accident or killing an annoying person in church. He happened to be a cop for 15 years, and only fired a gun once(when he was rushed by a robber which led him to quickly shoot him, without getting the chance to really think about it) The biggest reason I can never be an atheist(I'm currently agnostic, Raised Catholic) is that I do things without thinking, I do things quickly. If you put me in a crowd near a cliff; I would probably faint to prevent myself from purposefully bumping into other people right next to me. Something that scares me even more than no God existing, is the Idea of no free will, that we are just animals acting on primal instinct, chasing dopamine in what ever ways we can, no matter the cost to others. I currently believe that the whole universe itself is supreme, and every living thing is part of one big spirit. To keep myself from doing bad things I hold this theory that if you become a violent person, or do something wrong, your body will change to send a message to other people that you are violent or you'll suffer depression or have a stroke. Basically like what happened to the main character in The Tell Tale heart, take Josef Mengele as a real life example; he killed people only to have flee to Argentina to live in fear with a family he probably didn't give a sh*t about. Near the end of his life he was swimming and had a stroke, a once "powerful" man watched himself die a terrible, slow death, while having no way of stopping it. Life is filled with such Irony, it's almost as if someone is actively screwing with us. But that could just be paranoia talking. Anyway, whenever I am depressed, I can draw art and come up with interesting ideas. For every advancement we make, another problem arises, it's like a supernatural law. Even if their is no God, many people have died and studied to better society and preserve human life. Shouldn't that tell you that we do things to serve humanity as a whole. But this is all theory I came up with after arguing with some of my atheist acquaintances, I never took philosophy, just etymology(I wanted to, but my Catholic parents wouldn't let me)
Every human is capable of feeling pain, is that really what you want to bring into this world? More pain? I myself have had some really disgusting thoughts, but usually they come from isolation and go away once I have diffrent things to worry about(like flunking out of school). Perhaps you suffer from OCD, I've read having worries about hurting people is a side affect of it(though one the more rarer ones) My INTJ friend believes in free will, but he says he find's humanity to be worthless, because we have no greater purpose, but what if we are the purpose? If their was a God, he would be all powerful and all knowing, so would't it make sense that he would be inspired to make something limited? Dr. Manhattan, one of the most well fleshed out fictional INTP's, went to Mars and asked Silk Spectre II how would Mars benefit from our existence, when we would just make it ugly with our parking lots and oil rigs. To that I say what is beauty even worth, without humans around to see it? In my opinion, it's our emotions and feelings that give us value, because they give us reason to give non-living things value and create things. I think suffering will never go away, just shift around in scale, but this is ok, because it makes us real, it makes the good parts of life more meaningful and it give's us a reason to make things. I believe if we only live once, then we should live to help others and ourselves make the most of it.

http://ocdla.com/harm-ocd-1-1982
http://www.steveseay.com/aggressive-...illing-others/
Beautiful things don't actually have meaning, we give them meaning ourselves. We invented meaning. With no humans the word meaning wouldn't even exist. My problem isn't do we matter, because of course we matter, we created a society where humans are the most important thing, but that's because we are wired to believe that, because we are in fact human. Do you think other life forms out there care if all of us die and burn up? They don't even know what a human is. Our existence means absolutely nothing to them, doesn't effect them in anyway just like theirs doesn't effect us. It's all biased. In our eyes we matter, in the small picture, but in a much larger, zoomed out picture we are just mere specks. Specks that are too intelligent for the life we are forced to live (most of us). When you die what is the purpose of what you did your entire life, besides to procreate and have your offspring start another generation of the same pointless life. I'm sure life is better than death, which is why most people stay alive. It's a good enough reason for me most of the time, but things are starting to bore me. My mind has been so infested with these sickening thoughts, it's all I can think about. It's almost as if everything bores me if it isn't murder related. I wish I could see things completely like you do, but in my head if I do good, or if I do bad, I still die anyway. Everyone who knew me and knew about me doing those bad things, will also die. After they die, my actions will have absolutely no impact on the world anymore. I realize this is a negative way of thinking, but the truth is often negative. It's hard for me to be stuck on a planet beyond my control, with everybody on a constant loop. The Earth is on a loop, we are are on a loop, everything is on one big continuous loop. Live, die. School, go to more school, find a job. We live just to live. We serve no purpose. It's bad but I feel like my purpose is to kill. I know that I can't. Being in jail, trapped, not being able to leave when I want, it all leads me astray. But God I want to. I might be a fucked up human, who knows. God I'd hate to be normal though.
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Old 19th-January-2017, 01:15 AM   #20
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Default Re: I know this isn't normal

