Originally Posted by higs
I have to say it is odd to me when you say you are "instinctively in line with the feminine", I'm not saying it's not true or whatever, just that I don't understand what it is and you are identifying something I don't see, because I'm not trans and perfectly fine with my body but I've never felt at all comfortable with many of the typical female things like dolls or certain attitudes or whatever, and this is ever since I was a child...I distinctly remember not wanting to look like a boy (short hair, trousers) one time but that's about it. Oh and I remember my mum asking me if I wanted to be a boy and me saying no
:...See I feel like I am how I am because of the body I'm in, but maybe that's because I correspond to my sex so I don't notice any dissonance. I wonder what this "feminine" that you are referring to is that isn't that culturally assigned role...it's weird it seems almost to be just some kind of instinct.
"Traits traditionally cited as feminine include gentleness, empathy, and sensitivity."
My dad would sometimes take me fishing. The first time we did it, I felt awful seeing the fish get hooked and bleed and they would squirm. Then you have to hold them and pull the hook out, while they freak out because you're hurting them. Sometimes the hook got lost in the fishes mouth or it was too far in to get out or it would go through the eye. I just didn't fucking like it, we didn't even eat the fish, just tortured it for fun (not fun for me, I was happy when we were done). But I'd try and do it because I thought that's what I was supposed to like because other people liked it or something. Or maybe I was just a kid and thought parents knew best like most kids do.
I used to hug girls because I wanted the affection in like, I don't know, 1st or 2nd or 3rd grade. i just did it because it felt right. But I got sent to the principals office couple times for it. I used to have girls as friends too. It was nice. I feel like puberty and thinking about sex and hormones amplifying your gender fucks all that up. I never related with the guy's around me. Come to think of it, the three guy friends I had back then were weird in certain ways, like me. One of them had parents that were illegals and he was a little crazy, the other one was really introverted (but women usually thought he was hot, which is kind of funny), and the other might actually be a little autistic. Other than the autistic guy being a straight-up oblivious or too direct-and-honest asshole sometimes, I feel like we got along because we accepted or appreciated how different we were. I still remember the one time I was distraught (don't remember why) and I just wanted to be around the introverted one. I spent the night sleeping in his room and he didn't seem to mind. It was just nice to be around someone I liked (not romantically of course). I think that's why I like cats because they are so sweet, they just seem to appreciate the closeness and affection.
But I remember watching "Oh my Goddess!" and feeling relieved. I'd watch the female characters and sort of live through them I guess. Used to do the same with cheesy romance movies. Never Been Kissed comes to mind (as cheesy as that sounds). Even when my life got really bad, I saw myself reflected through women in fiction - Lisbeth Salander and Alma Wade come to mind most. The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo actually gave me a lot of anxiety because I felt like I was seeing my own dark emotions/feelings on a screen. I had a strange trance with the original fear game; I'm not really an obsessive person, but I had a period of time where I just absorbed it, like seeing Alma throughout the game as a reflection of my soul's pain. Honestly, I'm surprised I never did kill myself. Oh yeah, I did try once. I tried not drinking water and took a lot of sleeping pills, but I got found and just slept for like 48 hours straight or something. Almost forgot about that; it was a long time ago I guess. Mental hospitals fucking suck; they take emotionally damaged people, imprison them, and ignore how they feel in favor of a "prescribed" recourse. It's like taking a crazy person, making them crazy, and not letting them do anything about it.
anyway, I don't think I'm going to talk about this here any more. I don't really feel like I have to justify it to anyone and that isn't why I even responded to you to begin with. Most people don't understand and think it doesn't really exist or think I'm crazy or both. So be it then.
Originally Posted by redbaron
I'd say that generally speaking women have preferences in terms of sexuality/expression that align with other women and vice-versa for men.
If your preferences don't align with majority of the others of your sex, so for example if a girl wants to dress in trousers, have short hair etc. Or a man wants to wear dresses then there'll be conflict. Higs you seem to want to be feminine, just not in the extreme. So your level of conflict is relatively low.
Further than physical representation, maybe someone innately desires sex in a way that falls outside the norm e.g. a guy wants to be the one being fucked, on top of dressing girly or w/e. I actually think these things are not necessarily 'trans'. I think Reluctantly said they're attracted to women still though, so I dunno, maybe he just needs to find more women who have a more 'male' personality and then he'd be more at ease in intimate relations.
I had a relationship with a tomboy, if that's the same thing. Didn't work out; she used to tell me I had emotions like a girl. And I don't think she minded that, but once I was open about all the stuff that was weird - how I wanted to look sexy in her clothes and stuff or when I was "penetrating" her, I'd have to imagine I was being penetrated to get off, she got really bothered by it. I really believe that's what fucked it all up and I think you guys just try to make it seem like everything about gender is subjective, like there's nothing deeper about it. If your a feminine guy, just find a masculine girl. Yeah okay, but a feminine guy still has a level of masculinity that he just has and is probably instinctively desired by most straight women.