Hi, ranting, and a video

[inFlux]

Wow, so this is where you've all been hiding.

I'm still a little new to the "MBTI light," but my personal growth has accelerated so dramatically since discovering it. I honestly can't believe I'm posting an intro message on a forum, but I guess realizing I'm not insane, plus finding a bunch of people with similar brain software brings a little extrovert out in me. (If you can call sitting at your computer in your crappy apartment being extroverted).

Warning: The following is long and it will not offend me in the slightest if you just want to skip to the bottom and watch a cool video featuring Fiona Apple and Quentin Tarantino talking about her songwriting process.

* * *

Anyway, I'm a musician, actually. I say "actually" because I find this somewhat of a rarity, although not unheard of among INTPs. I actually think that playing music for most of my life has helped my Feeling developed. But I might actually be being too generous with that statement because in some ways, I think I was sort of lying to myself, convinced that I felt emotions because I was a musician. In the back of my mind, though, I knew something was "off." I was always the best musician I knew in middle school and high school. When I got to college, I was first chair trumpet in the jazz orchestra. I was 18; the other guys were juniors and seniors. I'm not saying this to brag, of course, because here comes the big "but": Why didn't I listen to music like everyone else? Why didn't I sit around listening to records and then talk with my friends about how *awesome* that album was because of how it made me feel? Well, first of all I had very few friends, but that's another story.

The real answer was that I didn't feel music the way they did. I loved music for *how it worked* and fuck, trumpet and piano were the only things that even made me any degree of cool. I picked up guitar at 15, too. I didn't have a teacher so I accidentally learned lefty on a righty guitar, but I'm pretty good at it. lol..fuckin...anyway, I guess I'm just kind of bummed a little bit now. To be honest, though, this discovery is actually making me reevaluate my approach to music overall. See, I always tried writing from my feelings. Of course my thoughts would contribute a ton, but for the past couple years I was often consciously shutting out my thoughts in a vain attempt to achieve a better composition. I haven't written a song in about 15 months (although I've composed other stuff) and that one isn't even fully done yet (about 90%, just need to finally decide on an arrangement). All because I was training myself to work against my strengths.

Anyway, I don't know why I started talking about all that, to be honest. Gonna scroll up and see where the fuck I was...

Oh yeah, I was just trying to tell you guys a little bit about myself. Saying "I'm a musician" wasn't sufficient, I guess.

So, other than that, I'm 32, I graduated college last year (after a few years off...another long story), I moved to the other side of the f-ing country where I hate it, I'm broke, have no friends, and have about $100k in student loans that my parents stupidly co-signed (although I completely appreciate their support). But my personal growth is great! Being lonely was kinda of interesting for a while. So was extended depression. Eventually those got boring and I've been down many paths since then, retaining some new knowledge and beliefs (though I'm not a fan of that word), and leaving some of it out, but always ready to jump back in if new evidence supports it.

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Anyway, sorry for the long read. If you skipped all that crap (wouldn't blame you), here's the Fiona video. I love how she describes her songwriting; it reminds me of how my truly inspired moments (there have been a few!) usually come.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-DbWyLAQ2w&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-DbWyLAQ2w&feature=related

[inFlux]

Why is it that now, an hour and a half later, I feel like that post makes me appear self-absorbed and/or idiotic?

[MissQuote]

But my personal growth is great! Being lonely was kinda of interesting for a while. So was extended depression. Eventually those got boring and I've been down many paths since then, retaining some new knowledge and beliefs (though I'm not a fan of that word), and leaving some of it out, but always ready to jump back in if new evidence supports it.

Hi there.

I smiled at this part. This is how I view the little nervous breakdown I must have decided it would be an interesting experiment to have a few years back. I mostly stopped having the breakdown because it got boring after a while!

Really, I swear there was a point where I said to myself "Well. This has been interesting for a while. I think I'm done now though, I seem competent enough in this subject at this point and all those other subjects look like more fun now"

My sense of humor keeps it as a cynical back up plan tucked neatly away in residual land of my mind just in case things get too stifling in life again, if the evidence supports that another beak down is necessary I can go at it with even better knowledge of how it is done this time around!

[DetachedRetina]

Originally Posted by inFlux

Why is it that now, an hour and a half later, I feel like that post makes me appear self-absorbed and/or idiotic?

Ha, I feel that way all the time around here. It didn't seem self absorbed and idiotic.

I guess in general I feel that way a lot.

[inFlux]

Originally Posted by DetachedRetina

Ha, I feel that way all the time around here. It didn't seem self absorbed and idiotic.

I guess in general I feel that way a lot.

Thanks for that reply. I think it's because I'm so used to being misunderstood that I automatically assume I'm going to be accused (directly or not) of being any number of things that I'm not. And then when I say I'm not, they say I just don't realize it and that I should watch the way I say things. But then those people also tell me to be myself.
Whatever. I haven't fully explained my thoughts but I gotta get back to work.

[DetachedRetina]

Haha yeah it's idiotic and contradictory the advise we get from folks. I think there's nothing wrong with writing music from your brain and not your heart. Good luck with it, you should post some of your music on here eventually.

[Lfnunley]

Hi, I'm a musician too. I've been playing piano for almost a decade (I'm 15). It doesn't seem strange at all for INTP's to play instruments, as it provides an excellent solitary activity for reflection. I can improvise on the same theme for hours and not get bored, because my mind is in a different place. I can't compose an original theme though, and that might be a thing INTP's as a rule can't do.

[Da Blob]

Actually, I think there are a lot of INTPian musicians, some more talented than others.

The fact that you are 30ish and still exploring the world and your self is a Good thing.
Cognitive Development can be a lifelong process if not cut short in know-it-all adolescence lasting until the 20's...

BTW -Welcome!