Social Quandry

[Radioactive_Springtime]

Lately I've been abandoning my older social habits for a more mainstreamish approach. I very much enjoy my older social habits, however they seem to breed depression and loneliness.

So I find myself at a crossroads: betray my old ways or live in depression and loneliness.

It's taken me a couple weeks to ponder whether or not I should post such a problem on this forum. I pushed everyone I used to talk to about this kind of emotional feeling stuff away, one way or the other.

Don't want to risk being an emo, or keeping it on the inside

[Dissident]

It all depends on you, if it makes you feel depressed and lonely then probably you need a new aproach. You can atleast try it for some time and see how it turns out. I wouldnt worry about "betraying" anything, life is change.
Maybe if you comment a little more on what do you mean by mainstream and old aproach we could be of more help.

[Radioactive_Springtime]

yes i realized i may have needed to rephrase the question. Lets say my old approach was very anti social and from an outsider's viewpoint. Mainstream would be more in tune to the social rituals of my peers.

[Ermine]

I know what you mean. I'm moving in a few weeks, and I will be able to have a fresh start socially. It's hard to decide whether I should just continue to be me, or pretend to be social until it becomes second nature. And I can identify with the "betrayal". Whenever I act like something I'm not, I feel self violated since I am very self aware.

[Dissident]

If the way you live makes you depressed then maybe thats not who you are, if it was your nature then it shouldnt bother you.

[EditorOne]

Also try pushing some carbs. Maybe you've just got low blood sugar.

(Joke, sort of, but a grain of plausibility in there.)

Want to hear some arguments in favor of a change?

You can do it in small increments and see how it feels. (Or see what you think about it, rather.)

If it doesn't work out for you, you can stop doing it. It's not like you decided to relocate your swimming pool or anything, it's all capable of going back to the original plan without anyone even knowing you were trying a change.

You can quite literally think through changes in a series of steps, and do them one at a time, so you can focus on each small part of what might become a larger change.

It costs you nothing except a little anxiety. That initial investment of anxiety could lead to a big payout of comfort-zone discovery in the future.

You'd be testing a great theory: Can I become something other than what I think I am simply by doing things if I were really like the way I'd want to become? Jeez, don't parse that sentence, you'll get lost, but I think you know what I mean. You'll be satisfying your curiosity about something interesting.

You're not doing anything else important for a few days, so this won't stop you from other things that might be important.

How's that?

[Sleep]

I did this exact thing about a year ago. It was fun and I learned a lot about myself and others.

It really gave me a whole new perspective on life, though I've currently gone back to somewhat how I used to be -- comfortably introverted most of the time but still able to hold my own in social situations (I used to be completely incapable of small talk). I was really self conscious before, but after living another life for awhile I realized just how unique an individual I really am. I'm more happy with myself now than I've ever been before.


So yeah, I definitely recommend stepping way outside of your comfort zone every now and then. Its impossible to truly know who you are if you don't know who you aren't. You can't seriously appreciate cake unless you've had turnips.
(and who knows, maybe you'll find that you really like being "normal.")

[Radioactive_Springtime]

It's worth a try. I'm getting my hair cut (right now it's more than halfway down my back), and a new set of clothes (of which I've needed). I don't think I was ever one way or the other entirely, I think I was just in a prolonged state of indecision (which is my curse).

and thanks for the input

[Oblivious]

Think of it as just another step in your psychological evolution to godliness.

[EditorOne]

OK, laugh if you want, but here's something that might help:

http://www.westegg.com/unmaintained/carnegie/win-friends.html


I will only say that the man has thought his way through all this and applied some insights, and that much of what you are required to do to deploy his system involves YOU getting the OTHER PERSON to do the talking. You can see how that would be attractive. :-)

It is, as an aside, somewhat based on the essential premise of most etiquette, "never make the other person feel at a disadvantage". I have a feeling some of us might have been attempting to deliberately make others feel at a disadvantage so they'd leave us alone. Here's an alternative strategy that makes the sometimes heavy lifting of being unpleasant unnecessary....

I hope some of you find it useful.

[whojgalt]

Lets say my old approach was very anti social and from an outsider's viewpoint. Mainstream would be more in tune to the social rituals of my peers.

Just do what I do. Remain anti-social and aloof, but look at every interaction as an experiment. Participate in the social rituals, not because you are really interested in participating, but to learn about how they work. Basically everybody else is a lab rat. Do different things and see how they react, maybe even jot it all down in a big notebook. Maybe even jot it down in a big notebook right in front of them, just to see how they react to that.

Then you get the best of both worlds - you can be anti-social privately, and interact with people in a variety of ways publicly, while learning how to bend them to your will should you ever need to do so.

I'll send you the number to the sociopath's hotline, I keep it in my wallet.

[Ermine]

Yeah, people watching is so much fun, just smiling and chatting while amusing myself with society's idiosyncracies.

[Radioactive_Springtime]

and somehow that made me a popular kid when I was in middle school.

[Aphasia]

OK, laugh if you want, but here's something that might help:

http://www.westegg.com/unmaintained/carnegie/win-friends.html


I will only say that the man has thought his way through all this and applied some insights, and that much of what you are required to do to deploy his system involves YOU getting the OTHER PERSON to do the talking. You can see how that would be attractive. :-)

It is, as an aside, somewhat based on the essential premise of most etiquette, "never make the other person feel at a disadvantage". I have a feeling some of us might have been attempting to deliberately make others feel at a disadvantage so they'd leave us alone. Here's an alternative strategy that makes the sometimes heavy lifting of being unpleasant unnecessary....

I hope some of you find it useful.

A part of being self-aware is being no one's fool. I'd imagine that this will work on most people, though.

[Vrecknidj]

I've found that exercising my inner extrovert (how's that for a twist?), while also necessary so that I can feed my family, is actually beneficial for me. While I'm definitely an introvert and prefer some degree of solitude, I simply must care for my children and wife, and I rather enjoy air conditioning and indoor plumbing and they tend to cost so much in the package I've happened to purchase.

So, out the door I go every morning, into a world full of Es and Ss and Fs and Js. But, I do it anyway. It's not so much that I am pretending to be something I'm not. Rather, I'm aware that I'm behaving in ways that aren't my first preferences, and that I'm doing so for reasons I'm perfectly happy with.

And, it beats being depressed.

Dave

[Radioactive_Springtime]

now for a slight turn, how does one stop loving someone and remain friends with them.

[Aphasia]

I want to know too. :(