Quote:
Originally Posted by BrBaFan225 View Post
Beautiful things don't actually have meaning, we give them meaning ourselves. We invented meaning. With no humans the word meaning wouldn't even exist. My problem isn't do we matter, because of course we matter, we created a society where humans are the most important thing, but that's because we are wired to believe that, because we are in fact human. Do you think other life forms out there care if all of us die and burn up? They don't even know what a human is. Our existence means absolutely nothing to them, doesn't effect them in anyway just like theirs doesn't effect us. It's all biased. In our eyes we matter, in the small picture, but in a much larger, zoomed out picture we are just mere specks. Specks that are too intelligent for the life we are forced to live (most of us). When you die what is the purpose of what you did your entire life, besides to procreate and have your offspring start another generation of the same pointless life. I'm sure life is better than death, which is why most people stay alive. It's a good enough reason for me most of the time, but things are starting to bore me. My mind has been so infested with these sickening thoughts, it's all I can think about. It's almost as if everything bores me if it isn't murder related. I wish I could see things completely like you do, but in my head if I do good, or if I do bad, I still die anyway. Everyone who knew me and knew about me doing those bad things, will also die. After they die, my actions will have absolutely no impact on the world anymore. I realize this is a negative way of thinking, but the truth is often negative. It's hard for me to be stuck on a planet beyond my control, with everybody on a constant loop. The Earth is on a loop, we are are on a loop, everything is on one big continuous loop. Live, die. School, go to more school, find a job. We live just to live. We serve no purpose. It's bad but I feel like my purpose is to kill. I know that I can't. Being in jail, trapped, not being able to leave when I want, it all leads me astray. But God I want to. I might be a fucked up human, who knows. God I'd hate to be normal though.

"I wish I could see things completely like you do, but in my head if I do good, or if I do bad, I still die anyway." That’s a tragedy I can live with, as long as when I die I get to know that I lived doing things my way, by my code of ethics, and I accomplished at least half of what I wanted to accomplish. That's why I don't put any real effort into my school work; I'm choosing to make contribution to this world socially, not academically, because I’ve never had any real talent at the latter. If we had a greater purpose; if perfection was a feasible societal goal we could reach, what then? I personally believe in free will. If we lived in a perfect world, free will would have no value, because we wouldn’t have to make any tough decisions of morality. We would’t get to choose who we are. Being able to make choices, that to me is consciousness, that’s what would separate us from machines, so if God does exist I wouldn’t be mad at him like for making what Stephen Fry called an impossible world, I would instead thank him for creating life equipped with free will, only a supreme being could do that.
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Old 19th-January-2017, 09:55 AM   #21
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Default Re: I know this isn't normal

R3TRO's on point. And you're right, we create our own meaning. If you want to change, you can choose to do so. I would say that there's nothing stopping you, but that would be an assumption because even though it's ultimately true, you could have misconceptions getting in the way. So I'll ask: What's stopping you?

My guess is that you're missing something in life to get excited about; something that would allow you to gain respect and appreciation from others. That's why I mentioned college or a different job above, because those are two potential pathways to achieve this.
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Originally Posted by BrBaFan225 View Post
We serve no purpose. It's bad but I feel like my purpose is to kill.
These are contradictory, yeah? I know that logically, you already understand this, as obviously you know that this is the meaning you invented. But emotionally, I'm not sure if you do. It's more than just the prospect of restricted freedom upon being caught that holds you back, if you look deeper. Your "targets" aren't selected randomly. They are those who you are detached from and/or dislike, whether it be randoms on the street or the dog. They are not those who you value, enjoy, deem innocent, care for, or in other words "love" to some degree.

If my guess above is correct, it's not that you're choosing harm vs "love" because you are destined to harm, but because the option to "love" isn't even on the table, because you have few if any people in that category in your life. The easiest way to identify those worthy of that category is if/when they express caring, respect, appreciation, etc.

So that would be your choice: Whether or not to take a path that would allow people into that category. So what can you project onto that blank canvas instead? What do you enjoy?
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Old 15th-March-2017, 02:17 AM   #22
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Default Re: I know this isn't normal

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Originally Posted by BrBaFan225 View Post
I don't really know what my point in doing this was. Guess it was just to get this off of my chest anonymously. I've known that I was an INTP for about two years now when I took the test in my psychology class. I'm not sure if that's has anything to do with these thoughts or not. Almost every day I have thoughts of brutally murdering people for fun. I don't feel guilty when I think about it, but I get almost a rush. A happy feeling. Human life is so pointless, I take ones life and another will be born in his/her place tomorrow. I have never harmed anyone, but I think about it constantly. I'm very fascinated with the human anatomy, and the insides of humans. It interests me where they came from, how everything has a job, and how it was constructed. It makes sense to me why people believe in God, everything works in order like it was perfectly crafted by someone, but it wasn't. I know that I can't actually harm anyone, because Jail would be terrible, but I feel like that's really the inky thing holding me back. I think about killing my girlfriends dog every single day, mostly because I hate it. I fantasize about cutting it open while its alive and seeing it's eyes slowly budge out and roll back in her head. I'm a fucked up individual and I'm not looking for someone to tell me I'm sick. I haven't done anything, and thoughts never killed anyone. Just was wondering if anyone had these problems too, or knew what I could do or what's wrong with me. I haven't actually harmed anyone but when I think about it I don't feel like I would feel much guilt, but more pleasure. I don't want to think this way anymore, I don't want to go to jail.


You posted this here, so I hope that means you're open to some level of (civil) criticism. Without knowing you outside of this post, or in a real-life context, I cannot tell for truth the real consequences/causes of these desires. However, the statements you made possess a complete lack of empathy that goes beyond personality type and into fundamental health. I don't think a fascination with the human body is upsetting; but wanting, not only to murder, but to watch as the life fades out of an organism in grotesque detail is not healthy.


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